Anonymous wrote:For memory care, I found an adult family home to be significantly better than the memory care unit of a CCRC. The memory care unit of the CCRC wasn't terrible, but the larger pool of caregivers and more institutional feel made it less pleasant than the adult family home.

How did you find one?

Consider this. We are all one accident or one debilitating illness away from long-term care ourselves.

If you have not spent time in a long-term care facility (whether it's assisted living or nursing home) then you may not be aware that there are people in them who are in their 20s, 30s and 40s. Some are vehicle accident victims who are paralyzed or brain damaged. Some developed an illness which impacted their mobility and ability for self-care.

What would YOU want in a case like this? If you are in your 40s and have an accident tomorrow which leaves you physically incapacitated (but mentally acute) what kind of care would you want as a human being?

That's the crux of the issue. It's not whether or not someone is old, young, nice, mean or oblivious. We as a country need to examine this issue and determine our way forward. How do we want to treat other human beings in this condition?

But because it is scary and makes people fearful, we simply are not having that conversation.

NP and I haven't read the thread, but your mom is scared because you are sending her to the place where she will die. I can't believe this isn't obvious to you. I think it's more that you lack empathy than your mom lacking self awareness.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It took my mom being isolated alone in a condo for a few years, sometimes not seeing or talking to anyone between my visits or calls to finally make the decision than an independent living facility may be a better option. And I moved her to one and she absolutely loved it and would say she wished she’d moved there years ago. She’s been experiencing cognitive decline and needs more help than she can get where she is currently living. She is anxious every day because she sees other people managing their worlds just find and she struggles. She’s embarrassed where she currently is and it’s definitely time to move her to assisted living. I found her a place very similar to where she is now but with the addition of a nursing staff and medication management. She’d be middle of the road in terms of needs, as opposed to the one everyone talks about when she gets confused about things. But she’s so incredibly resistant. Wants to get a lot of questions answered before she “agrees” to move and doesn’t seem to understand she HAS to move so it’s not a matter of if but a matter of where. She’s losing her mind and I’m losing my mind. Is there something about this generation that makes them lack self awareness?

This is so heartless. Newsflash, OP, you will also get old. You will age, and watch your faculties decline before your eyes. It is going to be a VERY hard pill to swallow for you when the time comes. I'm actually more concerned with the YOUNGER generations who have no empathy for anyone else's circumstances. Do you really not understand how difficult aging is? I don't get it. There is a total lack of compassion evidenced by millennial and younger. I chalk it up to the rise of narcissism. Is there something about this generation that makes them lack self awareness??

Way to generalize. My young adult children are a HUGE help to me (a gen x'er) in taking care of my elderly and disabled parents. They love doing things for them and spending time together. My own grandparents were dead by the time I was their age, so I never experienced this.

Did she go away to college and/or ever live on her own? Neither of my parents ever had and I think this is at least part of what scared them. If you lived in a dorm then communal living is less scary.

OP I have lived through the decline and care of my mother, my father, and most recently my MIL. What you are doing is difficult and unlike some of the other posters I have no problem with your decision.

My parents did NOT want to go to 'a home'. I think they viewed as a horrible institutional place where they would be left and forgotten. My mother was ill (Parkinson's and dementia) for seven years b4 she died. She stayed at home and my father hired a care manager who managed a rotation of about 10 aides/nurses so that she had 24/7 care at least for the last few years. My dad also lived in the house so he was able to ensure my mother rec'd the care she needed. That said without the care manager it would have been almost impossible to ensure 24/7 consistent care which is what she needed at the end.

It's possible that your mom could be ok with a daily aide but eventually that will not be enough. Aging is a one way street as we all know. The aides quit or move. Weeks can pass b4 you find another one. If the aide is alone with your parent there is no guarantee that they will always be kind and responsive.

My father is now aged enough that he needs care. We used the same care manager for him that we used for my mom. She charges $60 an hour. She is worth every penny.

For my father as he is over 6 feet and not the easiest person, we chose to have 2 aides at a time care for him at least for the last 5 years. He has the $ and he wanted to 'die in this house'. Between the care manager and the aides, his in-home care runs about $25K a month which comes out of his estate. He no longer speaks; we are unsure if he understands us, and is moved around via a hoyer lift. Sad really. We all miss him.

We are in the process of moving my MIL from a retirement community that claims it's an assisted living facility to a true assisted living facility. I could write multiple paragraphs on that process but already -- TLDR.

Bottom line there is no easy answer to caring for aging parents. Everyone needs to do what is best for them and for their parent. Good luck OP. It's tough stuff. I wish the PP's who think they know what is right realize every situation is different. All we can do is the best we can do.

Anonymous wrote:B/c these places are not well regulated. They are also for-profit, so they are very expensive but that does not mean that they are all well run. There is a big range in quality of facility and care in these places, so you need to do your homework before you ever agree to put a loved one into them.

A lot of the places we have visited for my parent are not for profits - Ingleside, Knollwood, I think Asbury was. They are still expensive of course. My grandmothers both went through the 3 levels of care in DC area CC communities and the care was excellent. My ILs were at a for profit one and that was also excellent.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because they know once you put them in there you’ll never come get them out. Would you want to live in a hospital in your dying days, kids coming to visit once a week if you’re lucky. Never knowing which staff are good or bad, having absolutely zero control over a life you once had complete control over?

