Anonymous wrote:I would not pay for my parents’ assisted living. My first responsibility is to my children and ensuring my own retirement. My father ended up in a nursing home after a stroke. I got him into one near me that takes Medicaid and started the spend-down process. He ran out of money after only 2 months and the facility applied for Medicaid. He was approved. I visit often because he’s close by and drive him to medical appointments. My HHI is about 500,000 and there is no way that I would spend that on assisted living when he qualifies for government assistance. I owe it to my children to not saddle them with such a burden or choice when I’m old.

$500K hhi and you too selfish to help your dad out? Do you ever wonder what your father did for you?

My parenents constsntly complained about the cost of raising me. I will not be funding any long term care.

Anonymous wrote:Elders move into a facility that (will eventually) accept their Medicare payment. That's it. It's not that difficult.

If you don't like what's nearby, they go to a lower COL area. Where they have roots or elderly friends/siblings/where they once lived or where they grew up. Some connection. You visit. They meet and make connections in their new place. Being social with people other than family, that's on them and largely a personality thing you can't control.

Medicare does not pay for assisted living.

Except in unusual situations or if there’s a cultural expectation understood from a young age, I don’t agree with paying for a nursing home for parents.

If your parents are white MC/UMC boomers then they had plenty of opportunity to make and save money. The exceptions of course for a black swan event like a lawsuit or whatnot.

So many MC/UMC boomer moms didn’t even work. My own mom was too good to work. So I should have to leave my baby every day to go to work to pay for my mom’s care? The same mom who had countless vacations, a summer house, etc? Thankfully my parents have plenty in savings, but even if they didn’t - I wouldn’t step up to pay. Paying for your own parents’ care instead of saving only continues the cycle of dependency. You’re likely to end up dependent on your own kids one day. Who knows if social security will be around or what amount of taxes we will be paying. I do not want to be a burden on my kids and will not subsidize parents who had a lifetime of living an affluent lifestyle. Guarantee that so many of the parents having kids pay for their care drove new cars, took cruises, had a cleaning service, yard service etc.

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Anonymous wrote:Elders move into a facility that (will eventually) accept their Medicare payment. That's it. It's not that difficult.

If you don't like what's nearby, they go to a lower COL area. Where they have roots or elderly friends/siblings/where they once lived or where they grew up. Some connection. You visit. They meet and make connections in their new place. Being social with people other than family, that's on them and largely a personality thing you can't control.

Just wow. Cannot imagine feeling that way. So cold.

Seriously. Ship your parent to a nursing home so they can be social in their new place. So cold. I hope your children treat you so well in your old age.

I go out of my way to visit my dad who is in and out of the hospital. I bring the grandkids to see him because it brings a smile to see my 5yo daughter. I tell my son that it is sad to visit my dad but it is duty and obligation. I try to model behavior that I hope they will replicate one day. I hope when I am in old age that my children will come visit me and bring my grandchildren.

I would be heartbroken if my children just sent me away.

IME what sounds cold to some is the result of dysfunctional parents. Those parents may have had trauma of their own that led to the dysfunction. People who had loving, involved, supportive, stable families of origin never understand the privilege this is and "can't imagine" anything else.

What "sounds cold" IS COLD. I can appreciate what you've shared but think it's very sad that such dysfunction continues in these families, despite the supposedly better life that the adult children now have.

You are judgmental and don’t know what you’re talking about. Stop. NP by the way.

Judgmental? People can form opinions and judge others' behaviors. It's one thing to not have the money. That's why many families take in their elderly parents. What was described is indeed very cold.

DP. Judgmental when you don’t have all the facts is unfair. You don’t know the parent-child relationship, the families’ financial situation, other pressing matters (e.g. special needs child, medical bills, …), the parent’s’ financial situation, the quality of the nursing home, the other ways the children are supporting the parent (beyond financial),…. You are making a lot of assumptions when you call people evil, cold, or bad.

Everyone has problems and circumstances and issues that can make it all hard. Still cold.

Yep. It's also pretty cold to be raised by narcissistic, nasty, manipulative, emotionally abusive parents who leave a life time of damage to unravel. So no, not going to be spending my time in middle age making sure they're getting lots of visits and opportunities to socialize with family. I happen to have the money to make sure mine are in a very nice and safe place. That's the beginning and the end of it for me.

Luckily I'm past this stage of my life, but many people will respond to being shamed by people like you who insist that all of us owe our family of origin something. It's incredibly toxic what you're saying.

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Anonymous wrote:I agree generally that older disabled parents should not be the priority, but what can you realistically do? The Medicaid thing suggested above is absurd. My mother was in one of these places this summer and it was inhuman. We as a society have simultaneously extended lives beyond when they are worth living, and at the same time made it a norm to break apart geographically tight families and organizations—which just lines the pockets of the elder care industry. We need to have a reckoning with this; it is unsustainable.

I’m the SAHM above. We spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on home remodeling, cars and travel. Dh thinks I have guilt problems. Dh is totally fine with me spending thousands on anything I want but has a problem committing to shelling out for a huge nursing home bill for an unknown amount of time.

