Anonymous wrote:The buck stops with you. If your three year old has a meltdown or misbehaves it is your fault. Have realistic expectations and meditate on what YOU need to change to set them up for success. If my kids make a mistake it's my mistake.

Disagree and I think this would make some parents overly anxious to the point that it would inhibit good parenting. While I do definitely think parents are largely responsible for teaching their children how to manage emotions and should be setting their kids up for success, I would see a 3y/o misbehaving in an age appropriate way as no one’s fault. It’s an opportunity for learning but I wouldn’t view the parent or child as bad or assign fault.

The buck stops with you. If your three year old has a meltdown or misbehaves it is your fault. Have realistic expectations and meditate on what YOU need to change to set them up for success. If my kids make a mistake it's my mistake.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best parenting advice I've ever received, and which I remind myself often, is: parent the child you have.

It works for all ages. People will try to sell you on parenting approaches that worked for their kids, or that they heard are the "best" way to parent. And you will try that stuff and feel like a failure when it doesn't work for your kid. But not everything works for all kids.

Example:

One of my kids is highly sensitive. To everything -- strong smells, loud noises, strong emotions. She is just more reactive to her surroundings and less "go with the flow" than the other kid. If I parented them in the exact same way, she'd be really anxious and difficult because when she feels overwhelmed by her surroundings (which happens easily) she becomes highly rigid and controlling. So something that might work with my older kid, like setting a timer for getting ready in the morning, will simply stress her out and make it harder to get out the door. I have to approach it differently.

So when a parenting approach makes sense and works for you, great! You found the right approach for your kid, whether it came to you naturally or you got it from a book or whatever. But if something you do doesn't work, no matter why you did it, just accept "ok, this is not right for this kid, let me think about what will work better." THAT is what makes for a good parent -- the ability to adjust, to stop doing things that aren't working for your family, and to get creative and come up with solutions that do work even if it's not what everyone else does.

Never trust anyone who thinks they know the "one, correct way" to parent. They are myopic and simply don't have enough experience with different kinds of kids.

I absolutely agree with this. Different kids (and different parents!) well find different approaches effective. Do what works best for your family.

And also: little kids will listen and model. Demonstrate the behaviors and speech and habits you want them to pick up consistently.

This x 10000

Be the parent you want your kid to have and you’re more likely to have the kid you want.

This makes me ROFL. My immigrant parents were 100% the parents the wanted us to have. Though well-intentioned, their thoughts about parenting were a really bad fit for this society and we kids clashed with our parents repeatedly.

My suggestion would be to simply pay attention to your kids and what they need, instead of trying to be a particular type of parent.

Regarding advice from non-parents, I do think it's good to be open to targeted advice from someone who might have the opportunity to interact with your kid in a different way. So while I wouldn't start soliciting advice from all your friends and family members, if the nanny or daycare worker or therapist offers some feedback, try to suppress your urge to get defensive and listen. Even if their exact suggestion isn't on point, sometimes they can flag an issue or put it in a different context in a way that helps you address it.

I also think parenting books can offer a wealth of information. There is no one book I think solves everything (not even Oh Crap!) but I find it useful to read these books periodically, especially if I'm feeling stuck with a parenting issue, because they offer different perspectives and ideas. Sometimes I learn a new approach, other times I just get some reinforcement for something I was doing instinctively anyway.

But in general, I think a lot of unsolicited parenting advice is bad, whether from other parents or childfree people. People like to feel smart and when they see a parent dealing with a challenging kid, or even an easy kid in a tough moment, they seize the moment. Anyone who only interacts with your kid or your family periodically is probably unqualified to give advice, and if they are offering it without you asking, odds are good they have some judgment issues of their own.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best parenting advice I've ever received, and which I remind myself often, is: parent the child you have.

It works for all ages. People will try to sell you on parenting approaches that worked for their kids, or that they heard are the "best" way to parent. And you will try that stuff and feel like a failure when it doesn't work for your kid. But not everything works for all kids.

