Anonymous
Post 03/04/2023 09:20     Subject: Re:I feel guilty that I don’t want to SAH
Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAH and you should definitely not do it if you don’t want to, you will hate it. It’s both leisurely and incredibly grinding. The kids are fine either way, completely fine.

I’m of the opinion that taking care of small children is a 2 to 3 shift job, so even if you SAHM you need some childcare to be happy and balanced which makes it even more expensive. People often think oh, well, I’m already doing that many shifts so I would just trade my current work one for childcare and it would be the same. It kind of is but you lose certain things you might be getting from your work time (like time away from your children, speaking to adults, stimulating projects (at least sometimes), sense of accomplishment).


I WOH and feel guilty about it (it's not a choice though, we couldn't live without my salary) and I appreciate this answer. I think your last sentence rings very true for me - I feel like I am putting in a childcare shift every day (3:30-9:30, definitely not as long as a SAHM) but the variety of what I do at work is good for me.

I think parent at home until 3 probably is best for kids from what I've read, but our society is just not set up to support that in so many ways.
Anonymous
Post 03/04/2023 09:05     Subject: Re:I feel guilty that I don’t want to SAH
“I don’t want to” is a perfectly valid reason to not SAHM.
Anonymous
Post 03/04/2023 06:50     Subject: Re:I feel guilty that I don’t want to SAH
I have not figured any of this out having now been a SAHM but one thing I’m a lot more confident about now having spent so much time around my kids and their peers is that the kids are fine either way. Happy healthy a SAHM kids, nanny kids, daycare kids. If there are correlated differences I don’t think the SAHM is the causative factor.

I do think the 3m maternity leave is really hard on parents. People seem much less stressed if they can cobble together 6 months (including switching parents halfway). But after 6m I think it’s considerably easier.
Anonymous
Post 03/04/2023 06:43     Subject: Re:I feel guilty that I don’t want to SAH
Totally not, OP. It's a gift to love one's job! And you'll be modeling that to your kids! You want to give them permission to work or stay at home, too!
Anonymous
Post 03/03/2023 22:42     Subject: I feel guilty that I don’t want to SAH
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Not one person has mentioned what’s in the best interest of the kids?


Because its not about the kids. Its about how to have all the things they want AND kids. The whole "men don't feel bad" is such a red herring. Not feeling much concern about how your kids are being raised shouldn't be the baseline. I mean all these people want the joy of kids but none of the work or sacrifice. Should men do more? Sure, but just because most men don't do enough doesn't mean someone doesn't need to put the kids first.


What a moron. Have you ever met a parent, working or otherwise??


Everything in her post is about what she does and doesn't want. The well being of the kids is an afterthought at best. Given that, I think she should go to work and less of her IS probably better for the kids.


Oh, hush. You're just agitating and you know it. Of course she cares about the well being of her kids, why else would she even be thinking through this?


All the words and the only thing about the kids is “would that be and for them?” She doesn’t want to and she’s rightfully feeling bad about that so she’s coming here looking for someone to give her words to assuage her guilt. Stop with the wishy washy nonsense. Make your choice and own it.


Must be nice to be such a black and white thinker
Anonymous
Post 03/03/2023 12:44     Subject: I feel guilty that I don’t want to SAH
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Not one person has mentioned what’s in the best interest of the kids?


Because its not about the kids. Its about how to have all the things they want AND kids. The whole "men don't feel bad" is such a red herring. Not feeling much concern about how your kids are being raised shouldn't be the baseline. I mean all these people want the joy of kids but none of the work or sacrifice. Should men do more? Sure, but just because most men don't do enough doesn't mean someone doesn't need to put the kids first.


What a moron. Have you ever met a parent, working or otherwise??


Everything in her post is about what she does and doesn't want. The well being of the kids is an afterthought at best. Given that, I think she should go to work and less of her IS probably better for the kids.


Oh, hush. You're just agitating and you know it. Of course she cares about the well being of her kids, why else would she even be thinking through this?


All the words and the only thing about the kids is “would that be and for them?” She doesn’t want to and she’s rightfully feeling bad about that so she’s coming here looking for someone to give her words to assuage her guilt. Stop with the wishy washy nonsense. Make your choice and own it.
Anonymous
Post 03/03/2023 11:38     Subject: Re:I feel guilty that I don’t want to SAH
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I feel guilty for wanting to SAH. I work but wish I could just focus on being a mom, and I feel a bit guilty about that because I feel like I'm "supposed" to want to work. Also people are so condescending about a lot of parenting tasks, like "ok I'll do it if I have to but ugh." And I actually enjoy a lot of those things.