The rehab center my dad was at was truly depressing. I feel like it is where poor people go to die.

You and DH have messed up priorities.

Dh earns a seven figure income. We save a ton. Our retirement and children’s college is already funded. We can afford the extras easily and we can afford to pay $10k+ per month for my dad. I just told Dh I am going back to work. I don’t want to ask Dh to pay for my dad. He said he didn’t say no. I don’t like asking him to pay for my family.

In general, we are on the same page with money since we are big savers. Yes, he buys some expensive toys but we can afford it.

Honestly, these types of comments are what has always dissuaded me from being an SAHM. My DH makes high six figures and I make roughly 300K. But I am sure there will be a time where we don't agree on a large-ish expense (something like private schools, or expensive care for my mom as she gets older) and I want to be sure I'm in a position to be able to make those decisions. Good luck OP, I hope your return to the workforce is smooth.

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Anonymous wrote:Elders move into a facility that (will eventually) accept their Medicare payment. That's it. It's not that difficult.

If you don't like what's nearby, they go to a lower COL area. Where they have roots or elderly friends/siblings/where they once lived or where they grew up. Some connection. You visit. They meet and make connections in their new place. Being social with people other than family, that's on them and largely a personality thing you can't control.

Just wow. Cannot imagine feeling that way. So cold.

Seriously. Ship your parent to a nursing home so they can be social in their new place. So cold. I hope your children treat you so well in your old age.

I go out of my way to visit my dad who is in and out of the hospital. I bring the grandkids to see him because it brings a smile to see my 5yo daughter. I tell my son that it is sad to visit my dad but it is duty and obligation. I try to model behavior that I hope they will replicate one day. I hope when I am in old age that my children will come visit me and bring my grandchildren.

I would be heartbroken if my children just sent me away.

IME what sounds cold to some is the result of dysfunctional parents. Those parents may have had trauma of their own that led to the dysfunction. People who had loving, involved, supportive, stable families of origin never understand the privilege this is and "can't imagine" anything else.

What "sounds cold" IS COLD. I can appreciate what you've shared but think it's very sad that such dysfunction continues in these families, despite the supposedly better life that the adult children now have.

You are judgmental and don’t know what you’re talking about. Stop. NP by the way.

Judgmental? People can form opinions and judge others' behaviors. It's one thing to not have the money. That's why many families take in their elderly parents. What was described is indeed very cold.

DP. Judgmental when you don’t have all the facts is unfair. You don’t know the parent-child relationship, the families’ financial situation, other pressing matters (e.g. special needs child, medical bills, …), the parent’s’ financial situation, the quality of the nursing home, the other ways the children are supporting the parent (beyond financial),…. You are making a lot of assumptions when you call people evil, cold, or bad.

Everyone has problems and circumstances and issues that can make it all hard. Still cold.

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Anonymous wrote:Elders move into a facility that (will eventually) accept their Medicare payment. That's it. It's not that difficult.

If you don't like what's nearby, they go to a lower COL area. Where they have roots or elderly friends/siblings/where they once lived or where they grew up. Some connection. You visit. They meet and make connections in their new place. Being social with people other than family, that's on them and largely a personality thing you can't control.

Just wow. Cannot imagine feeling that way. So cold.

Seriously. Ship your parent to a nursing home so they can be social in their new place. So cold. I hope your children treat you so well in your old age.

I go out of my way to visit my dad who is in and out of the hospital. I bring the grandkids to see him because it brings a smile to see my 5yo daughter. I tell my son that it is sad to visit my dad but it is duty and obligation. I try to model behavior that I hope they will replicate one day. I hope when I am in old age that my children will come visit me and bring my grandchildren.

I would be heartbroken if my children just sent me away.

IME what sounds cold to some is the result of dysfunctional parents. Those parents may have had trauma of their own that led to the dysfunction. People who had loving, involved, supportive, stable families of origin never understand the privilege this is and "can't imagine" anything else.

What "sounds cold" IS COLD. I can appreciate what you've shared but think it's very sad that such dysfunction continues in these families, despite the supposedly better life that the adult children now have.

You are judgmental and don’t know what you’re talking about. Stop. NP by the way.

Judgmental? People can form opinions and judge others' behaviors. It's one thing to not have the money. That's why many families take in their elderly parents. What was described is indeed very cold.

DP. Judgmental when you don’t have all the facts is unfair. You don’t know the parent-child relationship, the families’ financial situation, other pressing matters (e.g. special needs child, medical bills, …), the parent’s’ financial situation, the quality of the nursing home, the other ways the children are supporting the parent (beyond financial),…. You are making a lot of assumptions when you call people evil, cold, or bad.

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Anonymous wrote:Elders move into a facility that (will eventually) accept their Medicare payment. That's it. It's not that difficult.

If you don't like what's nearby, they go to a lower COL area. Where they have roots or elderly friends/siblings/where they once lived or where they grew up. Some connection. You visit. They meet and make connections in their new place. Being social with people other than family, that's on them and largely a personality thing you can't control.

Just wow. Cannot imagine feeling that way. So cold.

Seriously. Ship your parent to a nursing home so they can be social in their new place. So cold. I hope your children treat you so well in your old age.

