Anonymous wrote:the fact the perpetrator is not suing for slander or libel should make people believe you. There are probably more victims, don’t think you’re special to the perpetrator!

The perpetrator is a vulnerable narcissist who will perform victimhood when confronted. I think there are more victims but I also think many of them are stuck in a cycle of protecting this person because they are so good at soliciting that protection even from people they have harmed. I know because I went through it -- it took me years to work through this and get to the point where I could vocalize what had happened, and even when I did it, I felt guilty about how it would impact them because they are so good at what they do.

The fact that this person has no defense or explanation for what happened, but just choose to deflect or attack me, should in fact tell everyone what they need to know. And yet, all those people have fallen in line and protected them. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about.

Have you considered pet therapy? Spend an afternoon caring for a horse at a therapy ranch or work with abused animals in a shelter?

the fact the perpetrator is not suing for slander or libel should make people believe you. There are probably more victims, don’t think you’re special to the perpetrator!

I'm sorry, OP. I understand how you feel, and I understand your frustration with some of the PPs.
Life is terribly unfair.
I like to imagine that our souls get multiple chances at life, and while the person to whom my soul currently belongs is suffering, the next one might be luckier. I'm not a religious or spiritual person, but believing this makes life more bearable.

OP have you looked into victims' recovery groups? It might help you to talk about this with people who have been where you are.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This person is not worth the energy you are putting into your anger.

And that anger is giving this person a prime spot, THE prime spot, in your mental real estate, OP. In essence this person is, to put it crudely, "winning" against you, even after the abuse is long over, by taking up so much of your emotional and mental time and energy.

For those reasons, this stranger is begging you to get back into therapy, or, if you're still in therapy, to tell your therapist more fully exactly what you told us here. Maybe change therapists if you have one but for some reason aren't being this frank with the therapist as you are anonymously here. We can advise all day, and you'll get posts asking you for more and more details here "so we can help you better" etc. (often these come from people who just get kicks out of all the gory details--don't feed those beasts). But you need to see a professional to evict this person from your mind. Your life is being impaired and that gives this person power over you. I won't say, "Just stop giving this person power over you" becuase it is so hard to do that on one's own. See a new therapist, or tell your current one your whole, raw, angry truth, or restart therapy if you've stopped it, but you need help to take back your life and thoughts. You deserve to have your true self back and that cannot happen with just venting to strangers online. Please, please get help.

You don't get it. My therapist knows I feel this way. Have you ever been through this? If not, you don't get it.

And yes, I'm aware that this person is winning, that they have won. That's the whole point. No matter what I do I can never get back what they took.

Also, I'm not sharing any details here, I'm not stupid.

Allow yourself to feel this anger. You should be angry. Cry as often and as much as you need. At the anniversary, of course you will feel keenly distressed. Can you think of anything that would bring you peace regarding what happened? Sone might not like this, but is there any revenge you can obtain? Having been traumatized myself, I know the feeling of helplessness you may feel along with anger. The high road sucks, imo, but I have no means for getting revenge and I don't want to go to prison. Imagining getting back at the person who harmed me is sometimes comforting.

Imagining revenge always makes me feel worse. Because any revenge I took would turn them into a victim. And then people would support them and blame me (which is what they did when I actually was the victim!). Knowing this destroys me.

The truth is that the person who hurt me has high status and social protection and I do not and there is nothing I could do to reverse that situation. Any action I took would only serve to make me look weaker than I am.

Have you tried to find a physical outlet for your anger? When I was first treated for ptsd, I took up boxing. The physical activity helped funnel out a lot of my frustration and learning to box made me feel strong and it built my confidence. Perhaps there is some activity, some hobby, some outlet you can find which will give you a break from thinking about your experience, even if only for an hour. You could build on those neutral times and extend them. Think of something outside the box. For me, a lazy, out of shape loner, boxing was such a vast change that it helped pull me away from my troubles. I still suffer, but I have more peace than pain.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:YOu should tell on them!

I think thats the problem, you are keeping their secret - and why?

Write a letter, see a lawyer, sue them.

I didn't keep their secret. I told on them and it was dismissed. I can't go into details but it is a huge part of why I am so angry. A lot of people chose to turn their heads away rather than deal with what someone close to them did. This event destroyed many relationships and changed my life forever.

