Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does this happen? I have encountered several people like this. Very loving families, would themselves describe their parents and families as loving, supportive, and functional and also it looks that way via observation. No childhood trauma or evidence of abuse/neglect. Continued support into adulthood.

But then they are jerks. Or have the capacity to be jerks in certain circumstances where it's surprising to see it come out. I know several women with this background, for instance, who are total "mean girl" gossips -- spread nasty rumors about women they claim they are friends with, can be very selfish with their time, demand attention and can be petty or cruel if they don't feel they get it.

How does this happen? I thought good parenting was supposed to address behaviors like this. Were they too doted on? Favorite daughters whose behavior didn't get corrected? I always figured people who acted like this were acting out of insecurity and some kind of childhood wound, but perhaps I was wrong.

Asking partly out of curiosity, and partly because I want to avoid raising a person who behaves this way in adulthood.

So many assumptions, so little time, OP.

Truth is, you have zero idea what people are going through.

That's... not an answer. If it isn't family dysfunction or poor parenting that causes this behavior, what is it? What are people "going through" that causes people with good parents and happy childhoods to be unkind or even cruel?

Grief
Illness
Divorce
Addiction
Adultery
Financial troubles
Job instability

Or any other adverse condition that happens to adults over their lifetime

The people I'm talking about are not going through divorce, illness, job instability, or financial troubles. And they are protected from the last two because of comfortable backgrounds that helped ensure they started out life with the best possible education and a lot of financial stability.

Why would someone with loving, supportive family and no childhood trauma develop addiction issues? Does that actually happen? Everyone I know with addiction and mental health issues can trace it at least in part to childhood issues.

So that leaves grief and adultery. Which sure, can befall anyone. But shouldn't someone from a loving, supportive, UMC or UC home know of ways to handle those things that don't involve treating other people terribly?

I'm not trying to be argumentative, but these responses are still not explaining why someone who has the background we'd all like to give our children (presumably) would behave in ways that are unequivocally unkind.

I can’t imagine why someone would get irritated with you and say something mean. You seem so pleasant, accepting and nonjudgmental.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does this happen? I have encountered several people like this. Very loving families, would themselves describe their parents and families as loving, supportive, and functional and also it looks that way via observation. No childhood trauma or evidence of abuse/neglect. Continued support into adulthood.

But then they are jerks. Or have the capacity to be jerks in certain circumstances where it's surprising to see it come out. I know several women with this background, for instance, who are total "mean girl" gossips -- spread nasty rumors about women they claim they are friends with, can be very selfish with their time, demand attention and can be petty or cruel if they don't feel they get it.

How does this happen? I thought good parenting was supposed to address behaviors like this. Were they too doted on? Favorite daughters whose behavior didn't get corrected? I always figured people who acted like this were acting out of insecurity and some kind of childhood wound, but perhaps I was wrong.

Asking partly out of curiosity, and partly because I want to avoid raising a person who behaves this way in adulthood.

So many assumptions, so little time, OP.

Truth is, you have zero idea what people are going through.

That's... not an answer. If it isn't family dysfunction or poor parenting that causes this behavior, what is it? What are people "going through" that causes people with good parents and happy childhoods to be unkind or even cruel?

Grief
Illness
Divorce
Addiction
Adultery
Financial troubles
Job instability

Or any other adverse condition that happens to adults over their lifetime

The people I'm talking about are not going through divorce, illness, job instability, or financial troubles. And they are protected from the last two because of comfortable backgrounds that helped ensure they started out life with the best possible education and a lot of financial stability.

Why would someone with loving, supportive family and no childhood trauma develop addiction issues? Does that actually happen? Everyone I know with addiction and mental health issues can trace it at least in part to childhood issues.

So that leaves grief and adultery. Which sure, can befall anyone. But shouldn't someone from a loving, supportive, UMC or UC home know of ways to handle those things that don't involve treating other people terribly?

