Anonymous wrote:You know, there are quotes and thoughts on this and I’ll try to find them.

If we all think we aren’t doing enough, getting therapy, throwing money at problems, and still behind, the problem is not US. It’s the SYSTEM.

We are caught in an antiquated post industrialist capitalist system that exploits workers. Of course we are not okay.

Yes and it’s getting worse.

Look at how many people read OP’s post and focused on the nap she took out of desperation and say, time theft.

That “time theft” is even a thing is a sad commentary on the world.

You know, there are quotes and thoughts on this and I’ll try to find them.

If we all think we aren’t doing enough, getting therapy, throwing money at problems, and still behind, the problem is not US. It’s the SYSTEM.

We are caught in an antiquated post industrialist capitalist system that exploits workers. Of course we are not okay.

Is there any chance that one of the grandparents could come to assist for a few months, to at least get through the winter?

Your message reminds me so much of my situation 10 years ago, and it was such a hard time of life in general. (And I had a totally supportive and involved DH, and a wonderful nanny who could take the kids to appointments.)

DH needs to either (a) make more money so that you can SAH; or (b) help more at home.

If you have any way of having a grandparent come, that could really help.

It is SO stressful when the kids get sick -- I truly sympathize, as I was there myself 10 years ago. I often feel guilty knowing how hard those years were, and I hope that, for my own kids, they can one day have a SAH parent so that this type of stress is not there. It just does not seem worth it to have 2 parents both working when you are always so stressed that a kid will get sick.

Drop the husband unless you’d have to pay him child support. At the least he doesn’t exist. He’s on his own for everything (meals, meds, everything).

Who cares what happens to him? You have a limited amount of energy and you need to turn off using any at all for his benefit.

Anonymous wrote:Op I’d go to your doctor and have some basically labs done. I’m worried you have something more going on. Check your thyroid, hemoglobin, etc.

Op here. I’ve done this. Everything was normal except my vitamin D was low.

Sleep is a massive part of the problem. My child with SN has sleep problems. We actually just had an in patient sleep study done. And then when you layer illnesses on top of our existing sleep problems, everything unravels. I’m just so sleep deprived, and then I get sick, but then it takes me forever to get better because I never get enough sleep.

Anonymous wrote:Whether they will fire you depends entirely on whether you are replaceable. My job is having a hell of a time replacing people right now; no one halfway competent is getting fired for anything that is fixable. Sounds like you’ve been there for a long time and had the opportunity to build a good reputation.

Op here. This is actually super reassuring. Thank you! We have had a very hard time replacing people lately and in some cases we’ve had to hire outside consultants (at great expense) just to cover the gaps. This makes me feel a little better.

Anonymous wrote:Out of curiosity, how many kids do you have Op?

Op here. 2.

OP, your husband sounds terrible. What are his redeeming qualities? If he’s not available to take the kids to appointments or cover sick days, why not? Why is it automatically your responsibility to handle those things?

My husband also “has limitations” but there is no universe in which I am struggling as much as you are and he is doing NOTHING to make that better.

I was in a similarly overwhelmed position over the summer. My dad was dying and I was having a hard time keeping up with work. Once I realized how badly I was in the hole, I got in touch with my boss to fill her in on what was going on. In that conversation, we came up with a plan for the backlog and put other things on hold until I had more capacity. It was really hard to go to her and explain the whole situation, but I’m so glad that I did because it made it easier to be transparent when I wasn’t able to do XYZ. I took some time off during the worst of it, and it was helpful to be able to just tell her “Dad’s in surgery this morning, I’m having a hard time focusing so I won’t be at X meeting but will be available via email and back tomorrow unless something goes wrong.”

But seriously, wtf is going on with your husband?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t your nanny take the kids to the doctor? How sick are they? Where is your DH?

I have 3 kids and they were sick all the time when younger (also this fall has been rough). I only took them to the doctor when it was something unusual - and that usually happened at night and we had to go to urgent care or the ER. We were always told to follow up with our pediatrician but I used my own discretion.

