Anonymous wrote:A couple of years ago I was talking to a colleague, who is a marriage therapist. I mentioned to him my frustration: that my MIL and BIL have never asked me a question about myself (in 27 years!). No curiosity about how I grew up, my career, hobbies, etc. This has now extended to my kids, which I find even more bizarre. He said that in his experience (he’s in his 70s) this is very, very common. He said most in-laws show zero curiosity and he believes more marriages would be happier if everyone entered in marriage with very low expectations re their In-Laws. For whatever reason these reflections were helpful to me. Maybe they will be for others here…

That is helpful!

She senses you are too hung up on things and is trolling you

Why do those same in-laws have no problem talking to strangers, coworkers and their friends like normal adults and reciprocate conversation but can’t figure out how to be cordial with their DILs?

A couple of years ago I was talking to a colleague, who is a marriage therapist. I mentioned to him my frustration: that my MIL and BIL have never asked me a question about myself (in 27 years!). No curiosity about how I grew up, my career, hobbies, etc. This has now extended to my kids, which I find even more bizarre. He said that in his experience (he’s in his 70s) this is very, very common. He said most in-laws show zero curiosity and he believes more marriages would be happier if everyone entered in marriage with very low expectations re their In-Laws. For whatever reason these reflections were helpful to me. Maybe they will be for others here…

My SIL is like this to me. She NEVER asks me a personal question. She remembers cousins spouse's parent had a cold and asks how they are doing but my parent dying of cancer never gets one single "how are they doing". People suck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you White?

Wut?

Ignore the constant race troll.

Anonymous wrote:She never remembers, or deliberately “forgets”, key pieces of information related to me. Two things happened over the holiday that made this lightbulb go off in my head.

First off, let me preface by saying MIL will remember obscure things about random people, her friend’s children, etc. I’ve been with DH for over two decades.

At the holidays, I love a specific drink and always provide it if we are hosting, or bring it to share if others are hosting. It’s a signature thing. Every year my MIL acts like it’s the first time she’s tried it and it’s a novelty...?

So what's the signature drink that appears wherever OP goes? It could simply be an unopened bottle of whatever or a complex punchbowl type thing that needs to done in whatever kitchen is available and display/serving uses up 25% of an island. Only OP knows the scope of the drink. It really doesn't matter if OP is a MIL, DIL, cousin,sibling etc.

People get so sensitive about compliments or desirability of their signature creations/choices whether in their own house or brought elsewhere. All need to relax and stay on list for stuff brought to another hosts house.

I've never thought delivering Strip-O-Grams was all that "unique" of a job.

There was a thread recently about the ridiculous gossip our mothers / MILs want to share about their neighbor's friend's daughter's stepkids. My own mom is always dying to tell me the latest juicy tidbit about some people I've either never met or haven't seen in decades. So it's just interesting that these women can remember vivid details about virtual strangers but don't know or want to know the bare minimum details about their son's wife.

PP/DW of over 25 years.

I think what these DILs are expressing, myself included, is that a relationship and conversations ideally should be give and take. I’d like to think that because I listen kindly and politely to my IL’s stories and remember important details, that the same kindness and patience would be returned or reciprocated.

My analysis is that my ILs are intensely, equally self-focused and insular. They are truly disinterested in expanding their worldview be that via travel or reading, volunteering, meeting people - they exist for each other and are codependent.

They are never going to change. My FIL has had a profound hearing loss since I’ve met him and has refused to wear a hearing aid. I literally can’t communicate with him over the phone and it’s extraordinarily difficult in person. My MIL will tightly control even the most benign conversations to back to herself.

Anonymous wrote:Go full dementia-concern.

“Really, Carole? You don’t have any memory of me bringing this very cocktail for six years in a row? If this was the first time you forgot, it wouldn’t concern me, but you literally forget every year. I think it’s time you talked to your doctor about this persistent memory loss, don’t you?”

“Really, Carole? You don’t remember that I drove the Oscar-Meyer Weinermobile? We’ve talked about it several times over the years. Wow, this and not remembering the cocktail—I’m going to have to look for a number of a good gerontologist for you. Unless any of this is suddenly starting to ring a bell?” Pointed look.

Oh my god, this was DEFINITELY the job. OP, please confirm.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I came in here ready to sympathize as my MIL can be dismissive, but this is just ridiculous! Get over yourself OP

Wow! I’m honestly surprised. I serve a dessert my MIL enjoys, every Christmas. I know every part-time job she had (housewife who occasionally worked odd jobs). I worked my job for nearly a decade, 7 of those years I was with DH. It’s just odd to me that she can’t or won’t remember things about me. I don’t want her to make it about me per se, but it’s so weird she acts like she can’t remember drinking X last Christmas, or that she can’t remember me talking about a job I had for a decade. But I accept that I’m being irrational. I’ll work on figuring out why it bothers me.

Some people have good memories for this stuff and some don’t. I’m like you, I know every single car my sister-in-law has ever owned even though we’re not close and see each other once a year. I barely even like her actually. Other people don’t have this kind of recall and it doesn’t mean they don’t care about you.

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you White?

yes she is the fun part time job being part of her identity gave it away

I doubt my own parents would remember either of those two examples. Not dismissive just old

My MIL couldn't remember what denomination I am despite attending her son's wedding at grandchildren's baptisms. Who knows why? I just assumed, correctly, that we would be having the same conversations for the rest of her life