Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This all said, your DH should be talking to his sister about her mentally ill child. If she is doing nothing, there is an obligation of the adults in his life to at least say something.

NO. Don’t do this. It’s obvious from OP’s post that the child is medicated and in therapy, and OP and her husband have no standing to get involved in this situation.

On the contrary. Exposing your child to a known source of violent injury, even from another child, is itself child abuse or neglect.

OP has not only the right but the parental and legal obligation to properly address the threat. That starts with the obligation to identify and communicate clearly and.directly about it.

Absolutely not and glad OP agrees. OP can choose to supervise her children around their cousin but that is not a reason to talk to the parents of a special needs child about issues OP can’t possibly understand.

OP here— I will have to talk to my *kids* about it eventually but I agree with you there’s no reason to discuss it with my sister in law.

My husband did try to raise it once, and (I think predictably) she was very upset and defensive and insisted nephew “loves” babies and is perfectly safe, which just made my DH mad because she had a child at home with stitches from his brother at the time. There is no reason to discuss it with SIL because it won’t change outcome and I think discussing it with ILs just leads to family gossip which isn’t great either.

Your sister in law is delusional about the very real threat her child poses to other children and therefore is useless as a supervisor for her own child much less other children. Her kid is going to get worse and worse until one day he does something really tragic and the entire family winds up on CNN.

Everyone telling you to sweep it under the rug is someone who does not have responsibility for the safety of your children. You do.

You absolutely need to tell your sister in law that under no circumstances will you permit your children to be endangered by hers. Make it very clear and please have the guts that your husband and his entire family seems to lack.

How many more children have to be hospitalized before that happens? The correct answer is zero.

I really disagree that there’s a need to discuss supervision with my SIL— I don’t let her oldest alone with either of my children for one second. It’s not a discussion. My husband raised it with her once and, as I said, it wasn’t well received.

The question is whether to explicitly tell my in laws this is the reason we need separate accommodations (or a master suite if we share a house). My father in law feels strongly that my nephew is not being parented “correctly” and my mother in law is protective/defensive of both nephew and SIL. I do not want to engage in any of that because at the end of the day it’s not my business. If I raise that issue it’s going to re-open a big family argument about this and my FIL is going to say nephew is keeping him from seeing his sons children and shouldn’t be allowed to go to the beach at all or something similar.

Your child is your business. You and DH need to sit down and agree on some talking points with his parents and stick to them. Keep it about what you need and try not to place blame. Have some phrases when they start to lose focus and talk about SILs parenting.

The posts not supporting OP either have problematic children, or they are just trying to stir the pot. Ignore, OP. Don't bring it up in discussion - these people will never admit their issues.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This all said, your DH should be talking to his sister about her mentally ill child. If she is doing nothing, there is an obligation of the adults in his life to at least say something.

NO. Don’t do this. It’s obvious from OP’s post that the child is medicated and in therapy, and OP and her husband have no standing to get involved in this situation.

On the contrary. Exposing your child to a known source of violent injury, even from another child, is itself child abuse or neglect.

OP has not only the right but the parental and legal obligation to properly address the threat. That starts with the obligation to identify and communicate clearly and.directly about it.

Absolutely not and glad OP agrees. OP can choose to supervise her children around their cousin but that is not a reason to talk to the parents of a special needs child about issues OP can’t possibly understand.

OP here— I will have to talk to my *kids* about it eventually but I agree with you there’s no reason to discuss it with my sister in law.

My husband did try to raise it once, and (I think predictably) she was very upset and defensive and insisted nephew “loves” babies and is perfectly safe, which just made my DH mad because she had a child at home with stitches from his brother at the time. There is no reason to discuss it with SIL because it won’t change outcome and I think discussing it with ILs just leads to family gossip which isn’t great either.

Your sister in law is delusional about the very real threat her child poses to other children and therefore is useless as a supervisor for her own child much less other children. Her kid is going to get worse and worse until one day he does something really tragic and the entire family winds up on CNN.

Everyone telling you to sweep it under the rug is someone who does not have responsibility for the safety of your children. You do.

