The nice thing about being divorced is when the kids are with their dad, they are REALLY with their dad. It's no more of this, "I spent two hours grocery shopping with DD this morning so now I get to spend all day golfing."

I dunno OP, maybe leave when he does that? For hours and hours?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So each time we bicker or fight he completely checks out. Stops all help with the kids, housework, yard work, groceries, etc. If I bring it up, he says- well, you wanted to be right so enjoy being right. You can do it all now.

Drives me insane to the point of wanting a divorce. How do I fight back against this?

This is a really cruel way to treat your partner. It's petty and retaliatory. A healthy person is helpful and kind as a matter of principle and character; it's not used as a carrot or a stick to manipulate others.

Definitely do not fight the petty with petty. That will get you nothing but covered in mud. I'd ignore his tantrums as much as possible and ask him to go to counseling. If he's unwilling, I'd think long and hard about the future of the marriage.

And try to see the big picture. He doesn't seem to have the emotional tools to deal with criticism or conflict. So he lashes out to punish you for making him feel that way. His subconscious goal is to teach you not to upset him so he doesn't have to deal with those feelings. But obviously the healthy goal should be for him to parent himself so he can react like an adult during conflict. Depending on your relationship when you're not bickering, you might be able to bring this up . . . Hey, it seems like when we fight, you withdraw and stop being part of the family. That's hurtful and feels unfair to me. I'm curious about what you're feeling that makes you react like this . . . you know I still love you even when we have a fight, right?

Of course if we're dealing with a personality disorder rather than someone who's emotionally immature then a gentle conversation probably won't help anything.

Good luck, OP.

All of this, OP. You just got your first counseling session for free right here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So each time we bicker or fight he completely checks out. Stops all help with the kids, housework, yard work, groceries, etc. If I bring it up, he says- well, you wanted to be right so enjoy being right. You can do it all now.

Drives me insane to the point of wanting a divorce. How do I fight back against this?

This is a really cruel way to treat your partner. It's petty and retaliatory. A healthy person is helpful and kind as a matter of principle and character; it's not used as a carrot or a stick to manipulate others.

Definitely do not fight the petty with petty. That will get you nothing but covered in mud. I'd ignore his tantrums as much as possible and ask him to go to counseling. If he's unwilling, I'd think long and hard about the future of the marriage.

And try to see the big picture. He doesn't seem to have the emotional tools to deal with criticism or conflict. So he lashes out to punish you for making him feel that way. His subconscious goal is to teach you not to upset him so he doesn't have to deal with those feelings. But obviously the healthy goal should be for him to parent himself so he can react like an adult during conflict. Depending on your relationship when you're not bickering, you might be able to bring this up . . . Hey, it seems like when we fight, you withdraw and stop being part of the family. That's hurtful and feels unfair to me. I'm curious about what you're feeling that makes you react like this . . . you know I still love you even when we have a fight, right?

Of course if we're dealing with a personality disorder rather than someone who's emotionally immature then a gentle conversation probably won't help anything.

Good luck, OP.

He's "lashing out"? LOL. He's just not doing chores for someone that treats him poorly.

He's not doing chores "for" her, he's a parent and he lives in a house and he eats food and wears clothes and so he has responsibilities. The "you can't make me" attitude is like having another child around to take care of.

Nope. If he doen't care about a messy house, a terrible yard or kids not doing anything other than watching TV then he is doing chores for her. Preumably she wnats the yard upkept and doesnt wnat to do all the driving to all teh sports/events. So maybe she should stop sucking unless she wnats to do it all.

And if they divorce? It will be the same. She'll do everything 50% of the time.

And the kids will hate her for causing their dad to move away.

HAHAHAHA nice try looser. So he doesn't sleep in the same sheets as her, doesn't use the same bathroom, doesn't eat out the same dishes. GTFO with that childish talk. He just wants her to keep doing it for him.

DP. My DH and I don't share a bed and neither do upwards of 20% of all couples. You sound unhinged. I bet youre divorced.

