Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) Agree with the person who suggested seeing if you can get a nanny.

2) I'd give the husband an ultimatum - allow you to see other people or get a divorce. He's gone 6 months out of the year, he can (and probably is already without your consent) see other people then and you can too.

Ooh it’s not about me wanting to see other people. I’d rather he support me in a decision to get cosmetic surgery to repair my abdominal wall from my c section or just have time to knit or sew a project.

Or not complain if I order $30 shampoo from Sephora.
Or if I want to get eyelash extensions.
Or complain if I want a night for myself.
Or if my family wants to come visit and stay.
Or whine that I spend money on Botox.

I’d like to add we have a hefty savings account, zero debt aside from our mortgage and I work full time.

Wait- are you trolling?

Op here, no? What about that gives you the impression I’m trolling?

Anytime I want to do something for myself, like beauty treatments, it’s a big fight from him. It’s not about money.

Well it's just that all the things you mention just sound kind of selfish or extreme- plastic surgery, eyelash extensions, botox, $30 shampoo, nights to yourself. Those would give my dh pause too, unless you were super high maintenance before kids as well.

I think that instead, you and your dh should set up amounts that are okay for you to spend. Discretionary income.

You are seriously F-ed in the head if you think a woman taking care of herself is selfish. I'm NOT OP.

Absolutely NONE of the things she listed are needed for a woman to “take care of herself,” except for time alone or with family.

Self care is a thing. Some people feel great doing yoga and for others, it's having a nice purse or eyelash extensions. I get a brazilian every month and some people would probably say that's unnecessary, but it makes me feel good. Everyone has a different self-care language. If OP's is beauty/pampering than who cares? Why is it less valid than her wanting to take a pilates class every day?

It’s funny how easy it is to spot the not-married ones here. If my spouse claimed a right to spend money above our means on things because they “make him feel good” I’d laugh in his face. If you want to go into debt on eyelash extensions, don’t get married.

I've been married for ten years and have three kids. Do you think it's easy to spot the stupid ones too? Because you seem pretty stupid. And the OP said she and her husband have no debt and live a comfortable lifestyle. I'm not going to dictate what the OP and her husband can afford and I don't think you are in a position to do that either.

Oh, and no one who is married is in debt? You should take your show on the road honey. You're a barrel of laughs.

And you’ve obviously aged out of this forum. Honey.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) Agree with the person who suggested seeing if you can get a nanny.

2) I'd give the husband an ultimatum - allow you to see other people or get a divorce. He's gone 6 months out of the year, he can (and probably is already without your consent) see other people then and you can too.

Ooh it’s not about me wanting to see other people. I’d rather he support me in a decision to get cosmetic surgery to repair my abdominal wall from my c section or just have time to knit or sew a project.

Or not complain if I order $30 shampoo from Sephora.
Or if I want to get eyelash extensions.
Or complain if I want a night for myself.
Or if my family wants to come visit and stay.
Or whine that I spend money on Botox.

I’d like to add we have a hefty savings account, zero debt aside from our mortgage and I work full time.

Wait- are you trolling?

Op here, no? What about that gives you the impression I’m trolling?

Anytime I want to do something for myself, like beauty treatments, it’s a big fight from him. It’s not about money.

Well it's just that all the things you mention just sound kind of selfish or extreme- plastic surgery, eyelash extensions, botox, $30 shampoo, nights to yourself. Those would give my dh pause too, unless you were super high maintenance before kids as well.

I think that instead, you and your dh should set up amounts that are okay for you to spend. Discretionary income.

You are seriously F-ed in the head if you think a woman taking care of herself is selfish. I'm NOT OP.

Reasonable people wouldn’t consider elective cosmetic surgery and “eyelash extensions” to be “taking care of yourself.” Or $30 shampoo. Those are indulgences, not self-care.

Really nice shampoo is absolutely self-care. If my DH questioned that purchase I’d go ballistic (well first I’d check him for a concussion).

I don’t know how much Botox costs but it can’t be much more than frequent hunting trips. And if eyelash extensions make her feel beautiful and happy, who are you to say that’s not self-care?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) Agree with the person who suggested seeing if you can get a nanny.

