Anonymous
05/12/2023 12:52
Subject: Re:MIL is asking for money...
OP, these situations become more complicated when there are siblings. If the other siblings have contributed, then it doesn't seem like your DH can refuse this first request, though that doesn't mean it is unconditional.
lol yes you can. Just because your siblings are enabling mom to waste money doesn’t mean you have to. If your siblings don’t like it, let them seethe.
Anonymous
05/12/2023 11:12
Subject: MIL is asking for money...
Anonymous wrote:$72K isn't a lot of money. She isn't drinking moet, driving a BMW, and buying rolexes. But of course she could trim her budget. Depending on your income and expenses, I would be grateful you aren't paying 10K a month for assisted living or some such and giver her the 10K and expect to give her $1-2K a month in the future. She's your husband's mother (and maybe your kids grandmother).
Spoken like a rich person.
I've raised a family of 5 on that amount. It's plenty of money. The real world can't afford 1-2k a month on inlaws.
Anonymous
05/12/2023 11:07
Subject: Re:MIL is asking for money...
Anonymous wrote:I've had two parents (mother and FIL) crash and burn financially. They were both extremely stubborn and reacted with violent indignation when we suggested any change in their lifestyle or inquired about their finances. On the plus side, they were not asking us for money.
I strongly advise your DH and his brothers to have a financial "come to Jesus" meeting with their mom. No more money unless and until she agrees. Then you look at her resources and her expenditures, and do the math. How many months until she is bankrupt? How long can she postpone that by reducing spending? She will resist but you gotta be tough.
We learned after the fact that both my mom and FIL were being ripped off by their caregivers. We were definitely kicking ourselves for not intervening and finding that out. This may or may not be occurring in your MIL case. My mom was also subscribed to all kinds of stupid sh*t (investment newsletters and such) that totaled $300 to $500 a month, it was crazy.
How were they being ripped off by caregivers?
Anonymous
05/12/2023 11:04
Subject: Re:MIL is asking for money...
OP, these situations become more complicated when there are siblings. If the other siblings have contributed, then it doesn't seem like your DH can refuse this first request, though that doesn't mean it is unconditional.
Ideally, your DH and the other siblings would gather together and discuss. Ideally, they would come to the conversation with an open mind and hear each other. Ideally, they come together with one plan that reflects the abilities of each sibling as well as a change in their mother's habits. It may take tough love for her to recognize she has hit the end of the line.
Our HHI is much, much higher than the rest of my siblings. We would jointly discuss our parents' situation and often I would be the one to cover the expenses. Fortunately, I have a DH who never begrudged that. What's different is that my parents were never spendthrifts so DH understood that if money was needed, it was not due to their being wastrels.
Good luck!
Ideally, your DH and the other siblings would gather together and discuss. Ideally, they would come to the conversation with an open mind and hear each other. Ideally, they come together with one plan that reflects the abilities of each sibling as well as a change in their mother's habits. It may take tough love for her to recognize she has hit the end of the line.
Our HHI is much, much higher than the rest of my siblings. We would jointly discuss our parents' situation and often I would be the one to cover the expenses. Fortunately, I have a DH who never begrudged that. What's different is that my parents were never spendthrifts so DH understood that if money was needed, it was not due to their being wastrels.
Good luck!
Anonymous
05/12/2023 09:59
Subject: MIL is asking for money...
Not being firm = not wanting Mommy mad at you.
It's natural. Everyone wants their parent's love. But it's cowardly.
It's natural. Everyone wants their parent's love. But it's cowardly.
Anonymous
05/11/2023 22:48
Subject: MIL is asking for money...
Your dh needs to look at her finances. She’s borrowing money and probably stressed. She may fight it but in the end be relieved to have someone double check things. It might be much better or much worse than you think.
Anonymous
05/11/2023 18:50
Subject: MIL is asking for money...
A failure to plan is a plan to fail. Unless you are uber wealthy, sit her down, make her a budget, and make her stick to it. Explain that you will not jeopardize your retirement or limit your children's college choices due to her bad planning.
Anonymous
05/11/2023 17:42
Subject: MIL is asking for money...
