Anonymous wrote:A PP asked but I didn't see an answer: how much more time are we talking? 1-2 additional months, or another 6 months?

I was asking what others may have done in this situation to try to gauge an answer to this question. But instead I got baseless accusations and almost entirely unhelpful nonsense. Just so upsetting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I can’t respond to all the directions this has gone - but yes, I’m not ready to go back because I don’t want to leave a baby who is totally dependent on me. I didn’t realize that would be so controversial or greedy or whatever else I’ve been called. Yikes.

Thank you to those who have shared their experiences in this situation (which was my ask). I appreciate the insight.

To those judging other moms anonymously on the internet - what’s the point? What do you get from it? I have never understood the more for others means less for me mentality. I’m sorry you all feel that way and hope something causes your opinions to change one day.

I’m sorry PP, people can get really nasty about this particular subject. FWIW as someone who had ppd after the birth of my second I really wish I had stayed home longer before returning to work. Years later I still feel like I didn’t get enough chance to recover.

While I can empathize this OP did not say that she has PPD or PPA or anything similar. She has also been on (presumably) paid leave for six months.

I didn’t share my entire medical history, correct. Your presumption about pay is also incorrect.

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Anonymous wrote:I would ask. A job is a just a job. If you’re not ready to go back, you should advocate for yourself, whether that means asking for unpaid leave or quitting.

I took maternity leave with every intention of coming back at the end of it, but a combination of PPD, Covid, and difficulty finding childcare led me to quit at the end of it. The place I left was a toxic dump anyway. Do I wish things had worked out differently? Yes, partially because I don’t want to give moms on leave a bad name. But I had to prioritize my own well-being and that of my baby.

Can I ask why you think this gives moms on leave a bad name? I think I understand but want to clarify. It’s so hard that people think this.

PP. I think some people probably think this was my plan all along, to game the system and get paid for several months of not working and then quit. In reality, it was an agonizing decision that I only came to after experiencing panic attacks and breakdowns and realizing that I wasn’t going to be able to return to work. But for a lot of reasons, I think some people don’t give parents (usually moms) on leave a lot of grace or benefit of the doubt.

Ha! You knew from the get go that you planned to game the system I've known too many employees like you and burned too many times.

I will give PP the benefit of the doubt that she didn't know what would happen when she was due to come back from leave, but unfortunately, people like PP do ruin it for the rest of the new parents who need a little more grace in their return to office plans.

No one has ruined anything for anyone except the people posting in this forum about greed and discouraging moms from what they need after baby.

WTH literally no one has told OP to go back to work against her will. No one. She has options - she can quit her job if she doesn’t want to work which is what it sounds like. Most sane people realize employers can’t hold jobs open for moms who don’t want to work.

OP did not say she doesn’t want to work. She said she’s not ready to leave her baby. Which is totally understandable. Some of these comments are literally insane. This country will never move the needle on leave and a better life for parents/families with people like this out there. What a shame.

We absolutely need universal paid maternity leave, but this is a policy decision that probably everyone women posting on this board supports and has very little ability to move the needle on save for calling their reps and demanding change and/or speaking to their company's HR department. Most women tell their boss how much leave they plan to take before going out and then coverage is found accordingly. If OP's dept. found coverage for six months it might not be easy to re-up the coverage for an additional X months while OP takes more time. Add to that OP probably quitting in the end ("I realized I'm not ready to go back after 9 months after all!") and it just feels gross. What many of us are trying to tell her is that it will probably come off as gross to her company and that will treat her accordingly and that given her current stance she may want to seriously consider quitting. OP needs to ask herself what will make her feel ready? Is she OK not feeling ready and going back anyway if she takes a few more months off? I worked for a giant healthcare company previously (healthcare is notorious, ironically, for bad benefits) and I needed to be there for two years before I could get 100% STD. I saved up all my vacation and took 13 weeks with my third. I had this fortune 15 company's corporate secretary tell me that 13 weeks was a lot of time. I see nothing wrong with going against the grain, but it's preferable to say something up front if you plan to take off more time so suitable coverage can be arranged and if your company has a very generous policy it's likely that they'll frown on extensions. I say this after being in Tech with my first two and getting 22 weeks off with both babies -- it's not common to take more than the paid time you are given if it's very generous and it rubs people the wrong way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I can’t respond to all the directions this has gone - but yes, I’m not ready to go back because I don’t want to leave a baby who is totally dependent on me. I didn’t realize that would be so controversial or greedy or whatever else I’ve been called. Yikes.

