Anonymous wrote:The mom has a right not to be married anymore if she does not want to be.

This discussion is ridiculous.

Thank you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Respect her wishes. She deserves to have some control for her remaining time on this planet

Except she is undoubtedly going to push her elderly husband problems onto her children and reduce their happiness.

No, each adult gets to make their own decisions. Her as well as them.

The poor woman is not asking for much of her life for God's sake. Or no, are women just expected to be selfless doormats until the day they are buried?

Not when she knows her decisions will absolutely affect others. She could be asking a great deal if she intends to offload caring for her husband onto her kids. And yes she did sign up for this when she agreed to get married.

In this country, women have been able to file for divorce OP’s mom’s entire lifetime. When she chose to marry, she knew she had a legal right to exit.

but then, why divorce?

Anonymous wrote:Split the assists. Get Dad the care he needs. Why divorce? If She's free to live her life any way she wants, and she has half his money, ... why divorce?

Sure if she or he meets someone else they want to marry. That would be the only reason.

If they're splitting the assets and living separately, why not divorce?

assets

Split the assists. Get Dad the care he needs. Why divorce? If She's free to live her life any way she wants, and she has half his money, ... why divorce?

Sure if she or he meets someone else they want to marry. That would be the only reason.

Anonymous wrote:Team Mom here. A lot of you seem to be imposing your own experiences on this. I'm sorry you had bad people as your mothers, but I don't think the scenarios you're describing here necessarily apply.

I think OP's mom owes her dad help finding a good continuing care center and an equitable, mediated divorce. But a lot of women spend their lives making sure that their husbands' lives are free from any personal inconvenience, and it's exhausting. She gets to stop, and asking for a clean break is a lot more ethical than just passive-aggressively dropping the rope

This. Can't say I would ever do this to my DC, their father, my husband, is twelve years older than I. There are times I want to bang my head against the wall but, I knew what this part of our lives would be and I wouldn't think of passing this off onto my DC or abandoning my DH. Couldn't do that to my family, that's the deal I made when I married older than myself, luckily I also married for love.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom repeatedly threatened to divorce my dad as he declined. She hated having him at home and never wanted him to retire. She had buckets of money to throw at the situation, but refused to have caregivers in the house, refused a day program and refused to put him in memory care. It was hellish. Finally she agreed to hired help, but she was losing it at him and me and everyone and wouldn't get psychiatric help. The more he declined the more she tantrumed, but still refused to have him in residential, yet she was declaring she was going to get a divorce. When he passed she visited his grace every day and needed a new target for her disgust-that would be me.

I don't know about your mom, but my mother worked part time now and then and got to keep all that money for herself. They traveled plenty. She had a maid several times a week, went to the spa, are at nice restaurants for decades. She just did not want to deal when life was not easy and yet she could have made life easier by having him somewhere safe and visiting, but she refused. Now she is a wealthy widow and gets her feathers ruffled if people don't cater to her enough.

+1

Yup. That's MIL - doesn't know how good she has it, but if FIL were still alive, we are convinced she would have smothered him in his sleep. When he passed, she was more than happy to travel and spend his money, though.

Ugh, it's THEIR money, remember? Doesn't change because the MIL hate thread is going on here, she is entitled to that money, like it or not.

Team Mom here. A lot of you seem to be imposing your own experiences on this. I'm sorry you had bad people as your mothers, but I don't think the scenarios you're describing here necessarily apply.

I think OP's mom owes her dad help finding a good continuing care center and an equitable, mediated divorce. But a lot of women spend their lives making sure that their husbands' lives are free from any personal inconvenience, and it's exhausting. She gets to stop, and asking for a clean break is a lot more ethical than just passive-aggressively dropping the rope

Anonymous wrote:I expect she can see that all that is left for her is to bathe and feed him the rest of her life. If there’s no love between them, I can see why she’d want out.

If she chose to be married for decades and enjoy not having to deal with rent and other expenses, then that is part of the deal. "In sickness and in health." My mom only wanted "In health and in wealth" with him out of the house all day and flying away some for work and then when "in sickness" came in she hated him and she wanted to bolt.

I assume OPs parents can afford to hire care? She isn't going to have to feed and bathe him much. He also isn't going to live forever.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Respect her wishes. She deserves to have some control for her remaining time on this planet

Except she is undoubtedly going to push her elderly husband problems onto her children and reduce their happiness.

But she is elderly now, and why does the responsibility of care only work in one direction (i.e., her giving to them)?

Why can't the decide that she has earned this brief period of respite and they (who are young healthy and have incomes) can bear that burden for a while?

Because her kids have lives and children of their own. Totally selfish of her to say “here you take your elderly dad now”.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Respect her wishes. She deserves to have some control for her remaining time on this planet

Except she is undoubtedly going to push her elderly husband problems onto her children and reduce their happiness.

No, each adult gets to make their own decisions. Her as well as them.

The poor woman is not asking for much of her life for God's sake. Or no, are women just expected to be selfless doormats until the day they are buried?

Not when she knows her decisions will absolutely affect others. She could be asking a great deal if she intends to offload caring for her husband onto her kids. And yes she did sign up for this when she agreed to get married.

Anonymous wrote:My mom repeatedly threatened to divorce my dad as he declined. She hated having him at home and never wanted him to retire. She had buckets of money to throw at the situation, but refused to have caregivers in the house, refused a day program and refused to put him in memory care. It was hellish. Finally she agreed to hired help, but she was losing it at him and me and everyone and wouldn't get psychiatric help. The more he declined the more she tantrumed, but still refused to have him in residential, yet she was declaring she was going to get a divorce. When he passed she visited his grace every day and needed a new target for her disgust-that would be me.

I don't know about your mom, but my mother worked part time now and then and got to keep all that money for herself. They traveled plenty. She had a maid several times a week, went to the spa, are at nice restaurants for decades. She just did not want to deal when life was not easy and yet she could have made life easier by having him somewhere safe and visiting, but she refused. Now she is a wealthy widow and gets her feathers ruffled if people don't cater to her enough.

+1

Yup. That's MIL - doesn't know how good she has it, but if FIL were still alive, we are convinced she would have smothered him in his sleep. When he passed, she was more than happy to travel and spend his money, though.

I expect she can see that all that is left for her is to bathe and feed him the rest of her life. If there’s no love between them, I can see why she’d want out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Respect her wishes. She deserves to have some control for her remaining time on this planet

Except she is undoubtedly going to push her elderly husband problems onto her children and reduce their happiness.

Yeah, in my own experience mom lived a privileged and cushy life and when the going got tough, she wanted to bolt and let us deal. She has always been too busy with shopping, traveling and dining out to visit her own mom in a nursing home or visit a dying brother or sister or be there for a friend beyond throwing money at something. When she finally had to deal with dad needing her she just threw hissy fits and threatened divorce. They had an insane amount of money which she wanted to keep and not spend to get him some care while she goes and does what she can handle-pamper herself. Many times she said we should do his care-giving. One of my kids has special needs, another grandkid is a cancer survivor and so forth, and we asked for no help from her because she is incapable, yet she felt we should risk losing our jobs, stress our marriages and not be there for our kids to take over care-giving because she was too special and entitled to be bothered. She didn't want nurses in her house. She didn't want to risk all her millions with residential care. She just could not deal. It was hard enough for her when trips to Europe had 2 hour delays. Princess was not going to deal with the inconvenience of an ill husband.