Anonymous
Post 04/03/2023 00:51     Subject: Something feels off wwyd?
Anonymous wrote:OP, I hope you can hear this with genuine sincerity, because that is how I intend it: please get some therapy to help with your anxiety.


She’s not anxious. If she were anxious she’d have a whole explanation worked up for the sense of dread she felt and she’d be here looking for validation of that explanation. Instead she is describing her reaction without trying to come up with an explanation. She is not worrying it, like a dog worries a bone.

Another vote for draw no conclusions but heed your intuition. And drop the “bad neighborhood” analysis, ideally from
all of your further thoughts about neighborhoods.
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2023 23:55     Subject: Re:Something feels off wwyd?
I don't think people would have an issue with this minus the "benefit of the doubt" that she so generously gave. I live in a rough part of town and understand that some of my friends won't visit because they are afraid of being shot and while that is overblown because I have lived here for seven years and have yet to be shot, it is in the realm of possibilities. For pedophilia idiot, incest is equally rampant in all income brackets and not because you are poor.

OP don't tell your DD you're giving her friend the "benefit of the doubt" but if you believe there frequent gun violence there and are not comfortable then I think you're okay to tactfully think of reasons she can't join up in the friend's neighborhood.
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2023 23:44     Subject: Something feels off wwyd?
Anonymous wrote:Im usually the first one to cry Snob but I do believe that if something feels off then listen . This is her daughter we’re talking about, she should not be the test case for how correct her intuition is


This. I’m also quick to snap at dcumers for snotty behavior but trust your instincts here.
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2023 23:36     Subject: Re:Something feels off wwyd?
just as for the part where the girl hadn't had friends over before, at our private schools lower income friends rarely have friends over and most socialization happens at upper income kids' houses bc lower income kids are embarrassed abo their houses or they're too small for gatherings
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2023 22:27     Subject: Something feels off wwyd?
Im usually the first one to cry Snob but I do believe that if something feels off then listen . This is her daughter we’re talking about, she should not be the test case for how correct her intuition is
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2023 21:22     Subject: Re:Something feels off wwyd?
OP has your DD given any indication that there are problems in the home that would be a concern? Did you see something specifically that bothered you?

If not, it seems to me you are just discriminating based on income. Not cool at all, and not a good lesson to teach your DD.

She is 12, presumably has a cell phone and knows to call/text if there is an issue, and knows your rules. Right?

If a specific problem occurs then you can reevaluate.

If you would normally require that you meet the girl’s parents before they hang out, then of course that is fine. Perhaps you should do that, to set your mind at ease.
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2023 21:15     Subject: Re:Something feels off wwyd?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is exactly why we don’t invite any school friends over. The judgement. We are considered the poor neighborhood at our extremely high SES Elem school. It’s sad.


For what it's worth, I am middle class and we have LMC and UMC families in our school. I almost ALWAYS prefer my kids hanging out with LMC. Yes, there are sometimes home issues, but my thought is they aren't as well hidden as UMC families. That is the only difference. Nothing irks me more than backstabbing terrible bratty UMC kids who use and step over anyone to get to the top of the ladder. These middle school kids also have issues, but the parents cover them up. I have found that my DD's LMC and some MC friends are more true, honest, and caring.


+1

Exact same situation, and I feel pretty much the same.
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2023 19:36     Subject: Re:Something feels off wwyd?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Read The Gift of Fear. Your intuition is there for a reason; respect it

This exactly. Ignore the racists.


Lol what
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2023 19:21     Subject: Something feels off wwyd?
If at at all possible I would stall a bit before the next visit and aim for it to be at your place. Then stall a bit longer and try another visit at the friends home. Approach the drop off or pick up with an open mind. Have another adult with you to see if they uncomfortable in any way, without you setting them up to think they should be negative.
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2023 19:17     Subject: Something feels off wwyd?
Anonymous wrote:The time I felt a huge sense of discomfort leaving my child at her preschool friend's house, my intuition turned out to be correct, although I didn't learn details until many years later. Trust your intuition.