Thank you to those who have shared their experiences in this situation (which was my ask). I appreciate the insight.

To those judging other moms anonymously on the internet - what’s the point? What do you get from it? I have never understood the more for others means less for me mentality. I’m sorry you all feel that way and hope something causes your opinions to change one day.

I’m sorry PP, people can get really nasty about this particular subject. FWIW as someone who had ppd after the birth of my second I really wish I had stayed home longer before returning to work. Years later I still feel like I didn’t get enough chance to recover.

No one is saying she can’t stay home though? It’s the presumption of holding her job that has people rolling their eyes.

+1. At some point you quit and become a SAHM or you go back and suck it up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I can’t respond to all the directions this has gone - but yes, I’m not ready to go back because I don’t want to leave a baby who is totally dependent on me. I didn’t realize that would be so controversial or greedy or whatever else I’ve been called. Yikes.

Thank you to those who have shared their experiences in this situation (which was my ask). I appreciate the insight.

To those judging other moms anonymously on the internet - what’s the point? What do you get from it? I have never understood the more for others means less for me mentality. I’m sorry you all feel that way and hope something causes your opinions to change one day.

I’m sorry PP, people can get really nasty about this particular subject. FWIW as someone who had ppd after the birth of my second I really wish I had stayed home longer before returning to work. Years later I still feel like I didn’t get enough chance to recover.

While I can empathize this OP did not say that she has PPD or PPA or anything similar. She has also been on (presumably) paid leave for six months.

A PP asked but I didn't see an answer: how much more time are we talking? 1-2 additional months, or another 6 months?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I can’t respond to all the directions this has gone - but yes, I’m not ready to go back because I don’t want to leave a baby who is totally dependent on me. I didn’t realize that would be so controversial or greedy or whatever else I’ve been called. Yikes.

Thank you to those who have shared their experiences in this situation (which was my ask). I appreciate the insight.

To those judging other moms anonymously on the internet - what’s the point? What do you get from it? I have never understood the more for others means less for me mentality. I’m sorry you all feel that way and hope something causes your opinions to change one day.

I’m sorry PP, people can get really nasty about this particular subject. FWIW as someone who had ppd after the birth of my second I really wish I had stayed home longer before returning to work. Years later I still feel like I didn’t get enough chance to recover.

No one is saying she can’t stay home though? It’s the presumption of holding her job that has people rolling their eyes.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I can’t respond to all the directions this has gone - but yes, I’m not ready to go back because I don’t want to leave a baby who is totally dependent on me. I didn’t realize that would be so controversial or greedy or whatever else I’ve been called. Yikes.

Thank you to those who have shared their experiences in this situation (which was my ask). I appreciate the insight.

To those judging other moms anonymously on the internet - what’s the point? What do you get from it? I have never understood the more for others means less for me mentality. I’m sorry you all feel that way and hope something causes your opinions to change one day.

I’m sorry PP, people can get really nasty about this particular subject. FWIW as someone who had ppd after the birth of my second I really wish I had stayed home longer before returning to work. Years later I still feel like I didn’t get enough chance to recover.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:OP, I tried to do this after a 4 month leave and it did not work out. It was frustrating and I definitely ran into some of the attitudes on this thread.

HOWEVER, after I quit my job, I wound up talking to someone in our HR department and she gave me a hard time for not pushing harder. Basically she told me I should have come to her and made the request formally through HR instead of just trying to work it out with my department. I had a director in my department who was VERY opposed to it and frankly angry with me for asking (not a parent, if you're wondering) and once I made the initial request, she was never going to change her mind. But my HR friend told me that there was actually blowback about the incident in the company because they view themselves as very family friendly and part of their hiring strategy is to hire people with a lot of experience who are looking for good work-life balance. So apparently people were upset with my director for, in their eyes, forcing me out by not being willing to compromise with a month or two of unpaid leave or some kind of offer to return gradually in a part time capacity.

