Anonymous wrote:The one on your list I love outsourcing is school events. I go to 3-4 school events per year, the ones my student performs in after hard word. Every random event? That’s for retired grandparents and at-home parents. Truly the one time I went to a book fair it was just grandparents adorably reading and a subset of parents closely defined by attending such activities. Send the grandparents!

My kid just finished K. Throughout this past year she had 6 performances during the day (not first thing in the AM or right before dismissal, which is still middle or the day really). Add to that the Halloween parade and party, holiday party, 100 days of school party, valentines party, Mother’s Day event, field day, water play day, her birthday, “optional” sign up to come in and read to the class, and honestly probably another few random things I’m forgetting - that’s more than a dozen mid day activities that I feel guilty if I miss and my kid feels bad if I miss. It’s just untenable. I don’t go to everything because I can’t and my kid gets that, but it still sucks to have to explain that I can’t come on a random Friday at 11 am for a “unity parade” or volunteer at field day. But at her school (NW DC), most parents have flexible jobs and make it in for nearly all of these things. There’s a handful of us (healthcare workers, feds working at SCIFs, etc) who struggle.

Anonymous wrote:This is going to sound counterintuitive, like how could you possibly have time, BUT… you actually need to balance four things… being good at your job, being a good mom, being a good partner, and being good to yourself.

The key to the lock is actually kind of simple, although difficult to implement: you have to take care of your first. If you’re physically and mentally healthy, the other three things actually become easier.

For me, this means - getting enough sleep, eating regular meals, eating real nutritious food, staying hydrated, and exercising every single day. If you can do this, you will truly be amazed at how much easier it seems to manage the others because your head is clear.

This is actually true, especially sleep and exercise. And a good marriage! Time with your partner is essential! Don't just "co-parent" (I cringe at that word)

Anonymous wrote:Sorry. I’m likely not of the generation who comments here en mass (Gen X and my kids are now young adults) but I don’t think you can do both - or do anything well under the rubric you outlined. I think one parent - for a considerable amount of time - needs to be on point. Otherwise what IS the point of having kids besides ego or FOMO? Also I can recognize a kid with too much day care a mile away…so disassociated it’s not even funny.

Anonymous wrote:I realize this thread is likely going to deteriorate rapidly, im hoping to get a few examples from those living it and hoping those that answer don’t bother coming back to read what will likely spiral into “why did you even have kids” comments

My therapist observed I’ve really narrowly boxed myself into what makes a “good” parent and what makes a “good” professional life basically leaving no viable option to feel good about how I’m doing about both. Logically I agree, but I’m trying to turn that practically into ways I can loosen my rigid parenting definitely

So if you and your spouse both have fairly inflexible jobs, are you comfortable with:
- someone else (nanny / grandparent) - taking your kid to routine doctor and dental appts
- your kid not always having someone at every school performance
- you kid having someone else help them get ready for school or eat dinner with them on a routine basis (not everyday night but not like once a month either)

What are things you feel must be done by a parent (if anything in particular) versus a more flexible generally being there for them and spending enough time with them without rigid rules around what’s ok

We always do doctor's appointments ourselves, especially specialist (eye doctor in our case), but would be fine with a grandparent if we had them living nearby. Not a nanny.

Everything else I'd be fine with a nanny doing, just not every day

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is going to sound counterintuitive, like how could you possibly have time, BUT… you actually need to balance four things… being good at your job, being a good mom, being a good partner, and being good to yourself.

The key to the lock is actually kind of simple, although difficult to implement: you have to take care of your first. If you’re physically and mentally healthy, the other three things actually become easier.

For me, this means - getting enough sleep, eating regular meals, eating real nutritious food, staying hydrated, and exercising every single day. If you can do this, you will truly be amazed at how much easier it seems to manage the others because your head is clear.

You just have a freaking easy or part time job. There is so little time in the day that exercising and obsessing about hydration is not on most working parents radars.

My husband and I both work full-time mostly from home and have 3 kids. We exercise daily (usually when the kids are still asleep) and we prepare our lunches for the work week on the weekend, and also split cooking meals from scratch. Being fit and healthy is crucial for us to have the energy and mental health to deal with our kids. Every parent who I know who is often overwhelmed on a regular basis does not workout regularly.

The one on your list I love outsourcing is school events. I go to 3-4 school events per year, the ones my student performs in after hard word. Every random event? That’s for retired grandparents and at-home parents. Truly the one time I went to a book fair it was just grandparents adorably reading and a subset of parents closely defined by attending such activities. Send the grandparents!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry. I’m likely not of the generation who comments here en mass (Gen X and my kids are now young adults) but I don’t think you can do both - or do anything well under the rubric you outlined. I think one parent - for a considerable amount of time - needs to be on point. Otherwise what IS the point of having kids besides ego or FOMO? Also I can recognize a kid with too much day care a mile away…so disassociated it’s not even funny.

What does this mean? I frequently experienced disassociation as a child. My mom was a SAHM until I was in middle school and then worked part time until she retired.

It’s a lie you should ignore from someone seeking internet attention.

Anonymous wrote:Sorry. I’m likely not of the generation who comments here en mass (Gen X and my kids are now young adults) but I don’t think you can do both - or do anything well under the rubric you outlined. I think one parent - for a considerable amount of time - needs to be on point. Otherwise what IS the point of having kids besides ego or FOMO? Also I can recognize a kid with too much day care a mile away…so disassociated it’s not even funny.