2) I'd give the husband an ultimatum - allow you to see other people or get a divorce. He's gone 6 months out of the year, he can (and probably is already without your consent) see other people then and you can too.

Ooh it’s not about me wanting to see other people. I’d rather he support me in a decision to get cosmetic surgery to repair my abdominal wall from my c section or just have time to knit or sew a project.

Or not complain if I order $30 shampoo from Sephora.
Or if I want to get eyelash extensions.
Or complain if I want a night for myself.
Or if my family wants to come visit and stay.
Or whine that I spend money on Botox.

I’d like to add we have a hefty savings account, zero debt aside from our mortgage and I work full time.

Wait- are you trolling?

Op here, no? What about that gives you the impression I’m trolling?

Anytime I want to do something for myself, like beauty treatments, it’s a big fight from him. It’s not about money.

Well it's just that all the things you mention just sound kind of selfish or extreme- plastic surgery, eyelash extensions, botox, $30 shampoo, nights to yourself. Those would give my dh pause too, unless you were super high maintenance before kids as well.

I think that instead, you and your dh should set up amounts that are okay for you to spend. Discretionary income.

You are seriously F-ed in the head if you think a woman taking care of herself is selfish. I'm NOT OP.

Absolutely NONE of the things she listed are needed for a woman to “take care of herself,” except for time alone or with family.

Self care is a thing. Some people feel great doing yoga and for others, it's having a nice purse or eyelash extensions. I get a brazilian every month and some people would probably say that's unnecessary, but it makes me feel good. Everyone has a different self-care language. If OP's is beauty/pampering than who cares? Why is it less valid than her wanting to take a pilates class every day?

It’s funny how easy it is to spot the not-married ones here. If my spouse claimed a right to spend money above our means on things because they “make him feel good” I’d laugh in his face. If you want to go into debt on eyelash extensions, don’t get married.

I've been married for ten years and have three kids. Do you think it's easy to spot the stupid ones too? Because you seem pretty stupid. And the OP said she and her husband have no debt and live a comfortable lifestyle. I'm not going to dictate what the OP and her husband can afford and I don't think you are in a position to do that either.

Oh, and no one who is married is in debt? You should take your show on the road honey. You're a barrel of laughs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) Agree with the person who suggested seeing if you can get a nanny.

2) I'd give the husband an ultimatum - allow you to see other people or get a divorce. He's gone 6 months out of the year, he can (and probably is already without your consent) see other people then and you can too.

Ooh it’s not about me wanting to see other people. I’d rather he support me in a decision to get cosmetic surgery to repair my abdominal wall from my c section or just have time to knit or sew a project.

Or not complain if I order $30 shampoo from Sephora.
Or if I want to get eyelash extensions.
Or complain if I want a night for myself.
Or if my family wants to come visit and stay.
Or whine that I spend money on Botox.

I’d like to add we have a hefty savings account, zero debt aside from our mortgage and I work full time.

Wait- are you trolling?

Op here, no? What about that gives you the impression I’m trolling?

Anytime I want to do something for myself, like beauty treatments, it’s a big fight from him. It’s not about money.

Well it's just that all the things you mention just sound kind of selfish or extreme- plastic surgery, eyelash extensions, botox, $30 shampoo, nights to yourself. Those would give my dh pause too, unless you were super high maintenance before kids as well.

I think that instead, you and your dh should set up amounts that are okay for you to spend. Discretionary income.

You are seriously F-ed in the head if you think a woman taking care of herself is selfish. I'm NOT OP.

Absolutely NONE of the things she listed are needed for a woman to “take care of herself,” except for time alone or with family.

Self care is a thing. Some people feel great doing yoga and for others, it's having a nice purse or eyelash extensions. I get a brazilian every month and some people would probably say that's unnecessary, but it makes me feel good. Everyone has a different self-care language. If OP's is beauty/pampering than who cares? Why is it less valid than her wanting to take a pilates class every day?

It’s funny how easy it is to spot the not-married ones here. If my spouse claimed a right to spend money above our means on things because they “make him feel good” I’d laugh in his face. If you want to go into debt on eyelash extensions, don’t get married.