Too late for me to benefit from this knowledge, but you still can! If you get pushback, talk to HR and also make sure you review all your company's leave policies very closely (my company had a policy of "up to a year" of leave, combining paid and unpaid, a the discretion of your manager, and I should have pushed a lot harder on that). If this matters to you, get what you can! Good luck!

You are either inexperienced, uneducated, or both. I am a mom, extremely pro family friendly policies, and own a small business. There’s zero chance I would survive if I had to hold open a job for every single mom I employ until an unspecified end date, paid or not. I offer generous leave but the deal is that you come back and do your job after it. What you are complaining about will lead to businesses just not hiring women of child-bearing age. Wow, what a women’s-rights activist you are!!

Uh that is illegal PP.

Uh, what is illegal about it?

“Just not hiring women of childbearing age”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not take unpaid leave. Does your spouse have parental leave that he/she can use? That way your baby isn't in daycare yet if you're not ready for that. Can you go part-time temporarily? That is what i would do if I felt like you do.

Thanks - partner already used leave at the beginning and has been back at work full time for months so that is not an option. Respectfully, what does part time get me if I am not ready to leave the baby?

I would ask for part-time and WFH. That way you can have a nanny watch your baby while you are in the house and you are not "leaving" your baby.

I would advise you not to quit your job if you want to return to it anytime soon.

I do wish we had longer paid leave here.

Anonymous wrote:This is so obnoxious. Just quit your job and go back when you’re ready. It sounds like your employer has been generous and you’re exploiting them at that point.

+1. I'm a woman and soon to be mom of three. I also manage a team. I agree with the above. 6 months of paid leave is very generous and uncommon here in the US. I'm sympathetic as a mom myself but it seems like you need to decide soon if you actually want to go back or not. If I were the head of your team and you approached me with this I would be annoyed and I would wonder if you were serious about coming back. I don't think most employers would go for this.

OP here. I can’t respond to all the directions this has gone - but yes, I’m not ready to go back because I don’t want to leave a baby who is totally dependent on me. I didn’t realize that would be so controversial or greedy or whatever else I’ve been called. Yikes.

Thank you to those who have shared their experiences in this situation (which was my ask). I appreciate the insight.

To those judging other moms anonymously on the internet - what’s the point? What do you get from it? I have never understood the more for others means less for me mentality. I’m sorry you all feel that way and hope something causes your opinions to change one day.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I would ask. A job is a just a job. If you’re not ready to go back, you should advocate for yourself, whether that means asking for unpaid leave or quitting.

I took maternity leave with every intention of coming back at the end of it, but a combination of PPD, Covid, and difficulty finding childcare led me to quit at the end of it. The place I left was a toxic dump anyway. Do I wish things had worked out differently? Yes, partially because I don’t want to give moms on leave a bad name. But I had to prioritize my own well-being and that of my baby.

Can I ask why you think this gives moms on leave a bad name? I think I understand but want to clarify. It’s so hard that people think this.

PP. I think some people probably think this was my plan all along, to game the system and get paid for several months of not working and then quit. In reality, it was an agonizing decision that I only came to after experiencing panic attacks and breakdowns and realizing that I wasn’t going to be able to return to work. But for a lot of reasons, I think some people don’t give parents (usually moms) on leave a lot of grace or benefit of the doubt.

Ha! You knew from the get go that you planned to game the system I've known too many employees like you and burned too many times.

I will give PP the benefit of the doubt that she didn't know what would happen when she was due to come back from leave, but unfortunately, people like PP do ruin it for the rest of the new parents who need a little more grace in their return to office plans.

No one has ruined anything for anyone except the people posting in this forum about greed and discouraging moms from what they need after baby.

WTH literally no one has told OP to go back to work against her will. No one. She has options - she can quit her job if she doesn’t want to work which is what it sounds like. Most sane people realize employers can’t hold jobs open for moms who don’t want to work.

OP did not say she doesn’t want to work. She said she’s not ready to leave her baby. Which is totally understandable. Some of these comments are literally insane. This country will never move the needle on leave and a better life for parents/families with people like this out there. What a shame.