What does this mean? I frequently experienced disassociation as a child. My mom was a SAHM until I was in middle school and then worked part time until she retired.

Anonymous wrote:This is going to sound counterintuitive, like how could you possibly have time, BUT… you actually need to balance four things… being good at your job, being a good mom, being a good partner, and being good to yourself.

The key to the lock is actually kind of simple, although difficult to implement: you have to take care of your first. If you’re physically and mentally healthy, the other three things actually become easier.

For me, this means - getting enough sleep, eating regular meals, eating real nutritious food, staying hydrated, and exercising every single day. If you can do this, you will truly be amazed at how much easier it seems to manage the others because your head is clear.

You just have a freaking easy or part time job. There is so little time in the day that exercising and obsessing about hydration is not on most working parents radars.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To explain a bit more - DHs job is inflexible (or at least he treats it that way and that’s not something I can change short term bc his standard is that all of this could be done by a nanny. His view is our most important thing is securing their financial future which is frustrating but he grew up in an unstable war zone where his family lost everything so there’s a lot going on there ).

So that means I need to cover all the things I put these rules on and I start doing the math and think ok at a minimum 10 doctor / dentist appts a year, and 6 school performances for my one kid in school, and being home by x time every night and never traveling so that the kids always wakes up to a parent (dh travels a lot) etc etc etc and basically box myself out of any interesting job because I’m telling myself I must do alllllll the things on the family front.

So for those that don’t feel that rigid rule, im curious what they prioritize. And for those that say all of this must be a parent, cool I’m that person currently too

How on earth do you get to 10 doctor and dentist appointments per year? Our two kids get their annual checkups at a single appointment with their flu shot. Plus two teeth cleanings, also at the same time. That's three appointments, and we try to book for 8 AM so we're at work shortly after. Our au pair will handle kid transport to and from so we can go back to work immediately. We haven't had a sick appointment in a couple of years, but that's mostly luck.

3 kids - so 6 dental appointments total (could hopefully stack them into one visit seeing all 3 later…don’t currently bc don’t want to entertain 1 and 3yo for 2 other kid appts), annual doctor visit for the older two and 2x doctor visit for the baby. Only oldest is in school and school has 6 performances a year (whyyyyy) so that number will grow. I also have IBD which is 4x doc visits a year for me and 2x dental. And all that’s assuming no one ever needs a sick visit

Your 1 and 3 yo go to the dentist for check ups twice a year? I think this is an exaggeration. For routine appointments, you should be able to schedule them early or late in the day so they don't interfere with work, or on holidays as others have suggested.

What?

Twice a year is standard.

For those ages they hardly do anything at the dentist.

Sorry. I’m likely not of the generation who comments here en mass (Gen X and my kids are now young adults) but I don’t think you can do both - or do anything well under the rubric you outlined. I think one parent - for a considerable amount of time - needs to be on point. Otherwise what IS the point of having kids besides ego or FOMO? Also I can recognize a kid with too much day care a mile away…so disassociated it’s not even funny.

This is going to sound counterintuitive, like how could you possibly have time, BUT… you actually need to balance four things… being good at your job, being a good mom, being a good partner, and being good to yourself.

The key to the lock is actually kind of simple, although difficult to implement: you have to take care of your first. If you’re physically and mentally healthy, the other three things actually become easier.

For me, this means - getting enough sleep, eating regular meals, eating real nutritious food, staying hydrated, and exercising every single day. If you can do this, you will truly be amazed at how much easier it seems to manage the others because your head is clear.

We have been totally fine with tons of childcare for our kids. We have a child with profound special needs so we have someone every weekday from 2-9, Saturday 9-9 and Sunday 12-9. We are around too a lot of this time, but this gives us flexibility to do stuff with our other child, run errands, get stuff done, etc.

We have never really eaten family meals together because our oldest has such profound needs that it just never worked out that way.

We are totally fine with routine doctor stuff being handled by a nanny including typical sick appointments. But we have regular ped,
developmental ped and neurologist for the SN kid. My hsuband attends her specialist appointments. Our other kid had brain cancer when she was little. We did the once a month all day chemo and the two week blood work when her WBC count was most likely to dip. Nanny did week 1 and week 3 bloodwork. Brain cancer treatment took 2.5 years and included two brain surgeries, a week or so in PICU with meningitis and 16 months of chemo. We split up the quarterly MRIs for several years post chemo. Now, I usually do the once a year neurooncologist. All that to say, once you have two kids with really serious medical stuff, it simply doesn’t seem to matter much about the yearly pediatrician visit or the strep throat test. The nanny can handle that nonsense. We also handle all the IEP meetings together.

We usually have one of us at the kid stuff for school. But honestly, if we have to miss it with have to miss it. We only have one kid with school stuff really since the other one has such profound needs, there is nothing like that happening for her class.

My non-SN kid still wants both of us at bedtime for about 45 minutes every night. We try to trade off so one does the full thing and the other one pops in. That is very special time for us, but I think trading off is fine.

12 school performances? 10 doctors appts? If you can’t pop out for a half day you are in the wrong job. Brain surgeon maybe. But few people are that indispensable. Especially when most jobs allow remote and flex arrangements— work early in AM or evening to make up.

As for missing dinners routinely, that’s just sad. One parent should be able to shift schedule enough to be home 6pm for f sake.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If both jobs are that inflexible, then someone needs a more flexible job. If you have the time to get to your therapy appointments, why can't you get to your kid's appointments and performances?

+100

-1000

OP, continue to take care of your health.