Anonymous wrote:Stay.
Out.
Of.
It.

They do not have to have a relationship.

She doesn’t have to have a relationship with someone who physically shook her as an adult: that is abuse.

He doesn’t have to have a relationship with someone who bullied him throughout his childhood: that is abuse.

You’ve enabled abuse, one way or another, by and to both of them for decades. STAY OUT OF IT AND LEAVE THEM ALONE. They are adults and if they want a relationship, THEY can forge one.

Stay out if it. And did I mention, you need to stay out of it.

In presenting your advice, it might be more well-received if you were more calm. You probably have a good point here, but when you state it in this fashion, it makes me question whether you are someone with balanced positions.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you come to terms with the fact that you’ve treated your daughter as a second class citizen in your home all these years?
If not, work on that OP

She got spoiled silly. She was the youngest and got away with stuff that none of the older ones would have. Plus we were so busy keeping my one son in line and off drugs that we let stuff slide with this daughter we never should have. That is why she feels entitled to bully the adult son who grew up very learning disabled since he is "Weird" in her eyes. She is fine with her homosexual and transgender friends (which I am glad she is) but judges the "socially different". She wouldn't even come to Christmas one year because her autistic nephew was there.

Sounds like you failed as parents. You should not have had so many kids when you couldn't meet the needs of the older ones.

What a nasty thing to say. Life is hard for everyone at some point or another and most people do the best they can.

DP
I agree with PP. Some people should have enough cognitive function to recognize they are too damaged to create other humans without making the world worse. Clearly OP is not that self-aware.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you come to terms with the fact that you’ve treated your daughter as a second class citizen in your home all these years?
If not, work on that OP

She got spoiled silly. She was the youngest and got away with stuff that none of the older ones would have. Plus we were so busy keeping my one son in line and off drugs that we let stuff slide with this daughter we never should have. That is why she feels entitled to bully the adult son who grew up very learning disabled since he is "Weird" in her eyes. She is fine with her homosexual and transgender friends (which I am glad she is) but judges the "socially different". She wouldn't even come to Christmas one year because her autistic nephew was there.

You sound like a “wonderful” parent. Why in the heck did you have 5 kids!?!?!? I feel sorry for all of them. That’s five lives, six including yours that you destroyed. Now my children will be left to deal with your druggy abusive children on this planet. Thanks a million.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would think that she has been abused or assaulted *by your son*, and this is the only time you know of, or the only incident you can't deny or rationalize away, but that it's been an ongoing thing and that's why she's mean to him.

It sounds like your daughter does not want to be assaulted again.

My son does not abuse. He simply was standing up for himself and maybe over-reacted out of bent up frustration. He never would hurt anyone. In fact he cuts himself to get frustration out and not act angry around others.

Clearly you are still justifying the abuse. Since this is the case your situation will not change. I hope your children can move on without you to something healthy and loving in their future.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why was your daughter allowed to bully your son? You write as if she did it for years. Is that true?

It sounds like OP is heavily biased in favor of her son, down to her rationalizing him shaking (!) his sister, so I think there’s more to this story.

This!

Sound like OP enabled the abuse FOR YEARS. She also favored her son, still does, and doesn’t recognize the childhood trauma of probably all her children, but especially her daughter. OP, seriously you need to recognize your part in all this and get therapy. Then get to know your adult children as adults, not as their mother who enabled all their trauma and caused lifelong scars. Recognize your part TO YOUR DAUGHTER. If my brother abused me like that and my mother called me “sensitive” about it I would never want to speak with her again either. I would be on a path to healing and lopping off all the childhood trauma and toxicity. Luckily, I don’t have this situation.

Your only option is to recognize the past is over and fix the future. Your kids don’t have to get along. Sad but you caused that. Maybe someday they can each heal and realize they have things in common, but you are certainly not going to be the catalyst that makes that happen.

NEGLECTED DAUGHTER

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I’m sorry for your kids that you enabled any one of them to be a bully. Parenting kids is so much more than housing, clothing and feeding them. Education begins at home and education in character is the most important obligation of a parent. The interaction between siblings is fertile ground for this education and guidance. As the daughter of parents who allowed and even encouraged my elder sibling to bully me physically and emotionally for my entire childhood and young adulthood until I estranged myself from all three of them at 30, I have no judgment for your daughter. You are lucky she still has a relationship with you. If you want to keep it, you need to STFU about her estrangement from her brother. You let this happen and it is way too late now for you to try to play the fixer. The only thing you should do is apologize to both your kids for failing them as a parent.

Maybe so but my son is the victim, my daughter the bully I may have created. Was busy with another son (not the one in the story) who had major behavior problems and so let the daughter off too easily. Now she is a narcissist with much anxiety who is codepandant on us but sasses us like a kid.

You were so preoccupied with your older kids with issues. Are you sure you didn't neglect rather than spoil her? Did you give her any attention?

Anonymous wrote:5 kids what a disaster

Seriously. Op sounds like an awful parent who had no business having this many kids. It seems her daughter has acted out because OP basically ignored her for her other two kids with significant needs.

It's healthiest for them to severe ties and to stay estranged. If you want to maintain a relationship with both of them you need to accept this and embrace it. Make plans with them separately and let them both know you're making sure there will be no overlap, they will both appreciate your effort and understanding.

5 kids what a disaster

No child of mine would ever have been “bullied without mercy.” What the HELL were you doing allowing that?

Why don't you invite him for Christmas next year and tell your daughter to come Christmas eve instead?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why was your daughter allowed to bully your son? You write as if she did it for years. Is that true?

Because she is entitled and spoiled. Also, I did not realize it was hurting our son until this happened 4 years ago. Now I lay into her about it and just remind him to avoid her when he can. He is skipping Christmas and my sister is having him over instead. I feel so sad for him that he doesn't want to be with us.

Sounds like you feel guilty for him not wanting to be with you. He's likely fine with this choice, he made it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your son attacked your daughter at 37, this was not the first time he physically attacked her, it's just the first time you witnessed it. I mean he's 11 years older than her, I'm not saying she's innocent in all this, but when did all this bullying start? You have a very clear bias for your son and your daughter has grown up seeing that. If you have 5 kids and he took a lot of your time and energy, did she ever have you in her corner?

Trust me, it was a first. This is why she was so startled by it. Last time he got angry he was a high school Junior 20 years earlier and it was at school, not her. He hit me once when he was eleven but that was the most of any anger we ever saw and that was a normal kid temper tantrum (he was punished there).

OP, the idea that this is even in your DS's arsenal SHOULD matter to you. Help him!