My second out of four has special needs.

I have 2 small ones, with pangs for having 3, yet also am overwhelmed by my 2 and have what-if thoughts about if we had stuck with 1. But at a rational level, I am not seriously considering anymore children and have taken steps to prevent that accordingly, but the longing and feelings that I will regret it is there. One takeaway from the responses here are that it's totally normal to want more children, even if you don't actually have more, and maybe a bit of sadness about family size will linger. But, there are lots of regrets in life about paths not taken, and day to day we can end up okay and happy even if wistful.

A list of stuff that is MUCH harder with three kids versus two:

- Travel
- Balancing activities once they are a bit older
- Saving for college
- Managing a significant issue with one or more kids, whether a learning disorder, a disorder like ADHD, a physical health concern, etc.
- Housing

There are others but those are the big ones. That doesn't mean having kids is bad, but this stuff is all harder, sometimes exponentially so. Don't think about what it will be like to have 3 kids under the age of 6 or 7. It seems like that's the hard part -- it's not. Think about what it will be like to have a kid in middle school and two in elementary, or one kid that is on a travel soccer team and and other that needs occupational therapy twice a week. Think about what happens if you decide you want to do private school. Do you already live in a 4-5 bedroom house? If not, get ready for real debates about who shares with who and why, and also having your options limited in searching for a new house. And yeah, family vacations are going to be a little fun but mostly exhausting for the next 10 years, at least. Plus of course three college educations. Do you want to help kids with down payments, graduate school, starting a business? Unless you are truly wealthy, probably not anymore. And so on.

Three kids is so hard.

OP, I was in your shoes a few years ago when mine were 1 and 4 and I’m really happy we stopped at two. I really wanted a third but felt overwhelmed when my kids were those ages. We decided to revisit when the oldest was around kindergarten age. Then, the pandemic happened, we had no childcare, my oldest was going to virtual kindergarten, and we were even more completely overwhelmed than before. We had to say no more kids at that point. We never did have the third but I still felt that pang or sense of failure you’re talking about when I saw families with three or more kids for while.

Now, my youngest is 5.5 and I’m so happy we stopped at two kids. We are in a great place most of the time right now, and I feel certain I don’t have the emotional bandwidth or executive functioning skills I would have needed to give an additional kid what he/she needed - I’m at my max right now. PPs are right that older kids are exhausting in different ways than younger.

I have a big gap between #2 and #3, purposely. And then had 4 soon after 3. But the difference is that I was not at all overwhelmed. So it was right for us. It doesn't sound like 3 would be right for you.

Anonymous wrote:Keep in mind you are in peak baby fever time.

I’m an Only and my entire life wanted only 1 kid. Then we had infertility for 5 years. Finally had my one baby. And DH and I knew that our age, emotional bandwidth, and finances could only support 1 kid.

From about 1-2.5, I had the worst baby fever. Like every cell in my body was telling me “I NEED ANOTHER BABY!!” And we had 1 more embryo. The only thing keeping me from having another was that I knew 100% that one was perfect for us.
But if you are on the fence, and not sure, then the baby fever hormones will push you towards another child.

Yes, you might regret not having another. But I think that is preferable to having another and regretting it. Every path we take, means there are other paths we didn’t. And it’s really easy to fantasize about paths not taken.

If you are at your limit now, with a nanny, what happens if you have a 3rd with special needs? Or financial you can no longer afford a nanny? Or heaven forbid, something happens to DH and you have to raise them alone?

This. And sorry to be a downer but a lot of the divorces in my friend and family circles are couples with 3+. Even the observant Catholics.

Yesterday someone told me in confidence they regret having the third because it has made life so much harder in various ways, of course financial being one of them. I think you’ll get a wide variation of responses and it’s really just an individual thing at the end of the day. I think it’s good to ask this kind of question on an anonymous forum because you’ll get overall honest answers.

Keep in mind you are in peak baby fever time.

I’m an Only and my entire life wanted only 1 kid. Then we had infertility for 5 years. Finally had my one baby. And DH and I knew that our age, emotional bandwidth, and finances could only support 1 kid.

From about 1-2.5, I had the worst baby fever. Like every cell in my body was telling me “I NEED ANOTHER BABY!!” And we had 1 more embryo. The only thing keeping me from having another was that I knew 100% that one was perfect for us.
But if you are on the fence, and not sure, then the baby fever hormones will push you towards another child.

Yes, you might regret not having another. But I think that is preferable to having another and regretting it. Every path we take, means there are other paths we didn’t. And it’s really easy to fantasize about paths not taken.

If you are at your limit now, with a nanny, what happens if you have a 3rd with special needs? Or financial you can no longer afford a nanny? Or heaven forbid, something happens to DH and you have to raise them alone?

We had two under two and didn't feel overwhelmed at all. We decided to have a third. We're a year into that and it's been amazing, but also overwhelming. It's so much harder with 3. If you're feeling like 2 is a lot to handle, I would stop there!

anyone that is an anxious person, feels overwhelmed, etc should absolutely not have a third kid. It just adds more anxiety, chaos and mental load.

I have three kids, and I regret it. Don't get me wrong, I love my third with my whole heart, but I don't think it was a smart decision or fair to my other two. We are UMC too, and while we are doing ok, our childcare bills are absolutely nuts. If we hadn't restarted the clock on another round of daycare, our 529s and 401ks would be significantly healthier, we would be able to go on vacations etc.

We tried for a 3rd and got triplets (yes, natural). So we were definitely overwhelmed for awhile, but now we love having a big family and our kids do too. I get a lot of wistful comments from middle aged and older people when they see our family along the lines of “I always wanted to have more.” I think short term it is very overwhelming to grow your family, but long-term a lot of people wish for the experience of having a larger family circle. So you have to weigh both what you can tolerate near-term and what your future self in 5, 10, 50 years will value.

If you have embryos and the desire, you will def regret.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:feel like a failure when I see larger families and wonder if I should just go for it

I'm sure you know that this isn't a good reason to have a child.

I'm one of three so always thought I'd have three, but I'm happy with my two. (I think this gets easier with time. Mine are teens.)

Agree with this and the PP who talked about you not having the bandwidth and someone having to fend for themselves. I was that kid who was the youngest and the “easiest” so I ended up falling into that trap of not wanting to add to my parents’ physical, emotional, financial, or time burdens. It had negative impact, although I was more self-sufficient than many of my cohort. And, my mother was a SAHM until I was 11.

This is OP. The failing part was not well articulated. I mean that I see people with three kids (or more! Though I absolutely have no interest in more than 3) and wonder how they’re managing while I’m overwhelmed with my life with two.

I had one and felt overwhelmed and wondered how people with two were managing. Stuck with one. No regrets.

At one time I would have liked a 3rd or even 4th kids but now my kids are 14 and 16 and I am so glad we just have 2. Families with 3-4 kids don’t seemed as stressed if they have a lot of money to throw at having nannies, babysitters, maids, and/or substantial grandparent help. The other ones all seem to struggle with the third.

Two or three families we know the third child has special needs and made family dynamics really hard.

Three kids are a ton of work and can get even harder once they hit the tween/teen years. If you are feeling overwhelmed now, STOP!