Anonymous wrote:Your house, your rules. My parents had a "your door should always open rule" (unless we were changing or something). I hated that rule, sometimes I just wanted privacy, to close my door while I spoke with my friends on the phone. So I have different rules at my house. The door can be closed, but not locked. And my husband and I will always knock and wait for a "come in" before walking in. That works for us, we have 3 teens.

And forgot to add, we are free to walk into their rooms when they are not there. My daughter asks to borrow my things all the time, but often forgets to return them, so I will go hunting for my things into her room even if she's not there. Same with my sons, they are so messy, I will go into their rooms and tidy stuff up here and there.

Your house, your rules. My parents had a "your door should always open rule" (unless we were changing or something). I hated that rule, sometimes I just wanted privacy, to close my door while I spoke with my friends on the phone. So I have different rules at my house. The door can be closed, but not locked. And my husband and I will always knock and wait for a "come in" before walking in. That works for us, we have 3 teens.

Anonymous wrote:Does he pay the mortgage? No? Then it's YOUR room.

But what about your tween’s IPhone?

I mean, who pays for it, who owns it, and who is allowed to go into it?

Does he pay the mortgage? No? Then it's YOUR room.

Um no. You are the parent. It’s your house.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op are you white?

Relevance?

Because this wouldn’t even be a question in non-white homes

The kid wouldn’t even bother to ask/demand because they would already know the answer

White home here. It’s not a question here either. Don’t lump us all together.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His room, he is entitled to privacy

So you’re saying that a parent is never allowed in the room of an 11 year old unless they have his explicit permission. Is that correct?

In our house, 2 kids now in college, yes. They are great kids and we've never had a reason not to trust them. Perfect? No. Got into trouble sometimes? Yes. They are now 2 young adults, and, as teens, why wouldn't I respect their privacy? Too many helicopter parents here

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op are you white?

Relevance?

Because this wouldn’t even be a question in non-white homes

The kid wouldn’t even bother to ask/demand because they would already know the answer

What’s his concern? Privacy? If you don’t think there are any real behavior concerns such as drinking/drugs or the like he’s trying to hide, then I would work on reassuring him that you have no plans to go through his stuff but will go in there for basic stuff - once he’s a teenager you might add the caveat regarding behavior concerns but at 10-12 not sure I’d add that yet.

My guess since you said tween is that he is probably hiding porn or something like that and is horribly embarrassed at the idea of uoi finding that. That’s nothing I would personally care about.

I might sound permissive here compared to most but I remember how mortified I was at the idea that my parents would go in my room and read or look at my drawing/stories notebooks at this age. I was a total nerd and was up to absolutely nothing lol, just super self conscious and my dad would always try to look at my stuff and I effectively closed him off bc he pushed me in that. My mom gave me space and reassurance and I just trusted her more bc she respected that.

Anonymous wrote:Suddenly tween son thinks I’m not allowed in his room and have to ask permission to enter even when he’s not there. I don’t recall ever doing this to my mom and this seems not okay to me. I’m fine with knowing if he’s inside and w not going through his stuff, but not entering?

I told him if he wants that then he has to do the things associated w having a space & for which people currently enter: making bed, changing sheets, keeping clean, folding and putting away clean laundry, packing & unpacking suitcases, etc.

???take the door off the hinges.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a negotiation. He can keep you out of his room when he moves out of your house and pays his own rent/mortgage. Why are you putting up with this from a child?

Great way to alienate them when they’re 20. Are you going to check their phones at that age, too?

Yes! A kid under 13 (a tween) shpuld have their phone checked!

My nephew tried this a lot as a teenager. My sister was a single mom and I remember she had our dad come over one day while her 16 year old was at school and physically remove the bedroom door and store it in the garage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His room, he is entitled to privacy

Of course. Knock before you open the door.

This is what we do. Knocking is polite and the closed door allows for privacy.

Anonymous wrote:Adam Lanza’s mom wasn’t “allowed” to go in his room either.

I must know you IRL, that was one of my first thoughts. Same with Dylan Kleibold

You knock before entering when they are in the room and you wait for a reply to enter. That’s it. Anything else you just ignore his request or if he presses you just say no there are no rooms in the house that are off limits to you.