Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, Google “rejection sensitive dysphoria”. My DH is like this and I posted about him before. A PP recommended I look into it and every word was true for my situation with him. He doesn’t hate you - he hates himself and every negative encounter makes him feel rejected and then he lashes out. It’s extreme insecurity.

A similar disorder is covert/vulnerable narcissism.

What’s pushing me to leave is knowing that my daughters will think it’s normal for a man to treat them like this one day. I can’t have that.

NP here- my husband is the same, I just dont know how I can get out of this. HS and MS aged kids. I feel weak year after year and dont think I can do it as I dont have family around. I am a professional, attractive, person who also happens to have a stable, well-paid job. In a recent explosion, I was told that I dont make as much as him and there should be a financial separation. He has taken DD into confidence I shockingly realized!

NP. To this PP -- the bold is a HUGE red flag. He is trying to create a united front against you as the bad guy and turn your DD against you, forcing her to take sides. He likely is playing the "poor me! I try so hard but mom doesn't get me!" role with her, trying to get her to sympathize with him and view you as wrong and possibly even as somehow doing things against DD's interests.

I don't know what to advise you, PP, but I do know that your DD has been put into a horrible situation and is being manipulated like no child (and yes, even if she's in HS, she's your child) should ever be manipulated. Maybe get into individual therapy as rapidly as possible with a stated goal of strengthening yourself to leave him while also getting concrete ideas on how to prevent your DD from being manipulated and turned against you. I'm so sorry. He is using his own child as a pawn -- though HE will claim he's just a sad, desperate daddy who wants his little girl to understand "how things really are" blah blah. It's just evil. Please get a professional to help you navigate how to respond.

He's gaslighting you. You sound like a people pleaser. He needs therapy or I'd divorce him. I bet your kids get scared of him. Is that what you want for your kids?

Anonymous wrote:OP, Google “rejection sensitive dysphoria”. My DH is like this and I posted about him before. A PP recommended I look into it and every word was true for my situation with him. He doesn’t hate you - he hates himself and every negative encounter makes him feel rejected and then he lashes out. It’s extreme insecurity.

A similar disorder is covert/vulnerable narcissism.

What’s pushing me to leave is knowing that my daughters will think it’s normal for a man to treat them like this one day. I can’t have that.

NP here- my husband is the same, I just dont know how I can get out of this. HS and MS aged kids. I feel weak year after year and dont think I can do it as I dont have family around. I am a professional, attractive, person who also happens to have a stable, well-paid job. In a recent explosion, I was told that I dont make as much as him and there should be a financial separation. He has taken DD into confidence I shockingly realized!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ladies.

I am beginning to believe this is just MEN.

Or, perhaps men over 35-40 because they were raised a certain way?

Nope, not all men. When dating, first time they do it, you call it out. The second time, you leave. You keep doing that until you find a guy with enough maturity to not have to resort to acting like a toddler.

Of course it's not ALL men, but why so many? What are we doing wrong as a society that this emotional immaturity plagues so many men?

They do it because they can. Because women stay with them and accept this behavior. The can behave this way and have families, sex, and usually cooking and housekeeping. It is really that simple.

Most of these guys spend more hours at work than at home with the family. Do they exhibit this behavior with their colleagues and bosses? Of course not.

Like the OP, I did not have positive role models for relationships growing up which made dating difficult. Fortunately I wised up late in the game to follow the PPs script and leave when men exhibited this behavior around me. I will counsel my children to do the same.

This. If a guy has any indications of having been coddled by his mama, RUN.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be careful of anyone who makes you responsible for their emotions or actions.

You made me cry.

You made me yell.

You made me angry.

You made me throw this.

You made me leave or give you the silent treatment.

You made me feel the way I do.

You made me act the way I do.

Anyway who externalizes responsiblity for their own emotional responses and reactions and subsequent actions is unable to be a healthy partner as they see their emotional state and actions as intrinsically tied to their partner, were they are just a passive reactor without agency or personal control or responsibility.

I agree, but I want to stress this wouldn't apply when a victim is drawing boundaries with an abuser. It is perfectly OK to say, I am walking away because you are calling me names.

I only point this out because I've seen it happen where the abuser gaslights? (not sure if that's exactly it) by saying see you say I make you do things all the time!

They LOVE when you walk away and leave the issue unresolved. They win if you walk off, They win if they turn a “discussion” into an argument.
They win because you were trying to find a solution and resolve a conflict, and they take everything as a personal attack, attack back and yell at you.
So sure, walk away.
Then next time, don’t ask.
Soon you are doing everything or things are falling through the cracks left and right and Temper Tantrum Boy is left alone to do whatever he wishes.
That’s Power and Control. Doing whatever the F you want all the time.