$72K isn't a lot of money. She isn't drinking moet, driving a BMW, and buying rolexes. But of course she could trim her budget. Depending on your income and expenses, I would be grateful you aren't paying 10K a month for assisted living or some such and giver her the 10K and expect to give her $1-2K a month in the future. She's your husband's mother (and maybe your kids grandmother).
Anonymous
05/11/2023 16:23
Subject: MIL is asking for money...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I am a senior living on about 32K with about 30K in the bank, that's it. I'm doing fine and don't expect to ever ask my adult kids for money. If I need money I'll figure something else out. I have a perfectly nice life too, by the way.
If I were your husband I would not give her money at all, I would help her understand how finances work but that's it. Tough love.
If I were you I would disengage and expect him to handle it.
Well I am already telling my 13 yo DS that yes, he will be expected to help me out when he grows up and gets a job. I think it’s fair. If he ever has a wife she should get used to it.
What a horrible mother you are. You know this will cause problems for your kids marriage but it's all about you.
Chances are her son will go to one of two extremes and either recognize either recognize how manipulative and narcissistic his mother is and cut ties or become enmeshed in the toxicity, fail to launch and remain financially dependent. Either way hope the pp has a financial backup plan.
Looks like you know life really well, especially outside of your bubble!
Anonymous
05/11/2023 16:21
Subject: MIL is asking for money...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
Your husband should do what my friend does with her older and irresponsible sister and her enabling sibling:
1. Pay specific bills you are OK with paying, like medical bills, water, electricity or groceries. Not the cable or anything you want her to drop or reduce.
2. Tell the siblings that you refuse to fund a ridiculous lifestyle when you need to save for your own family. They can do what they want, but you're not going to send a blank check for frivolous spending.
It's a win-win, because that way your husband still helps his mother; but he gets to help only on the critical stuff without enabling her; and he preserves his wealth for his own nuclear family.
Otherwise she's going to bleed you all dry, and live to a 110.
If he pays the important bills that will leave her with her income to buy the other stupid stuff. Doesn't seem like such a good idea to me. It is enabling her.
This money should be saved for op's kids. I'm disgusted by an adult stealing from children.
Most American kids have more than enough already. It’s more than fair to set a certain monthly amount aside to help the parent.
Not saying it should be large or that this lady is a great spender, but in general
BS. Tell us more about yourself.
What do you want to know?
Your kids don’t need a large house. They do need money for college I won’t argue with that.
Tell us how you've mismanaged your life so you expect your kids to take money away from their children to support you.
Well how about… I was born in a developing country. I was well educated but only managed to permanently relocate to the US when I was 36. I had no employment authorization until I was around 42. Then I got a job but also my ex left me. Then I was laid off and never got back to my initial level of pay though I do have another job.
I am giving my son as much as I can but i don’t think I will be able to finance both his college and my retirement. I do hope to have SS payments for retirement as well as probably some benefits. His college comes first however.
So yes I expect him to help me out.
I don’t see a good reason why the PP with 30k of income doesn’t expect any help. I am pretty sure it’s not like she screwed up her life to be where she is now.
I hope this satisfies your curiosity.
I don’t know what the story of OP’s MIL is. I am just saying one should be ready that their spouse will help out his or her parents.
Anonymous
05/11/2023 16:20
Subject: Re:MIL is asking for money...
Anonymous wrote:I've had two parents (mother and FIL) crash and burn financially. They were both extremely stubborn and reacted with violent indignation when we suggested any change in their lifestyle or inquired about their finances. On the plus side, they were not asking us for money.
I strongly advise your DH and his brothers to have a financial "come to Jesus" meeting with their mom. No more money unless and until she agrees. Then you look at her resources and her expenditures, and do the math. How many months until she is bankrupt? How long can she postpone that by reducing spending? She will resist but you gotta be tough.
We learned after the fact that both my mom and FIL were being ripped off by their caregivers. We were definitely kicking ourselves for not intervening and finding that out. This may or may not be occurring in your MIL case. My mom was also subscribed to all kinds of stupid sh*t (investment newsletters and such) that totaled $300 to $500 a month, it was crazy.
I commented up thread, but this is a good idea. We would definitely not give her a dime until we had a chance to review her monetary situation in detail. You have leverage right now. As soon as that $10k lands in her bank account, you have 0 leverage until the next time she asks. Put some strings on it!
