Anonymous wrote:I bet some of the parents who think they have good relationships with their kids also have kids who are on here posting how much they dislike their parents (or even more likely, their mother in law).

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Anonymous wrote:If you've money, you can spoil them by sponsoring their visits or by getting your own place if you visit their town but what if you can't afford all that. How do you keep good relations without money? How do you keep good relations if their spouses aren't compatible with you?

I am having this issue with my College-aged son. He doesn't want to spend the time to come home (his words) but also makes me feel bad for not coming to visit more often. I have to rent a hotel room and haul 4 people plus a dog to see him. Add 3 meals a day for 5-6 people, gas and shopping for him and it becomes cost prohibitive. We also are struggling with his GF who makes outings together stressful and dramatic. His whole personality has changed, especially ove rthis past year where he acts grumpy and entitled around us and it's just become really unpleasant to be together. Makes me sad as we were pretty good with average ups and downs growing up and now it's just not.

You should try visiting him on your own sometime, or have your spouse visit sometimes. Or just go with one of your kids.

Do not bring the dog with you, this is ridiculous. Even if the whole family goes, board the dog!

Explore staying in an AirBnB instead of a hotel, which would allow you to do meals there sometimes.

He is young and trying to build a new life for himself. It's honestly weird for you to expect him to organize all the visits to you and for you not to put the effort in to visit him. And this idea that you can only visit him with the whole family is going to get you in trouble as all your kids get older. You need to start developing the relationships you will have when they are ALL adults. Do you not intend to visit any of your kids individually as adults? Well your oldest is an adult now, so it's time to set the tone. You need to recognize that your family is growing up and you have to adjust to what this means for the family. You cannot expect to have them all gathered around you in the same way they were as children from here on out. They will have their own lives and families and you need to figure out how to maintain relationships as their worlds get bigger and encompass more than just your nuclear family.

Where do you get off saying I am expecting him to organize all the visits to us. I NEVER said that. Once in a while would be great. Another poster had a legitimate question about not being able to afford all visits on her side and I responded. This is the crap about this board that sucks. You all always assume whatever you want and then respond trying to shame the poster.

You seem like a real sweetie pie and I can't imagine why anyone would decline to spend time with you.

Anonymous wrote:I would say be prepared for surprises. As they enter adulthood they will re-think their experience of growing up, and have a new perspective on it. Especially as they get to know other families and family dynamics. And as they marry and have children they may have a new perspective on your marriage. Many children will say, for example, that being a child of divorce is fine, but when they experience a better-functioning family or aspire to a lifelong marriage themselves, they may see things differently.

When children are out from under your control, they will feel more free to say things that you don't like. It's only normal and natural that they assert themselves in this way. Be mentally and emotionally prepared for this stage and try to take it in stride. Don't over-react. They may come back around as they mature.

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Anonymous wrote:Parent of four adult children here, all in their 30s, three of whom are married. We have a great relationship with all four, despite each of them being very different kind of people. We didn’t “develop” these relationships with them as adults, however. We developed the relationships when they were younger.

If you put too much pressure on them as kids to excel in school and get into a fancy college for your own gratification, for example, they’re not going to forget that. If you focused too much on your own career and weren’t around for them as much as you should have been, they’re not going to forget that either. Most importantly, if you gave them the impression when they were younger that they disappointed you and didn’t measure up to your expectations, you’ve killed any possibility of having a healthy relationship with them as adults.

In short, you reap what you sew.

Wow. Thanks PP for this huge pat on your back! That's so helpful to other parents! We all wish we had been like you -- perfect!!

Anonymous wrote:Parent of four adult children here, all in their 30s, three of whom are married. We have a great relationship with all four, despite each of them being very different kind of people. We didn’t “develop” these relationships with them as adults, however. We developed the relationships when they were younger.

If you put too much pressure on them as kids to excel in school and get into a fancy college for your own gratification, for example, they’re not going to forget that. If you focused too much on your own career and weren’t around for them as much as you should have been, they’re not going to forget that either. Most importantly, if you gave them the impression when they were younger that they disappointed you and didn’t measure up to your expectations, you’ve killed any possibility of having a healthy relationship with them as adults.

In short, you reap what you sew.