I've been married for ten years and have three kids. Do you think it's easy to spot the stupid ones too? Because you seem pretty stupid. And the OP said she and her husband have no debt and live a comfortable lifestyle. I'm not going to dictate what the OP and her husband can afford and I don't think you are in a position to do that either.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) Agree with the person who suggested seeing if you can get a nanny.

2) I'd give the husband an ultimatum - allow you to see other people or get a divorce. He's gone 6 months out of the year, he can (and probably is already without your consent) see other people then and you can too.

Ooh it’s not about me wanting to see other people. I’d rather he support me in a decision to get cosmetic surgery to repair my abdominal wall from my c section or just have time to knit or sew a project.

Or not complain if I order $30 shampoo from Sephora.
Or if I want to get eyelash extensions.
Or complain if I want a night for myself.
Or if my family wants to come visit and stay.
Or whine that I spend money on Botox.

I’d like to add we have a hefty savings account, zero debt aside from our mortgage and I work full time.

Wait- are you trolling?

Op here, no? What about that gives you the impression I’m trolling?

Anytime I want to do something for myself, like beauty treatments, it’s a big fight from him. It’s not about money.

Well it's just that all the things you mention just sound kind of selfish or extreme- plastic surgery, eyelash extensions, botox, $30 shampoo, nights to yourself. Those would give my dh pause too, unless you were super high maintenance before kids as well.

I think that instead, you and your dh should set up amounts that are okay for you to spend. Discretionary income.

You are seriously F-ed in the head if you think a woman taking care of herself is selfish. I'm NOT OP.

Absolutely NONE of the things she listed are needed for a woman to “take care of herself,” except for time alone or with family.

Self care is a thing. Some people feel great doing yoga and for others, it's having a nice purse or eyelash extensions. I get a brazilian every month and some people would probably say that's unnecessary, but it makes me feel good. Everyone has a different self-care language. If OP's is beauty/pampering than who cares? Why is it less valid than her wanting to take a pilates class every day?

It’s funny how easy it is to spot the not-married ones here. If my spouse claimed a right to spend money above our means on things because they “make him feel good” I’d laugh in his face. If you want to go into debt on eyelash extensions, don’t get married.

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible for him to fund a nanny for you and your family? Spend $$ on getting you support, since he isn't willing to be present for you. And his parents are dirtbags. He should be furious with them and let them know his family needed their help.

I hope he doesn't have a 2nd family. Hate saying that but idk...

I wish I had a link but around Covid there was a long thread on reddit FULL of people who had their secret second families discovered due to covid.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) Agree with the person who suggested seeing if you can get a nanny.

2) I'd give the husband an ultimatum - allow you to see other people or get a divorce. He's gone 6 months out of the year, he can (and probably is already without your consent) see other people then and you can too.

Ooh it’s not about me wanting to see other people. I’d rather he support me in a decision to get cosmetic surgery to repair my abdominal wall from my c section or just have time to knit or sew a project.

Or not complain if I order $30 shampoo from Sephora.
Or if I want to get eyelash extensions.
Or complain if I want a night for myself.
Or if my family wants to come visit and stay.
Or whine that I spend money on Botox.

I’d like to add we have a hefty savings account, zero debt aside from our mortgage and I work full time.

Wait- are you trolling?

Op here, no? What about that gives you the impression I’m trolling?

Anytime I want to do something for myself, like beauty treatments, it’s a big fight from him. It’s not about money.

Well it's just that all the things you mention just sound kind of selfish or extreme- plastic surgery, eyelash extensions, botox, $30 shampoo, nights to yourself. Those would give my dh pause too, unless you were super high maintenance before kids as well.

I think that instead, you and your dh should set up amounts that are okay for you to spend. Discretionary income.

You are seriously F-ed in the head if you think a woman taking care of herself is selfish. I'm NOT OP.

Absolutely NONE of the things she listed are needed for a woman to “take care of herself,” except for time alone or with family.

Self care is a thing. Some people feel great doing yoga and for others, it's having a nice purse or eyelash extensions. I get a brazilian every month and some people would probably say that's unnecessary, but it makes me feel good. Everyone has a different self-care language. If OP's is beauty/pampering than who cares? Why is it less valid than her wanting to take a pilates class every day?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) Agree with the person who suggested seeing if you can get a nanny.

