Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see a number of post where people say they are waiting a couple years for kids to get older before divorcing, but my understanding was the younger they are the less emotional disorders they end up having b/c of the divorce. Does any have good research papers etc that support older is better for divorce? Excluding your kids being 20+ adults when you divorce.

Best? Never.

For parents who care about their children, this is the best response, unless there’s physical abuse.
Perhaps learn why your marriage is on the rocks, and teach your children to be better people and how to make better life choices.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Certain studies have shown that daughters of divorced parents have a 60 percent higher divorce rate in marriages than children of non-divorced parents while sons have a 35 percent higher rate.

Research shows that children of divorce are more likely to experience a divorce themselves. Personal skills theory and commitment and confidence theory are two dominant theories to explain this increased divorce risk.

It's definitely having some effect. Some families have legacies of divorce. Nearly every marriage down the line ends in divorce. I know families where the parents divorced and every single one of the children's marriages ultimately ended in divorce too.

The confidence and commitment theory states that children observing and experiencing their parents’ divorce leads to a reduced commitment to the institution of marriage and lower confidence in the ability of marriages to remain intact long-term. Considerable research supports this finding. Divorce researcher Judith Wallerstein explains the phenomenon this way: “...at young adulthood when love, sexual intimacy, commitment and marriage take center stage, children of divorce are haunted by the ghosts of their parents’ divorce and terrified that the same fate awaits them” (Wallerstein, 2005, p. 409). Interestingly, the finding breaks down by sex. One study found that while engaged women whose parents divorced reported lowered relationship commitment and reduced confidence in their own upcoming marriages, the same was not true for men. Researchers note that “experiencing a parental divorce appears to have a stronger impact on women’s than men’s desires and beliefs about the future of their own marriages” (Whitton, 2009, p.4). Women’s lack of confidence in marriage leads to higher divorce rates.

Children of divorce are at risk of responding to their fear of divorce in one of two ways. Some dive headlong into inappropriate, unformed relationships as a counter-phobic response to their fears. Others avoid relationships altogether, and when in relationships, maintain a mindset akin to waiting for the other shoe to drop. They struggle to believe in the strength of relationships to weather difficult stretches, and many arrive ill-equipped to address a relationship’s most potent challenges

Good for them! Single women live longer and healthier lives, there are studies about that too.

Please advise your daughter never to marry then.

Why not, if they find a true partner, a marriage can be great. But I do advise them not to put up with crap for the sake of "commitment to the institution of marriage".

Anonymous wrote:I see a number of post where people say they are waiting a couple years for kids to get older before divorcing, but my understanding was the younger they are the less emotional disorders they end up having b/c of the divorce. Does any have good research papers etc that support older is better for divorce? Excluding your kids being 20+ adults when you divorce.

Best? Never.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Certain studies have shown that daughters of divorced parents have a 60 percent higher divorce rate in marriages than children of non-divorced parents while sons have a 35 percent higher rate.

Research shows that children of divorce are more likely to experience a divorce themselves. Personal skills theory and commitment and confidence theory are two dominant theories to explain this increased divorce risk.

It's definitely having some effect. Some families have legacies of divorce. Nearly every marriage down the line ends in divorce. I know families where the parents divorced and every single one of the children's marriages ultimately ended in divorce too.

The confidence and commitment theory states that children observing and experiencing their parents’ divorce leads to a reduced commitment to the institution of marriage and lower confidence in the ability of marriages to remain intact long-term. Considerable research supports this finding. Divorce researcher Judith Wallerstein explains the phenomenon this way: “...at young adulthood when love, sexual intimacy, commitment and marriage take center stage, children of divorce are haunted by the ghosts of their parents’ divorce and terrified that the same fate awaits them” (Wallerstein, 2005, p. 409). Interestingly, the finding breaks down by sex. One study found that while engaged women whose parents divorced reported lowered relationship commitment and reduced confidence in their own upcoming marriages, the same was not true for men. Researchers note that “experiencing a parental divorce appears to have a stronger impact on women’s than men’s desires and beliefs about the future of their own marriages” (Whitton, 2009, p.4). Women’s lack of confidence in marriage leads to higher divorce rates.