I get being exhausted- no answers for that - it’s very stressful having sick kids who need soothing. And inevitably they don’t sleep well, so I don’t either.

I think you will be fine if the constant sick days don’t continue - that is you won’t get fired and hopefully this will be forgotten- but it won’t be if you don’t find a solution.

Op here, the nanny doesn’t drive and her English is not great so doc appointments are out. She often comes with me to the appointments though, and that is a huge help as I can do emails while we wait and she entertains DD.

One of my kids has SN, including epilepsy (and gets seizures when sick), so I feel we have to follow up with the doctors. I guess our pediatrician does tend to tell us to come in for every little thing and I go along with it.

The problem with my exhaustion is it’s the kind I can’t seem to rally through anymore. I’ll suck it up and push through my own sickness or sleep deprivation, only to spend 3 hours trying to write a simple email, or I’ll be on calls and just can’t remember even the simplest word. I can’t track what’s happened on anything from one day to the next, it’s like every day I’m trying to remember what’s going on with my projects because my memory is just not functional anymore.

I was able to just suck it up and power through on the past but I can’t anymore. I laid down on the floor of my office a few weeks ago at lunch to just close my eyes for 20 minutes and I woke up and it had been 3 hours!

My kid also has epilepsy, a rare and catastrophic kind that is drug resistance. She has seizures routinely. We don’t have follow up appointments after every seizure. And many of our doctor appointments with her multiple neurologists are video or phone calls that our kid doesn’t need to be there in person for. You might be going to far more appointments than are necessary.

That said, the early diagnostic days were really really rough. I echo what others have said - talk to your managers about what’s going on and your need for a little flexibility until you figure out what your equilibrium is. You aren’t going to get fired. I’m a manager and workers dealing with health issues is par for the course. You would be surprised how frequently it comes up.

And absolutely proactively use your leave to nurture your own health. And prioritize sleep over everything. i’ve had phases where I went to bed as soon as my kid went down. And even in spite of everything that needed to get done, I would just tell myself over and over again that nothing was more important than sleep. Everything is harder if you’re not getting enough sleep.

Out of curiosity, how many kids do you have Op?

Off-topic, but every woman that has posted that's in a similar situation, go back and read your post - you all sound like single moms. I'm not bashing you by any means. My own husband is not hugely helpful, but I don't think I was ever concerned with losing my job.

I certainly hope you aren't also keeping the homefires burning, and that once you get past this winter/illness you'll have a minute to breathe and figure out whether you want the rest of your life to be in partnership with someone wholly unwilling to step up.

Anonymous wrote:Op I’d go to your doctor and have some basically labs done. I’m worried you have something more going on. Check your thyroid, hemoglobin, etc.

She can and maybe should do this. But depression will absolutely make you this exhausted. You need to fix your RX for depression.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You took a nap in your office for THREE HOURS? Nobody noticed? They should fire you because clearly your job isn’t even needed.

Op here, nobody noticed. I mostly work remote so they maybe assumed I was working from home. I’ve never done anything like this before. It wasn’t intentional. The work I do is highly technical/specialized and I have a lot of independence. I think that’s part of why nothing has happened yet-I’m the only person in my office that can do this type of work.

At the time of the nap incident, I didn’t realize it but I had the flu. I had already missed so much work and was so behind with everything and I had a meeting that was mandatory in person, so I pushed through. One of my kids later tested positive for the flu and then I tested positive.

You work mostly remote and you’re still missing one or two days a week?

You know a lot of employers (like the federal government) have a rule that you have to take leave if you're caring for a child, and can't WFH?

Whether they will fire you depends entirely on whether you are replaceable. My job is having a hell of a time replacing people right now; no one halfway competent is getting fired for anything that is fixable. Sounds like you’ve been there for a long time and had the opportunity to build a good reputation.

Op I’d go to your doctor and have some basically labs done. I’m worried you have something more going on. Check your thyroid, hemoglobin, etc.