I'm unhinged because I expect a person who lived in the same house with me to equality contribute to the upkeep of the house? Mmmmkaaayyyy the 50's are calling you back.

The pendulum has swung hard the other way for the last 30 years. dear. Nowadays dads are not only still the breadwinner, but they handle at least half of the domestic chores once taken care of by women. Women's lives have gotten easier. Men's lives have gotten harder.

I'll just leave this hear for you. Happy reading. Feel free to unload the dishwasher when you're done.

https://www.npr.org/2023/04/13/1168961388/pew-earnings-gender-wage-gap-housework-chores-child-care

I always think the numbers on these studies seem so odd. First of all, there are like 90 hours a week missing. Maybe 50-60 of those are sleeping. But what about the other 30-40 hours a week?
Secondly, the hours spent on housework and childcare seem like what my parents, who are empty nesters, spend on housework and childcare. My mom spends about a half hour a day tidying up, and they do a little more cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping on the weekend. They have my niece over one night a week while my brother and his wife go out.

This isn’t indicative of the hours I spend on childcare and housework at all.

It's garbage. It's from NPR. You ever put it on the radio? It's:

"black, black, black, black, black, gay, gay, gay, trans, asian, trans, asian, trans, black, black, black, lesbian, lesbian, dog, dog, dog, Nazi, Nazi, Nazi, black, black, black...."

Okay. That still doesn’t explain the numbers. Whichever gender is doing it, how is a couple with kids only spending a total of 6 hours a week on housework and 12 hours on childcare?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe stop acting like a beyotch?

Hello, dude. Maybe stop telling women how to act for you.

Wut?

It's pretty simple. If you want me to assist, don't act like an a@@. Let's see how long it takes for you to tire of carrying everything.

Stop making men sound like whiny, lazy little babies. They’re not all like that. Although OP’s husband has been seems to be.

OP, if he’s going to be deadweight, you might as well cut him loose. I imagine you did not sign on to be his mommy and to keep his life running while he sits on his ass.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So each time we bicker or fight he completely checks out. Stops all help with the kids, housework, yard work, groceries, etc. If I bring it up, he says- well, you wanted to be right so enjoy being right. You can do it all now.

Drives me insane to the point of wanting a divorce. How do I fight back against this?

This is a really cruel way to treat your partner. It's petty and retaliatory. A healthy person is helpful and kind as a matter of principle and character; it's not used as a carrot or a stick to manipulate others.

Definitely do not fight the petty with petty. That will get you nothing but covered in mud. I'd ignore his tantrums as much as possible and ask him to go to counseling. If he's unwilling, I'd think long and hard about the future of the marriage.

And try to see the big picture. He doesn't seem to have the emotional tools to deal with criticism or conflict. So he lashes out to punish you for making him feel that way. His subconscious goal is to teach you not to upset him so he doesn't have to deal with those feelings. But obviously the healthy goal should be for him to parent himself so he can react like an adult during conflict. Depending on your relationship when you're not bickering, you might be able to bring this up . . . Hey, it seems like when we fight, you withdraw and stop being part of the family. That's hurtful and feels unfair to me. I'm curious about what you're feeling that makes you react like this . . . you know I still love you even when we have a fight, right?

Of course if we're dealing with a personality disorder rather than someone who's emotionally immature then a gentle conversation probably won't help anything.

Good luck, OP.

He's "lashing out"? LOL. He's just not doing chores for someone that treats him poorly.

He’s not doing the chores “for her.” He needs to do them because he’s a grown man with responsibilities and children. PP you need to go back to whatever 4chan sludge from which you crawled out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So each time we bicker or fight he completely checks out. Stops all help with the kids, housework, yard work, groceries, etc. If I bring it up, he says- well, you wanted to be right so enjoy being right. You can do it all now.

Drives me insane to the point of wanting a divorce. How do I fight back against this?