Children of divorce are at risk of responding to their fear of divorce in one of two ways. Some dive headlong into inappropriate, unformed relationships as a counter-phobic response to their fears. Others avoid relationships altogether, and when in relationships, maintain a mindset akin to waiting for the other shoe to drop. They struggle to believe in the strength of relationships to weather difficult stretches, and many arrive ill-equipped to address a relationship’s most potent challenges

Good for them! Single women live longer and healthier lives, there are studies about that too.

Please advise your daughter never to marry then.

Anonymous wrote:Certain studies have shown that daughters of divorced parents have a 60 percent higher divorce rate in marriages than children of non-divorced parents while sons have a 35 percent higher rate.

Research shows that children of divorce are more likely to experience a divorce themselves. Personal skills theory and commitment and confidence theory are two dominant theories to explain this increased divorce risk.

It's definitely having some effect. Some families have legacies of divorce. Nearly every marriage down the line ends in divorce. I know families where the parents divorced and every single one of the children's marriages ultimately ended in divorce too.

The confidence and commitment theory states that children observing and experiencing their parents’ divorce leads to a reduced commitment to the institution of marriage and lower confidence in the ability of marriages to remain intact long-term. Considerable research supports this finding. Divorce researcher Judith Wallerstein explains the phenomenon this way: “...at young adulthood when love, sexual intimacy, commitment and marriage take center stage, children of divorce are haunted by the ghosts of their parents’ divorce and terrified that the same fate awaits them” (Wallerstein, 2005, p. 409). Interestingly, the finding breaks down by sex. One study found that while engaged women whose parents divorced reported lowered relationship commitment and reduced confidence in their own upcoming marriages, the same was not true for men. Researchers note that “experiencing a parental divorce appears to have a stronger impact on women’s than men’s desires and beliefs about the future of their own marriages” (Whitton, 2009, p.4). Women’s lack of confidence in marriage leads to higher divorce rates.

Children of divorce are at risk of responding to their fear of divorce in one of two ways. Some dive headlong into inappropriate, unformed relationships as a counter-phobic response to their fears. Others avoid relationships altogether, and when in relationships, maintain a mindset akin to waiting for the other shoe to drop. They struggle to believe in the strength of relationships to weather difficult stretches, and many arrive ill-equipped to address a relationship’s most potent challenges

Good for them! Single women live longer and healthier lives, there are studies about that too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The younger the better. Any time between about 7 and 25 is bad. Middle school or close to it (ages 10 to 15) is a total disaster and you are risking severe psychological consequences

research please?

it is MUCH more common to hear adults say they wished their parents had not stayed togethe, than that they wish they had not divorced.

But they don’t have the opposite situation to compare it to. They may think they wish their parents divorced, but how do they really know what it’s like?

Yet every movie and show about divorce us the kids wishing or hoping the parents would get back together.

Every movie where a couple is relaxing in bed shows them using one of those L shaped blankets where the woman is covered up to her armpits, but the man is covered only to his waist; I am sure they are sold in every store in US.

According to research carried out at the University College London, children are more likely to experience behavioral and emotional problems if their parents divorce when the child is between the ages of seven and 14. As children of divorce statistics reveal, there is a 16% increase in behavioral and emotional problems in this age bracket when compared to other ages.

The fact that suicidal thoughts are considerably more widespread among minors from broken homes is one of the most worrying effects of divorce on children. Now, this does not mean that you should stay with someone you no longer love because of an increased risk of suicide for your children. What it does mean, though, is that you need to account for the risk and take additional notice of your child’s behavior if you observe any changes, however slight they may be.

It can be beneficial for children of divorce to see a therapist during this exasperating period to help them understand the situation and talk to someone who is not directly involved in the marriage breakdown.

Children of divorce are more likely to have mental health issues, physical health problems, and behavioral problems. There are a number of divorced parent statistics that uphold this observation. In fact, teenagers with divorced parents are a lot more likely to experience mental health problems that require medication, counseling, or both.

According to research published in the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, teenagers with divorced parents are about three times as likely to require counseling over the course of a year.

