Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Punishment for what?

Pay for their own bail, pay for the lawyer.

Sibling arguments, chore refusal, refusing to do something for sibling or parent in a time of panic etc

What leverage do you have over them? Do you pay for their car insurance or phone bill? If so, withdraw financial support.

If it keeps up and gets worse, you can ultimately kick them out. Being a respectful, responsible family member is a condition of your providing them, as an adult, with shelter and other resources. If they don’t like those terms and conditions, they’re free to find their own accommodations where they can behave however they like.

Anonymous wrote:They are adults. Time for punishment is over.

Agree

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It should be natural consequences vs punishment. Start seeing it that way and they may learn something.

This.

DD dropped out of college, so we stopped paying her living expenses, and changed the beneficiary on her 529 plan to her younger brother. If she wants to live like an adult, she can pay bills like an adult.

How long has this arrangement been taking place? Is she still at home with you? What is next for her?

Plant some contraband in their bedroom & call the police ?

Demand that the young man/young lady enlist in the Marine Corps.

OR for serious offenses--no video games for a week.

Money is your only real leverage.

I left home at 18 when I was grown. I wish my parents would try and punish me. 🤣 . Time to clip the umbilical cord.

None. If your child is 18, you’ve done your job. Worry about yourself.

Anonymous wrote:None.
You can take away the things that you pay for, however.

This.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At 18 the child had darn well better be paying for his own phone! Jeeez. No wonder we have an "entitlement" generation.

Take away car keys and any allowance you give. It makes me laugh to even say allowance for an adult child.

If your child is in college in 2023, I guarantee the vast majority of their classmates, especially the ones getting 3.8+ GPAs in difficult majors, are having their rent, tuition & food paid for my their parents. If you would prefer to handicap your child, feel free.

And the vast majority are still children when they graduate college, are unable to live on their own, hold a job where they work hard, even drive. This is not an endorsement for paying for a kid's lifestyle.

I don’t know a single kid who moved back home after college (kid graduated in the Spring). This was from a college DCUM hates. They are all living with roommates and paying their own bills in their respective cities.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At 18 the child had darn well better be paying for his own phone! Jeeez. No wonder we have an "entitlement" generation.

Take away car keys and any allowance you give. It makes me laugh to even say allowance for an adult child.

If your child is in college in 2023, I guarantee the vast majority of their classmates, especially the ones getting 3.8+ GPAs in difficult majors, are having their rent, tuition & food paid for my their parents. If you would prefer to handicap your child, feel free.

And the vast majority are still children when they graduate college, are unable to live on their own, hold a job where they work hard, even drive. This is not an endorsement for paying for a kid's lifestyle.

That is not my experience, at all. My kids are 17-25. Sorry you’re surrounded by losers.

Set boundaries and rules. My parents did that. I needed to do xyz or they were not going to support me financially. I choose to get a full time job and an apartment, which was healthier for all of us in the long run and gave us all a better relationship.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Punishment for what?

Pay for their own bail, pay for the lawyer.

Sibling arguments, chore refusal, refusing to do something for sibling or parent in a time of panic etc

Natural consequences of not doing chores might be losing the benefits of others' chores (cooking, cleaning, etc.). Natural consequences of refusal to do something for sibling or parent are refusal to help them in a panic and the expression of disappointment and explanation of the damage they are doing to their relationships. Maybe those consequences won't really become clear for some time, but that's pretty much the most you can do.

Anonymous wrote:It should be natural consequences vs punishment. Start seeing it that way and they may learn something.

This.

DD dropped out of college, so we stopped paying her living expenses, and changed the beneficiary on her 529 plan to her younger brother. If she wants to live like an adult, she can pay bills like an adult.

I don't "punish". I will remind of expectations - reminding daughter that she is part of a family and when she is home she is expected to contribute, clean up after herself etc. I may need to nag but she never outright refuses to do something.

My daughter doesn't have her own car, so if she wants to borrow mine or DH's she needs to be reasonable. She had to drop her younger brother off the other day in order to use the car (because she was leaving me with no car). If she refused then no car to use, that's the punishment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At 18 the child had darn well better be paying for his own phone! Jeeez. No wonder we have an "entitlement" generation.

Take away car keys and any allowance you give. It makes me laugh to even say allowance for an adult child.

If your child is in college in 2023, I guarantee the vast majority of their classmates, especially the ones getting 3.8+ GPAs in difficult majors, are having their rent, tuition & food paid for my their parents. If you would prefer to handicap your child, feel free.

And the vast majority are still children when they graduate college, are unable to live on their own, hold a job where they work hard, even drive. This is not an endorsement for paying for a kid's lifestyle.