Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We have tried time out. He doesn’t respond to it- doesn’t seem to care. When he took the cheese, he runs away laughing and he’s very fast and I (literally) can’t catch him. I let him pick out his clothes and he still doesn’t get dressed. When I yell at him, or when my husband yells at him, he sort of freezes and ignores us. I feel like he’s so difficult that lately i just relent and let him watch tv. I’m out of things to do. The only thing he consistently does it take his shoes off before coming in the house (a rule) but everything else he ignores. He isn’t motivated by rewards and isn’t deterred by time outs. Sometimes he’s great (mainly when not in the house)

You have to be very consistent with time outs and do it nanny style. It may take hours the first few times. You are a problem if you things like relent and let him have tv. You are allowing this behavior and encouraging it. He knows he can behave this way and get away with it.

Anonymous wrote:Op again. So give me an example. If he hits me or kicks me do I give him a time out? (For us time out means going in your room) sometimes he doesn’t care ither times he hangs on the door. Feel like we’ve tried this so many times and the behavior didn’t change. What is something I do in the moment?

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We have tried time out. He doesn’t respond to it- doesn’t seem to care. When he took the cheese, he runs away laughing and he’s very fast and I (literally) can’t catch him. I let him pick out his clothes and he still doesn’t get dressed. When I yell at him, or when my husband yells at him, he sort of freezes and ignores us. I feel like he’s so difficult that lately i just relent and let him watch tv. I’m out of things to do. The only thing he consistently does it take his shoes off before coming in the house (a rule) but everything else he ignores. He isn’t motivated by rewards and isn’t deterred by time outs. Sometimes he’s great (mainly when not in the house)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This will get a bunch of “oh no, you should never do that!!” but we spanked for direct defiance like this.

+ 1

But how many parents will use spanking for the right reasons? Most of the time the kids are acting out because they are neglected, bored, not heard, not getting attention. Parents should not be spanking because they have not met the needs of the kid (kid is tired, sleepy, hungry) or because the parents themselves are stressed or angry.

My children have been spanked after being told very clearly, more than once, to not do something because of xyz or else they will be spanked. They pushed the boundaries and then they were spanked. I have spanked my kids probably from the age of 7 to 12 a total of six times. It was very clear why they were being spanked. And I have not had to discipline me kids at all since then. They are in their 20s.

4 is too small to be spanked IMHO. The behavior is very attention seeking and generally the kid sounds unhappy. OP does not seem to know why her kid is behaving in this fashion? I think the kid wants the parents around him and probably the parents are too busy with their work. I am guessing that the kid is unhappy with being left at daycare or with a nanny. Yes, parenting is hard.

Anonymous wrote:OP: you are at a critical fork in the road. As you can see from the comments here, you have to either lean into rewards and punishments (treating your child like a dog, essentially) OR work really hard at rehabilitating your relationship with him and your household dynamics so there’s real respect.

The latter is much better for everyone but it’s not easy. You need to master your triggers (and your desire to outsource!) so you can stay calm and lead. You need to set reasonable boundaries and let him get super upset and feel those ugly feelings when the boundary is held. He probably has a lot to purge after years of tension. You need humility and a willingness to read and reread whatever helps you be that parent. For me it’s Janet Lansbury. Others might watch videos from the Parenting Junkie. You also need to simplify family life so you can focus on being this person. Get rid of any extras beside school. This is more important than soccer or swimming or traveling. Get to the other side and you will feel amazing and enjoy a true connection with your son.

This isn’t about learning a script to deal with disobedience. You have to embody confidence and faith in both of you. It neutralizes the power struggle.

(All you spankers really think you’re helping? Your kid will be too ashamed to tell you about the sexual fetish you’ve inadvertently caused, and how much they hide from you going forward)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: you are at a critical fork in the road. As you can see from the comments here, you have to either lean into rewards and punishments (treating your child like a dog, essentially) OR work really hard at rehabilitating your relationship with him and your household dynamics so there’s real respect.

The latter is much better for everyone but it’s not easy. You need to master your triggers (and your desire to outsource!) so you can stay calm and lead. You need to set reasonable boundaries and let him get super upset and feel those ugly feelings when the boundary is held. He probably has a lot to purge after years of tension. You need humility and a willingness to read and reread whatever helps you be that parent. For me it’s Janet Lansbury. Others might watch videos from the Parenting Junkie. You also need to simplify family life so you can focus on being this person. Get rid of any extras beside school. This is more important than soccer or swimming or traveling. Get to the other side and you will feel amazing and enjoy a true connection with your son.

This isn’t about learning a script to deal with disobedience. You have to embody confidence and faith in both of you. It neutralizes the power struggle.

