Prepare a budget spreadsheet and show him he needs to contribute financially.
or

say "me too"

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have him get a job at a local gym. He can work his way up to management or personal trainer. This is one of those I’m not asking I’m telling you spouse moments.

Asking a man with untreated depression simmering through a years-long midlife crisis to become a trainer at a local gym is just telling him to go have an affair.

+1 Agree with this PP, the "get a job at a gym" thing is a terrible idea. The DH needs therapy and help transitioning out of the military mindset, not a "job" like this one. It's a recipe for an affair.

It sounds like OP would be OK with his not working a job IF he were stepping up as a father and husband--he has time to do a lot with the kids and household now and isn't doing it. That should be his first and biggest job at this point, after therapy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is hard, but also not uncommon post military retirement. Many people thrive in the military because of the regimented structure, which doesn’t really exist outside of the military.

What is the crux of the issue? Do you need him to bring in some income for current expenses or savings goals? Is it just his hanging around the house? The attitude?

OP here. I guess it's the attitude more than anything. If he was actually happy – if he found some hobby that brought him joy, and was full of laughter and love– well, I'd still wish he made some more money but I could handle it. (I mean, I like my job, so although I sometimes feel overwhelmed, it's not like I'd quit if he suddenly got a job.) And if he pitched in more with household stuff– took on more of Ye Olde Mental Load, went shopping, fixed things, called contractors, did all that stuff without sulking or needing to be cajoled– it would be fine. I guess it's just that right now I feel like I am not getting much out of this: not a happy, supportive spouse, not an engaged and loving co-parent, not someone to share the breadwinning, not a partner in dealing with all the crappy little stuff life throws at us.

I truly love him and when he is in a good mood he's a lot of fun to be around: he is smart and funny and affectionate. But we are not seeing his good side nearly as much as we see his angry, moody side.

New poster. OP, you have your own script already written, above. Subsitute "you" for "he" and you've got what you need to say. I might not use the terms "sulk" or "need to be cajoled" -- even though they're true -- becuase they also will make him defensive; he'll hear those words and then tune out everything else you say after that. Emphasize that you would be OK with his doing this IF he were actually happy but he clearly is not, and if he claims he is -- you'll have to point out to him that his actions do not indicate happiness.

Then I'd tell him that you've researched transition assistance for veterans (which, yes, you need to do ASAP). I would actually not only research it, I'd go ahead and make him an appointment and frankly I'd take him to it myself. He sounds like the kind of person who thrived with being told what to do and where to be etc. and now, without that structure, he is at loose ends. And those loose ends are NOT translating into "I'm going to enjoy my hobbies and my kids" but are clearly translating into "I feel at a loss and am irritable with our kids." Point out that THIS is what your kids will remember, too -- seeing dad irked with them, being snappish, seeing mom being both a working breadwinner and also having to handle all kid and household stuff, etc. And it will send your kids some pretty poor messages.

Most of all I'd emphasize this thing you say above: Right now I feel like I am not getting much out of this: not a happy, supportive spouse, not an engaged and loving co-parent, not someone to share the breadwinning, not a partner in dealing with all the crappy little stuff life throws at us. He may think this is only about him, and if he believes he's happy and "retired," he is fine, and if YOU are not happy that's your issue and not his. But you need to make him see that if you are not happy it's very much a marital issue and that makes it his as well as yours.

Also, I'd get into marriage counseling, but maybe after he talks to someone with experience of transitioning military members who are not adjusting well. He will not want to admit he's not adjusting but that does sound like the case. Yes, even several years after leaving the military.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel similarly to your DH, except I don't have a pension. I want to retire very early and pursue my hobbies, while still splitting the domestic responsibilities. I'm trying to convince my DH that I should deserve to retire after years of pregnancy, childbirth, and breastfeeding while working full-time. I also informed him early on while we were dating that I wanted to retire early on a very frugal budget.

His moodiness is a problem for sure, but not wanting to work seems normal to me.

Nobody wants to work. But willingness to do nothing while your partner drowns trying to do everything is down to lack of character. It's not just moodiness, after 5 years of this he's a leech.

+1 This is part of the issue IMO if one person retires while the other is working, and the retiree has no serious plan/hobby.

I also find the lack of involvement in childcare, housechores, cooking a serious issue. If you have kids, and you no longer work, but your partner still does, the retired person should be taking on most of the home chores.

OP is basically a single parent whose partner is a loser and mooching off of her.

Think of the reverse: if a woman was a sahm but she didn't cook, clean, take of care of kids, was moody all day, and the DH who works FT and had to do all this, how would the man feel? Probably awful.

Retiring early when you have kids doesn't mean you do nothing at home.

Divorce him. Let him see how fun it is living on his benefits when he's forking over a portion to care for the kids.

Also, at his age, no judge would agree to him being "retired" without a substantial nest egg.

Anonymous wrote:Have him get a job at a local gym. He can work his way up to management or personal trainer. This is one of those I’m not asking I’m telling you spouse moments.

Asking a man with untreated depression simmering through a years-long midlife crisis to become a trainer at a local gym is just telling him to go have an affair.

Have him get a job at a local gym. He can work his way up to management or personal trainer. This is one of those I’m not asking I’m telling you spouse moments.

Anonymous wrote:I feel similarly to your DH, except I don't have a pension. I want to retire very early and pursue my hobbies, while still splitting the domestic responsibilities. I'm trying to convince my DH that I should deserve to retire after years of pregnancy, childbirth, and breastfeeding while working full-time. I also informed him early on while we were dating that I wanted to retire early on a very frugal budget.

His moodiness is a problem for sure, but not wanting to work seems normal to me.

Nobody wants to work. But willingness to do nothing while your partner drowns trying to do everything is down to lack of character. It's not just moodiness, after 5 years of this he's a leech.

