I'm one of the people who orders wine, appetizers, and dessert at celebratory dinners out. I'm always the first to suggest separate checks or if it's an even split, I'm always offering to throw in more. I wouldn't dream of expecting my friends to subsidize my meal!

I’m a non drinker and I have never had friends expect me to split evenly when we go out. When we do they usually tell me not to tip. If people don’t mention it I will just say “I didn’t drink so how about I don’t tip?”. Once I brought up that I didn’t drink and because we were there for a long time people just said outright not to worry about it and they took care of my meal (meals and drinks are often similar prices. $18 for drink and $18 for the burger).

I like the person who said bring cash. Just put down your cash that you are sure covers your portion and birthday person and don’t worry about the rest.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Different people have different traditions - for some the person whose birthday it is pays, in others they should never pay. All of these are fine.

What isn't fine is being a pain in the neck and making a big fuss about the bill. Either go and go graciously, paying whatever is needed, or, if money is really an issue, make an excuse and opt out. Don't complicate people's lives.

+1

Asking the host how the bill will be handled is fine, of course, but asking the waiter for 8 separate checks + birthday person's check split 8 ways and added to those checks is a PITA. Splitting evenly among guests makes more sense, even if it is unfair for the person who drinks a glass of wine and then looks on like a hawk when another guest has 2 glasses of wine and - gasp! - a cocktail.

Be willing to suck it up and split a bill evenly or don't go.

Oh come on. The problem is not the OP, who is on a budget and doesn't want to subsidize everyone else's meals. The problem is the people (like you, perhaps), who understand that the bill will be split and then proceed to order several appetizers, the lobster, and tons of drinks. The non-drinker who orders the salad shouldn't have to contribute absurd amounts of money to subsidize your excesses. The non drinking vegetarians like me always get shafted by the gluttons like you who are looking for a free ride.

Absolutely! And I can’t imagine expecting other people to pay my share. Such bad form. Separate check is the way to go. If it’s awkward for a minute, oh well.

I agree with separate checks and think that the restaurant industry should accommodate it regardless of the party size. If you can take my individual order, why is it any more inconvenient to provide a separate bill. I agree that some bill splitters intentionally take advantage of the bill being split to splurge. Whereas if they were absorbing the full cost of their indulgence solo they would never. This is question valid.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Different people have different traditions - for some the person whose birthday it is pays, in others they should never pay. All of these are fine.

What isn't fine is being a pain in the neck and making a big fuss about the bill. Either go and go graciously, paying whatever is needed, or, if money is really an issue, make an excuse and opt out. Don't complicate people's lives.

+1

Asking the host how the bill will be handled is fine, of course, but asking the waiter for 8 separate checks + birthday person's check split 8 ways and added to those checks is a PITA. Splitting evenly among guests makes more sense, even if it is unfair for the person who drinks a glass of wine and then looks on like a hawk when another guest has 2 glasses of wine and - gasp! - a cocktail.

Be willing to suck it up and split a bill evenly or don't go.

Oh come on. The problem is not the OP, who is on a budget and doesn't want to subsidize everyone else's meals. The problem is the people (like you, perhaps), who understand that the bill will be split and then proceed to order several appetizers, the lobster, and tons of drinks. The non-drinker who orders the salad shouldn't have to contribute absurd amounts of money to subsidize your excesses. The non drinking vegetarians like me always get shafted by the gluttons like you who are looking for a free ride.

Absolutely! And I can’t imagine expecting other people to pay my share. Such bad form. Separate check is the way to go. If it’s awkward for a minute, oh well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Different people have different traditions - for some the person whose birthday it is pays, in others they should never pay. All of these are fine.

What isn't fine is being a pain in the neck and making a big fuss about the bill. Either go and go graciously, paying whatever is needed, or, if money is really an issue, make an excuse and opt out. Don't complicate people's lives.

+1

Asking the host how the bill will be handled is fine, of course, but asking the waiter for 8 separate checks + birthday person's check split 8 ways and added to those checks is a PITA. Splitting evenly among guests makes more sense, even if it is unfair for the person who drinks a glass of wine and then looks on like a hawk when another guest has 2 glasses of wine and - gasp! - a cocktail.

Be willing to suck it up and split a bill evenly or don't go.

Also, if people carry cash or do venmo, there's no reason to even need to split a bill evenly. You can pretty easily find the cost of what you ordered. Double that to account for tax, tip, and contribution to the birthday person's meal, and you should be good. Is everyone that bad at math that they can't reasonably figure out what they owe?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Different people have different traditions - for some the person whose birthday it is pays, in others they should never pay. All of these are fine.

What isn't fine is being a pain in the neck and making a big fuss about the bill. Either go and go graciously, paying whatever is needed, or, if money is really an issue, make an excuse and opt out. Don't complicate people's lives.

