Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1999. That is the important part here, people. OP is acting totally insane.

I am the OP. Why is the year of my mom's death relevant when I still haven't found closure?

My mom was completely unable to talk about her diagnosis (malignant cancer which turned out to be terminal) to anyone which made things worse I think.
There was no real 'goodbye'.

Because 23 years is a long time to not seek treatment for unresolved grief and to withhold empathy and support from your own grieving spouse because of it.

OP again.
I have never sought treatment or therapy in my life.
I was brought up to deal with your problems without leaning on others, or asking for help (unless it was a serious and urgent situation).

I was born in 1968 and therapy or councelling wasn't really a thing when I was growing up. It was kind of frowned upon in my family.
My dad's side of the family were a little more open and more communicative, but my mom's side were not, and problems/emotions were dealt with within each nuclear family unit. You wouldn't really seek help from outside.

OP, I think your grief is valid and I cannot imagine “getting over” the death of parents in 23 years or 32 or any number. Your desire to process that grief and depend on your husband as you work through your feelings, when he’s currently dealing with a dying parent, is less sympathic. Now might be a good time to start thinking about therapy. I get that you grew up with a stigma against it and this old grief might not feel like it makes you “need” therapy but I do think you sound start thinking about it. Or as someone else suggested think if you have any friends who either lost parents young or at least aren’t currently in the process of losing them to talk to. It’s fine to want to grieve or talk or vent; it’s not fine to disrespect or undermine your DH’s grief. He can be lucky to have had loving parents for a long time and still be sad.

OP, I also lost my parents in quick succession when I was fairly young (long before I had kids), so I get it. We have friends who are very close to their parents, and it's hard not to envy that.

The flip side is that I also have friends who are dealing with caregiving for elderly parents who have complicated health issues, including dementia. And I can't lie, I'm also grateful I'll never have to deal with that.

Everyone has hard stuff. Some sooner, some later.

Losing loved ones is difficult no matter how old you are. It’s different when they die young and unexpectedly than when they die old after a long illness and you knew death was imminent, for sure. But it’s still hard no matter what. I am sure nothing compares to losing your parents and I am very lucky my parents are still living so I don’t know how that feels. But I have experienced a lot of loss. I lost my lifelong best friend when we were very young (21). She died very suddenly and unexpectedly. A few years later I lost another close friend at age 25, also very suddenly and unexpectedly. Then the following year I lost a cousin I was very close to—she was almost 30 years older than I am and was like a surrogate parent/close aunt to me growing up. She died after a year long battle w cancer so we knew it was coming but she was only 53 so very young. Then that same year my grandfather who I was very close to died at age 88 after having dementia for years. ALL of those deaths were very difficult. No matter how old the person is, no matter if they were sick and I knew they would probably die soon or if their death completely shocked me, it was all traumatic and painful and sad. Each time.

I am very sorry that you lost your parents young. That’s horrible and it’s not fair. But going through the loss of a loved one is always hard. Grief is not a competition.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1999. That is the important part here, people. OP is acting totally insane.

I am the OP. Why is the year of my mom's death relevant when I still haven't found closure?

My mom was completely unable to talk about her diagnosis (malignant cancer which turned out to be terminal) to anyone which made things worse I think.
There was no real 'goodbye'.

Because 23 years is a long time to not seek treatment for unresolved grief and to withhold empathy and support from your own grieving spouse because of it.

OP again.
I have never sought treatment or therapy in my life.
I was brought up to deal with your problems without leaning on others, or asking for help (unless it was a serious and urgent situation).

I was born in 1968 and therapy or councelling wasn't really a thing when I was growing up. It was kind of frowned upon in my family.
My dad's side of the family were a little more open and more communicative, but my mom's side were not, and problems/emotions were dealt with within each nuclear family unit. You wouldn't really seek help from outside.

Anonymous wrote:I agree with you. I find it very odd when people are gravely grieved over someone who was 95 and had cancer or dementia for years. How do they not grieve them beforehand?

They do, it's called anticipatory grieving. I did some of that when my 68 year old father was dying from ALS. The grief is always there, but you get used to it. Grieving is a process and we definitely feel it most acutely when our loved one dies. I can tell you 13 years later, I still feel the loss of my dad. It's not as painful, because I'm used to missing him, but it's never going to feel okay not having him in my life anymore. In some ways, I think it can be harder to grieve when you've had them in your life for so long. I was 35.

Anonymous wrote:It might be normal, but it's also irrational and unproductive. People are going to grieve their parents, and it's not a competition. Their grief doesn't have anything to do with yours. They love their parents and they will be sad and struggle when they die. Again, it's not a competition or a zero-sum game. They have the right to be as sad as they feel.

