Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

DH is actually pretty solid career wise. He works about 15-20 hours/week, gets summers off, and makes a bit less than I do. He just won’t help at home, but he works in a highly technical and in demand field right now. He can do his work from anywhere.

Wait a minute - DH works less than half time, and doesn't help at home? What does he do when he's not working?

I know you said that counseling hasn't helped, and he has his own issues, but this is unacceptable. Letting DH off the hook entirely is going to perpetuate the dysfunction. Your kids see this imbalance - that mom is doing everything while dad does little - and that's unhealthy. If DH isn't going to help, his salary needs to go towards all the outsourcing that PPs are suggesting - additional nanny time, babysitters, cleaners, laundry and meal help, housekeeper, etc. Whatever you need to get through the day so that you can keep working and not be exhausted, and your kids are supported - he needs to cover it. This needs to be a serious discussion with him about how he must (not should, must) support you. I'd have a very hard time staying with someone who respected me so little.

I also stopped in my tracks when I read this. OP, my heart really goes out to you. I was struck that your original post said that you don’t feel like your life is worth living. Does your DH know how bad it is? Does he care? I know you said he loves you and he tries, but it is not loving to be a primary reason that your spouse to be so depressed and overwhelmed that she doesn’t want to get up in the morning.

I know you feel like it’s too much work to get into therapy with DH again. I can relate to the feeling that finding a therapist, making time for therapy, etc is just one more thing you don’t have mental or emotional bandwidth for. I put off therapy for YEARS because of that. And when I finally started, it was because I was in a crisis so profound that I was having trouble getting through the day. It was in no way convenient for me, but my only regret was not starting sooner.

Ok. I also have a kid with a rare genetic disorder that hasn’t slept through the night in 13 years. Sleep deprivation is torture. The key difference I have is a husband that is helpful. But I can clearly imagine the world you are in so I hope some of my advice will resonate.

1) you have an incredibly high likelihood of divorce. I don’t mean this unkindly but parents in your situation absolutely have higher divorce rates and you have to layer onto this the fact that your hsuband isn’t helpful. DO NOT QUIT YOUR JOB.

2) you have to get more sleep. Consider hiring a night nanny a few nights a week. If your kid is going to melt down asking for you if you are in the house, then go stay in a hotel when the nanny is there. If you are considering quitting a 160K job, you can likely afford this at least one night a week. Alternatively, would your husband deal with her if you were at a hotel? While I have a helpful husband, night wakings were the one area we had major conflict over. I started looking at studio apartments to spend every other night in as a solution. In my case, this led to my husband stepping up ASAP in this area. You might actually need to rent a studio or get hotel rooms or Airbnb.

3) you need more evening and weekend help. It sounds like you need to structure this for when you are out of the house. I don’t know what this looks like for you, but really think about how to make it work. Go on care.com and search for college students with special needs experience. I’m in a college town and this has really worked for us for 13 years for after school and weekend help, I’ve written many a recommendation for OT, PT, ST grad school and med school. My kids genetic disorder has been discussed in many grad school interviews for these college kids over the years.

4) this is a marathon not a sprint. Do whatever you have to do to survive.

5) if you have not taken your kid to a neurologist that is a sleep specialist, get there asap. And don’t be afraid to medicate this kid to sleep. My kid takes 5 meds to sleep. She still doesn’t sleep through the night but we do get more sleep than we used to get. most parents with my kids genetic disorder regrets that they waited too long for sleep meds.

I am sorry you are going through this. In addition to what has been said before, have you checked your iron levels? If not, I would have your physician do a full work up and check for hemoglobin and ferritin levels as that can lead to low energy. I was in a similar position, a few years ago and seriously considered quitting and was advised on this board to not quit and I am so glad that I didn’t quit. I did take about 3 weeks off to reset and that helped a lot.

OP - One key problem is that you are making excuses for your husband. He may have mental health issues with his disability that limit his ability to help in some areas, but there are certain basic tasks that you could train him to do. I also wonder if DH should have a complete physical and get a mental health screening with a new doctor that might help him live a more balanced lifestyle and not just do what he wants to be doing.

1- He could be given a clear list for each place and do the family food shopping on the weekend. Take the time to develop a master food shopping list from which you would check off the needed items he would be buying.
2- He could go get gas and take care of dropping cars off for services.
3- You need to start in small amounts with telling DH that he is in charge of both children - I mean 30 minutes to go out for a walk, go the library and just read, listen to music etc.
4- He could learn to care for DD during the night. It may mean that you go to the basement or elsewhere to sleep. You may think you are the only one who can care for her. DD will need to learn that dad is there, too.