This is a really cruel way to treat your partner. It's petty and retaliatory. A healthy person is helpful and kind as a matter of principle and character; it's not used as a carrot or a stick to manipulate others.

Definitely do not fight the petty with petty. That will get you nothing but covered in mud. I'd ignore his tantrums as much as possible and ask him to go to counseling. If he's unwilling, I'd think long and hard about the future of the marriage.

And try to see the big picture. He doesn't seem to have the emotional tools to deal with criticism or conflict. So he lashes out to punish you for making him feel that way. His subconscious goal is to teach you not to upset him so he doesn't have to deal with those feelings. But obviously the healthy goal should be for him to parent himself so he can react like an adult during conflict. Depending on your relationship when you're not bickering, you might be able to bring this up . . . Hey, it seems like when we fight, you withdraw and stop being part of the family. That's hurtful and feels unfair to me. I'm curious about what you're feeling that makes you react like this . . . you know I still love you even when we have a fight, right?

Of course if we're dealing with a personality disorder rather than someone who's emotionally immature then a gentle conversation probably won't help anything.

Good luck, OP.

He's "lashing out"? LOL. He's just not doing chores for someone that treats him poorly.

He's not doing chores "for" her, he's a parent and he lives in a house and he eats food and wears clothes and so he has responsibilities. The "you can't make me" attitude is like having another child around to take care of.

Nope. If he doen't care about a messy house, a terrible yard or kids not doing anything other than watching TV then he is doing chores for her. Preumably she wnats the yard upkept and doesnt wnat to do all the driving to all teh sports/events. So maybe she should stop sucking unless she wnats to do it all.

And if they divorce? It will be the same. She'll do everything 50% of the time.

And the kids will hate her for causing their dad to move away.

HAHAHAHA nice try looser. So he doesn't sleep in the same sheets as her, doesn't use the same bathroom, doesn't eat out the same dishes. GTFO with that childish talk. He just wants her to keep doing it for him.

DP. My DH and I don't share a bed and neither do upwards of 20% of all couples. You sound unhinged. I bet youre divorced.

I'm unhinged because I expect a person who lived in the same house with me to equality contribute to the upkeep of the house? Mmmmkaaayyyy the 50's are calling you back.

The pendulum has swung hard the other way for the last 30 years. dear. Nowadays dads are not only still the breadwinner, but they handle at least half of the domestic chores once taken care of by women. Women's lives have gotten easier. Men's lives have gotten harder.

I'll just leave this hear for you. Happy reading. Feel free to unload the dishwasher when you're done.

https://www.npr.org/2023/04/13/1168961388/pew-earnings-gender-wage-gap-housework-chores-child-care

I always think the numbers on these studies seem so odd. First of all, there are like 90 hours a week missing. Maybe 50-60 of those are sleeping. But what about the other 30-40 hours a week?
Secondly, the hours spent on housework and childcare seem like what my parents, who are empty nesters, spend on housework and childcare. My mom spends about a half hour a day tidying up, and they do a little more cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping on the weekend. They have my niece over one night a week while my brother and his wife go out.

This isn’t indicative of the hours I spend on childcare and housework at all.

It's garbage. It's from NPR. You ever put it on the radio? It's:

"black, black, black, black, black, gay, gay, gay, trans, asian, trans, asian, trans, black, black, black, lesbian, lesbian, dog, dog, dog, Nazi, Nazi, Nazi, black, black, black...."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The day I quit arguing with my husband was the day serenity and togetherness made our marriage stronger.

So when he's wrong or pisses you off you just sit there?

I try to interpret it in a different way. For example, he gets angry when he gets home from work and the house is messy or dinner isn’t made (I work overnights, so I’m home during the day). He doesn’t yell, but I can tell that he’s pissed.
Instead of saying something about how he shouldn’t be angry with me, that I work too, I just focus on the fact that he KNOWS that he shouldn’t be mad. He is trying to hide it and let it go.

