Anonymous
01/14/2023 11:07
Subject: Re:Both my husband and I have no friends
I could relate to a lot of this, OP. We moved to a different state years ago. Things started off well before the pandemic. We knew a few people when we moved here, my husband had a good friends we'd see a lot with their kids, and over time. We also made a few new friends in our neighborhood. We had get togethers and were invited to dinners. Then the pandemic hit. Some of our friends moved away or became very introverted. It took two years to finally reconnect with one of DH's friends even though they lived less than an hour away. DH also seemed very comfortable with pandemic life. He never really cared for the office and really embraced working from home full time. So did some of his colleagues. We used to see a few of them often; in fact, most of them live very close by. That said, we stopped getting together. I think a lot of people just turned inward and became accustomed to staying home, and perhaps become more selective when it came to deciding who to spend time with. Having kids of different ages and genders seemed to become the deciding factor. I've come to the conclusion that some "mom friend" relationships are circumstantial, even transactional.
So now, here we are three years post-pandemic with a very small social circle. We're probably going to move in a year. I really don't feel like I'm going to miss much at this point. I do hope that we're able to find new friends through work. I'll most likely change jobs when we move. Maybe we'll meet people through school, the neighborhood, and join some local clubs, help out with maintaining a local park, who knows. I do think it came to be very hard at this stage of our lives, mid-40s with kids, to find friends. Depending on where you live, people can be cliquish and unwilling to invite new people into their circle. Carolyn Hax had a recent feature about a woman who said her husband turns off people so it's hard for them to find friends. OP, I get the sense based on what you'e written that you'd know whether your spouse turns off people (is he bombastic, racist, a substance abuser, a cad who gropes other women at BBQs). If not, I would just say yes, it's hard out there to connect with people, especially after so many people reduced their social circle, formed pods, and moved away from the office where many of us once connected easily with others. I don't know what else to tell you. I don't know what else to tell myself. Go back to church?
So now, here we are three years post-pandemic with a very small social circle. We're probably going to move in a year. I really don't feel like I'm going to miss much at this point. I do hope that we're able to find new friends through work. I'll most likely change jobs when we move. Maybe we'll meet people through school, the neighborhood, and join some local clubs, help out with maintaining a local park, who knows. I do think it came to be very hard at this stage of our lives, mid-40s with kids, to find friends. Depending on where you live, people can be cliquish and unwilling to invite new people into their circle. Carolyn Hax had a recent feature about a woman who said her husband turns off people so it's hard for them to find friends. OP, I get the sense based on what you'e written that you'd know whether your spouse turns off people (is he bombastic, racist, a substance abuser, a cad who gropes other women at BBQs). If not, I would just say yes, it's hard out there to connect with people, especially after so many people reduced their social circle, formed pods, and moved away from the office where many of us once connected easily with others. I don't know what else to tell you. I don't know what else to tell myself. Go back to church?
Anonymous
01/14/2023 11:02
Subject: Re:Both my husband and I have no friends
OP here. It probably is a vibe or energy thing. I have been in therapy about this issue of not having friends and I never got anywhere with it as the therapist never had any insights for me or suggestions. The therapist would always say, "it sounds like you're doing everything right, and I don't know why you're not having success socially."
How would I be able to figure out what the vibe thing is? I've often asked my husband if I put out some kind of negative vibe or whatever when he sees me in social situations and he always says no. I don't have anyone else to ask honestly since I don't really have any good friends. We're both pretty normal so it is puzzling.
Interestingly, neither of my parents has friends either and never has. My in-laws are more social and have friends.
How would I be able to figure out what the vibe thing is? I've often asked my husband if I put out some kind of negative vibe or whatever when he sees me in social situations and he always says no. I don't have anyone else to ask honestly since I don't really have any good friends. We're both pretty normal so it is puzzling.
Interestingly, neither of my parents has friends either and never has. My in-laws are more social and have friends.