Anonymous
05/11/2023 16:18
Subject: Re:MIL is asking for money...
I've had two parents (mother and FIL) crash and burn financially. They were both extremely stubborn and reacted with violent indignation when we suggested any change in their lifestyle or inquired about their finances. On the plus side, they were not asking us for money.
I strongly advise your DH and his brothers to have a financial "come to Jesus" meeting with their mom. No more money unless and until she agrees. Then you look at her resources and her expenditures, and do the math. How many months until she is bankrupt? How long can she postpone that by reducing spending? She will resist but you gotta be tough.
We learned after the fact that both my mom and FIL were being ripped off by their caregivers. We were definitely kicking ourselves for not intervening and finding that out. This may or may not be occurring in your MIL case. My mom was also subscribed to all kinds of stupid sh*t (investment newsletters and such) that totaled $300 to $500 a month, it was crazy.
I strongly advise your DH and his brothers to have a financial "come to Jesus" meeting with their mom. No more money unless and until she agrees. Then you look at her resources and her expenditures, and do the math. How many months until she is bankrupt? How long can she postpone that by reducing spending? She will resist but you gotta be tough.
We learned after the fact that both my mom and FIL were being ripped off by their caregivers. We were definitely kicking ourselves for not intervening and finding that out. This may or may not be occurring in your MIL case. My mom was also subscribed to all kinds of stupid sh*t (investment newsletters and such) that totaled $300 to $500 a month, it was crazy.
Anonymous
05/11/2023 16:13
Subject: MIL is asking for money...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I am a senior living on about 32K with about 30K in the bank, that's it. I'm doing fine and don't expect to ever ask my adult kids for money. If I need money I'll figure something else out. I have a perfectly nice life too, by the way.
If I were your husband I would not give her money at all, I would help her understand how finances work but that's it. Tough love.
If I were you I would disengage and expect him to handle it.
Well I am already telling my 13 yo DS that yes, he will be expected to help me out when he grows up and gets a job. I think it’s fair. If he ever has a wife she should get used to it.
What a horrible mother you are. You know this will cause problems for your kids marriage but it's all about you.
Chances are her son will go to one of two extremes and either recognize either recognize how manipulative and narcissistic his mother is and cut ties or become enmeshed in the toxicity, fail to launch and remain financially dependent. Either way hope the pp has a financial backup plan.
Anonymous
05/11/2023 16:02
Subject: MIL is asking for money...
Anonymous wrote:I am a senior living on about 32K with about 30K in the bank, that's it. I'm doing fine and don't expect to ever ask my adult kids for money. If I need money I'll figure something else out. I have a perfectly nice life too, by the way.
If I were your husband I would not give her money at all, I would help her understand how finances work but that's it. Tough love.
If I were you I would disengage and expect him to handle it.
You’re describing my father. He has a little more in cash than you, but otherwise, he says he feels rich and is constantly offering me money for my family. We outearn him by multiples so he knows we’ve got his back if he ever needed it.
Anonymous
05/11/2023 15:58
Subject: MIL is asking for money...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
Your husband should do what my friend does with her older and irresponsible sister and her enabling sibling:
1. Pay specific bills you are OK with paying, like medical bills, water, electricity or groceries. Not the cable or anything you want her to drop or reduce.
2. Tell the siblings that you refuse to fund a ridiculous lifestyle when you need to save for your own family. They can do what they want, but you're not going to send a blank check for frivolous spending.
It's a win-win, because that way your husband still helps his mother; but he gets to help only on the critical stuff without enabling her; and he preserves his wealth for his own nuclear family.
Otherwise she's going to bleed you all dry, and live to a 110.
If he pays the important bills that will leave her with her income to buy the other stupid stuff. Doesn't seem like such a good idea to me. It is enabling her.
This money should be saved for op's kids. I'm disgusted by an adult stealing from children.
Most American kids have more than enough already. It’s more than fair to set a certain monthly amount aside to help the parent.
Not saying it should be large or that this lady is a great spender, but in general
BS. Tell us more about yourself.
What do you want to know?
Your kids don’t need a large house. They do need money for college I won’t argue with that.
Tell us how you've mismanaged your life so you expect your kids to take money away from their children to support you.