Anonymous wrote:Can I just ask why he wants to move to this place? Does he have a good chance of finding a job there?

I'm not OP, but a lot of dudes have just straight up lost their minds in the last several years.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I don’t think he’s having an affair but I do agree with the midlife crisis idea. Yes, he wants to just up and move without a job there and without knowing anyone. This is all about him wanting to be in a red state rather than navigating his political views where we currently live. Yes, I can afford to maintain our lifestyle without his help, but it sure would be nice to have a partner in the future. I will research the divorce laws. What kind of man would just up and move and expect his wife and kids to follow? And logistically, he would expect me to do all the packing, sell the house, etc.

How did you respond at the dinner table when he made that announcement? What was the kids' reaction?

+1. OP, what did you say? What is the current status?

If you've been saying "not unless you find a good job there," maybe he took that to mean you are on board as long as he finds a job. So he is going to do that while you stay here.

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I don’t think he’s having an affair but I do agree with the midlife crisis idea. Yes, he wants to just up and move without a job there and without knowing anyone. This is all about him wanting to be in a red state rather than navigating his political views where we currently live. Yes, I can afford to maintain our lifestyle without his help, but it sure would be nice to have a partner in the future. I will research the divorce laws. What kind of man would just up and move and expect his wife and kids to follow? And logistically, he would expect me to do all the packing, sell the house, etc.

My ex husband did that. You need a divorce.

Anonymous wrote:OP here- he wants to move to a more conservative area because of the influence on our kids. We do not have jobs there- he wants to just move and then find jobs once we get there. Our professional experiences don’t easily translate to areas outside DC. I told him if he finds a job where he makes the combination of his and my current salary then I would go. But I’m not just leaving a life and job here without something specific to go to in hopes of finding something.

Did he interpret this to me he could go ahead and move and you would follow him when he got the job? You should tell him it’s not ok to split up the family until he has the job in hand.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

it sure would be nice to have a partner in the future. I will research the divorce laws. What kind of man would just up and move and expect his wife and kids to follow?

You’re not committed to being a partner to him, or will only be a partner on your terms, but you expect him to be a partner to you?

A partner is someone who considers the welfare of everyone in the family. This guy is acting like a child having a tantrum. Quit both jobs and uproot their family for what? To run away somewhere he can say the n-word whenever he wants? So his feelings don't get hurt when someone puts their pronouns in an email?

I don't know what's going on, but he needs to man up and deal with his crap. I feel sorry for OP. She has 3 children now.

2 children

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

it sure would be nice to have a partner in the future. I will research the divorce laws. What kind of man would just up and move and expect his wife and kids to follow?

You’re not committed to being a partner to him, or will only be a partner on your terms, but you expect him to be a partner to you?

A partner is someone who considers the welfare of everyone in the family. This guy is acting like a child having a tantrum. Quit both jobs and uproot their family for what? To run away somewhere he can say the n-word whenever he wants? So his feelings don't get hurt when someone puts their pronouns in an email?

I don't know what's going on, but he needs to man up and deal with his crap. I feel sorry for OP. She has 3 children now.

People take politics way too seriously. They become to some people more important than their actual experiences.

I swear I read a letter with the exact scenario, except from the man’s POV. I think it was on AITA on Reddit. If it is the same situation, the DH was definitely deemed the AH.

Anonymous wrote:

it sure would be nice to have a partner in the future. I will research the divorce laws. What kind of man would just up and move and expect his wife and kids to follow?

You’re not committed to being a partner to him, or will only be a partner on your terms, but you expect him to be a partner to you?

A partner is someone who considers the welfare of everyone in the family. This guy is acting like a child having a tantrum. Quit both jobs and uproot their family for what? To run away somewhere he can say the n-word whenever he wants? So his feelings don't get hurt when someone puts their pronouns in an email?

I don't know what's going on, but he needs to man up and deal with his crap. I feel sorry for OP. She has 3 children now.

