I'm in my 50s and stopped dying during the COVID closures (really didn't have much choice). I knew that I'd want to stop at some point because I see so many women - and men - who continue it until they're really up there in years and it just doesn't look right. You've got an elderly face but the hair color of a 20 something! I'd rather look my age than look like I fear it.

My grandmothers had fabulous silver hair and my mother's blond enough that the grays blend in. I remember when my aunt stopped dying her hair and the silver looked really good. The women in my DH's family all color their dark brown/black hair and I'd rather go gray/silver.

my mom played this game for decades. she started dyeing her jet black hair to cover grays in her early 40s. monthly complaints about roots showing. occasional hair dye disasters on vacation. literal "i'm not leaving the house" moments because a gray hair dared to peek through. she finally stopped in her early 70s because after my father's death she went completely gray/ silver very quickly. her natural gray hair is wayyyy more lustrous and shiny than her jet-black dye job.

i'm in my 40s now and bought a gray wig just to see what i'd look like - and honestly its fabulous. it's one of those... is she a hot old lady or a young lady who went gray super early? i don't have the guts to wear it in public but at least i know what to expect. now, if i could only just go gray overnight. i refuse to give 30 years of my life to hair dye.

I grew out at 39/40 when I realized the "semipermanent" dyes I'd been doing once or twice a year faded to blonde over months, and I was salt and pepper ash brown brunette with some reddish brown old dye and blonde bits & I didn't want to get into the constant chasing of brown hair/roots that I saw my Mom go through. And I didn't think I'd look right as a Hillary Clinton/Debbie Stabenow type blonde.

Then I dyed for a job interview at 46 and thought it was going to wash out, but it didn't. I wasn't willing to go through the year+ pain of roots and dye job again, so I went to Fiddleheads and had the dyed part bleached, then colored bluish/purplish to make it gray. I was enough gray on top at that point that it matched pretty well. The bleach was horribly drying, but I used a heavy-duty fancy conditioner for a few months and it was okay.

I am 51 now, and my hair is mostly silver on top, still brown underneath in the back of my head. I have long, curly hair. My hair is not frizzy/unmanageable, it is similar in texture to when it was mostly brown.

It does make me look older, for sure, because people just associate gray hair with 60-somethings and up. I was pretty upset when an acquaintance at synagogue asked me at 43 when I was going to retire. (But then again, my years of chasing tans in my teens and 20s didn't help with that either. White 30somethings reading this, wear sunscreen on your face every day!)

But I disagree it can't be sexy. I sometimes get compliments on my hair from strangers, and still get flirted with once in a while from random men on the street/in grocery store...

Anonymous wrote:Get some ash blonde baby lights highlights to smooth the transition and get a blue or purple shampoo to keep brassy tones at bay.

Consider getting a makeup consult to begin transitioning your colors to better align with your lighter look. I think it really ages women when they don’t adjust their makeup palette and the texture of their products to complement their changing hair color and skin texture. My mom is in her 70s and recently switched to cream blush from powder and it made a huge difference.

As a fellow graying brunette, I am focusing my beauty efforts on having a young face (skincare, Botox, lasers) and accepting gray hair rather than an old / aging face and dyed hair. Unless you are prepared to invest a lot of time and money in frequent, multi-toned hair dye sessions, brunette dye on gray hair often looks harsh and fake. Meanwhile subtle, minimal adjustments to your face should be undetectable - and as a person with graying hair, other people will rarely suspect you of being so vain as to have anything done.

That’s helpful. I think that’s a good idea. I just started using a line for women over 40 called Laura Geller. It’s kind of between a cream and powder foundation and blush. I also started using tretinoin and hydroquinone and getting regular hydrofacials.

Get some ash blonde baby lights highlights to smooth the transition and get a blue or purple shampoo to keep brassy tones at bay.

Consider getting a makeup consult to begin transitioning your colors to better align with your lighter look. I think it really ages women when they don’t adjust their makeup palette and the texture of their products to complement their changing hair color and skin texture. My mom is in her 70s and recently switched to cream blush from powder and it made a huge difference.

