I want to stress that there are options available that mean your husband will not have to spend his entire inheritance on his brother. That is so sad and not necessary. It sounds like his family has the means to set him up.

Brother needs:
A home (either his own home or a group home)
Disability payments every month
A social worker who can help him manage logistics.

I think you're reasonable OP! I think there are a lot of SN moms on this board and their feelings are clouding their judgement. This SN brother has a large inheritance and another one coming to him. Surely he also get social security disability?

OP maybe you could look at larger homes that have an inlaw suite for brother in case he needs it? Maybe then your dh would use his inheritance.

I do think it's selfish he won't use his inheritance and expects you to use yours.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is suggesting that I use the 34k annual gift I get from my parents towards the new house in perpetuity. It really irks me that he's suggesting this while refusing to consider using any of his inheritance and any of our joint savings for a new house. I don't think I'm being crazy here for being pissed off about this. Maybe I should just spend the money on jewelry, spa vacations, hand bags, etc. just for myself rather than on something that would benefit the family if he refuses to spend on anything that would actually, you know, improve his kids' quality of life.

I completely understand where you are coming from. You are putting the immediate family first and he is not. This is typical of how women think vs men.

Please don’t enable this rotten woman. DH is the only person even considering his brother’s future - OP is annoyed because she wants a bigger house than they can afford with marital assets. BFD.

Would you be willing to sell the huge house when BIL needs care? Probably not, right?

So it makes sense to save that money for care, not tie it up in the house. Unless there is another way to find many thousands a month to pay for good care for your BIL once he needs it.

Maybe you'll be able to say, "I told you so!" when MIL dies and BIL inherits millions to cover care. Then you can spend the inheritance you have on whatever selfish luxuries you and DH wish. Alternatively, MIL might end up in ridiculously expensive end of life care and drain everything she's saved. Until then, the prudent thing is to save it.

Why don't you both put in 34K. That seems like a reasonable amount as it isn't going to empty the bank but makes for equal contributions.

I doubt OP wants the chronically ill brother to end up in their home so ensuring finances for his care from DHs family money is a good idea.

Anonymous wrote: He is refusing to consider spending any of the money because he assumes he will be completely financially responsible for his disabled brother when his mother passes away and he wants to save the money for that. His brother has severe mental illness (schizophrenia/psychosis) and lives with his mother. His mother is in good shape but is 80 years old. She is in complete denial about the severity of her son's illness and as far as we know has not made any provisions for his care or set up any special needs trusts, etc.. DH's brother has/will inherit a decent sum of money but DH assumes that his brother will be preyed upon/be unable to manage the money.

Tell us more, OP.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is suggesting that I use the 34k annual gift I get from my parents towards the new house in perpetuity. It really irks me that he's suggesting this while refusing to consider using any of his inheritance and any of our joint savings for a new house. I don't think I'm being crazy here for being pissed off about this. Maybe I should just spend the money on jewelry, spa vacations, hand bags, etc. just for myself rather than on something that would benefit the family if he refuses to spend on anything that would actually, you know, improve his kids' quality of life.

I completely understand where you are coming from. You are putting the immediate family first and he is not. This is typical of how women think vs men.

OP, I'm in the exact same situation as your husband (down to the details -- my father has passed, received a portion of inheritance that I'm not touching, my mom is still alive, brother with schizophrenia, mom in denial.)

His mom needs to wake up and make plans for the brother so that the entire burden isn't on your husband, and also so the money isn't just wasted. Brother is likely eligible for disability, which will ease the financial burden for your husband. They can also figure out the housing situation -- can she set him up in a paid-for home? Group home? Maybe your husband can help her get realistic about options.

These conversations with my mom were EXTREMELY difficult. But they needed to happen. She ended up setting up a trust and will pass on her paid-off house to just him. And giving me access to money that is just for me. My brother still isn't on disability because he doesn't believe he is disabled (even though he has never worked), but I made it clear to both of them that i won't be responsible for him, but would help him navigate the channels that are available to him, if he wants that.

I'm sure your husband is so stressed out by this situation. Maybe, you can help him make sense of it and also map out clear boundaries so he doesn't just feel that he needs to be endlessly responsible and spend literally a million dollars.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is suggesting that I use the 34k annual gift I get from my parents towards the new house in perpetuity. It really irks me that he's suggesting this while refusing to consider using any of his inheritance and any of our joint savings for a new house. I don't think I'm being crazy here for being pissed off about this. Maybe I should just spend the money on jewelry, spa vacations, hand bags, etc. just for myself rather than on something that would benefit the family if he refuses to spend on anything that would actually, you know, improve his kids' quality of life.

You are a totally spoiled brat. And it is unreasonable for you to be pissed about this. You have way more money than almost everyone and you resent the fact that your husband is planning ahead with regard to his totally dependent brother?

Him earmarking money to support his schizophrenic brother is not the same as blowing cash on jewelry and spa days. You sound absolutely insufferable.

Just use the money you have! Welcome to the world, grasshopper.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is suggesting that I use the 34k annual gift I get from my parents towards the new house in perpetuity. It really irks me that he's suggesting this while refusing to consider using any of his inheritance and any of our joint savings for a new house. I don't think I'm being crazy here for being pissed off about this. Maybe I should just spend the money on jewelry, spa vacations, hand bags, etc. just for myself rather than on something that would benefit the family if he refuses to spend on anything that would actually, you know, improve his kids' quality of life.

Would you be okay with using his inheritance towards the house now and putting your $34k gift into an account to be saved for brother's care? Maybe that's a compromise?

Your DH isn't spending the money on drugs and hookers. He's saving to take care of a mentally ill sibling. You act like he's wasting it on selfish things, when really he's being rather selfless, isn't he?

Meaning, in perpetuity until you know BIL has enough to cover his care.

Your husband saving the money is reasonable.

You not using your annual gift is reasonable.

Paying for your own damn house with your combined salary is reasonable. Buy a smaller home.

I really hope this is a troll post.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is suggesting that I use the 34k annual gift I get from my parents towards the new house in perpetuity. It really irks me that he's suggesting this while refusing to consider using any of his inheritance and any of our joint savings for a new house. I don't think I'm being crazy here for being pissed off about this. Maybe I should just spend the money on jewelry, spa vacations, hand bags, etc. just for myself rather than on something that would benefit the family if he refuses to spend on anything that would actually, you know, improve his kids' quality of life.

Would you be okay with using his inheritance towards the house now and putting your $34k gift into an account to be saved for brother's care? Maybe that's a compromise?

Your DH isn't spending the money on drugs and hookers. He's saving to take care of a mentally ill sibling. You act like he's wasting it on selfish things, when really he's being rather selfless, isn't he?

You sound like a parasite with all you take from others. What exactly is your plan for when your DH has to assume responsibility for the brother?

OP here. DH is suggesting that I use the 34k annual gift I get from my parents towards the new house in perpetuity. It really irks me that he's suggesting this while refusing to consider using any of his inheritance and any of our joint savings for a new house. I don't think I'm being crazy here for being pissed off about this. Maybe I should just spend the money on jewelry, spa vacations, hand bags, etc. just for myself rather than on something that would benefit the family if he refuses to spend on anything that would actually, you know, improve his kids' quality of life.