If you truly have nothing to lose (like you lost all your former friendships, colleagues you trusted, etc) why not go nuclear on the person who hurt you?
Like actively search ways to ruin the abuser's career or reputation, anything that will be an unexpected blow in general. Whether or not you act on the things you have learned, at least your time is not wasted just 'thinking' about a past incident.

I will not be believed and I of course have things to lose, like my kids and my own freaking sanity, tenuous as it is. Trying to bring this person to justice is a black hole that already almost killed me, I'm not doing it again.

Anonymous wrote:This thread has shown me how completely uncomfortable people are with feelings. So many reactions are "just stop". Op, I wish I were your friend and could help shoulder your pain and be angry with you. Do you think that you changed anyone's perception of that guy when you spoke out? Did anyone have similar feelings or experiences about him?

OP here and thank you, I appreciate it.

Sometimes I think I might have opened some people's eyes. I don't know. I got so little support (and a lot of side eye and reprobation) and was in such a dark, low place, that for my own well being I just walked away and burned those bridges. There was a period of time when it was like I was trying to convince people who I had considered longtime friends that what had happened had in fact happened, and that process was so demoralizing that I realized I had to cut my losses and get out or I would wind up hurting myself in some irrevocable way. I was tired of trying to persuade people of my own experiences and still have them dismiss them or say stuff like "you must of misunderstood" about things that it is not actually possible to misunderstand (like physical abuse).

People will blindfold themselves to the truth if it helps them avoid a single hard conversation or decision, or in any way threatens their comfort. They'll defend and protect an abuser. It happens all the time. All. The. Time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:YOu should tell on them!

I think thats the problem, you are keeping their secret - and why?

Write a letter, see a lawyer, sue them.

I didn't keep their secret. I told on them and it was dismissed. I can't go into details but it is a huge part of why I am so angry. A lot of people chose to turn their heads away rather than deal with what someone close to them did. This event destroyed many relationships and changed my life forever.

If you truly have nothing to lose (like you lost all your former friendships, colleagues you trusted, etc) why not go nuclear on the person who hurt you?
Like actively search ways to ruin the abuser's career or reputation, anything that will be an unexpected blow in general. Whether or not you act on the things you have learned, at least your time is not wasted just 'thinking' about a past incident.

This thread has shown me how completely uncomfortable people are with feelings. So many reactions are "just stop". Op, I wish I were your friend and could help shoulder your pain and be angry with you. Do you think that you changed anyone's perception of that guy when you spoke out? Did anyone have similar feelings or experiences about him?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This person is not worth the energy you are putting into your anger.

And that anger is giving this person a prime spot, THE prime spot, in your mental real estate, OP. In essence this person is, to put it crudely, "winning" against you, even after the abuse is long over, by taking up so much of your emotional and mental time and energy.

For those reasons, this stranger is begging you to get back into therapy, or, if you're still in therapy, to tell your therapist more fully exactly what you told us here. Maybe change therapists if you have one but for some reason aren't being this frank with the therapist as you are anonymously here. We can advise all day, and you'll get posts asking you for more and more details here "so we can help you better" etc. (often these come from people who just get kicks out of all the gory details--don't feed those beasts). But you need to see a professional to evict this person from your mind. Your life is being impaired and that gives this person power over you. I won't say, "Just stop giving this person power over you" becuase it is so hard to do that on one's own. See a new therapist, or tell your current one your whole, raw, angry truth, or restart therapy if you've stopped it, but you need help to take back your life and thoughts. You deserve to have your true self back and that cannot happen with just venting to strangers online. Please, please get help.

You don't get it. My therapist knows I feel this way. Have you ever been through this? If not, you don't get it.

And yes, I'm aware that this person is winning, that they have won. That's the whole point. No matter what I do I can never get back what they took.

Also, I'm not sharing any details here, I'm not stupid.

Allow yourself to feel this anger. You should be angry. Cry as often and as much as you need. At the anniversary, of course you will feel keenly distressed. Can you think of anything that would bring you peace regarding what happened? Sone might not like this, but is there any revenge you can obtain? Having been traumatized myself, I know the feeling of helplessness you may feel along with anger. The high road sucks, imo, but I have no means for getting revenge and I don't want to go to prison. Imagining getting back at the person who harmed me is sometimes comforting.

Imagining revenge always makes me feel worse. Because any revenge I took would turn them into a victim. And then people would support them and blame me (which is what they did when I actually was the victim!). Knowing this destroys me.