Anonymous
01/14/2023 10:58
Subject: Re:Both my husband and I have no friends
Anonymous wrote:OP here. To clarify, DH has zero friends and has not made a new friend in 20 years.
I have a few acquaintances and one friend, but I want more friends and the friends/acquintances I have aren't good or great friends and we don't get together often (not my choice). It's more that no one really ever thinks of me or invites me to do anything.
I am a great listener and so is my husband. In fact, I often get told by new potential friends what a great listener I am. As an example, I went out for coffee with one lady who I met at a meetup group a few months ago, and at the end she said that I was such a good listener that I now knew more about her than her best friend does. Not sure what she meant by that exactly, but as is the usual pattern, she didn't contact me again or try to keep in touch, but when I invited her out for a walk three months later, she readily accepted. However the friendship has not really bloomed yet.
I have found that joining meetup groups meant for newcomers is the best way to meet new people who are actually looking for friends, so I have been doing that for years, but with little success.
Here is the usual pattern I seem to have in trying to make friends, please tell me what I'm doing wrong here. I have made some acquaintances from these meetup groups but they haven't moved into the friend category yet. They're ladies who are new to the area and they are looking for friends. I meet them at a meetup event and I invite them to meet up for coffee, and the outing goes well, but then I don't hear from them again.
So then I might invite them another time and we meetup two or three times a year but they seem to have no interest in texting or keeping in touch in between meetups, and that's the part that I find most frustrating. I feel like I try to keep in touch with them by texting for a few weeks or months, but find that I'm putting in all the effort to text and say, "hi, how is your day going" or "how was your weekend" and the relationship seems one sided, so I stop trying, and then I don't hear from them again and they don't invite me to do anything. So it's like all my potential new friendships stall. I find it really hard to figure out how to grow the friendship in these situations.
It’s possible that you are being such a “good listener” that you are making the other person feel like they need to dominate the conversation or there would be awkward pauses. They may feel that they are trying to open up with you but not getting anything back but a wall.
Truth is none of us can say for sure because we weren’t there but I don’t think this is solely about needing to host more or initiate. I think something else is going on in terms of the vibe you and your husband are giving off for you to have had so many interpersonal struggles for so long.
Anonymous
01/14/2023 10:57
Subject: Re:Both my husband and I have no friends
OP here. Well I join a lot of meetup groups for newcomers (even though I'm not a newcomer). This makes it easier to find friends as everyone there wants to make friends. At the events, I casually chat with other women to see who I have things in common with. And if I chat with someone who seems nice and I do have things in common with, I extend an invitation for coffee, get their number, and set it up.
But I don't know if I've ever felt a "spark" with another potential friend--yes, definitely later when I get to know them but not initially. I wouldn't even know what that felt like.
But I don't know if I've ever felt a "spark" with another potential friend--yes, definitely later when I get to know them but not initially. I wouldn't even know what that felt like.
Anonymous
01/14/2023 10:54
Subject: Re:Both my husband and I have no friends
Anonymous wrote:OP here. To clarify, DH has zero friends and has not made a new friend in 20 years.
I have a few acquaintances and one friend, but I want more friends and the friends/acquintances I have aren't good or great friends and we don't get together often (not my choice). It's more that no one really ever thinks of me or invites me to do anything.
I am a great listener and so is my husband. In fact, I often get told by new potential friends what a great listener I am. As an example, I went out for coffee with one lady who I met at a meetup group a few months ago, and at the end she said that I was such a good listener that I now knew more about her than her best friend does. Not sure what she meant by that exactly, but as is the usual pattern, she didn't contact me again or try to keep in touch, but when I invited her out for a walk three months later, she readily accepted. However the friendship has not really bloomed yet.
I have found that joining meetup groups meant for newcomers is the best way to meet new people who are actually looking for friends, so I have been doing that for years, but with little success.
Here is the usual pattern I seem to have in trying to make friends, please tell me what I'm doing wrong here. I have made some acquaintances from these meetup groups but they haven't moved into the friend category yet. They're ladies who are new to the area and they are looking for friends. I meet them at a meetup event and I invite them to meet up for coffee, and the outing goes well, but then I don't hear from them again.
