Anonymous
Post 04/22/2023 00:30     Subject: How much of your daily life revolves around your kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:At this point with 3 young kids (3, 6 and 8) I feel like every minute of the day revolves around my kids, their activities and their schedules. I work full time and kids are at daycare/school but I am constantly arranging my schedule to make sure I can drop them off in time for the bus, pick them up from the bus, feed them, do homework, get them ready for sports/activities, etc.

I know this is normal for their ages but at what point does your life become yours again? To be fair, DH and I plan date nights, have time to ourselves when we can fit it in and try to go away by ourselves at least once every year or every other year for at least a long weekend, if not for a week. But when we are in our normal every day lives I would say 90% of our time revolves around our kids and their needs.


If you are wondering this, you probably shouldn't have had kids.


Wrong. Parents should have full, enriching adult lives outside their children no matter the age of the child.

But they probably shouldn't have had that many children.


I only had one kid and I sometimes struggle to have a "full, enriching adult life" outside of my kid. I mean, I do work at it -- I read, have hobbies, work full time, and maintain friendships that are totally separate from being a mom (not just mom friends). But parenting is still my main priority, followed by work, and everything else fits into the maaaaaybe 10% that's left over?

The fullness and richest part of my life comes from parenting. I am very glad to have the balance of other things, but I derive the most satisfaction and joy from parenting, even though it is also draining and burdensome at times. This idea that I would have a whole "other" life outside my kid that would be independently enriching? I just don't think it's realistic. As I've heard said: you can have it all, but you can't have it all at once.


I'm the "full, enriching life" PP and I guess I just view things differently. (I have an only child as well, FWIW). The most enriching part of my life is my marriage, not parenthood. I am still in the slog, young-kid years, to be fair, but I would not say parenting is the most enriching part of my life. I love my child deeply and enjoy spending time with her, but it's important to me personally ot have a lot of alone time both with and without my spouse, hobbies, friendships, travel, and a fulfilling career on top of that.


Pp, I am just curious about the logistics of all this alone time you spend, plus a fulfilling career (do you work full time? How much PTO do you get?), do you do you outsource cooking, cleaning m, errands, driving kid, birthdays, and all that stuff? cause no matter how much I twist it and turn it, after spending 40 hours + at work, house and kid stuff, there is so little time I have for “me”. I am not asking about how you feel or what you find enriching, but the logistics of it all. How much time do you spend alone per week? How much travel you do alone?


I work full-time, but in a relatively good work-life balance job -- kind of seasonal, so there are big lulls but also heavy weeks sometimes. Not as much WFH as I would like, but some. 4 weeks vacation but I rarely take all of it (I like to save some to roll over). I don't outsource anything except daycare and date night babysitting. I do the bare minimum in terms of playdates, birthday parties, activities - we spend a lot of time hanging out at playgrounds - I think that is the big timesuck for a lot of parents, getting too involved with organized stuff at too young an age. We have a small, easy to maintain house and I don't give a **** about how it looks most of the time. I travel both with kid and without. Not that much solo travel but occasional. I wake up VERY early so some of my me time/spouse couple time is in the morning. I am very strict about kid sleep and will enforce an early bedtime as long as I can.
Anonymous
Post 04/22/2023 00:24     Subject: How much of your daily life revolves around your kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:At this point with 3 young kids (3, 6 and 8) I feel like every minute of the day revolves around my kids, their activities and their schedules. I work full time and kids are at daycare/school but I am constantly arranging my schedule to make sure I can drop them off in time for the bus, pick them up from the bus, feed them, do homework, get them ready for sports/activities, etc.

I know this is normal for their ages but at what point does your life become yours again? To be fair, DH and I plan date nights, have time to ourselves when we can fit it in and try to go away by ourselves at least once every year or every other year for at least a long weekend, if not for a week. But when we are in our normal every day lives I would say 90% of our time revolves around our kids and their needs.


If you are wondering this, you probably shouldn't have had kids.


Wrong. Parents should have full, enriching adult lives outside their children no matter the age of the child.