PP here. In these instances, there is no issue other than what Temper Tantrum Boy (I love it) has decided is the problem, and YOU WILL LISTEN TO HIM HARANGUE YOU. The thing is, the victim just needs to be alone to do what they wish and walking away enables that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be careful of anyone who makes you responsible for their emotions or actions.

You made me cry.

You made me yell.

You made me angry.

You made me throw this.

You made me leave or give you the silent treatment.

You made me feel the way I do.

You made me act the way I do.

Anyway who externalizes responsiblity for their own emotional responses and reactions and subsequent actions is unable to be a healthy partner as they see their emotional state and actions as intrinsically tied to their partner, were they are just a passive reactor without agency or personal control or responsibility.

I agree, but I want to stress this wouldn't apply when a victim is drawing boundaries with an abuser. It is perfectly OK to say, I am walking away because you are calling me names.

I only point this out because I've seen it happen where the abuser gaslights? (not sure if that's exactly it) by saying see you say I make you do things all the time!

They LOVE when you walk away and leave the issue unresolved. They win if you walk off, They win if they turn a “discussion” into an argument.
They win because you were trying to find a solution and resolve a conflict, and they take everything as a personal attack, attack back and yell at you.
So sure, walk away.
Then next time, don’t ask.
Soon you are doing everything or things are falling through the cracks left and right and Temper Tantrum Boy is left alone to do whatever he wishes.
That’s Power and Control. Doing whatever the F you want all the time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ladies.

I am beginning to believe this is just MEN.

Or, perhaps men over 35-40 because they were raised a certain way?

Nope, not all men. When dating, first time they do it, you call it out. The second time, you leave. You keep doing that until you find a guy with enough maturity to not have to resort to acting like a toddler.

Of course it's not ALL men, but why so many? What are we doing wrong as a society that this emotional immaturity plagues so many men?

Just look at all the “my boy can do no wrong” parents. Interestingly, it’s most often mothers. This is exactly what lays the groundwork for abusive men. They grow up spoiled rotten getting over on everyone.

Seen this.

book smart High income sonny boy can do no wrong. Nothing is his fault. Isn’t it clever how he bullies everyone to do what he says or believe his lies. Nothing can stop him.

They basically raised a monster.

Interestingly many of these women are themselves in abusive marriages or otherwise severely compromised and raise boys they wish would protect them or who they hope can survive the world better than they did.

That has nothing to do with allowing a boy age 2-18 to be a slob and you their milk maid.

But yes, one bad role model parent can do a lot of damage. Try to keep them out of the house a lot.

Anonymous wrote:Be careful of anyone who makes you responsible for their emotions or actions.

You made me cry.

You made me yell.

You made me angry.

You made me throw this.

You made me leave or give you the silent treatment.

You made me feel the way I do.

You made me act the way I do.

Anyway who externalizes responsiblity for their own emotional responses and reactions and subsequent actions is unable to be a healthy partner as they see their emotional state and actions as intrinsically tied to their partner, were they are just a passive reactor without agency or personal control or responsibility.

I agree, but I want to stress this wouldn't apply when a victim is drawing boundaries with an abuser. It is perfectly OK to say, I am walking away because you are calling me names.

I only point this out because I've seen it happen where the abuser gaslights? (not sure if that's exactly it) by saying see you say I make you do things all the time!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ladies.

I am beginning to believe this is just MEN.

Or, perhaps men over 35-40 because they were raised a certain way?

Nope, not all men. When dating, first time they do it, you call it out. The second time, you leave. You keep doing that until you find a guy with enough maturity to not have to resort to acting like a toddler.

Of course it's not ALL men, but why so many? What are we doing wrong as a society that this emotional immaturity plagues so many men?

Just look at all the “my boy can do no wrong” parents. Interestingly, it’s most often mothers. This is exactly what lays the groundwork for abusive men. They grow up spoiled rotten getting over on everyone.

Seen this.

book smart High income sonny boy can do no wrong. Nothing is his fault. Isn’t it clever how he bullies everyone to do what he says or believe his lies. Nothing can stop him.

They basically raised a monster.

Interestingly many of these women are themselves in abusive marriages or otherwise severely compromised and raise boys they wish would protect them or who they hope can survive the world better than they did.

Anonymous wrote:Teach your own teen children to beware of slob boyfriends/girlfriends. Perhaps you don’t want to ever marry them.

Whelp, now I know why his mother only allowed him 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants, and no toys or sports or gear. Couldn’t handle it!