So, I appreciate his effort. He gets some time to get over it. I don’t have to be an anxious people pleaser. He doesn’t have to be an angry jerk. And instead of spending the evening arguing about whether HE started the fight by acting annoyed or I started the fight by saying something about it, we just order dinner,drink some iced tea, and do the crossword on the porch.

Whatever you think about this, I can tell you which one is more pleasant for the kids.

Please wake up and realize: He seems to think you do not need to sleep at all. You work overnights but are supposed to spend days cleaning the house and having dinner on the table for him when HE gets home? When are you supposed to sleep, PP?

You are wonderfully mellow and forgiving but honestly, you and your DH need to sit down on a weekend (please...tell me you don't work weekends too?) and come up with a plan where meals are cooked on weekends in advance and used through the week, plan in some takeout nights, and both of you do a weekend pickup around the house. No spouse should be coming home from day job and feeling pi$$3d --even if they're hiding it -- at the thought that that the other spouse with a night job didn't have hot dinner ready and hadn't picked up the house.

If you know he's peeved, why dont' you ever say: "If this gets on your nerves, thank you for not commenting on it or criticizing. I don't love it either but I do have to work nights. Let's sit down this weekend, make a plan for the coming week's dinners and a cleanup routine, and make it happen as a team, so you don't have to feel silently peeved and I don't have to feel I'm not doing enough (when I already work nights)."

Be careful. He might be holding back because he's stewing and steaming in silence and is going to let it all out one day, which will be ugly. That's why, if you know he's silently pi$$ed at you, I'd bring it out in the open and say, we're going to make a team plan. That does not mean YOU do all the dinners and cleaning. It means you both do the work in advance so weekdays are easier.

Again..when are you supposed to sleep, have down time to yourself, do anything other than logistics with your kids if you have any?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So each time we bicker or fight he completely checks out. Stops all help with the kids, housework, yard work, groceries, etc. If I bring it up, he says- well, you wanted to be right so enjoy being right. You can do it all now.

Drives me insane to the point of wanting a divorce. How do I fight back against this?

This is a really cruel way to treat your partner. It's petty and retaliatory. A healthy person is helpful and kind as a matter of principle and character; it's not used as a carrot or a stick to manipulate others.

Definitely do not fight the petty with petty. That will get you nothing but covered in mud. I'd ignore his tantrums as much as possible and ask him to go to counseling. If he's unwilling, I'd think long and hard about the future of the marriage.

And try to see the big picture. He doesn't seem to have the emotional tools to deal with criticism or conflict. So he lashes out to punish you for making him feel that way. His subconscious goal is to teach you not to upset him so he doesn't have to deal with those feelings. But obviously the healthy goal should be for him to parent himself so he can react like an adult during conflict. Depending on your relationship when you're not bickering, you might be able to bring this up . . . Hey, it seems like when we fight, you withdraw and stop being part of the family. That's hurtful and feels unfair to me. I'm curious about what you're feeling that makes you react like this . . . you know I still love you even when we have a fight, right?

Of course if we're dealing with a personality disorder rather than someone who's emotionally immature then a gentle conversation probably won't help anything.

Good luck, OP.

He's "lashing out"? LOL. He's just not doing chores for someone that treats him poorly.

He's not doing chores "for" her, he's a parent and he lives in a house and he eats food and wears clothes and so he has responsibilities. The "you can't make me" attitude is like having another child around to take care of.

Nope. If he doen't care about a messy house, a terrible yard or kids not doing anything other than watching TV then he is doing chores for her. Preumably she wnats the yard upkept and doesnt wnat to do all the driving to all teh sports/events. So maybe she should stop sucking unless she wnats to do it all.

And if they divorce? It will be the same. She'll do everything 50% of the time.

And the kids will hate her for causing their dad to move away.

HAHAHAHA nice try looser. So he doesn't sleep in the same sheets as her, doesn't use the same bathroom, doesn't eat out the same dishes. GTFO with that childish talk. He just wants her to keep doing it for him.