But they probably shouldn't have had that many children.


I only had one kid and I sometimes struggle to have a "full, enriching adult life" outside of my kid. I mean, I do work at it -- I read, have hobbies, work full time, and maintain friendships that are totally separate from being a mom (not just mom friends). But parenting is still my main priority, followed by work, and everything else fits into the maaaaaybe 10% that's left over?

The fullness and richest part of my life comes from parenting. I am very glad to have the balance of other things, but I derive the most satisfaction and joy from parenting, even though it is also draining and burdensome at times. This idea that I would have a whole "other" life outside my kid that would be independently enriching? I just don't think it's realistic. As I've heard said: you can have it all, but you can't have it all at once.


I'm the "full, enriching life" PP and I guess I just view things differently. (I have an only child as well, FWIW). The most enriching part of my life is my marriage, not parenthood. I am still in the slog, young-kid years, to be fair, but I would not say parenting is the most enriching part of my life. I love my child deeply and enjoy spending time with her, but it's important to me personally ot have a lot of alone time both with and without my spouse, hobbies, friendships, travel, and a fulfilling career on top of that.


Pp, I am just curious about the logistics of all this alone time you spend, plus a fulfilling career (do you work full time? How much PTO do you get?), do you do you outsource cooking, cleaning m, errands, driving kid, birthdays, and all that stuff? cause no matter how much I twist it and turn it, after spending 40 hours + at work, house and kid stuff, there is so little time I have for “me”. I am not asking about how you feel or what you find enriching, but the logistics of it all. How much time do you spend alone per week? How much travel you do alone?
Anonymous
Post 04/22/2023 00:07     Subject: How much of your daily life revolves around your kids?
Anonymous wrote:It gets worse when they get older. They make their own plans, but you constantly have to drive them.


One of the advantages of living in the city is that teens can take metro/buses/bike themselves to get to wear they are going. My 13 year old goes around the city by himself to see friends/go to sports practice this way.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2023 23:36     Subject: How much of your daily life revolves around your kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:At this point with 3 young kids (3, 6 and 8) I feel like every minute of the day revolves around my kids, their activities and their schedules. I work full time and kids are at daycare/school but I am constantly arranging my schedule to make sure I can drop them off in time for the bus, pick them up from the bus, feed them, do homework, get them ready for sports/activities, etc.

I know this is normal for their ages but at what point does your life become yours again? To be fair, DH and I plan date nights, have time to ourselves when we can fit it in and try to go away by ourselves at least once every year or every other year for at least a long weekend, if not for a week. But when we are in our normal every day lives I would say 90% of our time revolves around our kids and their needs.


If you are wondering this, you probably shouldn't have had kids.


Wrong. Parents should have full, enriching adult lives outside their children no matter the age of the child.

But they probably shouldn't have had that many children.


I only had one kid and I sometimes struggle to have a "full, enriching adult life" outside of my kid. I mean, I do work at it -- I read, have hobbies, work full time, and maintain friendships that are totally separate from being a mom (not just mom friends). But parenting is still my main priority, followed by work, and everything else fits into the maaaaaybe 10% that's left over?

The fullness and richest part of my life comes from parenting. I am very glad to have the balance of other things, but I derive the most satisfaction and joy from parenting, even though it is also draining and burdensome at times. This idea that I would have a whole "other" life outside my kid that would be independently enriching? I just don't think it's realistic. As I've heard said: you can have it all, but you can't have it all at once.


I'm the "full, enriching life" PP and I guess I just view things differently. (I have an only child as well, FWIW). The most enriching part of my life is my marriage, not parenthood. I am still in the slog, young-kid years, to be fair, but I would not say parenting is the most enriching part of my life. I love my child deeply and enjoy spending time with her, but it's important to me personally ot have a lot of alone time both with and without my spouse, hobbies, friendships, travel, and a fulfilling career on top of that.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2023 23:16     Subject: How much of your daily life revolves around your kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:At this point with 3 young kids (3, 6 and 8) I feel like every minute of the day revolves around my kids, their activities and their schedules. I work full time and kids are at daycare/school but I am constantly arranging my schedule to make sure I can drop them off in time for the bus, pick them up from the bus, feed them, do homework, get them ready for sports/activities, etc.