So then I might invite them another time and we meetup two or three times a year but they seem to have no interest in texting or keeping in touch in between meetups, and that's the part that I find most frustrating. I feel like I try to keep in touch with them by texting for a few weeks or months, but find that I'm putting in all the effort to text and say, "hi, how is your day going" or "how was your weekend" and the relationship seems one sided, so I stop trying, and then I don't hear from them again and they don't invite me to do anything. So it's like all my potential new friendships stall. I find it really hard to figure out how to grow the friendship in these situations.
OP, how are you identifying these people you invite? IME, as someone who has made friends through things like fitness classes, in the neighborhood, there has to be genuine *mutual* spark AND they have to have availability. If you’re throwing out invitations to anyone who seems interested, that’s probably not going to yield much. People have to be open to new friendships and not everyone is. Plenty of people are, though - it’s not impossible.
Anonymous
01/14/2023 10:50
Subject: Re:Both my husband and I have no friends
Anonymous wrote:I’m the poster that talked about finding nondrinkers in church. You have to stop being so caught up in reciprocity of invitations. My husband and I are the inviters most of the time. We don’t score keep on reciprocity.
This is a great perspective! I'm not a great planner. I would say that people invite me/us more than the other way around. To me, any sort of relationship takes a certain amount of faith . . you assume that the person likes you, wants to spend time with you, but you know . . . LIFE. You don't take it personally.
OP, your husband feels that people don't ask him about himself as much as he does them . . . people can be oblivious like that. You get so excited that someone seems to want to know about you that you go on and on. That person is probably thinking, "Wow! This guy is a great listener/conversationalist!"
Anonymous
01/14/2023 10:44
Subject: Re:Both my husband and I have no friends
OP here. To clarify, DH has zero friends and has not made a new friend in 20 years.
I have a few acquaintances and one friend, but I want more friends and the friends/acquintances I have aren't good or great friends and we don't get together often (not my choice). It's more that no one really ever thinks of me or invites me to do anything.
I am a great listener and so is my husband. In fact, I often get told by new potential friends what a great listener I am. As an example, I went out for coffee with one lady who I met at a meetup group a few months ago, and at the end she said that I was such a good listener that I now knew more about her than her best friend does. Not sure what she meant by that exactly, but as is the usual pattern, she didn't contact me again or try to keep in touch, but when I invited her out for a walk three months later, she readily accepted. However the friendship has not really bloomed yet.
I have found that joining meetup groups meant for newcomers is the best way to meet new people who are actually looking for friends, so I have been doing that for years, but with little success.
Here is the usual pattern I seem to have in trying to make friends, please tell me what I'm doing wrong here. I have made some acquaintances from these meetup groups but they haven't moved into the friend category yet. They're ladies who are new to the area and they are looking for friends. I meet them at a meetup event and I invite them to meet up for coffee, and the outing goes well, but then I don't hear from them again.
So then I might invite them another time and we meetup two or three times a year but they seem to have no interest in texting or keeping in touch in between meetups, and that's the part that I find most frustrating. I feel like I try to keep in touch with them by texting for a few weeks or months, but find that I'm putting in all the effort to text and say, "hi, how is your day going" or "how was your weekend" and the relationship seems one sided, so I stop trying, and then I don't hear from them again and they don't invite me to do anything. So it's like all my potential new friendships stall. I find it really hard to figure out how to grow the friendship in these situations.
I have a few acquaintances and one friend, but I want more friends and the friends/acquintances I have aren't good or great friends and we don't get together often (not my choice). It's more that no one really ever thinks of me or invites me to do anything.
I am a great listener and so is my husband. In fact, I often get told by new potential friends what a great listener I am. As an example, I went out for coffee with one lady who I met at a meetup group a few months ago, and at the end she said that I was such a good listener that I now knew more about her than her best friend does. Not sure what she meant by that exactly, but as is the usual pattern, she didn't contact me again or try to keep in touch, but when I invited her out for a walk three months later, she readily accepted. However the friendship has not really bloomed yet.
