Anonymous
Post 01/18/2023 08:17     Subject: Has anyone successfully changed the dynamic with stifling ILs?
OP with my SMIL and FIL before we decided hotels for all we would get the worst stomach issues. You could not go poop ever. If you spent longer than 4 minutes in the bathroom, they asked questions and took offense assuming you ran away and hid rather than needed some privacy to poop. When my kids were young and actually told the truth, the grandparents found it incredibly impolite to get a truthful answer to "why did it take you so long?". Apparently very young children were supposed to lie to them when asked a direct question.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2023 07:53     Subject: Has anyone successfully changed the dynamic with stifling ILs?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP keeps adding details to make her sound reasonable because she was not winning the popularity contest.



Actually, most of us are agreeing with her that their expectations are ridiculous and not appropriate, and giving her suggestions on how to address it. Insert childish smiley face here.


+1! (Plus five extra points for “childish smiley face.”)
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2023 07:39     Subject: Has anyone successfully changed the dynamic with stifling ILs?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm not convinced we are getting the whole story. Is it really so bad that a kid can't go to the bathroom, or is it that they come only rarely and are offended when it's clear time hasn't been reserved out for them? When I travel half way across the continent to visit relatives, it's upsetting when we find out the kids have other plans for the two days we are there, like going out with friends that they could see anytime.

If the visits are short - like a couple of days - then it's not unreasonable to think they would get to spend most if not all of that time with the kids and family. If it's boring, then plan activities for all of you to do - even simple things, like playing cards or watching a movie. The kids might want to go bike-riding with friends the one day grandma is in town, but they need to learn that a family visit has priority over things like that. If they don't like it, too bad.


You are impressively wrong.


+1. The world does not stop because people are visiting. Certainly, we make our guests *a* priority when we visit. But they are not *the only* priority. And if they don’t like it, we can meet up at a vacation spot, or visit them, or they can stay in a hotel. Staying in our home is not compulsory, and if visitors don’t like that we don’t stop the world to sit and stare at them all day, we can see them in other ways.
Anonymous
Post 01/17/2023 23:25     Subject: Has anyone successfully changed the dynamic with stifling ILs?
Anonymous wrote:I'm not convinced we are getting the whole story. Is it really so bad that a kid can't go to the bathroom, or is it that they come only rarely and are offended when it's clear time hasn't been reserved out for them? When I travel half way across the continent to visit relatives, it's upsetting when we find out the kids have other plans for the two days we are there, like going out with friends that they could see anytime.

If the visits are short - like a couple of days - then it's not unreasonable to think they would get to spend most if not all of that time with the kids and family. If it's boring, then plan activities for all of you to do - even simple things, like playing cards or watching a movie. The kids might want to go bike-riding with friends the one day grandma is in town, but they need to learn that a family visit has priority over things like that. If they don't like it, too bad.


You are impressively wrong.
Anonymous
Post 01/17/2023 23:24     Subject: Has anyone successfully changed the dynamic with stifling ILs?
Anonymous wrote:OP keeps adding details to make her sound reasonable because she was not winning the popularity contest.



Actually, most of us are agreeing with her that their expectations are ridiculous and not appropriate, and giving her suggestions on how to address it. Insert childish smiley face here.
Anonymous
Post 01/17/2023 23:19     Subject: Has anyone successfully changed the dynamic with stifling ILs?
Anonymous wrote:You can have one set time with all of you when you are "visiting" with the ILs.

Everyone dresses up nicely and you all sit down for tea, coffee, milk and cake or cookies, one day for an hour or so. DH takes some pictures of the family and then the kids do their normal routine.

Maybe your kids are rude and ill-behaved? Maybe your ILs are old fashioned? My kids are young and they know how to visit my ILs for an hour or so. I will dress my kids up and take pictures with ILs. Later I send them these pictures and my ILs are very happy with it.

I am sorry OP, but usually I absolutely dismiss the DILs who are bad mouthing their MILs.


This is absolutely ridiculous, so I am sorry, PP, but I absolutely dismiss what you have to say.
Anonymous
Post 01/17/2023 23:14     Subject: Has anyone successfully changed the dynamic with stifling ILs?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the responses. DH is great about addressing things in the moment: “No, it’s fine for Caroline to go ride bikes with her friends; you’ll have plenty of time with her tonight and tomorrow.” “Yes, Jessica is going into the office today—I told you before we made plans for this visit that she can’t take off a lot of time.” “Mom, we’re all beat—we’re turning in early tonight.”

But if other posters think an official come to Jesus is for the best, I guess we’d rather try that than just shut them out.


Yes, your husband needs to have a talk in general. Be sure and figure out what you enjoy about time with them so you can throw that in and not make them feel attacked. I would have him practice what he will say to make sure it direct, but not hurtful. That is the first step. If you find that and reminders as needed are not enough, next step is hotels when you visit them and they visit you.

Sorry, but there is no way to have that conversation without them feeling attacked and hurt.


So?
Anonymous
Post 01/17/2023 23:11     Subject: Has anyone successfully changed the dynamic with stifling ILs?
Maybe give them a schedule? If they are Rigid people, they might like knowing exactly what is going to happen when. Set expectations that everyone will be there for certain meals or activities. And then have parts of the schedule that are “on your own” and suggest that they bring stuff to do or list stuff they can do during those periods.
Maybe they just don’t know what to do other than sit around and talk. It can be hard to spend time in someone else’s home. I’m scared to even touch the TV at my parents’ house because it is all set up in special ways.
Anonymous
Post 01/16/2023 10:50     Subject: Re:Has anyone successfully changed the dynamic with stifling ILs?
Treat them like pets - specifically puppies - lots and lots of activities in the early part of the day. Tons of activity + together time will lead to quiet, tired ILs later in the day. Make it clear to all that everyone is on and going hard early.