I know this is normal for their ages but at what point does your life become yours again? To be fair, DH and I plan date nights, have time to ourselves when we can fit it in and try to go away by ourselves at least once every year or every other year for at least a long weekend, if not for a week. But when we are in our normal every day lives I would say 90% of our time revolves around our kids and their needs.


If you are wondering this, you probably shouldn't have had kids.


Wrong. Parents should have full, enriching adult lives outside their children no matter the age of the child.

But they probably shouldn't have had that many children.


I only had one kid and I sometimes struggle to have a "full, enriching adult life" outside of my kid. I mean, I do work at it -- I read, have hobbies, work full time, and maintain friendships that are totally separate from being a mom (not just mom friends). But parenting is still my main priority, followed by work, and everything else fits into the maaaaaybe 10% that's left over?

The fullness and richest part of my life comes from parenting. I am very glad to have the balance of other things, but I derive the most satisfaction and joy from parenting, even though it is also draining and burdensome at times. This idea that I would have a whole "other" life outside my kid that would be independently enriching? I just don't think it's realistic. As I've heard said: you can have it all, but you can't have it all at once.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2023 23:12     Subject: Re:How much of your daily life revolves around your kids?
Anonymous wrote:My kids are younger, and as others here have pointed out, apparently it gets worse as they age. I also only have two, though we're planning a third, so maybe it's the third that will make this untenable but:

But I don't feel this way, and I think it's because my husband and I carve out frequent, regular, fairly lengthly times when one of us is 100% in charge of both kids and the other can do whatever. For us, it's a half a weekend day almost every weekend, each (either until 2pm if you've got a morning off, or after 2pm if you've got an evening off). That still gives us a full day for family time, or to go off each with one kid if we want. Plus, two weeknights a month off for each of us. (We also do regular date nights together, but that's usually after the kids go to bed, easier/cheaper to find sitters).

So, sometimes I legit sleep until noon and read or watch TV in bed until 2pm. Sometimes, I leave at 2pm, go get a massage, meet up with a friend, get drinks, have a leisurely dinner, then go see a movie. Sometimes I spend a bunch of time crafting (my primary hobby). Happy hours. Time with friends. Parties. Whatever.

Don't get me wrong, it's HARD to be 100% in charge of the kids for such a large stretch of time, and we've been doing this since they were 2.5 and 6 months old, when it was BRUTAL to do the end of the day/dinner/bedtime routine solo or to have to juggle a whole morning. But it's SO worth it to have the downtime, and honestly, as we forced ourselves to do it, we got better and better at it, and it's gotten easier and easier to handle them together as they aged. They're now 2 and 4 and it's NBD at this point.

Now obviously you need a true, solid partnership and both parents on board (there was a post recently from a woman with a similar setup where it sounded like there were a LOT of issues and resentment). But for us, it's such a game changer.

Oh, and the first time you try it, the person in charge of the kids will be like THAT WAS SO HARD I'M EXHAUSTED and the person who had free time will be like "I don't even think I used the time well, I just felt so weird and off, what do I even like to do??" and so it's easy to give up, but push past that! Find yourself again! So worth it.

Oh, and yeah, the rest of the time, basically every minute revolves around the kids.


Ok, so your point is that you get one morning off a week and the rest of your time revolves around the kids?

That's really not any different than what anyone else in the thread is saying. Also, be real with yourself: when you have your morning off, do you really not think about your kids at all? Because my DH and I give each other time off quite a bit (more than one morning a week) but realistically, I still dedicate some of that time to kids even though I'm not actually with them. Even if I'm sitting in a coffee shop reading a book or meeting up with a friend for drinks, my kids are truly never that far from my mind.