I have found that joining meetup groups meant for newcomers is the best way to meet new people who are actually looking for friends, so I have been doing that for years, but with little success.
Here is the usual pattern I seem to have in trying to make friends, please tell me what I'm doing wrong here. I have made some acquaintances from these meetup groups but they haven't moved into the friend category yet. They're ladies who are new to the area and they are looking for friends. I meet them at a meetup event and I invite them to meet up for coffee, and the outing goes well, but then I don't hear from them again.
So then I might invite them another time and we meetup two or three times a year but they seem to have no interest in texting or keeping in touch in between meetups, and that's the part that I find most frustrating. I feel like I try to keep in touch with them by texting for a few weeks or months, but find that I'm putting in all the effort to text and say, "hi, how is your day going" or "how was your weekend" and the relationship seems one sided, so I stop trying, and then I don't hear from them again and they don't invite me to do anything. So it's like all my potential new friendships stall. I find it really hard to figure out how to grow the friendship in these situations.
Anonymous
01/14/2023 10:18
Subject: Re:Both my husband and I have no friends
Anonymous wrote:You cannot be well liked, social savvy and not have friends. A piece is missing here.
I am not sure how you figure out what you are missing, but you have to dig deeper.
I agree and I suspect some of it stems from the rather dysfunctional families you two grew up in. Have you tried individual therapy? I’m glad you two have each other as best friends, so many people don’t ever find that in life so it’s wonderful you two came together and young in life too.
Anonymous
01/14/2023 10:09
Subject: Both my husband and I have no friends
OP, there’s a lot more going on if the only constant in these situations is you and your husband. Being a good friend means getting to know people; being a good *listener* is critical. If you haven’t been able to sustain ANY friendships in adulthood, that’s not on other people.
I make friends easily and am fairly selective about the ones I want to be closer with. I find it hard to believe that you’re both “highly emotionally intelligent” and also can’t make friends with other adults. That’s like women who say they don’t have women friends because they’re “one of the guys.” That’s not why.
I make friends easily and am fairly selective about the ones I want to be closer with. I find it hard to believe that you’re both “highly emotionally intelligent” and also can’t make friends with other adults. That’s like women who say they don’t have women friends because they’re “one of the guys.” That’s not why.
Anonymous
01/14/2023 10:03
Subject: Both my husband and I have no friends
There are lots of posts on here about people being socially lazy and not initiating social contact or hosting. If you like the people, keep asking. It doesn’t mean they aren’t friends though if it really bothers you, you could make a light hint. People are busy, awkward, etc. and the pandemic just made things worse.
Anonymous
01/14/2023 10:02
Subject: Both my husband and I have no friends
When I get a yoga class, the last thing I want to do is have some lady come up to me and asked me to go to coffee! Sorry, but I’m there to exercise and relax, and escape my already too busy schedule.
Anonymous
01/14/2023 10:00
Subject: Re:Both my husband and I have no friends
I’m the poster that talked about finding nondrinkers in church. You have to stop being so caught up in reciprocity of invitations. My husband and I are the inviters most of the time. We don’t score keep on reciprocity.
Anonymous
01/14/2023 09:57
Subject: Re:Both my husband and I have no friends
Anonymous wrote:OP here. For those who were wondering, neither DH nor I drink. However I don't think any of our acquaintances/friends even knows this. We have not been invited to anything where alcohol would be served. No one ever invites us to do anything either together or separately.
Neither of us is from this area and we moved here when we got married. We also have no local family. We did have college and grad school friends but we both went to different colleges/grad schools that are nowhere near here and our friends all live in different places. I keep in touch with my college/grad school friends by email or text but only see them at school reunions. DH does not keep in touch with any college/grad school friends.