This. I've been to poor neighborhoods, but don't sense doom. Some local.areas here creep me out for reasons I can't pinpoint because they look "fine." Listen to your intuition, an shave the girl over to your house.
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2023 19:14     Subject: Re:Something feels off wwyd?
Anonymous wrote:Read The Gift of Fear. Your intuition is there for a reason; respect it

This exactly. Ignore the racists.
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2023 19:10     Subject: Something feels off wwyd?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:DD12 has been getting close with a classmate this year, and they hung out for the first time this weekend. The mom picked up from our house and took them out for the afternoon with the plan of us picking up DD from their house later. Everything seemed copacetic at pickup. The mom seemed really nice. The girl is a sweetheart; I’ve interacted with her in passing on one or more of their FaceTimes.

Later at pickup, I got weird really vibes. Not the best neighborhood but I gave them the benefit of the doubt. I can’t explain it, but my intuition senses something off and I just felt the need to flee. I’ve never experienced anything like it before. Without prompt, DD later told me that the friend told her she never has friends over and DD was the first school friend to ever come over.

I would love to have the girl over our house, but I’m not comfortable with DD going over there again. How do we handle this in the event she’s invited over? Is there a tactful way to respond? I have no problem picking the girl up, or the mom taking the girls out like she did, but I don’t feel comfortable with DD going back to their house. Thoughts?


Wow that was really big of you to “give them the benefit of the doubt”. Sounds like the thing that’s pinging your radar is that the family is poor.

The family seems wonderful and I don’t know them well enough to know their situation, but my daughter’s safety comes first and I’m sorry if that’s harsh but I won’t apologize. It’s not like I’m not letting my daughter hang out with the girl. I just don’t feel comfortable with her going over there.


Your post and this comment says everything about you. Rationalize it anyone you want OP. It isn't your intuition. It is they are mutts and you are a pure bred - in your mind. If you rolled up to a McMansion you would be dropping off with barely meeting the parents. It is you, not them. I know you won't see that now. But if you have someone else reread your posts and describe you, you wouldn't like what they would say.

End the friendship. You can't have a one sided relationship. If they end being best friends, you can't hide your terrible judge personality forever. And eventually sadly, your daughter will turn into you anyway. Hopefully she ends up resenting you and grows up to be a decent human being.
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2023 19:06     Subject: Something feels off wwyd?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:DD12 has been getting close with a classmate this year, and they hung out for the first time this weekend. The mom picked up from our house and took them out for the afternoon with the plan of us picking up DD from their house later. Everything seemed copacetic at pickup. The mom seemed really nice. The girl is a sweetheart; I’ve interacted with her in passing on one or more of their FaceTimes.

Later at pickup, I got weird really vibes. Not the best neighborhood but I gave them the benefit of the doubt. I can’t explain it, but my intuition senses something off and I just felt the need to flee. I’ve never experienced anything like it before. Without prompt, DD later told me that the friend told her she never has friends over and DD was the first school friend to ever come over.

I would love to have the girl over our house, but I’m not comfortable with DD going over there again. How do we handle this in the event she’s invited over? Is there a tactful way to respond? I have no problem picking the girl up, or the mom taking the girls out like she did, but I don’t feel comfortable with DD going back to their house. Thoughts?


Wow that was really big of you to “give them the benefit of the doubt”. Sounds like the thing that’s pinging your radar is that the family is poor.


Exactly. I cringed at that statement when I read it as well.
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2023 19:05     Subject: Re:Something feels off wwyd?
Anonymous wrote:This is exactly why we don’t invite any school friends over. The judgement. We are considered the poor neighborhood at our extremely high SES Elem school. It’s sad.


For what it's worth, I am middle class and we have LMC and UMC families in our school. I almost ALWAYS prefer my kids hanging out with LMC. Yes, there are sometimes home issues, but my thought is they aren't as well hidden as UMC families. That is the only difference. Nothing irks me more than backstabbing terrible bratty UMC kids who use and step over anyone to get to the top of the ladder. These middle school kids also have issues, but the parents cover them up. I have found that my DD's LMC and some MC friends are more true, honest, and caring.
Anonymous
Post 04/02/2023 19:01     Subject: Re:Something feels off wwyd?
Anonymous wrote:My very first thought

long ago I had a friend that said she only let her daughter go to rich people's houses because rich people aren't pedophiles.

Be honest. Just say you are uncomfortable with your daughter going to someone's house. I personally never let my children go to other people's houses. I know what goes on in my house. I don't know what goes on at anyone else's house.


If everyone thought the same of you, no one would ever go over anyone else's house. Time to calm down helicopter LOL