Example:

One of my kids is highly sensitive. To everything -- strong smells, loud noises, strong emotions. She is just more reactive to her surroundings and less "go with the flow" than the other kid. If I parented them in the exact same way, she'd be really anxious and difficult because when she feels overwhelmed by her surroundings (which happens easily) she becomes highly rigid and controlling. So something that might work with my older kid, like setting a timer for getting ready in the morning, will simply stress her out and make it harder to get out the door. I have to approach it differently.

So when a parenting approach makes sense and works for you, great! You found the right approach for your kid, whether it came to you naturally or you got it from a book or whatever. But if something you do doesn't work, no matter why you did it, just accept "ok, this is not right for this kid, let me think about what will work better." THAT is what makes for a good parent -- the ability to adjust, to stop doing things that aren't working for your family, and to get creative and come up with solutions that do work even if it's not what everyone else does.

Never trust anyone who thinks they know the "one, correct way" to parent. They are myopic and simply don't have enough experience with different kinds of kids.

I absolutely agree with this. Different kids (and different parents!) well find different approaches effective. Do what works best for your family.

And also: little kids will listen and model. Demonstrate the behaviors and speech and habits you want them to pick up consistently.

This x 10000

Be the parent you want your kid to have and you’re more likely to have the kid you want.

This. If you want respectful kids who say please and thank you, stay calm when things get tricky, are flexible, etc., you have to do those things. It's not a guarantee and you'll still have to parent (your kid will have some engrained personality traits and some things require more reinforcement than just modeling because they are hard to master), but when you encounter ver polite, respectful kids with good emotional regulation, you can assume their parents are polite and respectful towards them and modeling good emotional regulation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually the best advice I got was 1) parenting is not intuitive and a non-parent can often have better advice than a parent, and 2) more often than not, there is not a direct causation between a parent's parenting style and a child's behavior.

The only people who believe #1 are non-parents who just know they will be the bestest parents in the world.

Yes omg I hate advice from non-parents. The cluelessness is absurd.

It is often absurd and it can also be unintentionally hilarious, but sometimes it is very sweet because it comes from a place of extreme naïveté. You never know experience they might have had. I'm not totally opposed to getting advice from childless people had to raise younger siblings, or are elementary school teachers.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best parenting advice I've ever received, and which I remind myself often, is: parent the child you have.

It works for all ages. People will try to sell you on parenting approaches that worked for their kids, or that they heard are the "best" way to parent. And you will try that stuff and feel like a failure when it doesn't work for your kid. But not everything works for all kids.

Example:

One of my kids is highly sensitive. To everything -- strong smells, loud noises, strong emotions. She is just more reactive to her surroundings and less "go with the flow" than the other kid. If I parented them in the exact same way, she'd be really anxious and difficult because when she feels overwhelmed by her surroundings (which happens easily) she becomes highly rigid and controlling. So something that might work with my older kid, like setting a timer for getting ready in the morning, will simply stress her out and make it harder to get out the door. I have to approach it differently.

So when a parenting approach makes sense and works for you, great! You found the right approach for your kid, whether it came to you naturally or you got it from a book or whatever. But if something you do doesn't work, no matter why you did it, just accept "ok, this is not right for this kid, let me think about what will work better." THAT is what makes for a good parent -- the ability to adjust, to stop doing things that aren't working for your family, and to get creative and come up with solutions that do work even if it's not what everyone else does.

Never trust anyone who thinks they know the "one, correct way" to parent. They are myopic and simply don't have enough experience with different kinds of kids.

I absolutely agree with this. Different kids (and different parents!) well find different approaches effective. Do what works best for your family.

And also: little kids will listen and model. Demonstrate the behaviors and speech and habits you want them to pick up consistently.

This x 10000

Be the parent you want your kid to have and you’re more likely to have the kid you want.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
1. Throw all the books into the recycling and never buy another.

