Anonymous wrote:OP, how do you suggest I handle my own mom who wants the day all about her?

Tell her that you're tired from active parenting and you're taking the day for herself. Tell her flowers will be arriving, or chocolates or whatever, and she hopes you enjoy them.

She is an adult. Adults can manage their own feelings and disappointments. It's not your job to do anything but acknowledge her in some way. Then, you enjoy the day that you want.

Anonymous wrote:OP, how do you suggest I handle my own mom who wants the day all about her?

Not OP, but what do you want to do?

I grew up in a family that didn't observe Mother's Day much and married a guy whose mother believes too much is not enough. I don't mind being ignored on Mother's Day, but it's still a weekend day and my only chance for down time, so while I'm willing to do something for her (brunch/cards/present), I'm not going to give over an entire day attending to her.

I'm pretty sure if we did give her an entire day, she's start wanting an entire weekend. So it's just a question deciding when we say, "No, sorry, we won't be available for that"

OP, how do you suggest I handle my own mom who wants the day all about her?

Anonymous wrote:1) Discuss plans with your spouse/children/other family members and make the plans you want
2) Cancel or adjust plans you don’t want to go through with
3) Ask your children and/or your spouse for a specific gift or experience
4) Tell your spouse what you will not be doing, so it’s clear that you are not buying gifts or making plans for someone else
5) Plan exactly the day you want and inform people what you are doing

There’s still time. No excuses, no whining.

I’ve just given up. No expectations and no orchestrations. Just another Sunday.

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Anonymous wrote:Are you forgetting how much conflict comes from different generations of mothers within the same family having opposing wishes for how to spend the day? What is your practical advice for a husband whose mom wants to spend the whole day visiting with all of her children and grandchildren and have dinner at home, while his wife wants to sleep in, have an outing with her kids, and then go out to dinner?

The mother who is currently actively mothering gets priority.

In your opinion — but the fact is that there will be numerous posts from women whose husbands did something thoughtful for their own mothers, but nothing for the mother of their children.

As they should. I’m not my husband’s mother. He should do something nice for his mother or at least call her. I always heard a lot about how we didn’t do enough for my mom on Mother’s Day or appreciate her enough. So early on, I made it a carefree easy day. We get take out and there are no expectations. I don’t need to be waited on like a queen.

Here's what I do. (My mother has been gone many years.) In the week or so leading up to Mother's Day, I quietly schedule myself a nail appt and order some new summer clothes and maybe a new pair of shoes. I graciously agree to whatever plans my inlaws demand for Mother's Day.

DH ends the day thinking how amazing and understanding and fantastic I am, and how rigid and difficult and ridiculous his mother is. There is usually some gratitude in the bedroom as well. Then the weekend after I make a nice dinner reservation somewhere I like to go without saying why I did it. We go and enjoy a nice meal without all the Mother's Day pressure.

I've done this many years now and it works great.

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Anonymous wrote:Are you forgetting how much conflict comes from different generations of mothers within the same family having opposing wishes for how to spend the day? What is your practical advice for a husband whose mom wants to spend the whole day visiting with all of her children and grandchildren and have dinner at home, while his wife wants to sleep in, have an outing with her kids, and then go out to dinner?

Simple: since Mother’s Day is a made-up holiday anyway, celebrate your wife on the actual day of, and take your kids to see your mom either the day before or the weekend before. And if your mom grumbles, oh well. Adults can deal with the occasional disappointment, and your strongest duty is to the mother of your children, who is still in the thick of active, daily parenting.

Every holiday is made-up.

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Anonymous wrote:Are you forgetting how much conflict comes from different generations of mothers within the same family having opposing wishes for how to spend the day? What is your practical advice for a husband whose mom wants to spend the whole day visiting with all of her children and grandchildren and have dinner at home, while his wife wants to sleep in, have an outing with her kids, and then go out to dinner?

The mother who is currently actively mothering gets priority.

