Anonymous
12/29/2022 19:56
Subject: Poor, greedy, coarse behavior - what would you call it?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Scarcity mindset. And it’s the natural consequence of poverty, not something to look down your nose at them about. You sound really unpleasant.
NP. Thank you for identifying this so succinctly, and for noting the problem in the prior post.
There is something deeply unpleasant, moreso than anything described there, in looking down on people who still carry the with the residue of trauma and pain.
Those of us who managed to wash it off, or not be splashed with it despite the circumstances we stood in, have so much to be grateful for. And gratitude does not come with sneering at those who have less.
That's a great way of looking at it. I didn't consider my poor, white, lower-class relatives to be all awash in trauma and pain, but I bet they were! I was brought up to think it was stupidity and bad decisions compounded by being around more of same in the South.
Anonymous
12/29/2022 19:51
Subject: Poor, greedy, coarse behavior - what would you call it?
dog-eat-dog, coarse. I agree.
Anonymous
12/29/2022 19:50
Subject: Re:Poor, greedy, coarse behavior - what would you call it?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Clear this up for me, why should someone else stand or sit on the floor so that you can have their chair? Are you elderly, handicapped, pregnant? Or is it just that you are rich and therefore more important?
So you just remain seated and stare at your guests? Interesting.
Are family guests? I would never ever expect my parents to give up their seats for me or my partner/kids!
Chairs go by age and infirmity. I would never expect an older and more ill person to get up for me.
Chairs are… something you have enough of for the number of guests you have? Even if that means bringing folding plastic chairs out or using ottomans as chairs. You don’t just do nothing though.
Kids sit on the floor.
Kids sit on dog beds
So much unexpected mileage there.
Anonymous
12/29/2022 19:46
Subject: Poor, greedy, coarse behavior - what would you call it?
Anonymous wrote:Scarcity mindset. And it’s the natural consequence of poverty, not something to look down your nose at them about. You sound really unpleasant.
NP. Thank you for identifying this so succinctly, and for noting the problem in the prior post.
There is something deeply unpleasant, moreso than anything described there, in looking down on people who still carry the with the residue of trauma and pain.
Those of us who managed to wash it off, or not be splashed with it despite the circumstances we stood in, have so much to be grateful for. And gratitude does not come with sneering at those who have less.
Anonymous
12/29/2022 19:45
Subject: Poor, greedy, coarse behavior - what would you call it?
OP, you are absolutely right. One can tell by behavior and manners, vocabulary, depth and breadth of conversation about person’s upbringing and class. Wealthy people raise their kids to be civil and well mannered.
Unfortunately, most of DCUM audience is not from those circles. So please don’t count on any manners or depth here.
Unfortunately, most of DCUM audience is not from those circles. So please don’t count on any manners or depth here.
Anonymous
12/29/2022 19:41
Subject: Re:Poor, greedy, coarse behavior - what would you call it?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Clear this up for me, why should someone else stand or sit on the floor so that you can have their chair? Are you elderly, handicapped, pregnant? Or is it just that you are rich and therefore more important?
So you just remain seated and stare at your guests? Interesting.
Are family guests? I would never ever expect my parents to give up their seats for me or my partner/kids!
Chairs go by age and infirmity. I would never expect an older and more ill person to get up for me.
Chairs are… something you have enough of for the number of guests you have? Even if that means bringing folding plastic chairs out or using ottomans as chairs. You don’t just do nothing though.
Kids sit on the floor.
Kids sit on dog beds
Oh my god. I just spitted out my drink. You win the internet.
Anonymous
12/29/2022 19:38
Subject: Re:Poor, greedy, coarse behavior - what would you call it?
I relate to some of this, OP, with similar situations. My family was middle class, but my uncle was a rich doctor, and he let us know that asking him about ailments was gauche. I thought of it like I had an expert available to answer hypothetical questions (like when you're a kid and a classmate's parent comes in to talk about their job as firefighter, etc). Turns out the doctors hate this!
So then, I also have Godiva experience. My sisters and I would inhale nearly the entire enormous box, except we each had our favorites, and none of us preferred dark chocolate, so not all at once. Later as an adult I'd receive the same enormous box, and took it to work several years, because did not want to eat all that sugar myself. Well, I'd check on it, and it was gone FAST. Bet no one wanted to be seen taking several pieces though!!
I know you're not in my family though, because we'd never stay seated like that. Kids especially had to get up and give up seats for adults. I went to other relatives' places where no one stood up and kids stayed seated, with no seats available -- those were our low-class relatives. I have had relatives in high, middle, low, and I know all their ways!
So then, I also have Godiva experience. My sisters and I would inhale nearly the entire enormous box, except we each had our favorites, and none of us preferred dark chocolate, so not all at once. Later as an adult I'd receive the same enormous box, and took it to work several years, because did not want to eat all that sugar myself. Well, I'd check on it, and it was gone FAST. Bet no one wanted to be seen taking several pieces though!!
I know you're not in my family though, because we'd never stay seated like that. Kids especially had to get up and give up seats for adults. I went to other relatives' places where no one stood up and kids stayed seated, with no seats available -- those were our low-class relatives. I have had relatives in high, middle, low, and I know all their ways!
Anonymous
12/29/2022 19:35
Subject: Re:Poor, greedy, coarse behavior - what would you call it?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Clear this up for me, why should someone else stand or sit on the floor so that you can have their chair? Are you elderly, handicapped, pregnant? Or is it just that you are rich and therefore more important?
So you just remain seated and stare at your guests? Interesting.