2. Naturally quiet and passive children are born that way, and it's due to inherited personality traits that the parents likely have as well. We are all like this to some degree in the family.

3. If you have a feisty kid, you will need to do extra parenting, arm yourself with more patience, and accept smaller results over a longer period of time. That's OK, and not a reflection of your parenting skills!

4. If you believe your kid's behaviors are truly out of the range of normal for their age, do not hesitate in getting them evaluated by a psychologist for ADHD, ASD, or whatever else you believe they might have. Early intervention helps a lot. Also be aware that teachers cannot actually come out and pronounce these words. They will couch it in "attention issues", "speaks out of turn" , "needs repeated directions", "has emotional outbursts", etc...

For point 1, do you mean parenting books or books for your kids? Because it takes all kinds and I respect your opinion but I firmly believe lots and lots of books (for kids, fiction and non, new and old) are essential for a happy and healthy childhood.

Ha ha ha! What do you think I meant?

My oldest is about to graduate from high school. He was a bookworm from a young age, like my other kids and myself. The self-help book world is another beast altogether, and not worth OP's money.

However, the behaviors of hypersensitive children, or those with extreme reactions, should be discussed with the pediatrician and researched online by the parent. I have a child with inattentive ADHD/ASD and learning disabilities and they appeared early on in toddlerhood. It was clear there was something going on, and even though his complex profile took years to be fully teased out, at least we were able to get physical, occupational and speech therapies for everything that stood out. This kid required very different, much more intensive, parenting than my other children.

I was reading it before coffee and thought you meant throw out all books, like literally all of the books in your house and I had a moment there. 😂😂🤣

I then reread and thought maybe you meant parenting books only. I haven’t found a use for them yet but I have friends who like them and think as long as no one thinks that any one parenting book is gospel truth and will work for all kids they’re not harming anyone.

Anonymous wrote:Hold the line. Kids enjoy boundaries and rules; it makes them feel safe. When there is a boundary or a rule, make sure you enforce it and don't be wishy washy about it. If you say that you will leave the playground if your kids push each other, then leave the playground when it happens. Sometimes it's hard as a parent (like leaving restaurants or leaving your own friends' houses), but if you don't do it behavior won't improve. I have so much fun with my kids, but they know I mean what I say.

People talk a lot about leaving as a consequence, but know that for many kids who struggle with impulse control, escaping can be a powerful reinforcer. Even if a kid loves the playground or the friends' house, when they are stressed in the moment, getting out of the situation that is stressing them becomes the goal. They might regret it 5 minutes later. They might cry all the way home in the car. But the next time they are overwhelmed their subconscious will remember that pushing got them out of the situation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with throwing all parenting books away. After Happiest Baby on the Block worked with the 5 S's, we also tried the methods from Happiest Toddler on the Block. Obviously, not everything works for all kids, but we got concrete ideas for how to reinforce good behavior rather than focusing on the negative. In addition to staying away from "good" and "bad" language and instead using "helpful" and "unhelpful," I think one of the best things we did was basically talking about our kids behind their backs so they would eavesdrop. The idea is that, if you say something directly to the child, they kind of take it with a grain of salt, like most adults would. Whereas, if you say something to your spouse/partner about them in a way that they can hear it, it means more. Example: Did you see how Larla put away all her toys? That was so helpful!

The other advice I loved an got from a fellow parent was to always give choices, but choices you can live with. When your toddler starts asserting him or herself, they want to be able to confidently start making decisions, so give them little things they can choose, such as a choice between 2 outfits for the next day. But more than 2 options seems to overwhelm most kids.

The choice thing also worked for somewhat negative behavior/things they need to do. If child needs to do something like go upstairs, I might say, "On the count of 3, either you will go upstairs yourself or I will carry you, but you can choose." Or, if child is doing something like throwing food at mealtime, "Either you will stop throwing food or you will choose that mealtime is over." I remember using this method in front of my mother who was convinced that my 18mo wouldn't understand what I was saying, but she was proven very wrong.