In your opinion — but the fact is that there will be numerous posts from women whose husbands did something thoughtful for their own mothers, but nothing for the mother of their children.

NP. Yes, that’s why this post makes the point that there is still time to sit down with your spouse and have a conversation about how you want the day to go.

Yes, because no one ever posts here that they told their husband exactly what they wanted and he didn’t do it.

My point is simply that there will be complaints. You can’t solve this problem by telling people what to do 3 weeks in advance and saying “no excuses, no whining.”

90% percent of the whining is for stuff that was 100% preventable with some planning and communication. Especially the total woe-is-me types who expect people to read their minds and are like “even some take-out would have been nice.” Like hand him a menu and a phone.

You’re missing the whole point. The moms who say “even some take-out would have been nice,” aren’t saying that they wanted someone to make the phone call to place a takeout order for them; they’re saying that while they didn’t need their families to do anything elaborate or time consuming to make them feel loved and appreciated, they’re disappointed that their spouses did literally nothing out of the ordinary, made no effort, took no initiative, showed no interest in celebrating them. That’s still true if you make your husband make a phone call so you don’t have to make dinner.

If you take the initiative one year and open your mouth and use your words, maybe the next year and subsequent years will be different. You will at least have voiced your desires, and that is important. It’s important both for you to say and for your spouse and kids to hear. If you ask for it one year and have a good day and say how nice it was, I pretty much guarantee the next year at least one spouse or kids will remember and will think let’s do that again.

What chutzpah! What naïveté.

Oh, I guess other people’s lived experiences count for nothing? Because this is what I saw my mom do: she finally told my dad she wanted the day to be about her, not some communal celebration with her mom and his mom. And…that’s what happened that year and all years going forward. But hey, whatever doesn’t work for you, keep doing that.

I will have a great Mother’s Day, like I always do. Like my mom before me, I let my husband know that my favorite thing is a handmade card from each kid and that I would like to see my mom. And I’ll get that and have a great day. Yes I communicate but I’m also lucky. But honestly I know women whose husbands will completely forget the day and run out with the kid mid day to grab some flowers. I feel like you made this thread so you can be like “this is YOUR FAULT I TOLD YOU” to anyone who is disappointed on Mother’s Day. I can’t imagine why you else you would end with your rude no excuses closing comment.

So? Do the DHs not have any other redeeming qualities? Are these DWs so fragile that they are all broken up for it? Why are they with these men then? Divorce them. Or better still, don't procreate with them. Sheesh!

These DHs won't feel bad if you did not celebrate the made-up holiday of Father's Day! Idiots!

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Anonymous wrote:No op your post it nuts. Mother's begging for mother's day gifts this is just so pathetic and thirsty.

OP here. When did I say all mothers had to “beg”? (The plural of mothers, by the way is “mothers,” and not “mother’s”—that’s the possessive.)

What I am saying is that, time and again, DCUM turns into a major whinefest every year right before and right after Mother’s Day. So, instead of whining, use your words and talk to your spouse and to your kids about what you want and what you do not want, if it is important to you.

Agreed! Good plan.

- Not OP. I am loving OP's idea though.

Anonymous wrote:1) Discuss plans with your spouse/children/other family members and make the plans you want
2) Cancel or adjust plans you don’t want to go through with
3) Ask your children and/or your spouse for a specific gift or experience
4) Tell your spouse what you will not be doing, so it’s clear that you are not buying gifts or making plans for someone else
5) Plan exactly the day you want and inform people what you are doing

There’s still time. No excuses, no whining.

I LOVE this. And I have been doing this for 26 years. Also, I love communal parties. The more, the merrier!!

My DH will cook a brunch for our family, SILs extended family.

For all the moms in our family.

We pick our own gifts or cash!

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Anonymous wrote:Are you forgetting how much conflict comes from different generations of mothers within the same family having opposing wishes for how to spend the day? What is your practical advice for a husband whose mom wants to spend the whole day visiting with all of her children and grandchildren and have dinner at home, while his wife wants to sleep in, have an outing with her kids, and then go out to dinner?