Overall, kids that come from broken homes tend to experience more speech issues, as well as headaches, asthma, illnesses, and injuries.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The younger the better. Any time between about 7 and 25 is bad. Middle school or close to it (ages 10 to 15) is a total disaster and you are risking severe psychological consequences

Yeah, sorry, that's not backed up by data at all

Lol there are no “scientific” conclusory facts about these things, selection bias is far too great for “data” to tell you much. People are still arguing about whether the “data” tells you divorce is even bad for kids! (It is). You have to use your observational skills and knowledge about the world

I'm sorry, you seem really uneducated about the sciences. There is in fact tons of research that looks at the impacts of divorce. There is plenty of scientific quantitative and qualitative data over decades, and most of it clearly shows that the majority of children of divorce do not suffer severe long term impacts. It's pretty clear. I'm sorry you don't know what research is in this field.

I’m a PhD social scientist who is very familiar with this research. It is highly inconclusive because it is impossible to adjust for the numerous differences between families who divorce and families who do not. The simple correlations show that divorce is a disaster for kids - worse than the death of a parent, one of the worst things that can happen. On average children of divorced families perform much worse in almost every dimension of life than children from intact families. However the preexisting differences between families who divorce and families who don’t are so great that it’s very difficult verging on impossible to tell what would have happened to those kids had their parents stayed together. It’s for this reason that one shouldn’t expect the “data” to magically answer this question.

My own interpretation of the weight of the evidence is that it’s likely divorce is pretty bad for kids - if you look at the large absolute disadvantages associated with being a child of divorced parents, even for kids from otherwise advantaged families, it’s hard to imagine it’s all a selection bias. In addition common sense and the testimony of children of divorce supports this view. But the impact of divorce is probably pretty heterogenous across individual families. Ironically (or perhaps not) there’s evidence that it’s children from families who were already most disadvantaged / high risk who probably suffer least from divorce

Interesting. I agree with you that the data is highly inconclusive because of pre-existing differences, but I came to the opposite conclusions. I think that lots of divorces in the past happened because of people having certain traits that are now understood to be mental health issues, and those have a genetic components. So, if your dad was that charming guy who could never keep a job, made impulsive decisions, and there was some level of alcoholism in the mix, you are likely to have some struggles in your life as well.

Anonymous wrote:Certain studies have shown that daughters of divorced parents have a 60 percent higher divorce rate in marriages than children of non-divorced parents while sons have a 35 percent higher rate.

Research shows that children of divorce are more likely to experience a divorce themselves. Personal skills theory and commitment and confidence theory are two dominant theories to explain this increased divorce risk.

It's definitely having some effect. Some families have legacies of divorce. Nearly every marriage down the line ends in divorce. I know families where the parents divorced and every single one of the children's marriages ultimately ended in divorce too.

The confidence and commitment theory states that children observing and experiencing their parents’ divorce leads to a reduced commitment to the institution of marriage and lower confidence in the ability of marriages to remain intact long-term. Considerable research supports this finding. Divorce researcher Judith Wallerstein explains the phenomenon this way: “...at young adulthood when love, sexual intimacy, commitment and marriage take center stage, children of divorce are haunted by the ghosts of their parents’ divorce and terrified that the same fate awaits them” (Wallerstein, 2005, p. 409). Interestingly, the finding breaks down by sex. One study found that while engaged women whose parents divorced reported lowered relationship commitment and reduced confidence in their own upcoming marriages, the same was not true for men. Researchers note that “experiencing a parental divorce appears to have a stronger impact on women’s than men’s desires and beliefs about the future of their own marriages” (Whitton, 2009, p.4). Women’s lack of confidence in marriage leads to higher divorce rates.

Children of divorce are at risk of responding to their fear of divorce in one of two ways. Some dive headlong into inappropriate, unformed relationships as a counter-phobic response to their fears. Others avoid relationships altogether, and when in relationships, maintain a mindset akin to waiting for the other shoe to drop. They struggle to believe in the strength of relationships to weather difficult stretches, and many arrive ill-equipped to address a relationship’s most potent challenges

The bolded is the effect I see the most and the most I read about on this forum. What long time marriage is like and the natural ups and downs over the course of a lifetime is not understood by those who see the 'bail' at first bit of roughness model. They see the 'here and now' as a referendum on how it is going to be forever instead of the rationale that this is a normal life stage, people change and how to work through it. They also have unhealthy coping mechanisms a lot of the time and will mirror the parents' infidelity/affairs or substance abuse because they haven't learned how to cope or developed the skills to communicate.