I go out of my way to visit my dad who is in and out of the hospital. I bring the grandkids to see him because it brings a smile to see my 5yo daughter. I tell my son that it is sad to visit my dad but it is duty and obligation. I try to model behavior that I hope they will replicate one day. I hope when I am in old age that my children will come visit me and bring my grandchildren.

I would be heartbroken if my children just sent me away.

IME what sounds cold to some is the result of dysfunctional parents. Those parents may have had trauma of their own that led to the dysfunction. People who had loving, involved, supportive, stable families of origin never understand the privilege this is and "can't imagine" anything else.

What "sounds cold" IS COLD. I can appreciate what you've shared but think it's very sad that such dysfunction continues in these families, despite the supposedly better life that the adult children now have.

You are judgmental and don’t know what you’re talking about. Stop. NP by the way.

Judgmental? People can form opinions and judge others' behaviors. It's one thing to not have the money. That's why many families take in their elderly parents. What was described is indeed very cold.

Let’s think of this from the parent’s perspective: would they really want you to drain your college fund and mortgage the grandchildren’s future for a year or two of private pay nursing? This person who makes $500k is an outlier. Families cannot and should not pay this out of their own savings.

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Anonymous wrote:Elders move into a facility that (will eventually) accept their Medicare payment. That's it. It's not that difficult.

If you don't like what's nearby, they go to a lower COL area. Where they have roots or elderly friends/siblings/where they once lived or where they grew up. Some connection. You visit. They meet and make connections in their new place. Being social with people other than family, that's on them and largely a personality thing you can't control.

Just wow. Cannot imagine feeling that way. So cold.

Seriously. Ship your parent to a nursing home so they can be social in their new place. So cold. I hope your children treat you so well in your old age.

I go out of my way to visit my dad who is in and out of the hospital. I bring the grandkids to see him because it brings a smile to see my 5yo daughter. I tell my son that it is sad to visit my dad but it is duty and obligation. I try to model behavior that I hope they will replicate one day. I hope when I am in old age that my children will come visit me and bring my grandchildren.

I would be heartbroken if my children just sent me away.

IME what sounds cold to some is the result of dysfunctional parents. Those parents may have had trauma of their own that led to the dysfunction. People who had loving, involved, supportive, stable families of origin never understand the privilege this is and "can't imagine" anything else.

What "sounds cold" IS COLD. I can appreciate what you've shared but think it's very sad that such dysfunction continues in these families, despite the supposedly better life that the adult children now have.

You are judgmental and don’t know what you’re talking about. Stop. NP by the way.

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Anonymous wrote:Elders move into a facility that (will eventually) accept their Medicare payment. That's it. It's not that difficult.

If you don't like what's nearby, they go to a lower COL area. Where they have roots or elderly friends/siblings/where they once lived or where they grew up. Some connection. You visit. They meet and make connections in their new place. Being social with people other than family, that's on them and largely a personality thing you can't control.

Just wow. Cannot imagine feeling that way. So cold.

Seriously. Ship your parent to a nursing home so they can be social in their new place. So cold. I hope your children treat you so well in your old age.

I go out of my way to visit my dad who is in and out of the hospital. I bring the grandkids to see him because it brings a smile to see my 5yo daughter. I tell my son that it is sad to visit my dad but it is duty and obligation. I try to model behavior that I hope they will replicate one day. I hope when I am in old age that my children will come visit me and bring my grandchildren.

I would be heartbroken if my children just sent me away.

IME what sounds cold to some is the result of dysfunctional parents. Those parents may have had trauma of their own that led to the dysfunction. People who had loving, involved, supportive, stable families of origin never understand the privilege this is and "can't imagine" anything else.

What "sounds cold" IS COLD. I can appreciate what you've shared but think it's very sad that such dysfunction continues in these families, despite the supposedly better life that the adult children now have.

I’m confused about the people paying for nursing home care With no end in sight.

My mother got into one of the nicest places in her town with the money she had left and then converted to Medicaid eventually when her money ran out. Yes you need to have a sizable amount of assets saved to get in upfront. If your parent doesn’t have that you’re better off giving them this money as a known one-time gift then signing yourself up to an unknown amount of monthly payments.

Anonymous wrote:Man some of you people are pretty heartless.

$500K a year in income? Millions of dollars in savings no doubt, I’m sure a nice house, and you ship parents to the lowest bidder?

Jeez.

+1 Your summary is spot on.

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Anonymous wrote:I would not pay for my parents’ assisted living. My first responsibility is to my children and ensuring my own retirement. My father ended up in a nursing home after a stroke. I got him into one near me that takes Medicaid and started the spend-down process. He ran out of money after only 2 months and the facility applied for Medicaid. He was approved. I visit often because he’s close by and drive him to medical appointments. My HHI is about 500,000 and there is no way that I would spend that on assisted living when he qualifies for government assistance. I owe it to my children to not saddle them with such a burden or choice when I’m old.

Wow, the word "evil" gets thrown around a lot, but it may actually be the best descriptor for you.

+1
This woman is not a good person.

Please elaborate.