Anonymous wrote:I feel similarly to your DH, except I don't have a pension. I want to retire very early and pursue my hobbies, while still splitting the domestic responsibilities. I'm trying to convince my DH that I should deserve to retire after years of pregnancy, childbirth, and breastfeeding while working full-time. I also informed him early on while we were dating that I wanted to retire early on a very frugal budget.

His moodiness is a problem for sure, but not wanting to work seems normal to me.

We all want to retire (most of us, at least). But grown-ups should realize that when there are children involved, that's often not possible.

As an aside, you want to "retire" to pursue hobbies, but still split domestic responsibilities 50/50? You really think your husband should support you and your hobbies, and you shouldn't take on a little extra of the household tasks?

I feel similarly to your DH, except I don't have a pension. I want to retire very early and pursue my hobbies, while still splitting the domestic responsibilities. I'm trying to convince my DH that I should deserve to retire after years of pregnancy, childbirth, and breastfeeding while working full-time. I also informed him early on while we were dating that I wanted to retire early on a very frugal budget.

His moodiness is a problem for sure, but not wanting to work seems normal to me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is hard, but also not uncommon post military retirement. Many people thrive in the military because of the regimented structure, which doesn’t really exist outside of the military.

What is the crux of the issue? Do you need him to bring in some income for current expenses or savings goals? Is it just his hanging around the house? The attitude?

OP here. I guess it's the attitude more than anything. If he was actually happy – if he found some hobby that brought him joy, and was full of laughter and love– well, I'd still wish he made some more money but I could handle it. (I mean, I like my job, so although I sometimes feel overwhelmed, it's not like I'd quit if he suddenly got a job.) And if he pitched in more with household stuff– took on more of Ye Olde Mental Load, went shopping, fixed things, called contractors, did all that stuff without sulking or needing to be cajoled– it would be fine. I guess it's just that right now I feel like I am not getting much out of this: not a happy, supportive spouse, not an engaged and loving co-parent, not someone to share the breadwinning, not a partner in dealing with all the crappy little stuff life throws at us.

I truly love him and when he is in a good mood he's a lot of fun to be around: he is smart and funny and affectionate. But we are not seeing his good side nearly as much as we see his angry, moody side.

This is what you need to focus on, OP. Has he been screened for depression? It sounds like that could be at play here. He is paralyzed because he doesn't know what to do. There are lots of resources available to ex-military people to help them acclimate, both psychologically and with tangible career assistance. Has he looked into that?

Anonymous wrote:Op, my military dh just retired last month. His last assignment ended in August though, so he’s been home since then. He had a brush with a mid-life crisis. He drank like a fish and I thought we were headed for divorce. If the opportunity had presented itself, I’m sure he would have cheated. He seems to have righted himself a bit, but is still unemployed and not yet looking for work. We can’t afford for him to stay this way for all that long though. Maybe a year, but if he’s unemployed this time next year we’ll have to move to a lower COL location.

Just putting that out there to say I feel you. In your shoes, I’d go out for a quiet dinner, just the two of you, and approach this with an attitude of care and curiosity, and express concern for him. It’s okay to also say that this is clearly not working for him, and as a follow on from that, it’s not working for you and the rest of the family. He may genuinely not know where to start looking for a job at this point. He may be afraid of rejection if he tries.

There may be something deeper going on, something about his childhood, his parents, his dad’s relationship with work, parents time in retirement, something. See what you can figure out. I think it’s okay to be open with him that the status quo is not okay.

This has been going on for FIVE YEARS, not one month. I assuming the OP has tried the nice, understanding route. Really, it is time to just get out.

I think you need to suggest marriage counseling to him as a condition of continuing the relationship. I suspect there is a long-standing dynamic where you both felt you were doing more throughout the marriage. Not trying to shift any blame to you at all, but I think this is a common dynamic with military families when the husband retires.

Op, my military dh just retired last month. His last assignment ended in August though, so he’s been home since then. He had a brush with a mid-life crisis. He drank like a fish and I thought we were headed for divorce. If the opportunity had presented itself, I’m sure he would have cheated. He seems to have righted himself a bit, but is still unemployed and not yet looking for work. We can’t afford for him to stay this way for all that long though. Maybe a year, but if he’s unemployed this time next year we’ll have to move to a lower COL location.

Just putting that out there to say I feel you. In your shoes, I’d go out for a quiet dinner, just the two of you, and approach this with an attitude of care and curiosity, and express concern for him. It’s okay to also say that this is clearly not working for him, and as a follow on from that, it’s not working for you and the rest of the family. He may genuinely not know where to start looking for a job at this point. He may be afraid of rejection if he tries.

There may be something deeper going on, something about his childhood, his parents, his dad’s relationship with work, parents time in retirement, something. See what you can figure out. I think it’s okay to be open with him that the status quo is not okay.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd tell him he has three choices (if you're OK with all of them):

(i) Get a full time job.
(ii) Become an actual stay at home parent, who proactively takes care of everything (including the mental load). Cooking (including shopping and meal planning, transporting kids, scheduling appointments (and remembering to schedule the appointments), etc.
(iii) divorce. (Not that you're looking forward to this, but the situation you describe is untenable. He isn't doing anywhere close to half of the household tasks, he is barely working, and he's unpleasant to boot. The pension doesn't entitle him to stop working forever, it is a security blanket for the family, and maybe mans that he has less pressure to maximize his earning potential.)

In order to accomplish the first two choices, though, it seems clear that he needs to get his mental and emotional health in order.

Nix no. 2. Choices should be 1 or 3.

That's really OP's choice. Plenty of families have one full-time SAHP. But that parent actually has to do the entire job, not just dabble in it.