Are family guests? I would never ever expect my parents to give up their seats for me or my partner/kids!
Chairs go by age and infirmity. I would never expect an older and more ill person to get up for me.
Chairs are… something you have enough of for the number of guests you have? Even if that means bringing folding plastic chairs out or using ottomans as chairs. You don’t just do nothing though.
Kids sit on the floor.
Kids sit on dog beds
Yes! You win the thread.
I’m really confused though by OP thinking her parents and siblings should sit on the floor so she and her kids can have a chair. And monitoring how fast a box of chocolates was eaten by your obgyn is SO WEIRD.
This whole thread is weird. But you still win!
Anonymous
12/29/2022 19:30
Subject: Poor, greedy, coarse behavior - what would you call it?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think it’s just self absorbed. We were shocked at our midwestern family’s thanksgiving dinner when my cousin (the host) announced that dinner was ready and his brother in laws wife said loudly “well, I’m not shy more for me” and got up like lightening followed closely by some of the in-laws. I’ve never seen anything like it. It was like feeding time at the farm!
In my family we'd congratulate her and tell her to "put the feed bag on".
Midwesterners aren't known for sophistication.
Unfortunately true. While some of it can be . . . . charming? amusing? . . . . much of it is not. -- a midwesterner
Anonymous
12/29/2022 19:28
Subject: Poor, greedy, coarse behavior - what would you call it?
Anonymous wrote:Growing up my family was poor. When I was in college I began to notice certain behavior that could fall into the "not our kind dear".
At a social gathering where we met a director of a medical school, my younger siblings began pointing at various athletic sprains they'd experienced in their legs and seeking free medical advice.
My boyfriend's mother sent us a big box of Godiva chocolates. It was consumed by two of my sisters in one afternoon. It was as if they were afraid anyone else in the family would eat the pieces before they got to it. It was a big box. In my office this box would last a full day amongst 30 employees.
My husband, children and I showed up at my parents one holiday. It was a long drive, my siblings were already there to meet us. All the seats in the living room were filled, there was no place for us to sit. That wasn't so much the issue as the fact that no one stood up to say hello. Everyone stayed parked in their seat and stared at us. As if they were afraud to lose their place. Only my mother got up to give one of the 4 of my family a place to sit. I was very embarassed for my husband - he never said anything but I know he found it ungracious.
I don't really know what this sort of behavior is called but I've thought about it. There's another thread on here about subtle signs of class and I think these are the opposite but I don't know how to sum it with a phrase like that.
I didn't realize how lower class we were - I knew we were poor- until I went to grad school. It seemed everyone had a trust fund and much better manners than my own family. I'm sure people thought I was some poor hick from the midwest, which I guess I was. But, it smacked me in the face when my family (complete with a family friend and a sibling's partner) came to my graduation in CUT OFF jean shorts and t-shirts, and flip flops. I was $%@$# mortified by their dress, their manners, all of it, but had to grin and bear it. Then they left without so much as a card or taking me out to lunch. My BF at the time was flabbergasted and stepped in to take me out to celebrate.
Anonymous
12/29/2022 19:15
Subject: Re:Poor, greedy, coarse behavior - what would you call it?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Clear this up for me, why should someone else stand or sit on the floor so that you can have their chair? Are you elderly, handicapped, pregnant? Or is it just that you are rich and therefore more important?
So you just remain seated and stare at your guests? Interesting.
Are family guests? I would never ever expect my parents to give up their seats for me or my partner/kids!
Chairs go by age and infirmity. I would never expect an older and more ill person to get up for me.
Chairs are… something you have enough of for the number of guests you have? Even if that means bringing folding plastic chairs out or using ottomans as chairs. You don’t just do nothing though.
Kids sit on the floor.
Kids sit on dog beds
Anonymous
12/29/2022 19:12
Subject: Poor, greedy, coarse behavior - what would you call it?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think it’s just self absorbed. We were shocked at our midwestern family’s thanksgiving dinner when my cousin (the host) announced that dinner was ready and his brother in laws wife said loudly “well, I’m not shy more for me” and got up like lightening followed closely by some of the in-laws. I’ve never seen anything like it. It was like feeding time at the farm!
In my family we'd congratulate her and tell her to "put the feed bag on".
Midwesterners aren't known for sophistication.
Nor are people who make gross generalizations.
Anonymous
12/29/2022 18:35
Subject: Poor, greedy, coarse behavior - what would you call it?
So i am of two minds. My mother is like this. I had to learn manners at college. It was a mess. I worry not that I am more like her and inadvertantly put people off. Be careful with your judgement because yo8 don't know what unspoken class rules you are breaking.
Anonymous
12/29/2022 18:06
Subject: Re:Poor, greedy, coarse behavior - what would you call it?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Wow that chocolate thing really got to you huh
OP: Well yeah, it was like breathed in all in one go. I sent the same sized box to my OGBYN's office and they took a week to work thru it.
Did you come back to monitor it?
Anonymous
12/29/2022 17:53
Subject: Re:Poor, greedy, coarse behavior - what would you call it?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Wow that chocolate thing really got to you huh
OP: Well yeah, it was like breathed in all in one go. I sent the same sized box to my OGBYN's office and they took a week to work thru it.
That’s different. In an office, people are afraid of looking like pigs so they restrain themselves. At home, it’s on.
Personally I think it sounds fun to eat a box of fancy chocolate with my sister. They probably had a blast.
Been wondering about this since I notice huge differences between the people I work with and the people on DH's side of the family. I think if you made it into a white-collar profession, you're more likely to be self-aware and behave in ways that are more civilized.