+1 Sometimes the choices are do you want to do this now or in 5 minutes?

Also, for my challenging kids, as much positive reinforcement as possible. We focused on catching them being good and used visual reminders like a sticker chart followed by a reward. I know the "punished by rewards" school of thought but that didn't work for my kids. One of my friends was IMO a bit self-righteous in the "we don't use rewards or punishments, we just talk with the kids" which worked great for her eager-to-please little kids but they later struggled with anxiety.

Another "choice" that works particularly well with toddlers is "do you want to do this yourself or do you want me to do it for you?" This was a go-to for mornings and bedtimes for a couple years because kids are motivated by wanting to be independent at that age. It also can make them more willing to accept your help when they actually need it, because you aren't giving them the option of just avoiding it altogether -- this can motivate them to say "yes, please do this for me" instead of fighting you on it because it's presented as a choice instead of forced on them.

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with throwing all parenting books away. After Happiest Baby on the Block worked with the 5 S's, we also tried the methods from Happiest Toddler on the Block. Obviously, not everything works for all kids, but we got concrete ideas for how to reinforce good behavior rather than focusing on the negative. In addition to staying away from "good" and "bad" language and instead using "helpful" and "unhelpful," I think one of the best things we did was basically talking about our kids behind their backs so they would eavesdrop. The idea is that, if you say something directly to the child, they kind of take it with a grain of salt, like most adults would. Whereas, if you say something to your spouse/partner about them in a way that they can hear it, it means more. Example: Did you see how Larla put away all her toys? That was so helpful!

The other advice I loved an got from a fellow parent was to always give choices, but choices you can live with. When your toddler starts asserting him or herself, they want to be able to confidently start making decisions, so give them little things they can choose, such as a choice between 2 outfits for the next day. But more than 2 options seems to overwhelm most kids.

The choice thing also worked for somewhat negative behavior/things they need to do. If child needs to do something like go upstairs, I might say, "On the count of 3, either you will go upstairs yourself or I will carry you, but you can choose." Or, if child is doing something like throwing food at mealtime, "Either you will stop throwing food or you will choose that mealtime is over." I remember using this method in front of my mother who was convinced that my 18mo wouldn't understand what I was saying, but she was proven very wrong.

+1 Sometimes the choices are do you want to do this now or in 5 minutes?

Also, for my challenging kids, as much positive reinforcement as possible. We focused on catching them being good and used visual reminders like a sticker chart followed by a reward. I know the "punished by rewards" school of thought but that didn't work for my kids. One of my friends was IMO a bit self-righteous in the "we don't use rewards or punishments, we just talk with the kids" which worked great for her eager-to-please little kids but they later struggled with anxiety.

Anonymous wrote:
1. Throw all the books into the recycling and never buy another.

2. Naturally quiet and passive children are born that way, and it's due to inherited personality traits that the parents likely have as well. We are all like this to some degree in the family.

3. If you have a feisty kid, you will need to do extra parenting, arm yourself with more patience, and accept smaller results over a longer period of time. That's OK, and not a reflection of your parenting skills!

4. If you believe your kid's behaviors are truly out of the range of normal for their age, do not hesitate in getting them evaluated by a psychologist for ADHD, ASD, or whatever else you believe they might have. Early intervention helps a lot. Also be aware that teachers cannot actually come out and pronounce these words. They will couch it in "attention issues", "speaks out of turn" , "needs repeated directions", "has emotional outbursts", etc...

