Meh, I’ve had a raging eating disorder for almost two decades and rarely eat (or fake-eat) at people’s homes. I think maybe two or three times someone has genuinely called me out on it, but most people either don’t notice or are polite enough to pretend.

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, people don’t know how to care for each other these days. If I’m hosting, then everyone who comes us a guest. Of course I’m going to ask my guests if everything is ok. If she wasn’t drinking, I’d ask that too, in case she was looking for some kind of drink I hadn’t put out (maybe the nonalcoholic drinks had run out?). This is the host’s job.

Oh, my goodness. YOU don’t know how to care for people. Calling people out is not caring. Asking if “everything is OK” is just bad manners because you are essentially implying that they are not acting “right”—even though they made the effort to show up and participate as best they can.

If you ask them “is everything OK” do you really want them to have to say if they have Irritable Bowel Syndrome, or suffer from bulimia, or just think your kitchen is disgusting with cat hair everywhere? Hmm?

How about just asking, “If there’s anything else I can get for you, just let me know” and then perhaps a vegetarian can ask if you have any cheese and crackers or something if all you have on offer has meat, or an alcoholic can ask for a sparkling water or a Coke if all you have out is beer and wine.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think the host was rude at all by the way. They noticed that you were eating and asked about it to make sure everything was ok. Maybe you have food allergies and weren’t sure if the food was ok to eat. Part of being a good host is making sure that your guests have food and drink that they like.

The host asked right before I left for the night and we were packing up food that we brought.

You brought food and didn’t eat anything? I wouldn’t comment on it but I would think it was seriously weird.

Op I feel the same way and I hate when the host and others make a big deal of It.

Anonymous wrote:You're fine.

She’s not fine. She has serious anxiety.

I’m like this and I have social anxiety disorder. I always eat at least a small amount to be polite and avoid attention, because I hate attention.

I didn’t eat lunch most of HS because I found the cafeteria stressful.

Everyone suggesting anxiety meds - the anxiety is clearly a product of food issues. Op needs education and counseling on the food issues in order to alleviate what is making her anxious. There are books she could start reading today and counselors who help with this. If op feels she has anxiety across the board and would benefit, go ahead, but these are food issues that need to be confronted head on regardless.

Anonymous wrote:Anxiety meds, OP. That's not normal and nobody is looking at you or watching you eat at any party.

I’ve been on them before and it’s a no for me personally. Weight gain city.

Anxiety meds, OP. That's not normal and nobody is looking at you or watching you eat at any party.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think the host was rude at all by the way. They noticed that you were eating and asked about it to make sure everything was ok. Maybe you have food allergies and weren’t sure if the food was ok to eat. Part of being a good host is making sure that your guests have food and drink that they like.

The host asked right before I left for the night and we were packing up food that we brought.

OP again. I meant to say also that I’ve been with my bf 4 years so no, not a new relationship.

Anonymous wrote:Are you heavier / overweight and worried other people are judging you?
Is this a newer relationship and you are scared to “pig out” in front of your BF? Or you have a weird thing where you are scared to go to the bathroom in other people’s homes?
Are you anorexic or fitness obsessed and really into “clean eating”?
Are your boyfriend’s friends all big drinkers and “let’s pig out on wings, nachos, dip, etc.” people and you are not?

Maybe you need therapy if this is something that happens a lot in all kinds of situations. If it’s just your BF and his friends, maybe it’s a flag that this is not the group for you because the way they like to have fun is not fun for you.

OP here. These are good questions. The latter one is very spot on but last night they were not drinking much at all. But they had all kinds of food like burnt ends etc (I’m not a bit meat eater). They had a whole spread of other stuff too. I’m maybe 5 lbs overweight. I had a slight eating disorder in high school but overcame it (I was a cheerleader, not overweight then). I’ve had body dysmorphic disorder issues for most of my life. I can relax and eat in front of others but felt very uncomfortable last night for some reason. The food being on the kitchen island wirh people sitting around it etc for some reason really made me uncomfortable. Something about putting food on my plate while others are watching me makes me feel criticized. Had an ex that used to call me fat b* all the time (I was maybe 5-10 lbs overweight due to an antidepressant).

I love to cook for other people but I feel weird eating in other peoples homes. I wish I wasn’t like this but when I get in the situation, the anxiety is very strong.

My daughter has issues eating around new people. Her first days in a new classroom her lunch barely has a dent. I think it was rude of the host to call you out on it though.

I don’t think the host was rude at all by the way. They noticed that you were eating and asked about it to make sure everything was ok. Maybe you have food allergies and weren’t sure if the food was ok to eat. Part of being a good host is making sure that your guests have food and drink that they like.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't eat much either when I'm at others' houses. I'm overweight and feel like people are judging me. (i.e. "no wonder she's fat, look at all those wings she is eating").

I don't think that at all when I see overweight people eating. I prefer that to some of my friends and their disordered eating--oh no thanks, i've already had 3 grapes, i'm stuffed. <giant eyeroll>


And I'm not overweight or very thin--just normal.

I’m with you PP. In our culture it is practically an act of revolution to just enjoy food in public. Taking bread from the bread basket at an office lunch or enjoying the chips at happy hour - we have been conditioned to think of these as signs of poor self control when really it’s just eating food and enjoying it. It is a reflection of the misperception that thinness = virtue. So it is not surprising it causes issues for people like OP. There ARE people who judge those who eat - but they’re wrong and we shouldn’t let them shame us. We would all do better to just enjoy the moment when we are with others and not battling our inner food police!