DP. My DH and I don't share a bed and neither do upwards of 20% of all couples. You sound unhinged. I bet youre divorced.

I'm unhinged because I expect a person who lived in the same house with me to equality contribute to the upkeep of the house? Mmmmkaaayyyy the 50's are calling you back.

The pendulum has swung hard the other way for the last 30 years. dear. Nowadays dads are not only still the breadwinner, but they handle at least half of the domestic chores once taken care of by women. Women's lives have gotten easier. Men's lives have gotten harder.

I'll just leave this hear for you. Happy reading. Feel free to unload the dishwasher when you're done.

https://www.npr.org/2023/04/13/1168961388/pew-earnings-gender-wage-gap-housework-chores-child-care

I always think the numbers on these studies seem so odd. First of all, there are like 90 hours a week missing. Maybe 50-60 of those are sleeping. But what about the other 30-40 hours a week?
Secondly, the hours spent on housework and childcare seem like what my parents, who are empty nesters, spend on housework and childcare. My mom spends about a half hour a day tidying up, and they do a little more cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping on the weekend. They have my niece over one night a week while my brother and his wife go out.

This isn’t indicative of the hours I spend on childcare and housework at all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So each time we bicker or fight he completely checks out. Stops all help with the kids, housework, yard work, groceries, etc. If I bring it up, he says- well, you wanted to be right so enjoy being right. You can do it all now.

Drives me insane to the point of wanting a divorce. How do I fight back against this?

This is a really cruel way to treat your partner. It's petty and retaliatory. A healthy person is helpful and kind as a matter of principle and character; it's not used as a carrot or a stick to manipulate others.

Definitely do not fight the petty with petty. That will get you nothing but covered in mud. I'd ignore his tantrums as much as possible and ask him to go to counseling. If he's unwilling, I'd think long and hard about the future of the marriage.

And try to see the big picture. He doesn't seem to have the emotional tools to deal with criticism or conflict. So he lashes out to punish you for making him feel that way. His subconscious goal is to teach you not to upset him so he doesn't have to deal with those feelings. But obviously the healthy goal should be for him to parent himself so he can react like an adult during conflict. Depending on your relationship when you're not bickering, you might be able to bring this up . . . Hey, it seems like when we fight, you withdraw and stop being part of the family. That's hurtful and feels unfair to me. I'm curious about what you're feeling that makes you react like this . . . you know I still love you even when we have a fight, right?

Of course if we're dealing with a personality disorder rather than someone who's emotionally immature then a gentle conversation probably won't help anything.

Good luck, OP.

He's "lashing out"? LOL. He's just not doing chores for someone that treats him poorly.

He's not doing chores "for" her, he's a parent and he lives in a house and he eats food and wears clothes and so he has responsibilities. The "you can't make me" attitude is like having another child around to take care of.

Nope. If he doen't care about a messy house, a terrible yard or kids not doing anything other than watching TV then he is doing chores for her. Preumably she wnats the yard upkept and doesnt wnat to do all the driving to all teh sports/events. So maybe she should stop sucking unless she wnats to do it all.

And if they divorce? It will be the same. She'll do everything 50% of the time.

And the kids will hate her for causing their dad to move away.

That’s not really true. They will hate her because half of the time they have to live with a guy who has such an unkempt house that they can’t have friends over and who doesn’t take them to sports/birthday parties/events.

They should be angry at him, but they never are (at least not not until they grow up). It’s deeply unfair.

And if he truly doesn't do any of the things that "she is making him do now" she would have a really great case against him with CPS. You can't just have kids live in filth.

It really isn’t.
My kids have friends in this situation. There is a big gap between a house dirty enough that you are embarrassed to bring your friends to visit and a house filthy enough that a child will be removed.
And no one is going to force you to take your kids to a birthday party or their baseball game.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So each time we bicker or fight he completely checks out. Stops all help with the kids, housework, yard work, groceries, etc. If I bring it up, he says- well, you wanted to be right so enjoy being right. You can do it all now.