Also we need the money so I feel guilty that a big part of me wishes that I could afford to just stay home. But I do.


Don't feel guilty either of you. Another current SAHM who doesn't want to go back to work because I know that I will be doing a new job plus all my old ones. But money is nice and I worry about my husband's healt and need to have a way to support our kids if he dies. Yes, those are the big thoughts in the back of my brain.


I hope your husband is ok.
Anonymous
Post 03/03/2023 11:35     Subject: Re:I feel guilty that I don’t want to SAH
Anonymous wrote:No, you should not feel guilty. I have never understood the SAH vs WOH/WAH debate because everyone's circumstances are different. It's like saying all women should have one career option--that's crazy.

The important thing is that you are happy with the choice you make. I know a lot of SAHMs who wish they could go back to work and vice versa. And they are miserable and it shows. But those who are truly happy parents, no matter what their work situation, are happy because they were able to create the life, the career, the balance that works for them. That is what you need to do OP.


Thank you for this marvelous answer.

I concur completely with the above, OP, and I'm someone who was always torn! I love my career and worked hard to get where I am, but when my kids were babies and toddlers, I ached to be able to stay home with them. It wasn't in the cards for me, but we just did the best we could and we have a happy family.

Don't feel guilty. Just do what the PP above suggests, find the balance that works for your family. A stable home with loving parents/guardians are what kids need, and both working and SAH people can fill that role.
Anonymous
Post 03/03/2023 11:35     Subject: I feel guilty that I don’t want to SAH
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Not one person has mentioned what’s in the best interest of the kids?


Because its not about the kids. Its about how to have all the things they want AND kids. The whole "men don't feel bad" is such a red herring. Not feeling much concern about how your kids are being raised shouldn't be the baseline. I mean all these people want the joy of kids but none of the work or sacrifice. Should men do more? Sure, but just because most men don't do enough doesn't mean someone doesn't need to put the kids first.


What a moron. Have you ever met a parent, working or otherwise??


Everything in her post is about what she does and doesn't want. The well being of the kids is an afterthought at best. Given that, I think she should go to work and less of her IS probably better for the kids.


Oh, hush. You're just agitating and you know it. Of course she cares about the well being of her kids, why else would she even be thinking through this?
Anonymous
Post 03/03/2023 11:33     Subject: I feel guilty that I don’t want to SAH
My plan was always for kids to be in daycare and for me to continue to work full time, just from a purely practical standpoint. But once I actually had kids, turns out I MUCH prefer work over the drudgery of daily childcare. And my kids loved daycare, so it was a win win. So in a way, I was lucky it made financial sense for me to keep working! NO GUILT over here. I don't want or need to SAH and I own that.
Anonymous
Post 03/03/2023 11:26     Subject: I feel guilty that I don’t want to SAH
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Not one person has mentioned what’s in the best interest of the kids?


Because its not about the kids. Its about how to have all the things they want AND kids. The whole "men don't feel bad" is such a red herring. Not feeling much concern about how your kids are being raised shouldn't be the baseline. I mean all these people want the joy of kids but none of the work or sacrifice. Should men do more? Sure, but just because most men don't do enough doesn't mean someone doesn't need to put the kids first.


What a moron. Have you ever met a parent, working or otherwise??


Everything in her post is about what she does and doesn't want. The well being of the kids is an afterthought at best. Given that, I think she should go to work and less of her IS probably better for the kids.
Anonymous
Post 03/02/2023 20:14     Subject: I feel guilty that I don’t want to SAH
You’re fine, OP. People are different!
Anonymous
Post 03/02/2023 20:13     Subject: Re:I feel guilty that I don’t want to SAH
OP, you sound a lot like me. I've kept working and while some days of course I wish I could just not go to work, I'm still glad I chose to do so.
Anonymous
Post 03/02/2023 19:56     Subject: I feel guilty that I don’t want to SAH
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Not one person has mentioned what’s in the best interest of the kids?


Because its not about the kids. Its about how to have all the things they want AND kids. The whole "men don't feel bad" is such a red herring. Not feeling much concern about how your kids are being raised shouldn't be the baseline. I mean all these people want the joy of kids but none of the work or sacrifice. Should men do more? Sure, but just because most men don't do enough doesn't mean someone doesn't need to put the kids first.


What a moron. Have you ever met a parent, working or otherwise??
Anonymous
Post 03/02/2023 19:55     Subject: I feel guilty that I don’t want to SAH
Anonymous wrote:Men literally never think about this. Neither should you.


This.