If you want to memorialize on a certain day, then plan it, and do it, and invite your SO to join you. Don't make it an expectation for them to track it.


It's great to remember people and tell others about them on their birthday. Keep it loving and positive.

No. I only vaguely know when my in-laws' birthdays are, and my husband is the same with mine. If my spouse wanted to do something on that date, I would obviously support that, but I probably wouldn't remember on my own.

Anonymous wrote:Yes or No:

Would you think a spouse of 15+ years would rememeber/remark/acknowledge on your dead parent's birthday?

I wish OPs would post their real issues instead of vague "survey questions" like this. Your spouse forgot or doesn't acknowleged or know your dead parent's birthday. Did you wait and wait on that day, hoping and expecting your spouse would say something to you? And then spouse didn't and you're angry? I get it, I truly do. But isn't it possible that your expectations are skewed by your own grief and desire for someone other than yourself to remember your parent, OP? I say that kindly, as someone who always remembers my own late parents' (and grandmother's) birthdays. I want to feel that they mattered to others who can still remember them as we all get older and the memory of loved ones starts to fade. If your spouse doesn't remember or remark on a date that is meaningful to you, then tell your spouse, "I'm still grieving this loss and want to acknowledge Parent's life more. Next year I'd like us both to...." Then fill in the blank with some action that would memorialize your parent well. Contribute to a charity he or she would have appreciated, in his or her name. Plant a bunch of bulbs in a corner of the yard, with flowers in colors your parent liked. Eat at his or her favorite restaurant or cook one of their favorite foods. Whatever works, simple or complex. But involve your spouse and speak up. And ask your spouse if there's anyone he or she would like to memorialize annually. But don't expect your spouse to remember dates, necessarily. Make those dates into something tangible you both DO rather than just days you wait for a verbal acknowledgement and when it doesn't come, you're hurt.

For years after my grandmother (who lived in my parents' household for 45 years and helped raise me) died, I sent my mother flowers on my grandmother's birthday. My mom appreciated knowing I remembered them both on that day. Can you do something like that with someone else who knew your late parent? To take some of the expectation around this date off your spouse and just share acknowledgement with someone else in your life?

Stop this! Live for today.

I know FIL’s is a couple days after DHs and MILs is the first few days of the new year. But I’ll be honest if I didn’t have those dates to tie them to….I don’t know if I’d be able to pinpoint them so closely

My dad’s birthday, yes. But only because it’s also our wedding anniversary. Birthdays are not a big deal to DH and most years he doesn’t even remember to call his own parents on theirs. I’m not sure he knows when my moms birthday is and that’s ok with me.

No

My mom's birthday was the same day as DH's dad's birthday and every year when I would point this out it was like he was hearing this information for the first time.

So in other words, no.

I can guarantee my spouse could not tell you when my parents' birthdays are. He didn't acknowledge their birthdays when they were alive so I would not expect him to now that they have passed.

Not a reasonable expectation. I don’t keep track of my spouse’s living parents’ birthdays. That’s his responsibility.

If you are getting upset with your spouse about this, it's likely you are channeling your grief into something more tangible.

My dad died a few years ago. His birthday was 9/11, so obviously an easy date to remember. I honestly couldn't tell you what my husband did or didn't do or say on that date last year. I know he grieves the loss of my dad on a regular basis, as do I. What happens on a specific day neither amplifies nor diminishes his support.

I would suggest talking to someone about it if this caused a fight.

No. We don’t even remember spouses living parents birthdays. You’re way too sensitive!

Nope. Both my parents are alive and my husband has no idea when their birthdays are.

No

NO