2) I'd give the husband an ultimatum - allow you to see other people or get a divorce. He's gone 6 months out of the year, he can (and probably is already without your consent) see other people then and you can too.

Ooh it’s not about me wanting to see other people. I’d rather he support me in a decision to get cosmetic surgery to repair my abdominal wall from my c section or just have time to knit or sew a project.

Or not complain if I order $30 shampoo from Sephora.
Or if I want to get eyelash extensions.
Or complain if I want a night for myself.
Or if my family wants to come visit and stay.
Or whine that I spend money on Botox.

I’d like to add we have a hefty savings account, zero debt aside from our mortgage and I work full time.

Wait- are you trolling?

Op here, no? What about that gives you the impression I’m trolling?

Anytime I want to do something for myself, like beauty treatments, it’s a big fight from him. It’s not about money.

Well it's just that all the things you mention just sound kind of selfish or extreme- plastic surgery, eyelash extensions, botox, $30 shampoo, nights to yourself. Those would give my dh pause too, unless you were super high maintenance before kids as well.

I think that instead, you and your dh should set up amounts that are okay for you to spend. Discretionary income.

You are seriously F-ed in the head if you think a woman taking care of herself is selfish. I'm NOT OP.

I think eyelash extensions and botox are a waste of money (the plastic surgery after the c-section, if medically necessary, I understand), but I also think that golf and hunting are silly and men spend $$$ on golf and hunting (not trying to be sexist, women spend money on these things too). If OP's DH relaxes by going on hunting trips, she should be able to put the same amount of money toward eyelash extensions, botox, etc. Although you need to be careful OP, you don't want it to become a race to the bottom with regard to spending.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry, OP. This is not right. Do you think you want a divorce? Can you manage without him financially?

Think about it
hugs.

If he agrees to sell our house, yes. I’d walk away with half the equity (~200K) would be my half of the share. I wouldn’t ask for any of his retirement, pension, or even child support.

The issue would be if he contented the divorce and wants to piss away our savings in legal bills and puts up a fight or wants to keep the house.

Don’t box yourself in. Talk to a lawyer before saying this to him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women always overvalue their contribution in a relationship and undervalue their spouses' contribution. OP, you are probably doing less than you think you do and your DH is probably adding more value than you give him credit for.

You are right. He does do all the yard work and any stuff around the house that needs to be fixed.

How is he doing all the yard work if he's gone for months at a time? And unless your house is falling apart fixing things is not some regular routine task

Thanks everyone.

I’ve consulted with an attorney via email. Thankfully I have a legal benefit plan through an insurance plan at my work.

I booked an appointment with a therapist. It’s just time to file. My husband does not care about my health at all. He made it very clear to me today when I begged him to come home and help me with our son that it wasn’t an option. He couldn’t leave his hunting week.

This isn’t the first time he’s made me feel like this. There’s too many points to put in here that’s it’s almost embarrassing I’ve made it go on this long.

I’m just done.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) Agree with the person who suggested seeing if you can get a nanny.

2) I'd give the husband an ultimatum - allow you to see other people or get a divorce. He's gone 6 months out of the year, he can (and probably is already without your consent) see other people then and you can too.

Ooh it’s not about me wanting to see other people. I’d rather he support me in a decision to get cosmetic surgery to repair my abdominal wall from my c section or just have time to knit or sew a project.

Or not complain if I order $30 shampoo from Sephora.
Or if I want to get eyelash extensions.
Or complain if I want a night for myself.
Or if my family wants to come visit and stay.
Or whine that I spend money on Botox.

I’d like to add we have a hefty savings account, zero debt aside from our mortgage and I work full time.

Wait- are you trolling?

Op here, no? What about that gives you the impression I’m trolling?

Anytime I want to do something for myself, like beauty treatments, it’s a big fight from him. It’s not about money.

Well it's just that all the things you mention just sound kind of selfish or extreme- plastic surgery, eyelash extensions, botox, $30 shampoo, nights to yourself. Those would give my dh pause too, unless you were super high maintenance before kids as well.

I think that instead, you and your dh should set up amounts that are okay for you to spend. Discretionary income.

You are seriously F-ed in the head if you think a woman taking care of herself is selfish. I'm NOT OP.