Yes, time for yourself is important, but the truth is that parenting is very consuming and that's not a personal moral failing. That's how parenting is structured these days. That's what it takes.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2023 23:03     Subject: How much of your daily life revolves around your kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:At this point with 3 young kids (3, 6 and 8) I feel like every minute of the day revolves around my kids, their activities and their schedules. I work full time and kids are at daycare/school but I am constantly arranging my schedule to make sure I can drop them off in time for the bus, pick them up from the bus, feed them, do homework, get them ready for sports/activities, etc.

I know this is normal for their ages but at what point does your life become yours again? To be fair, DH and I plan date nights, have time to ourselves when we can fit it in and try to go away by ourselves at least once every year or every other year for at least a long weekend, if not for a week. But when we are in our normal every day lives I would say 90% of our time revolves around our kids and their needs.


If you are wondering this, you probably shouldn't have had kids.


Wrong. Parents should have full, enriching adult lives outside their children no matter the age of the child.

But they probably shouldn't have had that many children.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2023 23:02     Subject: Re:How much of your daily life revolves around your kids?
I think about this sometimes. I love my time with my kids. I’m genuinely excited tomorrow is a weekend and we can spend more time together. But I just want an extra hour in the day for something for myself. I often stay up longer than I should to get that time and then feel crappy later. My oldest is 8 and I’m trying to savor every minute but it’s a bit too all consuming sometimes. I know I will miss it so much when they move out though
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2023 22:20     Subject: How much of your daily life revolves around your kids?
Anonymous wrote:At this point with 3 young kids (3, 6 and 8) I feel like every minute of the day revolves around my kids, their activities and their schedules. I work full time and kids are at daycare/school but I am constantly arranging my schedule to make sure I can drop them off in time for the bus, pick them up from the bus, feed them, do homework, get them ready for sports/activities, etc.

I know this is normal for their ages but at what point does your life become yours again? To be fair, DH and I plan date nights, have time to ourselves when we can fit it in and try to go away by ourselves at least once every year or every other year for at least a long weekend, if not for a week. But when we are in our normal every day lives I would say 90% of our time revolves around our kids and their needs.


If you are wondering this, you probably shouldn't have had kids.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2023 22:15     Subject: How much of your daily life revolves around your kids?
Anonymous wrote:Pretty much every minute I am not at work or otherwise doing something out of the house without them. I think that is normal?


This. Same here: work and kids.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2023 22:12     Subject: How much of your daily life revolves around your kids?
Pretty much every minute I am not at work or otherwise doing something out of the house without them. I think that is normal?
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2023 22:10     Subject: How much of your daily life revolves around your kids?
Our entire life revolves around the kids….school, sports, lunch, snacks, dinner, laundry, dentist appointments, sick visit appointments, eye doctor appointments, recitals, games and we both work full time and have no help! It gets exhausting but then I realize that these days will pass and they will be off to college in no time! We have 3 kids (11, 9 and 5)
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2023 16:43     Subject: How much of your daily life revolves around your kids?
I remember when my oldest 2 were younger, I complained a lot…. Was always irritable with traffic, distance I had to drive, waiting for events to let out, trying to get food on the go, etc.

Now My youngest is almost 16 and I’m savoring it til the last few months til she gets her drivers license. DH says when that happens he doesn’t know what I’m going to do with mall my spare time. Driving my DD is my life. About once every few weeks she oversleeps and misses the bus and I have to drive her to school, and I tell her no problem…. We Grownups have slow days sometimes. She plays sports almost year-round, and I go to her away games so she doesn’t have to ride the activity bus back to school. I pick her up from practice and get there early and gladly sit in my car entertaining myself.

I don’t know if it’s because I’m getting older or not. But I tell DD it’s prob because I can just focus on driving and don’t have the a complaining 8 little sister that she was at the time I drove her brothers around.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2023 15:59     Subject: How much of your daily life revolves around your kids?
A fraction. I finish work at 5, and the kids are in bed at 8. Then we're together for a little under an hour in the mornings.
Anonymous
Post 04/21/2023 15:54     Subject: How much of your daily life revolves around your kids?
Almost all.