+1

Asking the host how the bill will be handled is fine, of course, but asking the waiter for 8 separate checks + birthday person's check split 8 ways and added to those checks is a PITA. Splitting evenly among guests makes more sense, even if it is unfair for the person who drinks a glass of wine and then looks on like a hawk when another guest has 2 glasses of wine and - gasp! - a cocktail.

Be willing to suck it up and split a bill evenly or don't go.

Oh come on. The problem is not the OP, who is on a budget and doesn't want to subsidize everyone else's meals. The problem is the people (like you, perhaps), who understand that the bill will be split and then proceed to order several appetizers, the lobster, and tons of drinks. The non-drinker who orders the salad shouldn't have to contribute absurd amounts of money to subsidize your excesses. The non drinking vegetarians like me always get shafted by the gluttons like you who are looking for a free ride.

Oh the people saying don’t go are annoying me! Ha.
Tell the person organizing
Get a separate check.
Maybe pay more than $25 and don’t get a gift. Like chip in $50 or something.

Enjoy! And don’t think twice.

OP, are you familiar with the restaurant or have you checked out the menu so you know what to expect, price-wise?

Anonymous wrote:Op here, thanks for the useful suggestions! It seems like there's a split on how to approach it, which is why I asked.

I will never be clear on why some have such extreme reactions to a basic question. It's like you wake up angry and looking for the smallest thing to justify your anger. There wasn't a single thing wrong with my question. A) I am on a budget B) I love my relative, and I'm excited to celebrate with them and C) I don't like to assume.

OP, you are lovely, and I don't know why people are insulting you, as though needing to stick to a budget is some sort of character flaw.

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you need to give a gift? In my circles, adults don’t usually get actual gifts (maybe parents, but not siblings or other their relatives). If we go out on their birthday, that’s a gift, so maybe you can use the gift $ towards the cost of the dinner.

Good point. I will reduce the gift. I had planned to give $75 but will give $50 as the gift instead and use the rest for dinner. $125 is my limit for the evening. Hopefully, that will be enough to cover either scenario of bill splitting.

OP, if I were in your shoes, I'd decline the group invitation and schedule a separate outing with the guest of honor in which YOU are the host and can plan something within your budget.

Anonymous wrote:If you are invited to a birthday party, I would not expect to pay at all.

???? Usually birthday dinners are expensive to attend because you’re expected to chip in for the birthday girl. Also often some jerk who ordered three times as you inevitably says, “oh it’s so much easier to split the bill rather than itemize!”

Anonymous wrote:If the birthday person invited everyone, they are expecting to pay. If it’s more of a “hey, let’s get together to celebrate X’s birthday” then it is probably each pay for their own and chip in equally for the birthday person or maybe split equally. I think it’s fine to ask, especially as splitting evenly can cause a lot of hard feelings when some people are on a budget and drinking water and others are ordering bottles of wine and apps for the table.

Not necessarily. Sometimes they want to get together for their birthday but then happily accept other’s paying for them. OP, in your shoes, I’d bow out. There’s too much risk you will be required to pay over your budget. And even if the birthday organizer says it’s all fine and she’ll cover you, in the heat of the moment someone else will say the group can’t let the birthday person pay and will rally everyone to treat her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Different people have different traditions - for some the person whose birthday it is pays, in others they should never pay. All of these are fine.

What isn't fine is being a pain in the neck and making a big fuss about the bill. Either go and go graciously, paying whatever is needed, or, if money is really an issue, make an excuse and opt out. Don't complicate people's lives.

+1

Asking the host how the bill will be handled is fine, of course, but asking the waiter for 8 separate checks + birthday person's check split 8 ways and added to those checks is a PITA. Splitting evenly among guests makes more sense, even if it is unfair for the person who drinks a glass of wine and then looks on like a hawk when another guest has 2 glasses of wine and - gasp! - a cocktail.

Be willing to suck it up and split a bill evenly or don't go.

I agree, and I say this as somebody who sometimes has to decline these big group birthday dinners due to cost. Even if a separate check is an option, ordering water and a salad while everybody else is enjoying round after round of cocktails, apps, desserts doesn't sound like much fun to me.

Anonymous wrote:Different people have different traditions - for some the person whose birthday it is pays, in others they should never pay. All of these are fine.

What isn't fine is being a pain in the neck and making a big fuss about the bill. Either go and go graciously, paying whatever is needed, or, if money is really an issue, make an excuse and opt out. Don't complicate people's lives.

+1

Asking the host how the bill will be handled is fine, of course, but asking the waiter for 8 separate checks + birthday person's check split 8 ways and added to those checks is a PITA. Splitting evenly among guests makes more sense, even if it is unfair for the person who drinks a glass of wine and then looks on like a hawk when another guest has 2 glasses of wine and - gasp! - a cocktail.

Be willing to suck it up and split a bill evenly or don't go.