You absolutely need to tell your sister in law that under no circumstances will you permit your children to be endangered by hers. Make it very clear and please have the guts that your husband and his entire family seems to lack.

How many more children have to be hospitalized before that happens? The correct answer is zero.

I really disagree that there’s a need to discuss supervision with my SIL— I don’t let her oldest alone with either of my children for one second. It’s not a discussion. My husband raised it with her once and, as I said, it wasn’t well received.

The question is whether to explicitly tell my in laws this is the reason we need separate accommodations (or a master suite if we share a house). My father in law feels strongly that my nephew is not being parented “correctly” and my mother in law is protective/defensive of both nephew and SIL. I do not want to engage in any of that because at the end of the day it’s not my business. If I raise that issue it’s going to re-open a big family argument about this and my FIL is going to say nephew is keeping him from seeing his sons children and shouldn’t be allowed to go to the beach at all or something similar.

+1

PP here. These are people who want to believe they have "normal" relationships with "normal" people - so no, they are not going to call that kid on whatever stunt that kid pulls. Keep your kid safe, OP. Follow your gut.

Anonymous wrote:We would stay with them if the accommodations were suitable, and the dates work. We’re never asked for our input on accommodations even though we’ve said this a number of times, though, so I read the “but we got a house with rooms for you” as sort of a fake-polite protest. I don’t mind that they don’t care for us to stay, it would be nice if they’d stop the show before I have to explain it to our kids, though.

I am also realizing I may have to tell my in laws I consider one of the cousins potentially unsafe for being around my young children unsupervised (one of the reasons the accommodations are so problematic) because I really don’t want a family-wide referendum on SILs parenting.

OP this is a no go. My ILs had the same situation, but I think they finally stopped inviting the other family (a distant friend) - whose child was prone to anger issues, and charged at my younger, smaller kid, trying to impale him with a pool cue. You can't and should not force unhealthy relationships like that. The hotel will work just fine, if you attend, at all - and your DC will be safe. There is no discussion needed, especially if they don't have a modicum of common sense to intervene with this crap. Just no.

Do you want to go to the "vacation", at all? Vacation time is few and far between for most of us - and it is expensive. Our family does not have the luxury of an employer paying us for lost time, nor are we retired like the ILs. All of this makes an enormous difference! So when we go on vacation, it is our planning, to locations that we like and choose, just our nuclear family, and our kids get to see their cousins, whom they have seen each summer and more, while we are there. If the ILs wanted to see us, they live 20 minutes away, and can do that any time - but for show? Another no. Even when the ILs did ask us our availability, they ignored it for 25+ years, so WTH would that matter now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This all said, your DH should be talking to his sister about her mentally ill child. If she is doing nothing, there is an obligation of the adults in his life to at least say something.

NO. Don’t do this. It’s obvious from OP’s post that the child is medicated and in therapy, and OP and her husband have no standing to get involved in this situation.

On the contrary. Exposing your child to a known source of violent injury, even from another child, is itself child abuse or neglect.

OP has not only the right but the parental and legal obligation to properly address the threat. That starts with the obligation to identify and communicate clearly and.directly about it.

Absolutely not and glad OP agrees. OP can choose to supervise her children around their cousin but that is not a reason to talk to the parents of a special needs child about issues OP can’t possibly understand.

OP here— I will have to talk to my *kids* about it eventually but I agree with you there’s no reason to discuss it with my sister in law.

My husband did try to raise it once, and (I think predictably) she was very upset and defensive and insisted nephew “loves” babies and is perfectly safe, which just made my DH mad because she had a child at home with stitches from his brother at the time. There is no reason to discuss it with SIL because it won’t change outcome and I think discussing it with ILs just leads to family gossip which isn’t great either.

Your sister in law is delusional about the very real threat her child poses to other children and therefore is useless as a supervisor for her own child much less other children. Her kid is going to get worse and worse until one day he does something really tragic and the entire family winds up on CNN.

Everyone telling you to sweep it under the rug is someone who does not have responsibility for the safety of your children. You do.