I'm not trying to be argumentative, but these responses are still not explaining why someone who has the background we'd all like to give our children (presumably) would behave in ways that are unequivocally unkind.

Anonymous wrote:Elizabeth Holmes. She seemed to have a similar background. She says she was sexually assaulted in high school.

The women who participated in that NXIVM cult with women being branded were also from upper middle class back grounds. They lured other women into the cult.

Women and men from seemingly perfect upbringings can be highly competitive to not want to fall in the rankings.

Anonymous wrote:Hmm..i think this question has come up before twice at least in my reading and i think that it is being asked by someone who survived an awful family and is now finally facing the 'normal' world on her own and realising that most of the 'normal' world is not caring, fair or kind.
Those of us who strive to be normal have used books, tv, stories as a picture into whatvthe world should be and it is always about good is better than evil, kindness better than selfishness and other such "be good" stuff.
The truth is no one is going to be good to you just because you are following the rules, everyone is pretty selfish and the normies dont love us like we think they would for bending over backwards to please them....
Many seemjngly normal people are mean, selfish, unprofessional and nasty and that's just the way it is, that IS normal

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does this happen? I have encountered several people like this. Very loving families, would themselves describe their parents and families as loving, supportive, and functional and also it looks that way via observation. No childhood trauma or evidence of abuse/neglect. Continued support into adulthood.

But then they are jerks. Or have the capacity to be jerks in certain circumstances where it's surprising to see it come out. I know several women with this background, for instance, who are total "mean girl" gossips -- spread nasty rumors about women they claim they are friends with, can be very selfish with their time, demand attention and can be petty or cruel if they don't feel they get it.

How does this happen? I thought good parenting was supposed to address behaviors like this. Were they too doted on? Favorite daughters whose behavior didn't get corrected? I always figured people who acted like this were acting out of insecurity and some kind of childhood wound, but perhaps I was wrong.

Asking partly out of curiosity, and partly because I want to avoid raising a person who behaves this way in adulthood.

So many assumptions, so little time, OP.

Truth is, you have zero idea what people are going through.

+1

Could be lots of things. Could be that supportive family only exists if they’re perfect, or that the little princess was a mean girl but the parents thought she could do no wrong. Could be mental illness. Could be that she did have childhood trauma but you’re not aware, and she’s not advertising it because most people don’t. Could be they’re dealing with something terrible now and it’s making them snap. Could be as simple as being rude works for them and gets results. Could be that they don’t think there’s anything wrong with their behavior and lack empathy. Could be that there’s nothing wrong with their behavior and you’re too sensitive. There’s no way to know. If you don’t like them, don’t hang out with them anymore because you shouldn’t waste you’re time with people you don’t like.

The people I'm thinking of definitely don't have childhood trauma. I know you'll tell me "you can't know that" but I do know it.

The behavior I'm talking about is unequivocally unkind, not up for debate.

So you've got: mental illness, permissive parents who ignored bad behavior, or some kind of ongoing issue that is making them "snap" (though again, this begs the question, wouldn't someone well parented with good family support have some built-in backstops to prevent "snapping"? if your family is loving and supportive and amazing, why would you need to take out frustration or whatever on someone else when you could just lean on your family in a time of need -- it's a dysfunctional behavior).

Unless they have told you, “I didn’t have childhood trauma”, you don’t know. I was assaulted in Kindergarten and none of my cousins know. None of my friends know. None of my neighbors know. How are you SURE?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does this happen? I have encountered several people like this. Very loving families, would themselves describe their parents and families as loving, supportive, and functional and also it looks that way via observation. No childhood trauma or evidence of abuse/neglect. Continued support into adulthood.

But then they are jerks. Or have the capacity to be jerks in certain circumstances where it's surprising to see it come out. I know several women with this background, for instance, who are total "mean girl" gossips -- spread nasty rumors about women they claim they are friends with, can be very selfish with their time, demand attention and can be petty or cruel if they don't feel they get it.

