Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have three full siblings and a similar family dynamic. When I turned 18 my parents told me I was an adult and no longer would receive Christmas presents because they had to save resources for my younger siblings. I'd come home for Christmas from college and watch my siblings open iPhones, laptops and dSLRs while I received nothing. I'd purchase presents for each of them from my minimum wage job earnings. They got me nothing. It turns out that the rule only applied to me and my parents didn't cut any of my other siblings off at 18, just me. My siblings are in their late 30s and still get nice presents from my parents.

It's still like that. I treat my parents AND siblings when we go out to eat. My siblings are treated by my parents if they do something without me. Why? I don't know. My parents have always hated spending money on me. I've been an obligation my whole life, while they lavish my siblings.

If I raise an issue I'm called greedy. My options are to make peace with it or cut ties with my family. They aren't going to change, but it hurts. Over and over again it hurts.

Are you siblings male while you are female? Or is it about looks? Something else?
Sorry you have to go through this. I would not buy them gifts

I was born first and apparently my dad wasn't ready for kids despite being almost 30. He viewed me as competition for my mother's time and affection. Apparently this caused a lot of tension between my parents. He never bonded with me and has always resented me. When my siblings came, starting 5 years later, next was a boy who liked sports, and apparently he was ready to be a father of a boy who liked sports. He bonded to my brother and subsequent siblings and loves them.

My mother does love me individually, but resents when I burst the bubble of the five of them being a happy family (which my very existence spoils). There's lots of tension between me and my heavily favored siblings, and there always has been. I get along best with the youngest who doesn't buy into the nonsense and has a clearer view of what's going on.

Me paying for everything is typically justified because I'm the most financially secure. This is true, but isn't it normal for the oldest to be the furthest along the trajectory of building wealth? My siblings are not that far behind when you age norm (we're spread across 12 years) but I'm still always in the lead. Seriously, my DINK sister's HHi was $500k last year and my fixed income parents still paid for her thanksgiving accomodations. My parents haven't paid for a hotel room for me since middle school--even my high school trips with the school I paid from my part time job. They seem to like having "their kids" depend on them, maybe? I don't know. I don't think it makes a lot of sense so I try to just appreciate that I can afford my own choices and let them spend their money as they please.

OP, I think you just have to decide on your own boundaries. There's no way to make it fair.

As 1 of 5 kids, I have also experienced a similar dynamic where the younger are favored because the parents miraculously found more resources (time, love, finances, attention, etc..) for them. The disproportion continues to this day when we are in our 40s and 50s.
The responder above is right, it will never be fair. Accept it now that the wills are also going to be disproportionate.
It sounds easy to say "you just have to decide on your own boundaries", but it is what you have to do. It's an ongoing effort but it's less painful than expecting/hoping that things will change. Because it won't.
Hope it makes you feel a little better knowing that you are not alone. This kind of slight happens in full birth families too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have three full siblings and a similar family dynamic. When I turned 18 my parents told me I was an adult and no longer would receive Christmas presents because they had to save resources for my younger siblings. I'd come home for Christmas from college and watch my siblings open iPhones, laptops and dSLRs while I received nothing. I'd purchase presents for each of them from my minimum wage job earnings. They got me nothing. It turns out that the rule only applied to me and my parents didn't cut any of my other siblings off at 18, just me. My siblings are in their late 30s and still get nice presents from my parents.

It's still like that. I treat my parents AND siblings when we go out to eat. My siblings are treated by my parents if they do something without me. Why? I don't know. My parents have always hated spending money on me. I've been an obligation my whole life, while they lavish my siblings.

If I raise an issue I'm called greedy. My options are to make peace with it or cut ties with my family. They aren't going to change, but it hurts. Over and over again it hurts.

Are you siblings male while you are female? Or is it about looks? Something else?
Sorry you have to go through this. I would not buy them gifts

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have three full siblings and a similar family dynamic. When I turned 18 my parents told me I was an adult and no longer would receive Christmas presents because they had to save resources for my younger siblings. I'd come home for Christmas from college and watch my siblings open iPhones, laptops and dSLRs while I received nothing. I'd purchase presents for each of them from my minimum wage job earnings. They got me nothing. It turns out that the rule only applied to me and my parents didn't cut any of my other siblings off at 18, just me. My siblings are in their late 30s and still get nice presents from my parents.

It's still like that. I treat my parents AND siblings when we go out to eat. My siblings are treated by my parents if they do something without me. Why? I don't know. My parents have always hated spending money on me. I've been an obligation my whole life, while they lavish my siblings.

If I raise an issue I'm called greedy. My options are to make peace with it or cut ties with my family. They aren't going to change, but it hurts. Over and over again it hurts.