Her direct quote is that she isn’t ready to go back to work.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I tried to do this after a 4 month leave and it did not work out. It was frustrating and I definitely ran into some of the attitudes on this thread.

HOWEVER, after I quit my job, I wound up talking to someone in our HR department and she gave me a hard time for not pushing harder. Basically she told me I should have come to her and made the request formally through HR instead of just trying to work it out with my department. I had a director in my department who was VERY opposed to it and frankly angry with me for asking (not a parent, if you're wondering) and once I made the initial request, she was never going to change her mind. But my HR friend told me that there was actually blowback about the incident in the company because they view themselves as very family friendly and part of their hiring strategy is to hire people with a lot of experience who are looking for good work-life balance. So apparently people were upset with my director for, in their eyes, forcing me out by not being willing to compromise with a month or two of unpaid leave or some kind of offer to return gradually in a part time capacity.

Too late for me to benefit from this knowledge, but you still can! If you get pushback, talk to HR and also make sure you review all your company's leave policies very closely (my company had a policy of "up to a year" of leave, combining paid and unpaid, a the discretion of your manager, and I should have pushed a lot harder on that). If this matters to you, get what you can! Good luck!

You are either inexperienced, uneducated, or both. I am a mom, extremely pro family friendly policies, and own a small business. There’s zero chance I would survive if I had to hold open a job for every single mom I employ until an unspecified end date, paid or not. I offer generous leave but the deal is that you come back and do your job after it. What you are complaining about will lead to businesses just not hiring women of child-bearing age. Wow, what a women’s-rights activist you are!!

and still a misogynist. parents take leave. mom AND/OR dad

Does not appear you know what that word means. Women - who give birth - should absolutely be entitled to more leave you ghoul.

You are not entitled to anything unless your employer gives it to you and no one needs a year of maternity leave. Six months is more than generous. No employer should have to hold your job open for a year.

We are not a nanny society.

And look how well that has turned out for us. A country full of kids on Ritalin and school shootings. Maybe we should invest a little more in maternity leave we could solve some bigger social problems. We work 40+ years. Taking a few years off to care for an infant or two is not depriving our economy.

I don’t know what you’re suggesting. You can easily take a few years off, no one is stopping you. If you want the government to pay your bills while you take those years off then get divorced and go on one if a bajillion welfare programs. If you have zero income it’s not hard to qualify if that’s the life you want. What exactly is stopping you or others?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would ask. A job is a just a job. If you’re not ready to go back, you should advocate for yourself, whether that means asking for unpaid leave or quitting.

I took maternity leave with every intention of coming back at the end of it, but a combination of PPD, Covid, and difficulty finding childcare led me to quit at the end of it. The place I left was a toxic dump anyway. Do I wish things had worked out differently? Yes, partially because I don’t want to give moms on leave a bad name. But I had to prioritize my own well-being and that of my baby.

Can I ask why you think this gives moms on leave a bad name? I think I understand but want to clarify. It’s so hard that people think this.

PP. I think some people probably think this was my plan all along, to game the system and get paid for several months of not working and then quit. In reality, it was an agonizing decision that I only came to after experiencing panic attacks and breakdowns and realizing that I wasn’t going to be able to return to work. But for a lot of reasons, I think some people don’t give parents (usually moms) on leave a lot of grace or benefit of the doubt.

Ha! You knew from the get go that you planned to game the system I've known too many employees like you and burned too many times.

I will give PP the benefit of the doubt that she didn't know what would happen when she was due to come back from leave, but unfortunately, people like PP do ruin it for the rest of the new parents who need a little more grace in their return to office plans.

No one has ruined anything for anyone except the people posting in this forum about greed and discouraging moms from what they need after baby.

WTH literally no one has told OP to go back to work against her will. No one. She has options - she can quit her job if she doesn’t want to work which is what it sounds like. Most sane people realize employers can’t hold jobs open for moms who don’t want to work.

OP did not say she doesn’t want to work. She said she’s not ready to leave her baby. Which is totally understandable. Some of these comments are literally insane. This country will never move the needle on leave and a better life for parents/families with people like this out there. What a shame.