Drives me insane to the point of wanting a divorce. How do I fight back against this?

This is a really cruel way to treat your partner. It's petty and retaliatory. A healthy person is helpful and kind as a matter of principle and character; it's not used as a carrot or a stick to manipulate others.

Definitely do not fight the petty with petty. That will get you nothing but covered in mud. I'd ignore his tantrums as much as possible and ask him to go to counseling. If he's unwilling, I'd think long and hard about the future of the marriage.

And try to see the big picture. He doesn't seem to have the emotional tools to deal with criticism or conflict. So he lashes out to punish you for making him feel that way. His subconscious goal is to teach you not to upset him so he doesn't have to deal with those feelings. But obviously the healthy goal should be for him to parent himself so he can react like an adult during conflict. Depending on your relationship when you're not bickering, you might be able to bring this up . . . Hey, it seems like when we fight, you withdraw and stop being part of the family. That's hurtful and feels unfair to me. I'm curious about what you're feeling that makes you react like this . . . you know I still love you even when we have a fight, right?

Of course if we're dealing with a personality disorder rather than someone who's emotionally immature then a gentle conversation probably won't help anything.

Good luck, OP.

He's "lashing out"? LOL. He's just not doing chores for someone that treats him poorly.

He's not doing chores "for" her, he's a parent and he lives in a house and he eats food and wears clothes and so he has responsibilities. The "you can't make me" attitude is like having another child around to take care of.

Nope. If he doen't care about a messy house, a terrible yard or kids not doing anything other than watching TV then he is doing chores for her. Preumably she wnats the yard upkept and doesnt wnat to do all the driving to all teh sports/events. So maybe she should stop sucking unless she wnats to do it all.

And if they divorce? It will be the same. She'll do everything 50% of the time.

And the kids will hate her for causing their dad to move away.

HAHAHAHA nice try looser. So he doesn't sleep in the same sheets as her, doesn't use the same bathroom, doesn't eat out the same dishes. GTFO with that childish talk. He just wants her to keep doing it for him.

DP. My DH and I don't share a bed and neither do upwards of 20% of all couples. You sound unhinged. I bet youre divorced.

I'm unhinged because I expect a person who lived in the same house with me to equality contribute to the upkeep of the house? Mmmmkaaayyyy the 50's are calling you back.

The pendulum has swung hard the other way for the last 30 years. dear. Nowadays dads are not only still the breadwinner, but they handle at least half of the domestic chores once taken care of by women. Women's lives have gotten easier. Men's lives have gotten harder.

I'll just leave this hear for you. Happy reading. Feel free to unload the dishwasher when you're done.

https://www.npr.org/2023/04/13/1168961388/pew-earnings-gender-wage-gap-housework-chores-child-care

Anonymous wrote:So each time we bicker or fight he completely checks out. Stops all help with the kids, housework, yard work, groceries, etc. If I bring it up, he says- well, you wanted to be right so enjoy being right. You can do it all now.

Drives me insane to the point of wanting a divorce. How do I fight back against this?

Does your bickering involve you minimizing his contributions to the house chores? Maybe he goes "on strike" because he thinks you are undervaluing his contributions. So, is it possible you are taking him for granted?

Everyone can use a reminder once in a while of all the invisible chores other family members do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So each time we bicker or fight he completely checks out. Stops all help with the kids, housework, yard work, groceries, etc. If I bring it up, he says- well, you wanted to be right so enjoy being right. You can do it all now.

Drives me insane to the point of wanting a divorce. How do I fight back against this?

This is a really cruel way to treat your partner. It's petty and retaliatory. A healthy person is helpful and kind as a matter of principle and character; it's not used as a carrot or a stick to manipulate others.

Definitely do not fight the petty with petty. That will get you nothing but covered in mud. I'd ignore his tantrums as much as possible and ask him to go to counseling. If he's unwilling, I'd think long and hard about the future of the marriage.