You absolutely need to tell your sister in law that under no circumstances will you permit your children to be endangered by hers. Make it very clear and please have the guts that your husband and his entire family seems to lack.

How many more children have to be hospitalized before that happens? The correct answer is zero.

I really disagree that there’s a need to discuss supervision with my SIL— I don’t let her oldest alone with either of my children for one second. It’s not a discussion. My husband raised it with her once and, as I said, it wasn’t well received.

The question is whether to explicitly tell my in laws this is the reason we need separate accommodations (or a master suite if we share a house). My father in law feels strongly that my nephew is not being parented “correctly” and my mother in law is protective/defensive of both nephew and SIL. I do not want to engage in any of that because at the end of the day it’s not my business. If I raise that issue it’s going to re-open a big family argument about this and my FIL is going to say nephew is keeping him from seeing his sons children and shouldn’t be allowed to go to the beach at all or something similar.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This all said, your DH should be talking to his sister about her mentally ill child. If she is doing nothing, there is an obligation of the adults in his life to at least say something.

NO. Don’t do this. It’s obvious from OP’s post that the child is medicated and in therapy, and OP and her husband have no standing to get involved in this situation.

On the contrary. Exposing your child to a known source of violent injury, even from another child, is itself child abuse or neglect.

OP has not only the right but the parental and legal obligation to properly address the threat. That starts with the obligation to identify and communicate clearly and.directly about it.

Absolutely not and glad OP agrees. OP can choose to supervise her children around their cousin but that is not a reason to talk to the parents of a special needs child about issues OP can’t possibly understand.

OP here— I will have to talk to my *kids* about it eventually but I agree with you there’s no reason to discuss it with my sister in law.

My husband did try to raise it once, and (I think predictably) she was very upset and defensive and insisted nephew “loves” babies and is perfectly safe, which just made my DH mad because she had a child at home with stitches from his brother at the time. There is no reason to discuss it with SIL because it won’t change outcome and I think discussing it with ILs just leads to family gossip which isn’t great either.

Your sister in law is delusional about the very real threat her child poses to other children and therefore is useless as a supervisor for her own child much less other children. Her kid is going to get worse and worse until one day he does something really tragic and the entire family winds up on CNN.

Everyone telling you to sweep it under the rug is someone who does not have responsibility for the safety of your children. You do.

You absolutely need to tell your sister in law that under no circumstances will you permit your children to be endangered by hers. Make it very clear and please have the guts that your husband and his entire family seems to lack.

How many more children have to be hospitalized before that happens? The correct answer is zero.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t want to be with SIL why are you pretending it’s about the rooms?

We would stay with them if the rooms were suitable. The difficulty is that explaining we don’t want our nephew unsupervised with our kids would kick off a huge and unnecessary family drama— we don’t care if he’s medicated/in therapy/doing sports, we aren’t risking our kids safety and it’s not up for discussion.

Op, you’re really just trying to stir the pit and you sound like a pain in the butt. Just keep doing what you’ve been doing. They don’t want you there

Beach house cost is set by the number of rooms/bathrooms and the location. I think you need to have an open and honest conversation with ILs before you ask them to spend a bunch more money for you to stay for a couple of days. If this is truly a safety issue then you need to discuss it with your in laws and let them know why you won't be staying there or what conditions you need in place to make it work. I understand you are trying to work with a lot of family dynamics and politics but you and your DH need to decide what you want and then clearly communicate that to ILs. You are part of the problem here because of your lack of communication.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t want to be with SIL why are you pretending it’s about the rooms?

We would stay with them if the rooms were suitable. The difficulty is that explaining we don’t want our nephew unsupervised with our kids would kick off a huge and unnecessary family drama— we don’t care if he’s medicated/in therapy/doing sports, we aren’t risking our kids safety and it’s not up for discussion.

So then why do you want them to ask for your input on the house if you never intend to stay there?

Because if it’s something that really matters to them we could do it for a couple of days with the right accommodations.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t want to be with SIL why are you pretending it’s about the rooms?

