Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're on a vacation with young kids, and, for just one night, got a babysitter and a reservation at a fancy restaurant famous for its incredible views. The prices were a LOT for us ($45 for the typical app, $60 for the typical entree, I've never ever paid that much). But we decided to splurge for one night and enjoy the views.

When we got to the restaurant, we got seated in the back row with a partial view. We asked for a nicer table, and were told that we didn't book early enough. We booked almost a month in advance, and the website said nothing about some tables not getting the full view.

I understand that shit happens, and there's nothing to be done about it, and it would be unproductive to complain to the staff. But also, I was devastated. Without the view, it was just an overpriced restaurant. Plus our service was really mediocre. I quietly sat there feeling sad, doing my best to rally myself. I would have liked my husband to be annoyed or upset alongside me, so I could feel like we're on the same team.

However, my husband felt like it wasn't that big of a deal and why not just have a great time? He got really annoyed at me for being upset, even though I wasn't rude to him or anyone else, and just quietly tried to deal with my feelings. He said that seeing me upset annoyed him. He said he's tired of me chasing amazing experiences when we could just be happy with normal ones.

I understand things go wrong in life, especially when traveling. I have two young kids, so I have gotten pretty good at rolling with the punches. But when it comes to high-stakes things, and especially when it comes to bad service and people just being mean, I don't know how to just get over it.

I don't know how to not care that the one of the top things I was most looking forward to in the entire vacation, that we only get to do once a year, had gotten messed up. Yes, I wanted it to be amazing and romantic instead of sitting in the back watching 90% of the other couples enjoying the view while our waitress gave us the cold shoulder. I want to have an epic evening once in a while. I don't think it's shallow or wrong - I'm not posting on social media or even bragging to friends, this is something I want for myself.

My husband says if I'm not ready for things to go wrong, we shouldn't book anything super-nice or expensive at all. But that doesn't seem like a great solution either, because I would like to have occasional special experiences. How do I learn to be more like my husband?

You got what you paid for. took a gamble, hoping for a first class experience on business class price.
If you expect to get lucky all the time, you'll have a lifetime of disappointment.

Hoping for a great meal and a great view is really pushing your luck. Enjoy the view before or after dinner. During dinner you can look at your food and your date.

Anonymous wrote:I would have gotten up and left restaurant before ordering and posted a negative review on Yelp, etc.
I would have let the manager know I would be doing this before I left.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not uncommon for the partner of a catastrophizer to pull in the opposite direction to seek balance.

He was trying to make the best of things. Try it sometime. All you did was guarantee it was going to be a miserable experience. Pouting is never a good look.

We don’t know the pattern here though.

If Mr Laid Back never lifts a finger to do anything or make things happen, guess who has to be more vigilant? The other partner.

If Mr Laid Back is clueless about what he’s missing out on, how would he ever get upset that he can see the beach and volcano? And instead had to look at a pillar?

He should however VALIDATE your feelings early on. Yes it sux to come all this way, plan ahead and get stuck in the corner, let’s ask again or tell them we’ll take only 1 hour at a better table or maybe the bar is a better atmosphere and view than this? Find and suggest actual SOLUTIONS. That’s helpful.

But his ignoring and not responding ESCALATES things, where Op then has to repeat herself seeking understanding or validation, several times, only to be met with the opposite: nonchalance and criticism.

If that’s your pattern Op do a few months together of couples counseling, with the goal of better communication, caring and validating if one another’s feelings.

Your feelings are valid Op. it’s ok to be pissed when you’re ripped off. He should agree, validate it, seek more solutions, the everyone moves on and makes peace with it.

The “oh well” attitude sounds like living in communism, where nothing you do matters so, Oh well.

Anonymous wrote:So not only did you get a bad table, you ruined the rest of the evening by sulking? Ugh. Team DH.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not uncommon for the partner of a catastrophizer to pull in the opposite direction to seek balance.

He was trying to make the best of things. Try it sometime. All you did was guarantee it was going to be a miserable experience. Pouting is never a good look.

We don’t know the pattern here though.

If Mr Laid Back never lifts a finger to do anything or make things happen, guess who has to be more vigilant? The other partner.

If Mr Laid Back is clueless about what he’s missing out on, how would he ever get upset that he can see the beach and volcano? And instead had to look at a pillar?

He should however VALIDATE your feelings early on. Yes it sux to come all this way, plan ahead and get stuck in the corner, let’s ask again or tell them we’ll take only 1 hour at a better table or maybe the bar is a better atmosphere and view than this? Find and suggest actual SOLUTIONS. That’s helpful.

But his ignoring and not responding ESCALATES things, where Op then has to repeat herself seeking understanding or validation, several times, only to be met with the opposite: nonchalance and criticism.

If that’s your pattern Op do a few months together of couples counseling, with the goal of better communication, caring and validating if one another’s feelings.