And try to see the big picture. He doesn't seem to have the emotional tools to deal with criticism or conflict. So he lashes out to punish you for making him feel that way. His subconscious goal is to teach you not to upset him so he doesn't have to deal with those feelings. But obviously the healthy goal should be for him to parent himself so he can react like an adult during conflict. Depending on your relationship when you're not bickering, you might be able to bring this up . . . Hey, it seems like when we fight, you withdraw and stop being part of the family. That's hurtful and feels unfair to me. I'm curious about what you're feeling that makes you react like this . . . you know I still love you even when we have a fight, right?

Of course if we're dealing with a personality disorder rather than someone who's emotionally immature then a gentle conversation probably won't help anything.

Good luck, OP.

He's "lashing out"? LOL. He's just not doing chores for someone that treats him poorly.

He's not doing chores "for" her, he's a parent and he lives in a house and he eats food and wears clothes and so he has responsibilities. The "you can't make me" attitude is like having another child around to take care of.

Nope. If he doen't care about a messy house, a terrible yard or kids not doing anything other than watching TV then he is doing chores for her. Preumably she wnats the yard upkept and doesnt wnat to do all the driving to all teh sports/events. So maybe she should stop sucking unless she wnats to do it all.

And if they divorce? It will be the same. She'll do everything 50% of the time.

And the kids will hate her for causing their dad to move away.

HAHAHAHA nice try looser. So he doesn't sleep in the same sheets as her, doesn't use the same bathroom, doesn't eat out the same dishes. GTFO with that childish talk. He just wants her to keep doing it for him.

DP. My DH and I don't share a bed and neither do upwards of 20% of all couples. You sound unhinged. I bet youre divorced.

I'm unhinged because I expect a person who lived in the same house with me to equality contribute to the upkeep of the house? Mmmmkaaayyyy the 50's are calling you back.

The pendulum has swung hard the other way for the last 30 years. dear. Nowadays dads are not only still the breadwinner, but they handle at least half of the domestic chores once taken care of by women. Women's lives have gotten easier. Men's lives have gotten harder.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So each time we bicker or fight he completely checks out. Stops all help with the kids, housework, yard work, groceries, etc. If I bring it up, he says- well, you wanted to be right so enjoy being right. You can do it all now.

Drives me insane to the point of wanting a divorce. How do I fight back against this?

This is a really cruel way to treat your partner. It's petty and retaliatory. A healthy person is helpful and kind as a matter of principle and character; it's not used as a carrot or a stick to manipulate others.

Definitely do not fight the petty with petty. That will get you nothing but covered in mud. I'd ignore his tantrums as much as possible and ask him to go to counseling. If he's unwilling, I'd think long and hard about the future of the marriage.

And try to see the big picture. He doesn't seem to have the emotional tools to deal with criticism or conflict. So he lashes out to punish you for making him feel that way. His subconscious goal is to teach you not to upset him so he doesn't have to deal with those feelings. But obviously the healthy goal should be for him to parent himself so he can react like an adult during conflict. Depending on your relationship when you're not bickering, you might be able to bring this up . . . Hey, it seems like when we fight, you withdraw and stop being part of the family. That's hurtful and feels unfair to me. I'm curious about what you're feeling that makes you react like this . . . you know I still love you even when we have a fight, right?

Of course if we're dealing with a personality disorder rather than someone who's emotionally immature then a gentle conversation probably won't help anything.

Good luck, OP.

He's "lashing out"? LOL. He's just not doing chores for someone that treats him poorly.

He's not doing chores "for" her, he's a parent and he lives in a house and he eats food and wears clothes and so he has responsibilities. The "you can't make me" attitude is like having another child around to take care of.

Nope. If he doen't care about a messy house, a terrible yard or kids not doing anything other than watching TV then he is doing chores for her. Preumably she wnats the yard upkept and doesnt wnat to do all the driving to all teh sports/events. So maybe she should stop sucking unless she wnats to do it all.