IMHO, kids do the best when parents stay together *if* the parents do not behave in toxic ways. If there’s no form of abuse (physical, mental, substance, financial), and you can remain respectful, cordial and cooperative even though you no longer love each other, your kids are better off with your staying together. If there is toxic behavior (abuse, fighting, open contempt, undermining each other, putting the kids in the middle), then your kids are better off if you don’t stay together.

Certain studies have shown that daughters of divorced parents have a 60 percent higher divorce rate in marriages than children of non-divorced parents while sons have a 35 percent higher rate.

Research shows that children of divorce are more likely to experience a divorce themselves. Personal skills theory and commitment and confidence theory are two dominant theories to explain this increased divorce risk.

It's definitely having some effect. Some families have legacies of divorce. Nearly every marriage down the line ends in divorce. I know families where the parents divorced and every single one of the children's marriages ultimately ended in divorce too.

The confidence and commitment theory states that children observing and experiencing their parents’ divorce leads to a reduced commitment to the institution of marriage and lower confidence in the ability of marriages to remain intact long-term. Considerable research supports this finding. Divorce researcher Judith Wallerstein explains the phenomenon this way: “...at young adulthood when love, sexual intimacy, commitment and marriage take center stage, children of divorce are haunted by the ghosts of their parents’ divorce and terrified that the same fate awaits them” (Wallerstein, 2005, p. 409). Interestingly, the finding breaks down by sex. One study found that while engaged women whose parents divorced reported lowered relationship commitment and reduced confidence in their own upcoming marriages, the same was not true for men. Researchers note that “experiencing a parental divorce appears to have a stronger impact on women’s than men’s desires and beliefs about the future of their own marriages” (Whitton, 2009, p.4). Women’s lack of confidence in marriage leads to higher divorce rates.

Children of divorce are at risk of responding to their fear of divorce in one of two ways. Some dive headlong into inappropriate, unformed relationships as a counter-phobic response to their fears. Others avoid relationships altogether, and when in relationships, maintain a mindset akin to waiting for the other shoe to drop. They struggle to believe in the strength of relationships to weather difficult stretches, and many arrive ill-equipped to address a relationship’s most potent challenges

Anonymous wrote:18 right as they go away to school. They will almost forget because they have so much going on right in front of them day to day. The only painful reminder will be holidays. My parents did it when I was 17, and that last year of high school was awkward. Also, the great thing about going away to school is it gives your kid the opportunity to stay and take summer and winter classes. That way they really don't have to deal with it until they graduate... Yeah I did that.

Everyone is different but I am a college professor and the is absolutely not my observation in talking with students. It has been incredibly destabilizing and distracting for the students who talk to me about it.

IMO, the question to be asking is, if I’m certain divorce is going to happen, when/how can it be done in the most stable way for the child/ren— financially (including the domino effect of loss related to financial changes), emotionally (including how can I draw on all possible resources to stay emotionally regulated and bring my best parenting regardless of what’s going on with the other parent).

Anonymous wrote:18 right as they go away to school. They will almost forget because they have so much going on right in front of them day to day. The only painful reminder will be holidays. My parents did it when I was 17, and that last year of high school was awkward. Also, the great thing about going away to school is it gives your kid the opportunity to stay and take summer and winter classes. That way they really don't have to deal with it until they graduate... Yeah I did that.

That is a terrible time to divorce. Your child is adjusting to a major life change as it is, they don’t need the added stress of having to balance their parents’ divorce. The child will also carry the burden of knowing you stuck around in a bad marriage because of them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The younger the better. Any time between about 7 and 25 is bad. Middle school or close to it (ages 10 to 15) is a total disaster and you are risking severe psychological consequences

research please?

it is MUCH more common to hear adults say they wished their parents had not stayed togethe, than that they wish they had not divorced.

But they don’t have the opposite situation to compare it to. They may think they wish their parents divorced, but how do they really know what it’s like?

Yet every movie and show about divorce us the kids wishing or hoping the parents would get back together.