How does this happen? I thought good parenting was supposed to address behaviors like this. Were they too doted on? Favorite daughters whose behavior didn't get corrected? I always figured people who acted like this were acting out of insecurity and some kind of childhood wound, but perhaps I was wrong.

Asking partly out of curiosity, and partly because I want to avoid raising a person who behaves this way in adulthood.

So many assumptions, so little time, OP.

Truth is, you have zero idea what people are going through.

+1

Could be lots of things. Could be that supportive family only exists if they’re perfect, or that the little princess was a mean girl but the parents thought she could do no wrong. Could be mental illness. Could be that she did have childhood trauma but you’re not aware, and she’s not advertising it because most people don’t. Could be they’re dealing with something terrible now and it’s making them snap. Could be as simple as being rude works for them and gets results. Could be that they don’t think there’s anything wrong with their behavior and lack empathy. Could be that there’s nothing wrong with their behavior and you’re too sensitive. There’s no way to know. If you don’t like them, don’t hang out with them anymore because you shouldn’t waste you’re time with people you don’t like.

The people I'm thinking of definitely don't have childhood trauma. I know you'll tell me "you can't know that" but I do know it.

The behavior I'm talking about is unequivocally unkind, not up for debate.

So you've got: mental illness, permissive parents who ignored bad behavior, or some kind of ongoing issue that is making them "snap" (though again, this begs the question, wouldn't someone well parented with good family support have some built-in backstops to prevent "snapping"? if your family is loving and supportive and amazing, why would you need to take out frustration or whatever on someone else when you could just lean on your family in a time of need -- it's a dysfunctional behavior).

Unless they have told you, “I didn’t have childhood trauma”, you don’t know. I was assaulted in Kindergarten and none of my cousins know. None of my friends know. None of my neighbors know. How are you SURE?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How does this happen? I have encountered several people like this. Very loving families, would themselves describe their parents and families as loving, supportive, and functional and also it looks that way via observation. No childhood trauma or evidence of abuse/neglect. Continued support into adulthood.

But then they are jerks. Or have the capacity to be jerks in certain circumstances where it's surprising to see it come out. I know several women with this background, for instance, who are total "mean girl" gossips -- spread nasty rumors about women they claim they are friends with, can be very selfish with their time, demand attention and can be petty or cruel if they don't feel they get it.

How does this happen? I thought good parenting was supposed to address behaviors like this. Were they too doted on? Favorite daughters whose behavior didn't get corrected? I always figured people who acted like this were acting out of insecurity and some kind of childhood wound, but perhaps I was wrong.

Asking partly out of curiosity, and partly because I want to avoid raising a person who behaves this way in adulthood.

So many assumptions, so little time, OP.

Truth is, you have zero idea what people are going through.

+1

Could be lots of things. Could be that supportive family only exists if they’re perfect, or that the little princess was a mean girl but the parents thought she could do no wrong. Could be mental illness. Could be that she did have childhood trauma but you’re not aware, and she’s not advertising it because most people don’t. Could be they’re dealing with something terrible now and it’s making them snap. Could be as simple as being rude works for them and gets results. Could be that they don’t think there’s anything wrong with their behavior and lack empathy. Could be that there’s nothing wrong with their behavior and you’re too sensitive. There’s no way to know. If you don’t like them, don’t hang out with them anymore because you shouldn’t waste you’re time with people you don’t like.

The people I'm thinking of definitely don't have childhood trauma. I know you'll tell me "you can't know that" but I do know it.

The behavior I'm talking about is unequivocally unkind, not up for debate.

So you've got: mental illness, permissive parents who ignored bad behavior, or some kind of ongoing issue that is making them "snap" (though again, this begs the question, wouldn't someone well parented with good family support have some built-in backstops to prevent "snapping"? if your family is loving and supportive and amazing, why would you need to take out frustration or whatever on someone else when you could just lean on your family in a time of need -- it's a dysfunctional behavior).