And if they divorce? It will be the same. She'll do everything 50% of the time.

And the kids will hate her for causing their dad to move away.

That’s not really true. They will hate her because half of the time they have to live with a guy who has such an unkempt house that they can’t have friends over and who doesn’t take them to sports/birthday parties/events.

They should be angry at him, but they never are (at least not not until they grow up). It’s deeply unfair.

And if he truly doesn't do any of the things that "she is making him do now" she would have a really great case against him with CPS. You can't just have kids live in filth.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So each time we bicker or fight he completely checks out. Stops all help with the kids, housework, yard work, groceries, etc. If I bring it up, he says- well, you wanted to be right so enjoy being right. You can do it all now.

Drives me insane to the point of wanting a divorce. How do I fight back against this?

This is a really cruel way to treat your partner. It's petty and retaliatory. A healthy person is helpful and kind as a matter of principle and character; it's not used as a carrot or a stick to manipulate others.

Definitely do not fight the petty with petty. That will get you nothing but covered in mud. I'd ignore his tantrums as much as possible and ask him to go to counseling. If he's unwilling, I'd think long and hard about the future of the marriage.

And try to see the big picture. He doesn't seem to have the emotional tools to deal with criticism or conflict. So he lashes out to punish you for making him feel that way. His subconscious goal is to teach you not to upset him so he doesn't have to deal with those feelings. But obviously the healthy goal should be for him to parent himself so he can react like an adult during conflict. Depending on your relationship when you're not bickering, you might be able to bring this up . . . Hey, it seems like when we fight, you withdraw and stop being part of the family. That's hurtful and feels unfair to me. I'm curious about what you're feeling that makes you react like this . . . you know I still love you even when we have a fight, right?

Of course if we're dealing with a personality disorder rather than someone who's emotionally immature then a gentle conversation probably won't help anything.

Good luck, OP.

He's "lashing out"? LOL. He's just not doing chores for someone that treats him poorly.

He's not doing chores "for" her, he's a parent and he lives in a house and he eats food and wears clothes and so he has responsibilities. The "you can't make me" attitude is like having another child around to take care of.

Nope. If he doen't care about a messy house, a terrible yard or kids not doing anything other than watching TV then he is doing chores for her. Preumably she wnats the yard upkept and doesnt wnat to do all the driving to all teh sports/events. So maybe she should stop sucking unless she wnats to do it all.

And if they divorce? It will be the same. She'll do everything 50% of the time.

And the kids will hate her for causing their dad to move away.

HAHAHAHA nice try looser. So he doesn't sleep in the same sheets as her, doesn't use the same bathroom, doesn't eat out the same dishes. GTFO with that childish talk. He just wants her to keep doing it for him.

DP. My DH and I don't share a bed and neither do upwards of 20% of all couples. You sound unhinged. I bet youre divorced.

I'm unhinged because I expect a person who lived in the same house with me to equality contribute to the upkeep of the house? Mmmmkaaayyyy the 50's are calling you back.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The day I quit arguing with my husband was the day serenity and togetherness made our marriage stronger.

So when he's wrong or pisses you off you just sit there?

I try to interpret it in a different way. For example, he gets angry when he gets home from work and the house is messy or dinner isn’t made (I work overnights, so I’m home during the day). He doesn’t yell, but I can tell that he’s pissed.
Instead of saying something about how he shouldn’t be angry with me, that I work too, I just focus on the fact that he KNOWS that he shouldn’t be mad. He is trying to hide it and let it go.

So, I appreciate his effort. He gets some time to get over it. I don’t have to be an anxious people pleaser. He doesn’t have to be an angry jerk. And instead of spending the evening arguing about whether HE started the fight by acting annoyed or I started the fight by saying something about it, we just order dinner,drink some iced tea, and do the crossword on the porch.

Whatever you think about this, I can tell you which one is more pleasant for the kids.