(All you spankers really think you’re helping? Your kid will be too ashamed to tell you about the sexual fetish you’ve inadvertently caused, and how much they hide from you going forward)

I mean Christians started with the beatings. And is not right.

Im happy being an Atheist. I wish those pedo priests and sexual abusers with power would go to jail. But they won't. Because either the church can move them to south America or they have a lot of money.

Anonymous wrote:OP: you are at a critical fork in the road. As you can see from the comments here, you have to either lean into rewards and punishments (treating your child like a dog, essentially) OR work really hard at rehabilitating your relationship with him and your household dynamics so there’s real respect.

The latter is much better for everyone but it’s not easy. You need to master your triggers (and your desire to outsource!) so you can stay calm and lead. You need to set reasonable boundaries and let him get super upset and feel those ugly feelings when the boundary is held. He probably has a lot to purge after years of tension. You need humility and a willingness to read and reread whatever helps you be that parent. For me it’s Janet Lansbury. Others might watch videos from the Parenting Junkie. You also need to simplify family life so you can focus on being this person. Get rid of any extras beside school. This is more important than soccer or swimming or traveling. Get to the other side and you will feel amazing and enjoy a true connection with your son.

This isn’t about learning a script to deal with disobedience. You have to embody confidence and faith in both of you. It neutralizes the power struggle.

(All you spankers really think you’re helping? Your kid will be too ashamed to tell you about the sexual fetish you’ve inadvertently caused, and how much they hide from you going forward)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again. So give me an example. If he hits me or kicks me do I give him a time out? (For us time out means going in your room) sometimes he doesn’t care ither times he hangs on the door. Feel like we’ve tried this so many times and the behavior didn’t change. What is something I do in the moment?

By now you should have been reading 1, 2, 3 Magic instead you are procrastinating and finding excuses.
Do not hit mom or anyone. First warning. You will lose your fav toy.
Second warning as you see he is about to hit. You hit me again your “fav toy” is going to the garbage.
Third warning. Repeat. Then take away his toy while he watches, and let him see you throw it away in the garage trash. When he picks it up, from that trash, strap him in his car seat. Drive to public trash can, throw it away and drive off.
No yelling, no relenting, no negotiating. Toy gone. He will cry, you do not react nor are mad just calm.

This worked for us^^^ with similar tantrums.

This is horrible. Don’t throw out stuff.

+1. That’s insane and horrible parenting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again. So give me an example. If he hits me or kicks me do I give him a time out? (For us time out means going in your room) sometimes he doesn’t care ither times he hangs on the door. Feel like we’ve tried this so many times and the behavior didn’t change. What is something I do in the moment?

By now you should have been reading 1, 2, 3 Magic instead you are procrastinating and finding excuses.
Do not hit mom or anyone. First warning. You will lose your fav toy.
Second warning as you see he is about to hit. You hit me again your “fav toy” is going to the garbage.
Third warning. Repeat. Then take away his toy while he watches, and let him see you throw it away in the garage trash. When he picks it up, from that trash, strap him in his car seat. Drive to public trash can, throw it away and drive off.
No yelling, no relenting, no negotiating. Toy gone. He will cry, you do not react nor are mad just calm.

This worked for us^^^ with similar tantrums.

This is horrible. Don’t throw out stuff.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again. So give me an example. If he hits me or kicks me do I give him a time out? (For us time out means going in your room) sometimes he doesn’t care ither times he hangs on the door. Feel like we’ve tried this so many times and the behavior didn’t change. What is something I do in the moment?

By now you should have been reading 1, 2, 3 Magic instead you are procrastinating and finding excuses.
Do not hit mom or anyone. First warning. You will lose your fav toy.
Second warning as you see he is about to hit. You hit me again your “fav toy” is going to the garbage.
Third warning. Repeat. Then take away his toy while he watches, and let him see you throw it away in the garage trash. When he picks it up, from that trash, strap him in his car seat. Drive to public trash can, throw it away and drive off.
No yelling, no relenting, no negotiating. Toy gone. He will cry, you do not react nor are mad just calm.

This worked for us^^^ with similar tantrums.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We have tried time out. He doesn’t respond to it- doesn’t seem to care. When he took the cheese, he runs away laughing and he’s very fast and I (literally) can’t catch him. I let him pick out his clothes and he still doesn’t get dressed. When I yell at him, or when my husband yells at him, he sort of freezes and ignores us. I feel like he’s so difficult that lately i just relent and let him watch tv. I’m out of things to do. The only thing he consistently does it take his shoes off before coming in the house (a rule) but everything else he ignores. He isn’t motivated by rewards and isn’t deterred by time outs. Sometimes he’s great (mainly when not in the house)