As another example, when we got married we eloped and the [b]main reason was that we had no one to invite to our wedding.[b]
Umm. It's you, not them, or DC. I find it very strange that after working in a place for 15 years, your husband has no work friends. I have worked in the same office for 15 years and some of my co-workers are my besties, life-long friends. Also, lots of co-workers whom I regularly go to lunch/coffee with (when in the office).
I am guessing one of you is very judgmental and/or abrasive. It's not the fact that neither of your drink. I have plenty of friends who don't drink. That's not a quality I use to screen people for whether I want to get to know them.
Anonymous
01/14/2023 09:54
Subject: Re:Both my husband and I have no friends
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all your responses, they are very helpful.
My husband is a very chatty, highly emotionally intelligent, thoughtful guy. However he doesn't drink and in general he does not connect with men easily because he doesn't have traditionally male interests. He is in a very high-powered job where he is very respected professionally. And he loves his job (but it's rare to find another guy who is in a similar field). But outside of work he doesn't drink, doesn't like beer, cars, exercise, or sports. So he doesn't have a lot to talk to men about. He has never watched a sports game and has no interest in cars. He does like home improvement however. He often complains that when he talks to other dad at the kids' sports that he has nothing much to contribute to the conversation or complains that the other dads don't ask him questions about himself, because he feels like he shows a lot of interest and asks them questions.
As for me, I am also a great conversationalist and highly emotionally intelligent. I also do have traditionally female interests and I feel that I connect easily with other ladies. I have started social groups (like the neighborhood book club), joined church committees, and taken fun classes (yoga) in the years since we moved here. I invite people all the time to meet up--at least 3-4 times per month. I'd say they accept about half the time. When we do meet up for coffee usually, I usually have one "first date" with these new potential friends and then I don't hear from them again. However if I reach out to them they will meet up a second time. That's the pattern I usually find--people are fine with hanging out with me if I put in all the effort and arrange something, but no one invites me or him to do anything, and never invites us as a family to do anything.
I don't think there's anything specific about us that turns people off. We're both trim and fit, normal weight, don't smell, and have good personal hygiene.
Pre-Covid we entertained a ton. We always had an annual Halloween party, 4th of July BBQ, etc. But we stopped doing all that when Covid started and it made us realize that it was a ton of work and no one ever reciprocated, so we haven't gotten back into it.
We do have family but none of them are local and the closest family is a 10 hour drive. We are not very close with our families but that's not our choice, it's theirs.
For our wedding, we ended up eloping because DH didn't want to invite his family (very dysfunctional) and my family didn't care about coming to a wedding and encouraged us to elope. DH had no friends he wanted to invite and my college/grad school friends were all over and I didn't feel that they needed to be at our wedding. I still keep in touch with them occasionally by email/text, but I only see them at reunions and they don't live far away in other states.
When we first moved to the area, we were in our 20s, didn't know a single person here, and were the only married couple when we joined 20's meetup type groups, so people weren't that interested in getting to know us. We never made any friends. Then when we bought a SFH house, we were the only DINKs in our neighborhood full of families, and people weren't that interested in getting to know us, so we didn't make any friends in the neighborhood (and are still in the same neighborhood and stil have no friends). Then we had kids and I did have more success joining mom groups and making some mom acquaintanes, but these friendships didn't last when everyone went to preschool. Then we made acquaintances in preschool, but once preschool was over, those relationships didn't last as people went to different Kindergartens. Now I'm finding it very difficult to find mom friends in elementary school.
I’m the PP of the way too long post. If people are accepting your invitations, they like you! I do way more of the inviting/planning things. What I never do is badger anyone. I’m a planner by nature and that’s something I bring to the table, other people bring other things. It’s fine!
Anonymous
01/14/2023 09:40
Subject: Re:Both my husband and I have no friends
He often complains that when he talks to other dad at the kids' sports that he has nothing much to contribute to the conversation or complains that the other dads don't ask him questions about himself,
Between this and how you describe that he thinks he’s excluded at work even though he’s very “well respected”… I don’t see how you can in the same post described him as highly emotionally intelligent. Something is off.