Reasonable people wouldn’t consider elective cosmetic surgery and “eyelash extensions” to be “taking care of yourself.” Or $30 shampoo. Those are indulgences, not self-care.

The $30 shampoo is a weird thing to harp on. The kind I buy is $50 for a liter (when it's not on sale that is) and lasts me a year.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) Agree with the person who suggested seeing if you can get a nanny.

2) I'd give the husband an ultimatum - allow you to see other people or get a divorce. He's gone 6 months out of the year, he can (and probably is already without your consent) see other people then and you can too.

Ooh it’s not about me wanting to see other people. I’d rather he support me in a decision to get cosmetic surgery to repair my abdominal wall from my c section or just have time to knit or sew a project.

Or not complain if I order $30 shampoo from Sephora.
Or if I want to get eyelash extensions.
Or complain if I want a night for myself.
Or if my family wants to come visit and stay.
Or whine that I spend money on Botox.

I’d like to add we have a hefty savings account, zero debt aside from our mortgage and I work full time.

Wait- are you trolling?

Op here, no? What about that gives you the impression I’m trolling?

Anytime I want to do something for myself, like beauty treatments, it’s a big fight from him. It’s not about money.

$30 shampoo, eyelash extensions and Botox are what “give the impression you’re trolling.”

Your husband sounds like dead weight, but your priorities are very screwed.

Agree with this. My favorite marital “hack” is to create a budget. Simplifies literally everything, no more arguments. Doesn’t sound like OP is a budget kinda gal though. $240k combined income living in DC with a child does not come close to affording you the life of regular Botox and eyelash extensions.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry, OP. This is not right. Do you think you want a divorce? Can you manage without him financially?

Think about it
hugs.

If he agrees to sell our house, yes. I’d walk away with half the equity (~200K) would be my half of the share. I wouldn’t ask for any of his retirement, pension, or even child support.

The issue would be if he contented the divorce and wants to piss away our savings in legal bills and puts up a fight or wants to keep the house.

Ok up hold up! Why are you saying you would not ask for pension or child support? That’s insane. If you get divorced, you need to fight for every penny you’re entitled to. That’s half of marital assets, which includes half of anything he has saved during your marriage including pension, and child support. Don’t cut yourself or your kids short. He would spend the extra money on travel trips for himself. Get what you deserve so you can save it for your kids and for your own retirement so you aren’t as much of a burden to your kids when you are old. There’s no reason to say you would not take what you were entitled to financially

I hear what you’re saying.

To minimize conflict with him. I have my own savings and retirement to protect. I would not want to divvy mine up either.

I could reasonably ask for about $500-800/month in child support but I’d almost rather ask he put that money into a trust or other account for our child.

Woah- no one I know gets that little in child support!!! Especially if he makes more than 100k. You have a lot of misconceptions about divorce. Check out some books at the library. My best friend gets $2400 and her dh doesn't make a ton of money. You have a 3 year old.

Additionally, you don't have to give him 50% custody if he's out of town 6 months a year.

She makes 100,000 too. She said he makes 40% more so he makes $140,000 I presume. That isn’t going to throw off $2,400 a month in support if there is 50/50 custody.

You are correct. $2400 is a very unreasonable number in my situation.

I’d rather he just put any funds in a savings account for our son for any kind of camps, activités, medical expenses if needed.

I don’t want or need his money for day to day expenses. I’d be fine if I just get half te home equity, downsize and keep my job.

Doing everything yourself is a trauma response.

You married a deadbeat bc you were used to doing everything alone thanks to your upbringing and the relationship that was modeled for you by your parents.

It sounds like you’re not doing anything for yourself? And perhaps battling depression?

Here’s what you need to do, in this order:
-Get yourself into weekly therapy asap. You can do this on zoom from home while you’re parenting.
-Get out of the house on a regular basis. Hire a sitter once a week. If DH gets to have $$ outings, you can pay $50-100 for a sitter once or twice a week.
-Read Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. Even better if you can have your husband read it too.
-Delegate household tasks. Expect your husband to whine about it. You’ve (unintentionally) enabled his bad behavior for a long time.
-Couples counseling.
-Then reevaluate if you should stay in this relationship.

You have work to do on yourself and this relationship before you know if divorce is the best option.