The mother who is currently actively mothering gets priority.

In your opinion — but the fact is that there will be numerous posts from women whose husbands did something thoughtful for their own mothers, but nothing for the mother of their children.

NP. Yes, that’s why this post makes the point that there is still time to sit down with your spouse and have a conversation about how you want the day to go.

Yes, because no one ever posts here that they told their husband exactly what they wanted and he didn’t do it.

My point is simply that there will be complaints. You can’t solve this problem by telling people what to do 3 weeks in advance and saying “no excuses, no whining.”

90% percent of the whining is for stuff that was 100% preventable with some planning and communication. Especially the total woe-is-me types who expect people to read their minds and are like “even some take-out would have been nice.” Like hand him a menu and a phone.

You’re missing the whole point. The moms who say “even some take-out would have been nice,” aren’t saying that they wanted someone to make the phone call to place a takeout order for them; they’re saying that while they didn’t need their families to do anything elaborate or time consuming to make them feel loved and appreciated, they’re disappointed that their spouses did literally nothing out of the ordinary, made no effort, took no initiative, showed no interest in celebrating them. That’s still true if you make your husband make a phone call so you don’t have to make dinner.

If you take the initiative one year and open your mouth and use your words, maybe the next year and subsequent years will be different. You will at least have voiced your desires, and that is important. It’s important both for you to say and for your spouse and kids to hear. If you ask for it one year and have a good day and say how nice it was, I pretty much guarantee the next year at least one spouse or kids will remember and will think let’s do that again.

What chutzpah! What naïveté.

Oh, I guess other people’s lived experiences count for nothing? Because this is what I saw my mom do: she finally told my dad she wanted the day to be about her, not some communal celebration with her mom and his mom. And…that’s what happened that year and all years going forward. But hey, whatever doesn’t work for you, keep doing that.

I will have a great Mother’s Day, like I always do. Like my mom before me, I let my husband know that my favorite thing is a handmade card from each kid and that I would like to see my mom. And I’ll get that and have a great day. Yes I communicate but I’m also lucky. But honestly I know women whose husbands will completely forget the day and run out with the kid mid day to grab some flowers. I feel like you made this thread so you can be like “this is YOUR FAULT I TOLD YOU” to anyone who is disappointed on Mother’s Day. I can’t imagine why you else you would end with your rude no excuses closing comment.

NP here. Your bar is very low and then you claim victory! LOL!!
Its like when the district public schools pass all kids and claim that "achievement gap" has been filled!

Anonymous wrote:NO. OP this post is demanding and obnoxious! "There’s still time. No excuses, no whining." GET OUT OF HERE!

Furthermore it's offensive to assume all of this. Not all of us have a mother, a live mother, a mothers worth celebrating.

OP means that if you are a married woman who is a mother, and expects that your DH will give you a perfect Mother's Day on behalf of your children...then get off your lazy, whiny ass and make it happen. Don't be a pathetic victim and whine here. She gave a good plan so follow it!

Your mother being dead, diseased, married nth time, gambling, missing, absconding, incarcerated, drunk, trafficking, abusive is not what is being discussed here.

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Anonymous wrote:Are you forgetting how much conflict comes from different generations of mothers within the same family having opposing wishes for how to spend the day? What is your practical advice for a husband whose mom wants to spend the whole day visiting with all of her children and grandchildren and have dinner at home, while his wife wants to sleep in, have an outing with her kids, and then go out to dinner?

The mother who is currently actively mothering gets priority.

In your opinion — but the fact is that there will be numerous posts from women whose husbands did something thoughtful for their own mothers, but nothing for the mother of their children.

NP. Yes, that’s why this post makes the point that there is still time to sit down with your spouse and have a conversation about how you want the day to go.

Yes, because no one ever posts here that they told their husband exactly what they wanted and he didn’t do it.

My point is simply that there will be complaints. You can’t solve this problem by telling people what to do 3 weeks in advance and saying “no excuses, no whining.”

