Anonymous
Post 02/28/2023 14:38     Subject: Re:This is really bothering me- always being "on" as the parent
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I had a similar conversation with my husband when my kids were little. What got to me was that he was surprised that I felt this way. It wasn’t even really that I minded that this was the dynamic. Little kids are stressful, but I was probably going to feel that stress either way, and one of us should be able to work late or go to the store. What got to me was that he didn’t appreciate that this was happening.

I remember thinking that I would have preferred a husband who openly said that he wanted me to scale back at work or to get up early with the kids every day over one who paid lip service to being there 50/50, but never actually was.


This is huge to me. I'm fine with being the primary parent but I want that role to be acknowledged and appreciated.


First, you should not seek external praise. Make an intentional decision to do it, and then praise yourself.

Second, do you show acknowledgment and appreciation to your DH? So often it's a one-way street.

Third, believe me that teens and young adults will know and appreciate what you're doing.

Finally, I don't think it's manipulative at all (according to a pp's therapist) to book something occasionally and when giving the date to your spouse add that you're happy to change it. I have enough maturity to say what I will and won't do and for the majority of times not feel guilty. But, if I feel guilty that's my choice; I don't have to and many people don't. Many massage therapists have online booking and it's really no big deal to change. What if I need to get tickets for two months from now or see something and want to book and DH is on a plane or in all-day meetings. I don't always "ask" him to do something. I tell him I got these tickets and we constantly check in re calendars. If there is an issue we work it out like adults who are emotionally mature.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2023 14:29     Subject: This is really bothering me- always being "on" as the parent
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, does he make a lot more money than you? Do you work because you want to or because you have to?


I’m not the OP, but does it matter? It’s not like your boss or your co-workers know if you are there because you want to be or because you have to be (and if they do, and it’s because you want to be, then you are kind of a d!*k).


Women have choices. Men have obligations. I'm just wondering how much of this has to do with OP's choices.


And the OP Blamer has arrived in the thread.


Yea I’m confused by this women have choices and men obligations statement. We all have choices but whether we see them as choices or not is a reflection of our inner world and perspective. Often we unconsciously make choices out of habit, conditioning, modeling etc… to make a different choice involves bringing this to consciousness and evaluating options. That’s what this thread is about. As long as you and your partner are open to reflecting and considering a new choice then there is always hope.


What I mean is that, if OP is choosing to work full time and doesn't really have to because her husband makes plenty of money and way more than she does, then working is a choice she is making and she should assume responsibility for that choice. Not him. His job sounds pretty stressful, yet I don't hear anyone suggesting he needs to look for another one that infringes less on her time. Clearly that's not an option because they want/need his money and not hers.


Except OP has come back and said they need both their salaries and he doesn't hugely outearn her. I think people didn't suggest he find a different job because OP said in her post she didn't mind his job commitments so much of a problem as his attitude toward them/her and changing jobs would be annoying and stressful and honestly not helpful to the core of her issues.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2023 14:28     Subject: This is really bothering me- always being "on" as the parent
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, does he make a lot more money than you? Do you work because you want to or because you have to?


I’m not the OP, but does it matter? It’s not like your boss or your co-workers know if you are there because you want to be or because you have to be (and if they do, and it’s because you want to be, then you are kind of a d!*k).


Women have choices. Men have obligations. I'm just wondering how much of this has to do with OP's choices.


And the OP Blamer has arrived in the thread.


Yea I’m confused by this women have choices and men obligations statement. We all have choices but whether we see them as choices or not is a reflection of our inner world and perspective. Often we unconsciously make choices out of habit, conditioning, modeling etc… to make a different choice involves bringing this to consciousness and evaluating options. That’s what this thread is about. As long as you and your partner are open to reflecting and considering a new choice then there is always hope.


What I mean is that, if OP is choosing to work full time and doesn't really have to because her husband makes plenty of money and way more than she does, then working is a choice she is making and she should assume responsibility for that choice. Not him. His job sounds pretty stressful, yet I don't hear anyone suggesting he needs to look for another one that infringes less on her time. Clearly that's not an option because they want/need his money and not hers.


But why would this be shocking to her DH?
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2023 14:24     Subject: This is really bothering me- always being "on" as the parent
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, does he make a lot more money than you? Do you work because you want to or because you have to?


I’m not the OP, but does it matter? It’s not like your boss or your co-workers know if you are there because you want to be or because you have to be (and if they do, and it’s because you want to be, then you are kind of a d!*k).


Women have choices. Men have obligations. I'm just wondering how much of this has to do with OP's choices.