I agree with most of this, though I do find the parenting books very helpful as long as you take them with a grain of salt and know that you have less control than you might like to think. Parenting my child with ADHD is a completely different ballgame than my child who is typically developing. And yes, it requires a ton more work and parenting. And he still will likely never be the kid people call out as so polite, well behaved etc, no matter how much I parent. But he also has incredible confidence and is the kid who will introduce himself to anyone, look an adult right in the eye and confidently ask a question or give a compliment. Like others have said, the best you can do is parent the child you have, love them for who they are, celebrate and build their strengths, and hope that genes fall on your side (seriously! so much is genes)

I disagree with throwing all parenting books away. After Happiest Baby on the Block worked with the 5 S's, we also tried the methods from Happiest Toddler on the Block. Obviously, not everything works for all kids, but we got concrete ideas for how to reinforce good behavior rather than focusing on the negative. In addition to staying away from "good" and "bad" language and instead using "helpful" and "unhelpful," I think one of the best things we did was basically talking about our kids behind their backs so they would eavesdrop. The idea is that, if you say something directly to the child, they kind of take it with a grain of salt, like most adults would. Whereas, if you say something to your spouse/partner about them in a way that they can hear it, it means more. Example: Did you see how Larla put away all her toys? That was so helpful!

The other advice I loved an got from a fellow parent was to always give choices, but choices you can live with. When your toddler starts asserting him or herself, they want to be able to confidently start making decisions, so give them little things they can choose, such as a choice between 2 outfits for the next day. But more than 2 options seems to overwhelm most kids.

The choice thing also worked for somewhat negative behavior/things they need to do. If child needs to do something like go upstairs, I might say, "On the count of 3, either you will go upstairs yourself or I will carry you, but you can choose." Or, if child is doing something like throwing food at mealtime, "Either you will stop throwing food or you will choose that mealtime is over." I remember using this method in front of my mother who was convinced that my 18mo wouldn't understand what I was saying, but she was proven very wrong.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
1. Throw all the books into the recycling and never buy another.

2. Naturally quiet and passive children are born that way, and it's due to inherited personality traits that the parents likely have as well. We are all like this to some degree in the family.

3. If you have a feisty kid, you will need to do extra parenting, arm yourself with more patience, and accept smaller results over a longer period of time. That's OK, and not a reflection of your parenting skills!

4. If you believe your kid's behaviors are truly out of the range of normal for their age, do not hesitate in getting them evaluated by a psychologist for ADHD, ASD, or whatever else you believe they might have. Early intervention helps a lot. Also be aware that teachers cannot actually come out and pronounce these words. They will couch it in "attention issues", "speaks out of turn" , "needs repeated directions", "has emotional outbursts", etc...

For point 1, do you mean parenting books or books for your kids? Because it takes all kinds and I respect your opinion but I firmly believe lots and lots of books (for kids, fiction and non, new and old) are essential for a happy and healthy childhood.

Ha ha ha! What do you think I meant?

My oldest is about to graduate from high school. He was a bookworm from a young age, like my other kids and myself. The self-help book world is another beast altogether, and not worth OP's money.

However, the behaviors of hypersensitive children, or those with extreme reactions, should be discussed with the pediatrician and researched online by the parent. I have a child with inattentive ADHD/ASD and learning disabilities and they appeared early on in toddlerhood. It was clear there was something going on, and even though his complex profile took years to be fully teased out, at least we were able to get physical, occupational and speech therapies for everything that stood out. This kid required very different, much more intensive, parenting than my other children.

Anonymous wrote:The only generally easy kids I’ve seen with really bad behavior are dealing with:
1) not enough sleep, usually because of a bedtime that is too late and/or tortured because of
2) the parents negotiate/accommodate too much and go back on their word. You can be gentle, kind and respectful without yielding your authority. The books all say that, but people do it anyway and blame the books.
3) the parents are not in control of their own emotions and consider their own frustration, annoyance, fatigue etc to be an excuse for changing their parenting and or “losing it.”

The other big thing is to go outside. Time in the house is the hardest time.

All this. Especially sleep and too much negotiation. And as one who did not have easy kids, all this is 1000% more important.