As a fellow graying brunette, I am focusing my beauty efforts on having a young face (skincare, Botox, lasers) and accepting gray hair rather than an old / aging face and dyed hair. Unless you are prepared to invest a lot of time and money in frequent, multi-toned hair dye sessions, brunette dye on gray hair often looks harsh and fake. Meanwhile subtle, minimal adjustments to your face should be undetectable - and as a person with graying hair, other people will rarely suspect you of being so vain as to have anything done.

Would highlights possibly work to disguise it?

I grew out my gray during the pandemic. I am still a little self-conscious about it (age 52), but looking back at the pictures of my attempts to keep up with the coloring (using touch up kits every 3 weeks), it was frying my hair and just not a good look.
The grow out is tough -- try following #silversisters on Insta -- I found people with similar hair as mine and seeing their progress helped me. I used toners to help blur the line of demarcation, and had gotten light highlights in my last coloring, which helped.

My hair is thick and much softer and in better condition now that is it gray. Honestly it looks better than it did the last year or two when I was trying to cover it. I use the Aveda blue shampoo/conditioner to keep it bright.

OP here- I’m going to try getting a glaze and see how that does. If I feel old and washed out I’m going to bite the bullet and spend the time and money for it to look nice. It’s not like I don’t have it- kids are grown so I can do that easier now.

I have medium brown hair and about 30-40% grey. I touch up my roots every 4 weeks. I started using a combo of my regular color and one a bit lighter. Over about 3 months, I switched to just the lighter. It only dyes the greys and leaves my brunnette hair pretty much alone. The greys are growing out as highlights.

I’ve worked with three people who have had amazing gray hair. Actually five. They all had incredible hair before they went gray that looks amazing gray. Four of the five with vey thick and straight-haired and remained so when silvery gray. The fifth went prematurely gray starting in high school and also has an abundance of long curly gray hair. The thing that matters is that they all have really thick abundant otherwise healthy enviable hair.

Edit - haven’t regretted it. Glad I did it when I did.

I decided to let mine go gray when I was 53 because my hair grows so fast I’d have the obvious skunk stripe roots 3 weeks after coloring and I was tired of do I color it two weeks before the class reunion or two weeks before the family wedding? My younger brother was already starting to go gray and it looked very sophisticated. I was absolutely shocked when mine came in completely silver. Not a brown hair to be found.

I loved it. And once I got used to the idea, found it kind of freeing not to care about what others might think. Yeah, there were times I’d look in the mirror and miss that brown-haired girl, or shake my head because I felt I looked old. But overall, years later, have regretted it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very dumb question here: what happens if you just do an overall color of all of your hair with a store box color every couple of months instead of trying to touch up the roots monthly?

The problem is that I have the roots with no dye and the rest of it with some leftover. I think I'd have to get it done at the salon. I might do it. I feel like I look quite a bit older and my face looks washed out. I hate to add all the bother but I want to feel like I look good.

NP here, I don't really understand the issue with box color? I dye mine once a month at home, ash brown all over. It costs $10 for a kit. I focus on my roots and also work the dye through the length: you can put dye on already dyed hair. You're not bleaching, right?

I would be 100% gray if I didn't dye. I wish I could love my gray but it washes me out.

Not everyone can get a good box match. I was brunette, but had a lot of subtle reddish/auburn undertones. Dark brown or brunette would cover all the red hues and look flat and horrible with my complexion. Medium brown would pick up the red highlights and make it more auburn. Which I really loved, but the next time around, it would get redder. And the next time, a lighter red. It was always fun to see what color I’d end up with this time.

Your roots looked bad because you were only doing your roots. You need to focus on roots but do your whole head. Your options

- stick with the grey and wait it out
- stick with the grey but go to a salon for help making it look better as it grows out.
- buy a box of dye close to your real color, put it on the grey roots for 25 minutes. Apply to whole head for another 10 minutes.
- start going to a salon for full color.

I do option 3. I find doing it myself less of a time suck, because I can do it late at night or early morning, when I have the most free time.

Anonymous wrote:Have you found a stylist that blends highlights with the grey? I wonder if you added some depth to the grey in a more low maintenance way if you can tolerate it better. (I’m a blonde and my stylist does this technique where i only need to see him like every 10-12 and it doesn’t look grown out / clear demarcation etc)

DP. I'm looking for a stylist who can do this. Do you mind sharing yours?