I’d find her a more suitable arrangement.

Assisted living is not a nursing home and it is not a "hospital".

Not sure about the "visit" comment but going to assisted living doesn't make people visit less.

It's like living in a hotel. You get your room cleaned, meals cooked for you, some activities.

Where they medicate you against your will and can come into your room at any time.

They medicate those who are abusive. I can guarantee you those who need to be heavily medicated would gladly eat their own children alive with their verbal and sometimes physical abuse. Our experience is these facilities work with you collaboratively with medication. My grandma was medicated to be a zombie because she was THAT abusive without the meds. Heavily medicated she could treat staff with basic respect, enjoy a visit from family and function. God bless medication!!

For memory care, I found an adult family home to be significantly better than the memory care unit of a CCRC. The memory care unit of the CCRC wasn't terrible, but the larger pool of caregivers and more institutional feel made it less pleasant than the adult family home.

The average old person’s image of an assisted living facility is about 50 years out of date. They have no idea what they’re picturing and fearing. They’re imagining a hospital, when it’s more like a luxury condo.

I can speak only from my experience as a caregiver who has worked in a range of facilities from assisted living to higher level care nursing homes over the last seven years I’ve been working as a nurses aide post-legal career.

I have seen luxury AL in Newton-Wellesley Massachusetts and podunk little nursing homes in rural areas of my state. So from the best to the worst. And I’ve also cared for many people in the home where they were aging in place.

People’s fears about going into a facility are much like the fears of parents who obsess over the safety of their children and the potential of them being abducted by a stranger. Yes mistreatment happens in facilities, but it is rare that there are very serious cases. Most ‘mistreatment’ is the unintended consequence of understaffed facilities where sometimes just because of the aide to patient ratio sometimes patients have to sit in a wet diaper for a while. I’m not saying it isn’t less than ideal, but so is nearly all home care. I have seen people being treated so poorly in the home - even in upper middle class homes - that I had to make anonymous report to adult protective services asking for an elder abuse assessment.

We don’t take real good care of kids and elders in this society. Most people have to choose between flawed options. Things should be better but we keep spending money on weapons of mass destruction more than on our people. Someday maybe that will change. In the meantime I think most facilities are decent places with mostly decent staff and the important thing is to make sure you have an advocate who will visit you and look out for you wherever you choose to age unto death.

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP.

It’s because these places can be depressing and people are often mistreated in them. They all deliberately drop you, for example, if you complain etc. I saw that happen with my uncles roommate. He was complaining they were being too rough on him while they were helping him get to the bathroom. So they just dropped him. He had to go to the hospital with a fracture.

She is smart to be asking questions. Try to answer them.

Also, look into the possibility of her staying in independent living, but having a caregiver paid by you or her come in for a shift or two a day. What additional care services does she need exactly?

I am so glad we are able to keep my parents at home. They are both mentally and physically disabled. I understand that for most people that is prohibitively expensive however.

Typ. I said they all deliberately drop you. All is not the right word. Some will, some won’t.

Hi OP.

It’s because these places can be depressing and people are often mistreated in them. They all deliberately drop you, for example, if you complain etc. I saw that happen with my uncles roommate. He was complaining they were being too rough on him while they were helping him get to the bathroom. So they just dropped him. He had to go to the hospital with a fracture.

She is smart to be asking questions. Try to answer them.

Also, look into the possibility of her staying in independent living, but having a caregiver paid by you or her come in for a shift or two a day. What additional care services does she need exactly?

I am so glad we are able to keep my parents at home. They are both mentally and physically disabled. I understand that for most people that is prohibitively expensive however.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It took my mom being isolated alone in a condo for a few years, sometimes not seeing or talking to anyone between my visits or calls to finally make the decision than an independent living facility may be a better option. And I moved her to one and she absolutely loved it and would say she wished she’d moved there years ago. She’s been experiencing cognitive decline and needs more help than she can get where she is currently living. She is anxious every day because she sees other people managing their worlds just find and she struggles. She’s embarrassed where she currently is and it’s definitely time to move her to assisted living. I found her a place very similar to where she is now but with the addition of a nursing staff and medication management. She’d be middle of the road in terms of needs, as opposed to the one everyone talks about when she gets confused about things. But she’s so incredibly resistant. Wants to get a lot of questions answered before she “agrees” to move and doesn’t seem to understand she HAS to move so it’s not a matter of if but a matter of where. She’s losing her mind and I’m losing my mind. Is there something about this generation that makes them lack self awareness?

This is so heartless. Newsflash, OP, you will also get old. You will age, and watch your faculties decline before your eyes. It is going to be a VERY hard pill to swallow for you when the time comes. I'm actually more concerned with the YOUNGER generations who have no empathy for anyone else's circumstances. Do you really not understand how difficult aging is? I don't get it. There is a total lack of compassion evidenced by millennial and younger. I chalk it up to the rise of narcissism. Is there something about this generation that makes them lack self awareness??

You are seriously projecting here. Most times the assisted living facility is the best care your parent is going to get. It seems your empathy and self-awareness is the thing that is lacking.

Because most are overpriced, very limited care and they are not great.