For yourself, I have a daughter with high anxiety all the time such that she has a weekly call in to her therapist as life's daily flow and her job responsibilities can overwhelm her at times. A key for her is to work with her psychiatrist to keep a good sleep balance. So if you have not, you need to talk to your psychiatrist about how to improve your quality of sleep. She is on the medication Klonopin as just one option. When her sleep pattern is not right, the stress starts to build.

For daily care of your children, can you arrange so that the nanny will see that both children - or at least your DD - take their baths early before dinner to ease the evening routine on you. Also, consider how many things that you indicate you are shopping for could be put on automatic delivery via Amazon or simply ordered online. Also, is there is chance that she could get dinner on one or two nights a week that does not require a lot of effort as in a slocooker. And coming up with simple meals that would be good for two nights or to make and freeze for a future day when you just need to defrost and serve. At this point using the FMLA for a period of time might be important to break the seemingly endless cycle that you feel your life has become.

A few observations -
1 - "Vacations" when my kids (with special needs) were more stress than the at home day to day. We eliminated them unless we could see it as a scenario that we could enjoy and relax.

2 - I do think you need for your DH to take on something that is on your plate. I know he has a diagnosis - but for you to be at this state - he needs to be there at a minimum so that you can shower daily.

Agree with the FMLA leave. I believe you can do it part-time.

The problems with quitting your job are not just the money, but not having the outlet for something that is rewarding to you outside your family. Given what you’ve written, I think you’ll miss that. And you’ll also be dependent on a husband who sounds like a bit of a dud.

Take FMLA and don’t make any changes to childcare. Use that time to (1) rest and rejuvenate yourself (set up a routine that involves rest and exercise) and (2) figure out additional outsourcing, whether that’s cleaning, cooking, or someone to stay overnight a few days a week. If anything, increase childcare while on leave and spend that time getting the kids used to it! Start those things while you are on leave so you can invest the energy in implementing a system that will work and get your kids ready for it to be successful when you do go back full time. Be willing to spend >50% of your income on these things for the foreseeable future (still a big savings from quitting, even if you spend 100%, given future income implications).

It sounds like you are in a really tough spot and I think you are right that the status quo isn’t tenable. From what you’ve written, it sounds like quitting might add to your stress, so I’d try this first before throwing in the towel.

^ I would not quit and become dependent on someone who may decide tomorrow that they “won’t” go to work anymore

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

DH is actually pretty solid career wise. He works about 15-20 hours/week, gets summers off, and makes a bit less than I do. He just won’t help at home, but he works in a highly technical and in demand field right now. He can do his work from anywhere.

Wait a minute - DH works less than half time, and doesn't help at home? What does he do when he's not working?

I know you said that counseling hasn't helped, and he has his own issues, but this is unacceptable. Letting DH off the hook entirely is going to perpetuate the dysfunction. Your kids see this imbalance - that mom is doing everything while dad does little - and that's unhealthy. If DH isn't going to help, his salary needs to go towards all the outsourcing that PPs are suggesting - additional nanny time, babysitters, cleaners, laundry and meal help, housekeeper, etc. Whatever you need to get through the day so that you can keep working and not be exhausted, and your kids are supported - he needs to cover it. This needs to be a serious discussion with him about how he must (not should, must) support you. I'd have a very hard time staying with someone who respected me so little.

+1. If DH can hold down a job making $150k with such low hours, he can do more at home. Especially over the summer, he can do things to get ready for the school year (sort out clothing sizes, deep clean and organize the house, freeze meals, etc.). Also, with a $300k HHI in a medium COL area, you can afford more help during the school year.

Anonymous wrote:

DH is actually pretty solid career wise. He works about 15-20 hours/week, gets summers off, and makes a bit less than I do. He just won’t help at home, but he works in a highly technical and in demand field right now. He can do his work from anywhere.

Wait a minute - DH works less than half time, and doesn't help at home? What does he do when he's not working?