The truth is that the person who hurt me has high status and social protection and I do not and there is nothing I could do to reverse that situation. Any action I took would only serve to make me look weaker than I am.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This person is not worth the energy you are putting into your anger.

And that anger is giving this person a prime spot, THE prime spot, in your mental real estate, OP. In essence this person is, to put it crudely, "winning" against you, even after the abuse is long over, by taking up so much of your emotional and mental time and energy.

For those reasons, this stranger is begging you to get back into therapy, or, if you're still in therapy, to tell your therapist more fully exactly what you told us here. Maybe change therapists if you have one but for some reason aren't being this frank with the therapist as you are anonymously here. We can advise all day, and you'll get posts asking you for more and more details here "so we can help you better" etc. (often these come from people who just get kicks out of all the gory details--don't feed those beasts). But you need to see a professional to evict this person from your mind. Your life is being impaired and that gives this person power over you. I won't say, "Just stop giving this person power over you" becuase it is so hard to do that on one's own. See a new therapist, or tell your current one your whole, raw, angry truth, or restart therapy if you've stopped it, but you need help to take back your life and thoughts. You deserve to have your true self back and that cannot happen with just venting to strangers online. Please, please get help.

You don't get it. My therapist knows I feel this way. Have you ever been through this? If not, you don't get it.

And yes, I'm aware that this person is winning, that they have won. That's the whole point. No matter what I do I can never get back what they took.

Also, I'm not sharing any details here, I'm not stupid.

Allow yourself to feel this anger. You should be angry. Cry as often and as much as you need. At the anniversary, of course you will feel keenly distressed. Can you think of anything that would bring you peace regarding what happened? Sone might not like this, but is there any revenge you can obtain? Having been traumatized myself, I know the feeling of helplessness you may feel along with anger. The high road sucks, imo, but I have no means for getting revenge and I don't want to go to prison. Imagining getting back at the person who harmed me is sometimes comforting.

Anonymous wrote:You have made your whole identity a victim. Some people only know how to be miserable. You are making a choice.

I hope you never experience anything that would make you realize how dumb this statement is.

If you met me, you'd assume I was a relatively happy, highly functional working mom with a good life outlook and a nice family. No one in my life thinks I have a "victim identity". People are so afraid of "victim identity" that they cannot deal with the fact that some harm is deep and lasting and hard, if not impossible to get over, so those of us who are survivors of that kind of harm have to walk around acting "normal" or be labeled a "victim" and treated like garbage all over again.

Anonymous wrote:I see this enough to agree that the world is unjust (in many other ways too). It's often the people who bring in discord, drama, gossip and take advantage of others that go on content and happily living consequence free. Their victims struggle in silence and shame despite never asking for any of it.

This is so true, and it's so sad.
And it's why I never assume that the odd one out of a group is the problem. (Stupid example, but the best one I can come up with off the top of my head is the SATC feud between Sarah Jessica Parker and Kim Catrall).

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes when something is really triggering, it's because it is causing you to need to look at an aspect of yourself that you don't want to examine.

I feel bad that you feel so bad, but could it be that this other person brought forth something with a kernel of truth that you would rather avoid? I say this, because this is true for me. When I am maddest, it's often because I don't want to examine the whole picture.

I'm sorry if I seem like I'm just dismissing stuff here but y'all do not get it. Of course there are hard truths about me. But I freaking confront them. I have a history of being co-dependent. I struggle with people-pleasing. I have a history of depression and anxiety. I sometimes give up when things are hard. I'm a flawed human like all people.

The whole point is that when this person abused me and I tried to hold them accountable, they responded by pointing all this crap out about me in a public way, as a way to distract from and explain away their behavior. They made me look crazy and unreliable because it was their escape hatch, and it worked because it made people discount the truth things I was saying, and it also made me feel so worthless that I did not proceed with other options (law suit, criminal charges) because I knew it would just be more of this, more of my name in the mud, and I couldn't take it and I couldn't put my family through that. I didn't want to be called crazy and unstable (I was unstable, I had PTSD and was self-harming because THIS PERSON ABUSED ME).

Like I know you think you are raising something I haven't already thought of and discussed ad nauseam in therapy. But in reality you are just pointing out another aspect of this crap situation that make me really, really angry.

I'm not avoiding anything. All I do is confront my weaknesses and flaws in an attempt to recover from this tire fire of a life event. The only person hiding from the truth is the person who abused me and got away with it.