Are you siblings male while you are female? Or is it about looks? Something else?
Sorry you have to go through this. I would not buy them gifts

I was born first and apparently my dad wasn't ready for kids despite being almost 30. He viewed me as competition for my mother's time and affection. Apparently this caused a lot of tension between my parents. He never bonded with me and has always resented me. When my siblings came, starting 5 years later, next was a boy who liked sports, and apparently he was ready to be a father of a boy who liked sports. He bonded to my brother and subsequent siblings and loves them.

My mother does love me individually, but resents when I burst the bubble of the five of them being a happy family (which my very existence spoils). There's lots of tension between me and my heavily favored siblings, and there always has been. I get along best with the youngest who doesn't buy into the nonsense and has a clearer view of what's going on.

Me paying for everything is typically justified because I'm the most financially secure. This is true, but isn't it normal for the oldest to be the furthest along the trajectory of building wealth? My siblings are not that far behind when you age norm (we're spread across 12 years) but I'm still always in the lead. Seriously, my DINK sister's HHi was $500k last year and my fixed income parents still paid for her thanksgiving accomodations. My parents haven't paid for a hotel room for me since middle school--even my high school trips with the school I paid from my part time job. They seem to like having "their kids" depend on them, maybe? I don't know. I don't think it makes a lot of sense so I try to just appreciate that I can afford my own choices and let them spend their money as they please.

OP, I think you just have to decide on your own boundaries. There's no way to make it fair.

This is toxic positivity and gaslighting. OP is allowed to feel annoyed. She can decide to only do free things with them and save her money for entertaining friends who treat her well.



Yes she’s allowed to feel however she chooses to feel but clearly choosing to feel resentful is leading to her feeling… resentful. It’s not gaslighting to acknowledge OP has agency and to call out the fact her choice in analogies highlights her lack of seizing control over her agency in the situation/her choice of reactions.

Anonymous wrote:Didn’t you post this exact scenario before? I feel like I read this before.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP have you posted before about receiving unequal holiday gifts as well?

Hi, that wasn’t me but the same thing is true for our Christmas/holidays with my family. I was inspired to post today because I am hosting our Christmas brunch for 20 people which is not at all inexpensive, and my sister is hosting the dinner tonight. My parents never host because neither of them likes to cook and my step mom can’t deal with the mess from having all grandkids over or a big dinner. They also never offer to bring anything and when I assign them something half the time they forget, or just bring something else random (ie ask them to bring a fruit salad but they show up with a bottle of wine).

They get each grandchild one nice present, which is very nice, and we agreed as adults we would not exchange presents. However, they still do buy presents for my two half sisters and even their boyfriends. I know this because one posted a new flat screen TV my parents got for their apartment on Instagram, and the other posted a new coat they got her which costs $600. They got the boyfriends Apple gift cards.

How is that not a breeding ground for resentment?

Do you hear how you have made your feelings and reactions to other people’s choices as passive and inevitable and out of your control as a bloom of bacteria? You are in control of your thoughts and feelings. You can choose to be grateful that your dad is so confident in your financial stability/prospects instead of resentful. It’s all what you choose.

Anonymous wrote:Your Dad is paying for the twentysomethings because they are young, but not the grandkids (who presumably are even younger)? Is that the case or are the grandkids not invited to the weekly dinners?

Weekly dinner sounds like a big time suck for a Grandpa who does not love his grandkids that much. There might be better uses of your time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP have you posted before about receiving unequal holiday gifts as well?

Hi, that wasn’t me but the same thing is true for our Christmas/holidays with my family. I was inspired to post today because I am hosting our Christmas brunch for 20 people which is not at all inexpensive, and my sister is hosting the dinner tonight. My parents never host because neither of them likes to cook and my step mom can’t deal with the mess from having all grandkids over or a big dinner. They also never offer to bring anything and when I assign them something half the time they forget, or just bring something else random (ie ask them to bring a fruit salad but they show up with a bottle of wine).

They get each grandchild one nice present, which is very nice, and we agreed as adults we would not exchange presents. However, they still do buy presents for my two half sisters and even their boyfriends. I know this because one posted a new flat screen TV my parents got for their apartment on Instagram, and the other posted a new coat they got her which costs $600. They got the boyfriends Apple gift cards.

How is that not a breeding ground for resentment?

Do you hear how you have made your feelings and reactions to other people’s choices as passive and inevitable and out of your control as a bloom of bacteria? You are in control of your thoughts and feelings. You can choose to be grateful that your dad is so confident in your financial stability/prospects instead of resentful. It’s all what you choose.

This is toxic positivity and gaslighting. OP is allowed to feel annoyed. She can decide to only do free things with them and save her money for entertaining friends who treat her well.