Etiquette was invented to make it easier for people to socialize and make everyone comfortable with each other.

The people who blindly follow a set of "rules", to the detriment of their comfort or that of their guests, misunderstanding why etiquette was invented in the first place.

It is much better to figure out a happy, stress-free medium between what you're prepared to do, as a guest or a host, and what your host or your guests prefer, than to insist everyone follow a rigid and antiquated rule.

The solution is to err on the side of more courtesy when you are the guest, and the side of more flexibility if you are the host.

If you absolutely need something (a dish for food allergies, or help with a potluck), then you need to communicate clearly with the people involved. But if you expected gifts and don't get as many as you wanted, or you are not happy with a store-bought dish and wanted everyone to prepared something home-made... YOU are the one with inappropriate expectations.

Anonymous wrote:Greedy grab fest

This. OP should be embarrassed. Yes, we know she isn’t, but she should be,

Anonymous wrote:Adult should RSVP on their own, for sure, but gifts are never required and should never be expected. It is unbelievably rude and tacky to think otherwise.

Yes, even for showers. A prompt RSVP, and a smile and well-wishes to the person being celebrated are all that is required. A card expressing good wishes or congratulations would also be nice, but again, is not required. If you don’t know that, you seriously need to brush up on etiquette.

Not true. If adults are invited on their own, yes - they should RSVP on their own and bring their own gift or bland Mac n cheese (I assume a white suburban mom is posting this)

If they are invited as part of a large family "The Larla Family" then it should be one family RSVP and one gift/dish.

My MIL signs our name when she sends flowers to funerals on her side. Once I sent flowers too and she was hurt that her flowers weren’t good enough and we wanted to do our own. I had just thought it was strange that it wasn’t expected that her 35 year old son with a wife and kids to send flowers for their own family. So I stopped sending extra flowers. I have no idea if anyone reads the cards and thinks it’s weird. I also have no idea if she’s adding our name to other cards/gifts. Sometimes it’s easier to go along to keep parents happy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom hosts extended family reunions that I attend as a favor to her because I know she wants to show off the grandkids. I have exactly zero interest in attending these parties. When she also wants me to bring a dish, it grates on me. (I’m 43 years old, BTW). So if your younger cousins are coming to Aunt Gert’s birthday party as a favor to their own parent, I can see why they wouldn’t want to shop for a gift as well. From your phrasing (“coming up”) I’m assuming this is an out of town party for them.

Do you eat at these parties?

NP. Doesn’t matter. If you can’t feed your guests, don’t “host.” If someone *offers* to bring a dish or a beverage, by all means, take them up on the *offer.* But do not “host” an “event” and then expect your “guests” to provide the food and beverage.

Sorry you don’t make life’s rules. All families are different. The matriarch in our family is 85 and still wants to host events. However, it’s too much for her so we all contribute to setting up the table/arrangements, bringing food, cleaning up, etc. If all of the 20/30 something family members were bumps on a log, it would truly be hard to do. We have a very large family and are all happy to help, it’s tradition.

Yes, but if you are counting dishes/gifts on the way, you suck

I would never expect a young adult who is not financially secure to bring a gift. Ever.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom hosts extended family reunions that I attend as a favor to her because I know she wants to show off the grandkids. I have exactly zero interest in attending these parties. When she also wants me to bring a dish, it grates on me. (I’m 43 years old, BTW). So if your younger cousins are coming to Aunt Gert’s birthday party as a favor to their own parent, I can see why they wouldn’t want to shop for a gift as well. From your phrasing (“coming up”) I’m assuming this is an out of town party for them.

Do you eat at these parties?

NP. Doesn’t matter. If you can’t feed your guests, don’t “host.” If someone *offers* to bring a dish or a beverage, by all means, take them up on the *offer.* But do not “host” an “event” and then expect your “guests” to provide the food and beverage.

