Anonymous wrote:Mother of 3 boys here, DH is one of 2 boys. My boys are still young but all our parents are friends. So if we are doing Christmas at my parents, ILs know they are invited, my parents explicitly invite them. Many times they come. Sometimes we have Christmas at ours, sometimes at ILs, sometimes at brother in laws. My advice would be to be grateful your sons are in stable relationships, celebrating either side of Christmas still counts, try to become friends with the girlfriends families. It will all work out.

And yes, you might spend Christmas alone some years either by choice or by necessity. It is all fine. You are all stable and healthy and trust me, you're getting hung up on things that don't matter.

Do you have siblings? Are they invited too? My parents are cool with whatever date we are available and I'm glad about that. I want to have Christmas day with my own family in my own house. They are local though and we go to their house sometime after Christmas for gift opening and dinner. I wouldn't want my parents at my ILs because my kids are closer to my parents and I want to make sure the ILs get one on one time with the grandkids.

Mother of 3 boys here, DH is one of 2 boys. My boys are still young but all our parents are friends. So if we are doing Christmas at my parents, ILs know they are invited, my parents explicitly invite them. Many times they come. Sometimes we have Christmas at ours, sometimes at ILs, sometimes at brother in laws. My advice would be to be grateful your sons are in stable relationships, celebrating either side of Christmas still counts, try to become friends with the girlfriends families. It will all work out.

And yes, you might spend Christmas alone some years either by choice or by necessity. It is all fine. You are all stable and healthy and trust me, you're getting hung up on things that don't matter.

We always did Christmas Eve into Christmas morning with my dad’s side of the family and Christmas with my moms family sometime between the 26th and New Years. My mom was one of 6 kids and they prioritized being together over the exact day it happened.

My spouse and I don’t have any issues with dividing family Christmas because he’s Jewish, so that’s another way to do it. Ha.

Anonymous wrote:You’re a grown woman, what difference does it make which day you celebrate? I’ll never understand people who need to celebrate holidays and birthdays on THE day.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No advice, but your post made me realize that this has happened to my in laws.

I'm one of three girls and we all three prioritize Christmas Eve with our parents and then slot in when we'll see our respective in laws around that.

My husband is one of three boys, and in the 7 years we've been married there has never been a Christmas or Thanksgiving that he and his brothers are all there with his parents on the same day to celebrate. His brothers are also married or seriously committed and seem to similarly prioritize their partners' family of origin and then plan something with their own around that.

I don't maliciously or even consciously plot to do this, it's just that I'm the planer and my husband does not romanticize and love holidays the way I do. I'm doing what I already know and already love and he's happy to do whatever.

Do you have sons? They are going to learn this model from you and you will not see them on holidays.

NP. Nooooo, that's not the takeaway. The takeaway is, it's fine to be a planner, or not, but the planner will set the tone. If they care, they need to step up and plan. If they don't care...that's fine.

Anonymous wrote:No advice, but your post made me realize that this has happened to my in laws.

I'm one of three girls and we all three prioritize Christmas Eve with our parents and then slot in when we'll see our respective in laws around that.

My husband is one of three boys, and in the 7 years we've been married there has never been a Christmas or Thanksgiving that he and his brothers are all there with his parents on the same day to celebrate. His brothers are also married or seriously committed and seem to similarly prioritize their partners' family of origin and then plan something with their own around that.

I don't maliciously or even consciously plot to do this, it's just that I'm the planer and my husband does not romanticize and love holidays the way I do. I'm doing what I already know and already love and he's happy to do whatever.

Do you have sons? They are going to learn this model from you and you will not see them on holidays.

Your kids learned what you taught them.

This is tricky. My parents live the Chicago area, which has meant wherever I have lived there is always a cheaper direct flight to their house than my in laws house.

Anonymous wrote:It is true that, because women generally make the plans, their families will get priority on the major holidays.

But that doesn't mean that you'll never have them for Christmas morning, or maybe you can go there Christmas morning sometimes.

Also, I just thought of something. They're just 23 and 25 with girlfriends, so the girlfriends are still "going home" themselves. Whomever your sons marry, and if they eventually have children, at some point they'll want to have Christmas in their own houses. That gives you more opportunities to be included there -- especially if your daughters-in-law have their own siblings, than her parents are also going to be visiting their other grandchildren some years.

--son with two brothers / father of three girls

I'm 38 and have never gotten a holiday at my house

I’m a DD and we always spend holidays with my DH’s family b/c they are local and my family lives out of state. My parents hate the cold so they won’t come visit over the winter holidays.

That said, DH’s family only gets together for short periods whereas my parents get extended visits with us and sometimes they meet us on vacation (built in babysitting for us and they get long periods of time with the grandkids).

I say all this b/c there are trade offs and you never know where they’ll settle down and where their future spouse’s family will live. And maybe they were just really excited to have girlfriends this year and in the future can do trade offs (Thanksgiving with one family, Christmas with the other).

My parents do go out with friends and travel to warm places during the holidays when we aren’t with them.

OP talks about "the holidays" but clearly only means "Christmas, observed on December 25th"

When all our parents were alive, we always celebrated Thanksgiving with my ILs and Christmas with my family (my siblings were usually there, too).

We also celebrated my ILs' birthdays with them and Easter with them. We had meals with them frequently throughout the year. And STILL my MIL thought they didn't see enough of us.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just...what? This is how things happened to shake out this particular year, and--with absolutely no direct communication with either of your sons--you have decided you know exactly how it is always going to go in the future, and have decided to be petty and miserable about it?

AND they both made a point to spend time with you this holiday season?!

This is where certain MILs lose all credibility and sympathy; when they aren't even MILs yet, they don't communicate, they make up stories in their head, they ignore the good things they got (two sons spending time with them during the holidays), and choose to be upset.

But OP is not a MIL. She is a self-centered DIL who has always had her own way. Feel sorry for her ILs who had a girl like her join their family.

Yes, I understand that. Which is why the words after the ones you conveniently bolded are "WHEN THEY AREN'T EVEN MILS YET."

Honestly, I don’t care. As long as we get together, who cares what day it is?

You need to be flexible on the day. Christmas works out for us because my family only celebrates xmas eve and DH's family only celebrates Christmas Day.

But, I have said this SO MANY times- The best gift my MIL ever gave me was not caring when we celebrated things. This year we had thanksgiving at their house the Sunday after thanksgiving and we are doing Christmas tomorrow. She has always been so "no pressure" towards us and it has laid the best foundation for my relationship with her. In return, I'm motivated to still make her feel special and we have several traditions now just for our family and my in laws (we all sleep over at their house for 3 nights Labor Day weekend, we do a summer vacation every other year, MIL and I take my DD to a play once a year).

Just let the actual days go and still plan your holidays! It takes so much pressure off everyone. Your sons WANT to spend time with you. Make it easy on them.

We always alternated growing up. We would do Christmas Day with one set of grandparents and see the others in the week between Christmas and New Year's. The following year we switched.

This is also what I do now with my family, although because our in-laws both live far away (in different directions and each is a plane ride) we don't try to do both over Christmas. We just alternate years and the side that doesn't get Christmas gets Thanksgiving. We always make a point to FaceTime with whoever we aren't seeing. Sometimes the parents grumble a little (mostly my MIL) but I think the clear fairness of alternating makes it hard to complain too much.

I hope my sons will do that if/when they get married!