And the OP Blamer has arrived in the thread.


Yea I’m confused by this women have choices and men obligations statement. We all have choices but whether we see them as choices or not is a reflection of our inner world and perspective. Often we unconsciously make choices out of habit, conditioning, modeling etc… to make a different choice involves bringing this to consciousness and evaluating options. That’s what this thread is about. As long as you and your partner are open to reflecting and considering a new choice then there is always hope.


What I mean is that, if OP is choosing to work full time and doesn't really have to because her husband makes plenty of money and way more than she does, then working is a choice she is making and she should assume responsibility for that choice. Not him. His job sounds pretty stressful, yet I don't hear anyone suggesting he needs to look for another one that infringes less on her time. Clearly that's not an option because they want/need his money and not hers.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2023 14:20     Subject: This is really bothering me- always being "on" as the parent
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, does he make a lot more money than you? Do you work because you want to or because you have to?


I’m not the OP, but does it matter? It’s not like your boss or your co-workers know if you are there because you want to be or because you have to be (and if they do, and it’s because you want to be, then you are kind of a d!*k).


Women have choices. Men have obligations. I'm just wondering how much of this has to do with OP's choices.


So what? Even if she doesn’t need the job, it doesn’t make any difference in the day to day work that needs to be done.


Yes, it does.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2023 14:18     Subject: This is really bothering me- always being "on" as the parent
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, does he make a lot more money than you? Do you work because you want to or because you have to?


I’m not the OP, but does it matter? It’s not like your boss or your co-workers know if you are there because you want to be or because you have to be (and if they do, and it’s because you want to be, then you are kind of a d!*k).


Women have choices. Men have obligations. I'm just wondering how much of this has to do with OP's choices.


So what? Even if she doesn’t need the job, it doesn’t make any difference in the day to day work that needs to be done.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2023 14:12     Subject: Re:This is really bothering me- always being "on" as the parent
Anonymous wrote:I had a similar conversation with my husband when my kids were little. What got to me was that he was surprised that I felt this way. It wasn’t even really that I minded that this was the dynamic. Little kids are stressful, but I was probably going to feel that stress either way, and one of us should be able to work late or go to the store. What got to me was that he didn’t appreciate that this was happening.

I remember thinking that I would have preferred a husband who openly said that he wanted me to scale back at work or to get up early with the kids every day over one who paid lip service to being there 50/50, but never actually was.

agree. If the man doesn't take on the 50/50 in deeds not just words, then he should be open to the spouse to scale back work, and he can be the primary bread winner.

I had the same issue with DH. He didn't want me to scale back because I earned about the same as him, so if I scaled back, that would've hurt our income, and his ability to keep his expensive hobby.

I couldn't stand it anymore, so I told him that's it.. I'm quitting and we need to move to a lcol, and you need to quit your expensive hobby. Oh, and did I mention that he also wanted to retire early, like 55. He wanted all this, and me be the default parent. Nope, that was not going to happen. We fought all the time.

Here we are 10 yrs later, I went back to work FT when the kids were a bit older, and now I make more than him. And he'll retire at 62, and I'll retire then, too.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2023 14:11     Subject: This is really bothering me- always being "on" as the parent
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, does he make a lot more money than you? Do you work because you want to or because you have to?


I’m not the OP, but does it matter? It’s not like your boss or your co-workers know if you are there because you want to be or because you have to be (and if they do, and it’s because you want to be, then you are kind of a d!*k).


Women have choices. Men have obligations. I'm just wondering how much of this has to do with OP's choices.


And the OP Blamer has arrived in the thread.


Yea I’m confused by this women have choices and men obligations statement. We all have choices but whether we see them as choices or not is a reflection of our inner world and perspective. Often we unconsciously make choices out of habit, conditioning, modeling etc… to make a different choice involves bringing this to consciousness and evaluating options. That’s what this thread is about. As long as you and your partner are open to reflecting and considering a new choice then there is always hope.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2023 14:09     Subject: This is really bothering me- always being "on" as the parent
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, does he make a lot more money than you? Do you work because you want to or because you have to?


I’m not the OP, but does it matter? It’s not like your boss or your co-workers know if you are there because you want to be or because you have to be (and if they do, and it’s because you want to be, then you are kind of a d!*k).


Women have choices. Men have obligations. I'm just wondering how much of this has to do with OP's choices.


I hate to break it to you but being a parent is MUCH BIGGER obligation than anything this else "men" have on their very important to do lists. It's also a choice they make.

Do better.