Sorry you don’t make life’s rules. All families are different. The matriarch in our family is 85 and still wants to host events. However, it’s too much for her so we all contribute to setting up the table/arrangements, bringing food, cleaning up, etc. If all of the 20/30 something family members were bumps on a log, it would truly be hard to do. We have a very large family and are all happy to help, it’s tradition.

Anonymous wrote:Calm down, Aunt Larla! I earn much more money than my parents. When my mom and I “go in together” for a gift for Larlette’s baby shower, I get you the Uppa stroller or the Stokke chair on her registry. If you insist we gift separately, I’ll spend less so it doesn’t look like I’m flaunting my success and my mom will buy Larlette some random baby clothes with Kohl’s cash. I promise the joint gift is better.

Same with bringing a dish - unless you’re the same poster who thinks only homemade scratch dishes are acceptable. I’ll pick up a gorgeous platter from Balducci’s “from all of us”. Do you really want my mom’s deviled eggs or Waldorf salad?

+1

Also, loving the old school Larla

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom hosts extended family reunions that I attend as a favor to her because I know she wants to show off the grandkids. I have exactly zero interest in attending these parties. When she also wants me to bring a dish, it grates on me. (I’m 43 years old, BTW). So if your younger cousins are coming to Aunt Gert’s birthday party as a favor to their own parent, I can see why they wouldn’t want to shop for a gift as well. From your phrasing (“coming up”) I’m assuming this is an out of town party for them.

Do you eat at these parties?

NP. Doesn’t matter. If you can’t feed your guests, don’t “host.” If someone *offers* to bring a dish or a beverage, by all means, take them up on the *offer.* But do not “host” an “event” and then expect your “guests” to provide the food and beverage.

Adult should RSVP on their own, for sure, but gifts are never required and should never be expected. It is unbelievably rude and tacky to think otherwise.

Yes, even for showers. A prompt RSVP, and a smile and well-wishes to the person being celebrated are all that is required. A card expressing good wishes or congratulations would also be nice, but again, is not required. If you don’t know that, you seriously need to brush up on etiquette.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep all my cousins in their 20s/early 30s do this. The same goes for Thanksgiving/Easter, they don’t bring their own dish.

What do you mean???

I mean they show up to Thanksgiving empty handed! These are grown adults who cook for themselves on a day-to-day basis. But they think they don’t have to bring anything to contribute to the family meal.

You should show them your scorecard so they know where they are failing at these family events.

If you're so peeved about it, just say "Hey Larlo/Larla, can you help me/so-and-so clean up the dishes?" as his or her contribution. If they say no, pull them aside, be an adult, and tell them what you think. If you're a coward and can't do that, then zip it.

The end.

Anonymous wrote:Gauche to pay attention to what gifts other people are bringing, OP.

This. Grow up.
And if it was a family invite, you get one gift.

Lastly, 25 is an adult. But, that doesn't mean they have the money or job that you think they have. THey may be in grad school. They may be scrimping by. Show some #%@$% grace for once.

Anonymous wrote:Separate invite, separate gift. One invite, one gift.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep all my cousins in their 20s/early 30s do this. The same goes for Thanksgiving/Easter, they don’t bring their own dish.

What do you mean???

I mean they show up to Thanksgiving empty handed! These are grown adults who cook for themselves on a day-to-day basis. But they think they don’t have to bring anything to contribute to the family meal.

But, they come with a family member who did cook a meal? This level of petty is why I don't do pot lucks

There should be plenty of food if the host is organized and delegates correctly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep all my cousins in their 20s/early 30s do this. The same goes for Thanksgiving/Easter, they don’t bring their own dish.

What do you mean???

I mean they show up to Thanksgiving empty handed! These are grown adults who cook for themselves on a day-to-day basis. But they think they don’t have to bring anything to contribute to the family meal.

But, they come with a family member who did cook a meal? This level of petty is why I don't do pot lucks

We have 30 + at our family meals. Everyone is expected to contribute. Not only to the never Offer to bring anything, they don’t whelp to set up or clean up. They nap on the grandparents couch!!!

Clearly they and their parents are not aware of this expectation. Use your words if you are the host.