It’s too painful to write it down.

But now I have my own son who I love WAY too much, who I joyfully spoil with hugs and kisses and attention, flawed but loving in-laws, a handful of true friends. Even my STBX is a fundamentally caring person despite being a jack-*ss as well.

My mom reminded me all my life that I was an unplanned pregnancy and that she was hoping for a boy. But she got a girl. She repeated to me often that she was given advice to ignore my cries as an infant so she did that. She says it wasn’t necessary to attend to my needs, it was okay to let me cry.

At some point she lost my birth certificate and I had to order a new one so that I could apply for a passport.

So I guess I’ve had an inkling for a while of where I stood in her life. As an adult, I realize how seriously fked up it was that a mom would say this stuff to a kid.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty early on...it's not the worst thing that was done to me, but it was the moment I knew. I was 4 or 5.

My mom used to take me to the grocery store most days, and kids would get to pick a cookie from the dessert case without charge. My mom would take me to the bakery and the woman working would ask me what I wanted, and then get it from the case and hand it to me in wax paper to eat in the store.

And as soon as we left the store, my mom would yell at me about how I always had to pick the cookie that was hardest to reach for that poor bakery lady. How I wasted her time by taking too long to decide. How I told which one I wanted and then inconvenienced her by changing my mind.

I always wondered why she cared more about that bakery woman than me.....

I am sorry, unfortunately I recognize myself in your mom. My kid DID take a while to decide, then would change his mind, etc. I wasn’t yelling but I did reproach him for this. Honestly, for the free thing you make your pick quickly and stick to it. Sorry it’s probably not what you wanted to hear.

I mean yeah but the mom could have said nicely, honey, next time try to pick more quickly so that we don’t take up too much of the old lady’s time. Be thinking about what you want while we are shopping

Anonymous wrote:When I disclosed autism diagnosis of my DC to them. There were no questions. There were no "what are you doing to help him". Instead, they said "well, at least your sister's kids are NORMAL".

It's been 10 years and no, I haven't been back to see them after that conversation.

Clearly they’re autistic as well. Not that they’d have the self awareness to make that genetic, behavior and socially inept comment connection.

When I disclosed autism diagnosis of my DC to them. There were no questions. There were no "what are you doing to help him". Instead, they said "well, at least your sister's kids are NORMAL".

It's been 10 years and no, I haven't been back to see them after that conversation.

I think people semi- realize it when they first move out or live with roommates or hang out more with another persons family. People realize there’s better ways of doing things, or what showing love or care can look like, or how much more talking or real interaction is going on.

In my dads case his roommates said Don’t be a slob. And he stopped being a slob. He realized his mom was overwhelmed with 7 kids and let the house go in that regard to triage other things like non-stop cooking, keeping kids out of trouble, etc.

The second time it happens is at marriage and raising kids. Marriage you see the inside of another’s family- the good, bad and ugly if they’re authentic and not totally fake. You compare it to yours. You may have cognitive dissonance.
Well, why didn’t my family take vacations or try a sport or not do holidays or birthdays?

Kids you realize the only role model you had may have sukked. And you vow to learn, do better and be better. Hopefully you didn’t marry someone like your father or mother either, if one or both were dysfunctional.

There were drips and drabs over the years, but when I moved back in with my mom and stepdad in my late 20s (had gone to grad school, started successful career) due to an abusive relationship blowing up and basically temporarily wrecking my life (I got things back on track quickly by finding new job through my professional network), it all became pretty clear. I had basically been the golden child before this incident, so it's not like I was the source of endless drama for years and they were fed up.

They are pretty wealthy and acted very put out about loaning me $5K, dunned me for it (I paid it back within a couple months), and when I asked for a few more thousand (I had gotten a great job lined up and was trying to get some paychecks and get sorted), they said they were short on cash (they were still working making mid-6 figures and millions in the bank, million dollar+ home paid off, etc.). My mom told all of her friends about the relationship blow up, creating a lot of awkwardness for me. I moved out as quickly as I could and never asked for a dime again (this was many many years ago).

I felt so ashamed and was grateful for letting me live with them for a few months, etc., and tried to just make the best of it. I even asked my mom to travel with me (well, my sister sort of pressured her into it too) when I had to fly and testify in court against the abuser. I was still very much crawling out of the financial hole that I was in, but I put both airline tickets, the hotel, all meals, the rental car, etc. on my credit card and they didn't offer to pay for any of it. I recall going for a cheap meal after the testimony and being so destroyed over the whole thing and just watching my mom refuse to pick up the check. Again, they are rich. I recall thinking I would not do that to my worst enemy.

When I got married and had kids a few years later, it all crystalized. Their involvement with the kids has been minimal (many years later) and they are just fairly self-absorbed.

I honestly wish it had been more obvious sooner.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty early on...it's not the worst thing that was done to me, but it was the moment I knew. I was 4 or 5.

My mom used to take me to the grocery store most days, and kids would get to pick a cookie from the dessert case without charge. My mom would take me to the bakery and the woman working would ask me what I wanted, and then get it from the case and hand it to me in wax paper to eat in the store.