90% percent of the whining is for stuff that was 100% preventable with some planning and communication. Especially the total woe-is-me types who expect people to read their minds and are like “even some take-out would have been nice.” Like hand him a menu and a phone.

You’re missing the whole point. The moms who say “even some take-out would have been nice,” aren’t saying that they wanted someone to make the phone call to place a takeout order for them; they’re saying that while they didn’t need their families to do anything elaborate or time consuming to make them feel loved and appreciated, they’re disappointed that their spouses did literally nothing out of the ordinary, made no effort, took no initiative, showed no interest in celebrating them. That’s still true if you make your husband make a phone call so you don’t have to make dinner.

If you take the initiative one year and open your mouth and use your words, maybe the next year and subsequent years will be different. You will at least have voiced your desires, and that is important. It’s important both for you to say and for your spouse and kids to hear. If you ask for it one year and have a good day and say how nice it was, I pretty much guarantee the next year at least one spouse or kids will remember and will think let’s do that again.

What chutzpah! What naïveté.

Oh, I guess other people’s lived experiences count for nothing? Because this is what I saw my mom do: she finally told my dad she wanted the day to be about her, not some communal celebration with her mom and his mom. And…that’s what happened that year and all years going forward. But hey, whatever doesn’t work for you, keep doing that.

I will have a great Mother’s Day, like I always do. Like my mom before me, I let my husband know that my favorite thing is a handmade card from each kid and that I would like to see my mom. And I’ll get that and have a great day. Yes I communicate but I’m also lucky. But honestly I know women whose husbands will completely forget the day and run out with the kid mid day to grab some flowers. I feel like you made this thread so you can be like “this is YOUR FAULT I TOLD YOU” to anyone who is disappointed on Mother’s Day. I can’t imagine why you else you would end with your rude no excuses closing comment.

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Anonymous wrote:Are you forgetting how much conflict comes from different generations of mothers within the same family having opposing wishes for how to spend the day? What is your practical advice for a husband whose mom wants to spend the whole day visiting with all of her children and grandchildren and have dinner at home, while his wife wants to sleep in, have an outing with her kids, and then go out to dinner?

The mother who is currently actively mothering gets priority.

In your opinion — but the fact is that there will be numerous posts from women whose husbands did something thoughtful for their own mothers, but nothing for the mother of their children.

NP. Yes, that’s why this post makes the point that there is still time to sit down with your spouse and have a conversation about how you want the day to go.

Yes, because no one ever posts here that they told their husband exactly what they wanted and he didn’t do it.

My point is simply that there will be complaints. You can’t solve this problem by telling people what to do 3 weeks in advance and saying “no excuses, no whining.”

90% percent of the whining is for stuff that was 100% preventable with some planning and communication. Especially the total woe-is-me types who expect people to read their minds and are like “even some take-out would have been nice.” Like hand him a menu and a phone.

You’re missing the whole point. The moms who say “even some take-out would have been nice,” aren’t saying that they wanted someone to make the phone call to place a takeout order for them; they’re saying that while they didn’t need their families to do anything elaborate or time consuming to make them feel loved and appreciated, they’re disappointed that their spouses did literally nothing out of the ordinary, made no effort, took no initiative, showed no interest in celebrating them. That’s still true if you make your husband make a phone call so you don’t have to make dinner.

If you take the initiative one year and open your mouth and use your words, maybe the next year and subsequent years will be different. You will at least have voiced your desires, and that is important. It’s important both for you to say and for your spouse and kids to hear. If you ask for it one year and have a good day and say how nice it was, I pretty much guarantee the next year at least one spouse or kids will remember and will think let’s do that again.

What chutzpah! What naïveté.

Oh, I guess other people’s lived experiences count for nothing? Because this is what I saw my mom do: she finally told my dad she wanted the day to be about her, not some communal celebration with her mom and his mom. And…that’s what happened that year and all years going forward. But hey, whatever doesn’t work for you, keep doing that.

+1 This worked for me, too.