Your feelings are valid Op. it’s ok to be pissed when you’re ripped off. He should agree, validate it, seek more solutions, the everyone moves on and makes peace with it.

The “oh well” attitude sounds like living in communism, where nothing you do matters so, Oh well.

BTDT. People absolutely ask for different tables or negotiate or leave. Especially busy people or those in a rare dinner out or big rigamarole with travel, sitters, reservations, famous restaurant or view.
Saying you won’t take two hours for a dinner usually works.

Maybe her husband eats out a lot for work and doesn’t care about one more dinner out or the view. That doesn’t mean OP has to smile and nod at crumbs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have gotten up and left restaurant before ordering and posted a negative review on Yelp, etc.
I would have let the manager know I would be doing this before I left.

What would that review have said? That the restaurant honored your reservation, but weren't willing to accommodate your request to change tables because others had already reserved them?

OK, I guess.

Anonymous wrote:I would have gotten up and left restaurant before ordering and posted a negative review on Yelp, etc.
I would have let the manager know I would be doing this before I left.

Anonymous wrote:My mom and sister are both like OP and I'm like Ops husband. Yes, in theory its good to validate OPs annoyance but I also get why DH didnt. It's exhausting dealing with people like my mom and sister and I really resent having to validate their negativity all the time. It isn't like they put in the effort to just roll with things.

Anonymous wrote:We're on a vacation with young kids, and, for just one night, got a babysitter and a reservation at a fancy restaurant famous for its incredible views. The prices were a LOT for us ($45 for the typical app, $60 for the typical entree, I've never ever paid that much). But we decided to splurge for one night and enjoy the views.

When we got to the restaurant, we got seated in the back row with a partial view. We asked for a nicer table, and were told that we didn't book early enough. We booked almost a month in advance, and the website said nothing about some tables not getting the full view.

I understand that shit happens, and there's nothing to be done about it, and it would be unproductive to complain to the staff. But also, I was devastated. Without the view, it was just an overpriced restaurant. Plus our service was really mediocre. I quietly sat there feeling sad, doing my best to rally myself. I would have liked my husband to be annoyed or upset alongside me, so I could feel like we're on the same team.

However, my husband felt like it wasn't that big of a deal and why not just have a great time? He got really annoyed at me for being upset, even though I wasn't rude to him or anyone else, and just quietly tried to deal with my feelings. He said that seeing me upset annoyed him. He said he's tired of me chasing amazing experiences when we could just be happy with normal ones.

I understand things go wrong in life, especially when traveling. I have two young kids, so I have gotten pretty good at rolling with the punches. But when it comes to high-stakes things, and especially when it comes to bad service and people just being mean, I don't know how to just get over it.

I don't know how to not care that the one of the top things I was most looking forward to in the entire vacation, that we only get to do once a year, had gotten messed up. Yes, I wanted it to be amazing and romantic instead of sitting in the back watching 90% of the other couples enjoying the view while our waitress gave us the cold shoulder. I want to have an epic evening once in a while. I don't think it's shallow or wrong - I'm not posting on social media or even bragging to friends, this is something I want for myself.

My husband says if I'm not ready for things to go wrong, we shouldn't book anything super-nice or expensive at all. But that doesn't seem like a great solution either, because I would like to have occasional special experiences. How do I learn to be more like my husband?

Anonymous wrote:My mom and sister are both like OP and I'm like Ops husband. Yes, in theory its good to validate OPs annoyance but I also get why DH didnt. It's exhausting dealing with people like my mom and sister and I really resent having to validate their negativity all the time. It isn't like they put in the effort to just roll with things.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is not uncommon for the partner of a catastrophizer to pull in the opposite direction to seek balance.

He was trying to make the best of things. Try it sometime. All you did was guarantee it was going to be a miserable experience. Pouting is never a good look.

We don’t know the pattern here though.

If Mr Laid Back never lifts a finger to do anything or make things happen, guess who has to be more vigilant? The other partner.

If Mr Laid Back is clueless about what he’s missing out on, how would he ever get upset that he can see the beach and volcano? And instead had to look at a pillar?

He should however VALIDATE your feelings early on. Yes it sux to come all this way, plan ahead and get stuck in the corner, let’s ask again or tell them we’ll take only 1 hour at a better table or maybe the bar is a better atmosphere and view than this? Find and suggest actual SOLUTIONS. That’s helpful.

But his ignoring and not responding ESCALATES things, where Op then has to repeat herself seeking understanding or validation, several times, only to be met with the opposite: nonchalance and criticism.

If that’s your pattern Op do a few months together of couples counseling, with the goal of better communication, caring and validating if one another’s feelings.

Your feelings are valid Op. it’s ok to be pissed when you’re ripped off. He should agree, validate it, seek more solutions, the everyone moves on and makes peace with it.

The “oh well” attitude sounds like living in communism, where nothing you do matters so, Oh well.