You didn't grasp in the slightest what I just said.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2023 14:09     Subject: Re:This is really bothering me- always being "on" as the parent
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I had a similar conversation with my husband when my kids were little. What got to me was that he was surprised that I felt this way. It wasn’t even really that I minded that this was the dynamic. Little kids are stressful, but I was probably going to feel that stress either way, and one of us should be able to work late or go to the store. What got to me was that he didn’t appreciate that this was happening.

I remember thinking that I would have preferred a husband who openly said that he wanted me to scale back at work or to get up early with the kids every day over one who paid lip service to being there 50/50, but never actually was.


This is huge to me. I'm fine with being the primary parent but I want that role to be acknowledged and appreciated.


Yes exactly. I don’t expect things to be 50:50 because the reality is 50:50 doesn’t make sense in most situations. Acknowledgement and gratitude are key though!
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2023 14:07     Subject: This is really bothering me- always being "on" as the parent
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, does he make a lot more money than you? Do you work because you want to or because you have to?


I’m not the OP, but does it matter? It’s not like your boss or your co-workers know if you are there because you want to be or because you have to be (and if they do, and it’s because you want to be, then you are kind of a d!*k).


Women have choices. Men have obligations. I'm just wondering how much of this has to do with OP's choices.


And the OP Blamer has arrived in the thread.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2023 14:07     Subject: Re:This is really bothering me- always being "on" as the parent
Yes I have a similar dynamic with DH. We have been working on it. He’s improved but it’s an ongoing work in progress.

It’s like he was just conditioned growing up to not consider others, ask if something works, acknowledge others for their effort or teamwork to make something work. He is a good guy at heart but was just so blind to so many things. He used to be really defensive but over ten years of marriage has slowly come to understand why communication and collaboration are important.

As a side note I see how this is what he was modeled in his own family growing up. To this day his mom will come over and sort through his drawers and fold his laundry if we let her. She would also do it and not mention it and be like the little I visit me fixer in the background. I love my mil but she coddles her kids to no end. My fil comes and goes as he pleases without a word to anyone. I’ve never heard her protest.

Anyway, these changes take time but they are definitely worth voicing for the sake of our relationships and our kids.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2023 14:07     Subject: Re:This is really bothering me- always being "on" as the parent
Anonymous wrote:I had a similar conversation with my husband when my kids were little. What got to me was that he was surprised that I felt this way. It wasn’t even really that I minded that this was the dynamic. Little kids are stressful, but I was probably going to feel that stress either way, and one of us should be able to work late or go to the store. What got to me was that he didn’t appreciate that this was happening.

I remember thinking that I would have preferred a husband who openly said that he wanted me to scale back at work or to get up early with the kids every day over one who paid lip service to being there 50/50, but never actually was.


This is huge to me. I'm fine with being the primary parent but I want that role to be acknowledged and appreciated.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2023 14:06     Subject: Re:This is really bothering me- always being "on" as the parent
Anonymous wrote:It’s mostly his professional demands on his time that you are complaining about.


I don’t think that she is complaining about the demands on his time, only that he is SHOCKED to find out that these demands on his time mean that she is constantly on with the kids. How is this a surprise?
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2023 14:04     Subject: Re:This is really bothering me- always being "on" as the parent
Anonymous wrote:The ASK for an emergency work situation is not reasonable unless you have an emergency on your end that he knows of. I would TELL my DH if I have to work late due to an emergency, and assume he will deal with home stuff.

Everything else, I agree with you. Your DH doesn't realize how hard it is because he's never been in that position. I find that most DHs just assume you have everything in control, that you are the default parent for everything, even when they are home. He was "shocked" because he thinks you signed up for being the default parent even when he's home.

So, you need to tell him that when he's home, you need him to be the primary parent and not assume that you will take care of everything. And also, take a weekend for yourself every month when he's not traveling, and let him be the default parent.

Toddlers/early ES are the hardest years, both parenting and on the marriage. It will get easier. My kids are now teens, but life was so stressful when our kids were younger, even with DH doing a lot (not traveling) that I told DH that I was going to take a step back from work (ie quit) for a couple of years. Thankfully, I got a PT wfh job after about a year of being a sahp, then as the kids got older, converted to FT.

Or get a nanny/sitter if you can so you can decompress. It's super hard without any support around you. I had no support.


I don't think that is why men are shocked about this. They are shocked because it doesn't even occur to them to need to be on or that moms feel on. They don't know it is a thing. They are blind to it and it is shocking to be told there is something there they never realized existed.