This. I was 38 when my parents died within 6 months of each other. They were 66 and 69. I was in a bereavement group with a 70 yo lady who lost her 90yo mom and was worried she'd also lose her 95 yo dad. Talk about a mind f@ck. She was a grandmother and I had young kids. My kids will never know my parents, except through pictures and my stories. Anyway, I could see that her pain was as valid as mine, but she has the comfort of having had 70 years with her parents. Again, not a competition. Losing ones parents hurts, no matter how old you are.

Anonymous wrote:I agree with you. I find it very odd when people are gravely grieved over someone who was 95 and had cancer or dementia for years. How do they not grieve them beforehand?

You do. And you also grieve all their behavior you have to put up with while they have dementia or illness. And then you grieve after as well.

It's not a grief-off. It sounds like OP still has a lot of grief about their parents dying young so many years ago. And that's fine. There is no time limit.

I mean feelings are feelings. I grew up without a dad, 100%. A friend of mine had a very close relationship with her dad and has been in serious stages of grief since his death two years ago. Never in a thousand years would I voice this to her, but I have struggled not to feel like she's really the lucky one, to have had a dad and a close relationship with him at all.

But those feelings don't help anyone and I don't dwell in them. I acknowledge them and move on. Comparison is the thief of joy.

Anonymous wrote:I agree with you. I find it very odd when people are gravely grieved over someone who was 95 and had cancer or dementia for years. How do they not grieve them beforehand?

They do. And then they grieve them when they are gone. Grief isn't a thing you do and then are done with. We grieve the loss of the people we love. Have you lost a 95-year-old loved one?

I agree with you. I find it very odd when people are gravely grieved over someone who was 95 and had cancer or dementia for years. How do they not grieve them beforehand?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1999. That is the important part here, people. OP is acting totally insane.

I am the OP. Why is the year of my mom's death relevant when I still haven't found closure?

My mom was completely unable to talk about her diagnosis (malignant cancer which turned out to be terminal) to anyone which made things worse I think.
There was no real 'goodbye'.

Because 23 years is a long time to not seek treatment for unresolved grief and to withhold empathy and support from your own grieving spouse because of it.

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is true of any painful situation that you have experienced and others haven’t. They’re not going to fully get it, nor is it reasonable to expect them to. Don’t insist that others put aside their own pain for yours - that’s not fair.

Instead, you have to find the people who DO get it and rely on them for support when you get upset. I have one girlfriend who truly understands the levels (depths?) of my one sibling’s hideous behavior, and so she’s the one I turn to when that hits the fan. I can do the same for her because I get it. I have other friends to whom I’m overall closer but from whom I don’t seek support on this issue because they have no clue. That’s okay.

This is great advice. Find someone else who lost their parents young so you can commiserate with them. Since your MIL is in very poor health I assume this is all coming to a head. You need someone to talk to. Obviously you could pay a therapist, but, my guess is that you don't need that level of intervention. I do think your feelings are normal BTW. I have a good friend who lost her parents young, and I try not to complain about mine who are elderly and annoying.

I am also an only child.

Is it possible that you are revisiting the grief of your parents’ deaths because your husband is navigating this life event with siblings and support you didn’t have? Or that he is navigating it with the wisdom and life experience of a person in their 50s instead of as a 30yr old whose friends can’t possibly understand?

More cynically - how much do you identify as an orphan? Is it one of your “Top 3 descriptors” - Mom, Wife, Orphan? Or even “orphan, wife, mom”? Ask yourself (or a friend you trust) honestly how often you bring up your orphan status in daily life and what kind of sympathy or support you receive.
Is it possible you at at an age where more and more friends and acquaintances are becoming orphans as well? In your 60s and 70s it will almost be assumed you have no living parents. If being an orphan a core part of your identity, are you mourning the loss of your special status or jealous that other people currently actively losing parents are getting more attention than you?

There is not a grief contest OP.

My dh lost him mom really young and his dad really old. He was surprised at how much losing his dad at age 96 affected him.

My 78 year old father was very active, mentally and physically, and had lots of plans for the future when he was diagnosed with cancer. He died 6 weeks later. A few months later, my 54 year old cousin died after a nearly 20 year battle with cancer, after cheating death repeatedly following multiple stage IV diagnoses. I learned that it hurts to lose someone who is too young. It hurts to lose someone elderly. It hurts when they’re gone rather suddenly. It hurts when you’ve known for years that they’re living on borrowed time. It just hurts to lost someone you live, period.