We would stay with them if the rooms were suitable. The difficulty is that explaining we don’t want our nephew unsupervised with our kids would kick off a huge and unnecessary family drama— we don’t care if he’s medicated/in therapy/doing sports, we aren’t risking our kids safety and it’s not up for discussion.

So then why do you want them to ask for your input on the house if you never intend to stay there?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This all said, your DH should be talking to his sister about her mentally ill child. If she is doing nothing, there is an obligation of the adults in his life to at least say something.

NO. Don’t do this. It’s obvious from OP’s post that the child is medicated and in therapy, and OP and her husband have no standing to get involved in this situation.

On the contrary. Exposing your child to a known source of violent injury, even from another child, is itself child abuse or neglect.

OP has not only the right but the parental and legal obligation to properly address the threat. That starts with the obligation to identify and communicate clearly and.directly about it.

Absolutely not and glad OP agrees. OP can choose to supervise her children around their cousin but that is not a reason to talk to the parents of a special needs child about issues OP can’t possibly understand.

OP here— I will have to talk to my *kids* about it eventually but I agree with you there’s no reason to discuss it with my sister in law.

My husband did try to raise it once, and (I think predictably) she was very upset and defensive and insisted nephew “loves” babies and is perfectly safe, which just made my DH mad because she had a child at home with stitches from his brother at the time. There is no reason to discuss it with SIL because it won’t change outcome and I think discussing it with ILs just leads to family gossip which isn’t great either.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This all said, your DH should be talking to his sister about her mentally ill child. If she is doing nothing, there is an obligation of the adults in his life to at least say something.

NO. Don’t do this. It’s obvious from OP’s post that the child is medicated and in therapy, and OP and her husband have no standing to get involved in this situation.

OP here: I would never get involved in this. My husband and father in law both think the religious-based “therapy” is quackery and are not at all convinced— though again FIL moreso blames parenting choices. None of it is my business other than keeping my kids from being the next hospitalization.

If you are seriously concerned about “the next hospitalization” why did you not mention this in the OP, instead expressing dissatisfaction that you weren’t involved in the house selection? Seems like you wouldn’t be entertaining the idea of staying with them anyway (which I get) - so why would you want them to go through the hassle of working with you to find a layout when you wouldn’t agree to it anyway?

What I’m primarily trying to untangle is whether my in laws actually want us to stay in the same house or if they’re politely saying “oh but we have room”. If they’re just saying it to be polite I’d like them to stop because it’s going to lead to my older child feeling disappointed. I also think it’s less stress on my in laws to not worry about the little kids getting hurt.

From my perspective I would do it for a day or two, if it is seriously important to my in laws. More than that is exhausting because my husband and I have to watch every second.

Tell your 4 year old "it doesn't work for our family," use the bathroom excuse, whatever.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t want to be with SIL why are you pretending it’s about the rooms?

We would stay with them if the rooms were suitable. The difficulty is that explaining we don’t want our nephew unsupervised with our kids would kick off a huge and unnecessary family drama— we don’t care if he’s medicated/in therapy/doing sports, we aren’t risking our kids safety and it’s not up for discussion.

So GET ON THE STICK and find places that would work for you, and send them links along with dates that would work for you. Also be clear that you are willing to pay your full share. Why has this not occurred to you if you actually do want to stay with them?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This all said, your DH should be talking to his sister about her mentally ill child. If she is doing nothing, there is an obligation of the adults in his life to at least say something.

NO. Don’t do this. It’s obvious from OP’s post that the child is medicated and in therapy, and OP and her husband have no standing to get involved in this situation.

OP here: I would never get involved in this. My husband and father in law both think the religious-based “therapy” is quackery and are not at all convinced— though again FIL moreso blames parenting choices. None of it is my business other than keeping my kids from being the next hospitalization.

If you are seriously concerned about “the next hospitalization” why did you not mention this in the OP, instead expressing dissatisfaction that you weren’t involved in the house selection? Seems like you wouldn’t be entertaining the idea of staying with them anyway (which I get) - so why would you want them to go through the hassle of working with you to find a layout when you wouldn’t agree to it anyway?