Not sure if this applies, but moving out of the DMV is never a bad idea. That said, he does not have a plan. But you should. It’s spelled d-i-v-o-r-c-e.

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I don’t think he’s having an affair but I do agree with the midlife crisis idea. Yes, he wants to just up and move without a job there and without knowing anyone. This is all about him wanting to be in a red state rather than navigating his political views where we currently live. Yes, I can afford to maintain our lifestyle without his help, but it sure would be nice to have a partner in the future. I will research the divorce laws. What kind of man would just up and move and expect his wife and kids to follow? And logistically, he would expect me to do all the packing, sell the house, etc.

How did you respond at the dinner table when he made that announcement? What was the kids' reaction?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I was his lawyer my advice would be to not move, but to quit his job. The family can live on one income for a while since the wife believe her career is adequate to take care of the children.

Oh look! The idiot wife hater is back.

No lawyer would even say such a stupid thing.

When I was interviewing lawyers one did advise that. He also said empty your 401k and I wish I had listened. My ex-wife DID quit her job and emptied her 401k, which cost me a lot of money.

Ok. But your real mistake was marrying the kind of person that would do something like that. I like to think that even if my wife and I got divorced we would prioritize the kids rather than screwing each other over. But easy to say, I guess.

See the can we stop asking posters this question thread. Even if you ask it here of yourself you are just self-congratulating that you don't have this problem. Not offering any support. Why do you need this sort of validation?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I was his lawyer my advice would be to not move, but to quit his job. The family can live on one income for a while since the wife believe her career is adequate to take care of the children.

Oh look! The idiot wife hater is back.

No lawyer would even say such a stupid thing.

When I was interviewing lawyers one did advise that. He also said empty your 401k and I wish I had listened. My ex-wife DID quit her job and emptied her 401k, which cost me a lot of money.

Emptied it how? Where did that money go? Why didn’t the divorce judge take a look at that history and see she used to have 401k funds?

I think this is the natural conclusion of the culture wars . . . that we all sort ourselves into red states and blue states. I wouldn't live in a state that bans or all but bans abortion, that is banning drag queens and requiring genital exams for sports, etc. So while I can't understand your husband's discomfort with whatever he doesn't like about this area, I do think we're being pushed to self-sort. Of course, that will just make us even less able to relate to one another. We're careening toward a real crisis.

But to your personal situation . . . Obviously he's feeling very lost and out of place. I would try to hear that and understand how deeply he's feeling it. I would try to offer grace and support. But I would not accept my partner making a unilateral decision about moving the family. That's just not how marriage works. He's not the only one with a stake in all of this and he doesn't get to decide for everyone.

Practically, what sort of compromise or changes can you make to help him with his feelings? Join a conservative house of worship? Switch kids to private? Join a private club? Buy a vacation home in the target state? If he felt surrounded by his people here then he might not feel this wanderlust anymore.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I was his lawyer my advice would be to not move, but to quit his job. The family can live on one income for a while since the wife believe her career is adequate to take care of the children.

Oh look! The idiot wife hater is back.

No lawyer would even say such a stupid thing.

When I was interviewing lawyers one did advise that. He also said empty your 401k and I wish I had listened. My ex-wife DID quit her job and emptied her 401k, which cost me a lot of money.

Ok. But your real mistake was marrying the kind of person that would do something like that. I like to think that even if my wife and I got divorced we would prioritize the kids rather than screwing each other over. But easy to say, I guess.

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I don’t think he’s having an affair but I do agree with the midlife crisis idea. Yes, he wants to just up and move without a job there and without knowing anyone. This is all about him wanting to be in a red state rather than navigating his political views where we currently live. Yes, I can afford to maintain our lifestyle without his help, but it sure would be nice to have a partner in the future. I will research the divorce laws. What kind of man would just up and move and expect his wife and kids to follow? And logistically, he would expect me to do all the packing, sell the house, etc.

The kind who wants to live in a red state. Lawyer up and protect your savings!