I know you said that counseling hasn't helped, and he has his own issues, but this is unacceptable. Letting DH off the hook entirely is going to perpetuate the dysfunction. Your kids see this imbalance - that mom is doing everything while dad does little - and that's unhealthy. If DH isn't going to help, his salary needs to go towards all the outsourcing that PPs are suggesting - additional nanny time, babysitters, cleaners, laundry and meal help, housekeeper, etc. Whatever you need to get through the day so that you can keep working and not be exhausted, and your kids are supported - he needs to cover it. This needs to be a serious discussion with him about how he must (not should, must) support you. I'd have a very hard time staying with someone who respected me so little.

+1 to part time if your employer would consider it— even on a temporary basis. For example shaving 10 hours a week, might give you a few hours each day or a one day off a week to stay on top.

Can you go part time? If you tell them it’s that or quit I bet they will find a way to make it happen.

Anonymous wrote:Get housekeeping help.

We have someone come 3 days per week, 8 hrs per day who does laundry, grocery shops, organizes, dinner prep, etc - this is in addition to weekly cleaners.

Your weekends will open up, as will evenings. And you can still keep your Sunday sitter to give yourself some time for yourself.

Op, I wrote a thread recently about quitting because I just feel overwhelmed by therapies for my kids, my work, and managing everything. DH works aml the time (I’m not complaining, I appreciate that his salary means we can pay for therapies not covered by insurance). I like my job but there is no down time, even with the help. I haven’t quit yet because I am trying to figure out if quitting will really solve the problem of feeling overwhelmed, or if I will still have the problem but have lost a job I love. DH’s new income will start in February (allowing me to quit), so I’m waiting until it’s locked in to make a final decision about my job.

If you say your child with SN will cling when you are home, does quitting your job mean that to get any break you will always need to be out of the house? That would not be relaxing to me.

In any case, wishing you the best.

OP, I did quit my job, but think it's worth you trying these things first. In our case, school was not working and we needed someone to manage therapies so really a parent needed to do it and it was not going to be DH. But if it's the household things wearing you down outside of work, it's much easier to hire help for that than it is to hire reliable child care.

You could also try an hours reduction first, but when I went from "40 to 20 hours" in reality I went from 60 to 30 and lost all my benefits. It just wasn't worth it so I left. I did love my job and it made me sad, still does, but it saved me, and it was great for both my kids (SN and NT). My only hesitancy in telling you to just go for it is that I worry your DH, with his issues, might not stay reliably employed long term. I had a scare with my DH where I thought he may lose his job related to his mental health stuff. In the end he stabilized and it's fine now, but if we didn't have substantial investments I could draw from in a pinch I am not sure I would remain unemployed.

Anyway, you are amazing. You deserve whatever will make you happiest. And if I'm wrong about your DH and you want to quit, I think you should.

Anonymous wrote:Op - can your childcare stay 2h after you get home from work? Surely would cost less than quitting altogether

This. Please consider getting someone to stay for an evening and night 2 nights a week so you can rest. It will cost a lot but you need to go to your job that you can control.

I have not wakes in your shoes but I have a child with serious mental illness. My job pays for an excellent nanny and time for me to be with adults. And occasionally eat lunch with adults. I have thought about quitting but I’ve never regretted any help I hired, even when it wasn’t that useful. It provides me with the energy I need to recuperate.

I wish I knew you and could give you an evening off.

Anonymous wrote:Take FMLA leave! Don’t make such a major life decision without giving yourself the ability to think it through clearly. I was in a similar situation a few years ago and taking FMLA (intermittently, so I was essentially working part-time) was probably literally a life-saver.

This! OP I have been in a similar place. Couldn’t see the way out. I was at rock bottom. I took Leave of absence for 3 months. Changed up therapies and really got into a groove with what my DS needed. I hired a full time excellent nanny instead of part time bad one who couldn’t handle my DS needs. I needed time to even figure out what our family needed. I needed the time. I still didn’t have much time to myself but was able to increase exercise a bit and rediscover my love of reading and going to the library. I just needed time to figure things out. I am back at work now and have more energy because I was able to build some more support. Things are much better. I didn’t want to quit without trying this first. I truly encourage you to look at this and wish you well.

Anonymous wrote:Can you check into a hotel for 1 night a week? Don't go home. Let DH/ nanny handle the kids. Go straight from work to the hotel. Or maybe stop for a mani pedi first. Order room service or go to a restaurant by yourself. And get 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. If possible, go straight to work the next day and let DH handle the morning routine also.

It's worth trying before you quit.

I would try this to start. I was surprised what a difference one night made even when I thought I was relaxing at home. Good luck