And as soon as we left the store, my mom would yell at me about how I always had to pick the cookie that was hardest to reach for that poor bakery lady. How I wasted her time by taking too long to decide. How I told which one I wanted and then inconvenienced her by changing my mind.

I always wondered why she cared more about that bakery woman than me.....

Uh oh...she may have been trying to teach you to have consideration for others and be polite. Maybe there was a line and you were holding other customers up. I care deeply about my children, but could reasonably do something like this to teach them to thin about others in the right circumstances.

NP. Yelling at and berating and overly criticizing a 4-5 year old is not an effective way of teaching consideration and politeness.

Anonymous wrote:Pretty early on...it's not the worst thing that was done to me, but it was the moment I knew. I was 4 or 5.

My mom used to take me to the grocery store most days, and kids would get to pick a cookie from the dessert case without charge. My mom would take me to the bakery and the woman working would ask me what I wanted, and then get it from the case and hand it to me in wax paper to eat in the store.

And as soon as we left the store, my mom would yell at me about how I always had to pick the cookie that was hardest to reach for that poor bakery lady. How I wasted her time by taking too long to decide. How I told which one I wanted and then inconvenienced her by changing my mind.

I always wondered why she cared more about that bakery woman than me.....

Uh oh...she may have been trying to teach you to have consideration for others and be polite. Maybe there was a line and you were holding other customers up. I care deeply about my children, but could reasonably do something like this to teach them to thin about others in the right circumstances.

My sister tells me about horrible memories she has of listening to me cry and cry in my crib as an infant. My mother says she wanted to abort me but my father wouldn’t allow it. Then she had severe PPD and ignored me for months. Another woman in the neighborhood would take care of me for days on end and even tried to adopt me but she wouldn’t let her. I have massive anxiety now. When we tried to let my first child “cry it out “ at night I nearly had a breakdown. I still swear it’s the worst parenting advice I ever got and stopped after a few weeks but I swore I’d broken my poor baby (DC was 13 months old).

I think I have PTSD.

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry for everyone who sharing their experience. I hope you all find the love and security you need. I’m a new mom and seeing how much effort it takes to care for a baby, it almost seems like a miracle that babies in unloving homes grow up to be adults. I don’t mean this to be snarky. Somehow even when you felt like your parents didn’t care for you, someone made sure you were fed 4-8 times a day that first year! Truly a miracle.

Keeping your child fed is the lowest of low bars.

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry for everyone who sharing their experience. I hope you all find the love and security you need. I’m a new mom and seeing how much effort it takes to care for a baby, it almost seems like a miracle that babies in unloving homes grow up to be adults. I don’t mean this to be snarky. Somehow even when you felt like your parents didn’t care for you, someone made sure you were fed 4-8 times a day that first year! Truly a miracle.

Be thankful that you don't understand what many parents do to their babies and children. Harmony Montgomery and millions of other children were fed through their first year, but beaten and killed by those same parents. I saw my father spank my siblings and cousins for crying as infants. I know he did the same to me because it continued and got worse as I grew up.

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry for everyone who sharing their experience. I hope you all find the love and security you need. I’m a new mom and seeing how much effort it takes to care for a baby, it almost seems like a miracle that babies in unloving homes grow up to be adults. I don’t mean this to be snarky. Somehow even when you felt like your parents didn’t care for you, someone made sure you were fed 4-8 times a day that first year! Truly a miracle.

You should give your baby away now. Spare it a lifetime of you and your narcissism

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry for everyone who sharing their experience. I hope you all find the love and security you need. I’m a new mom and seeing how much effort it takes to care for a baby, it almost seems like a miracle that babies in unloving homes grow up to be adults. I don’t mean this to be snarky. Somehow even when you felt like your parents didn’t care for you, someone made sure you were fed 4-8 times a day that first year! Truly a miracle.

This is very snarky, sorry. You don’t understand the spectrum of child abuse.

My mother and father both were very concerned about appearances and rule following, as most authoritarian parents are. We were well fed, very clean, well dressed, had a nice home from a material standpoint and plenty of toys and books.

We were also beaten on the regular by our alcoholic abusive father and never really shown any affection or encouragement by our mother who put her lust for the abuser above the well being of her children. All of my parents children are substance abusers and have mental health problems and chronic health problems and a history of unstable intimate relationships and so do all their children thus far.

Feeding a baby is about the very least parenting required. Plenty of people feed a baby and keep it alive so they can torture it emotionally and physically for years, having a personal punching bag for all their frustrations in life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will add, he could only act for about and hour or two, then would disappear from the social event or just sit and watch or listen. He loved to say hey as to go work, then leave or be alone.

I think he did what he could. All his stamina was spent on critical events outside the home.

You mean wrong priorities.

Impressing neighbors for an hour of chit chat and then going home and neglecting your kids is wrong. That proves it’s about ego and image— to others, not your own kids and spouse’s care or feelings.