Anonymous wrote:Op, specify whether you are talking about just this year or forever.

I think it was clearly forever.

Anonymous wrote:She sounds very reasonable: one particular holiday is particularly special to her family, but she's willing to spend all other holidays with your family. We do something similar: Thanksgiving with my family and Christmas with my husband's family, because those are the holidays that are more important to each family.

But for many, many families, Christmas is the most important. You and your husband got lucky that Christmas is more important to his family and Thanksgiving is more important to yours. It does not sound like that is the case with OP and their GF. Granted, GF has an EXTRA reason for Christmas to be particularly special with her family--her dad's birthday, but that doesn't lesson the importance of Christmas with OP's family and if OP wants to be able to spend Christmas with their family sometimes, that should be considered.

OP, would you take every third (versus every other)?

The other thing to consider--if you have kids, you may, as I do, want your kids to wake up at home, at least during the Santa/magic years. Waking up at home Christman morning and then going to your GF's parents is easy. Waking up at home and then going to your parents won't really work.

Anonymous wrote:Op, specify whether you are talking about just this year or forever.

+1

I think figuring out a sharing of the holidays is an important part of being married. I don't think you need to do it while you are dating.

But if it's a deal breaker that after you're married she would never spend an Xmas with your family, well now you know. Are you ok with that or not?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can't you split the holidays? My family is more into Christmas and my husband's is more into Thanksgiving, so we have always done Christmas with my family and Thanksgiving with his.

His girlfriend said she won't do that.

She did. She said she preferred to spend Christmas and father's birthday with her parents, and offered to spend Christmas Eve AND Thanksgiving with OP's family. Despite the travel difficulties, I'd say she's VERY generous and that OP has no leg to stand on. OP is the selfish one.

Anonymous wrote:Can't you split the holidays? My family is more into Christmas and my husband's is more into Thanksgiving, so we have always done Christmas with my family and Thanksgiving with his.

His girlfriend said she won't do that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah I’m on girlfriend’s side. 11 hours is a lot to travel in 1 day just to make both, it’s her dad’s birthday. Just do Eve with your family and Christmas with hers. DH and I have a similar arrangement because my family is a plane ride away - we do Christmas with my family and New Years with his; it works out great since my extended family throws a Christmas party and his family likes to throw a big New Years.

You can’t do Eve with one family and day with another family 11 hours away.

Why not? I'm guessing they're not talking about an 11-hour flight.

Yes, OP, you'll have to explain to me how you're proposing to do Christmas Eve 11 hrs away, then Christmas 2 hrs away. If your girlfriend is fine with it, that's all good. But once you have kids, it will NOT be sustainable. So just bear in mind that traveling far away for the Holidays is SOLELY for active adults who don't have kids. Traveling with kids is exhausting, especially if there's jet lag involved.

Right- so everything being discussed here is likely to be a temporary arrangement. Childless adults in their 20s can handle some pretty crazy travel over the holidays.

I think you should break up (grow up)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah I’m on girlfriend’s side. 11 hours is a lot to travel in 1 day just to make both, it’s her dad’s birthday. Just do Eve with your family and Christmas with hers. DH and I have a similar arrangement because my family is a plane ride away - we do Christmas with my family and New Years with his; it works out great since my extended family throws a Christmas party and his family likes to throw a big New Years.

You can’t do Eve with one family and day with another family 11 hours away.

Why not? I'm guessing they're not talking about an 11-hour flight.

Yes, OP, you'll have to explain to me how you're proposing to do Christmas Eve 11 hrs away, then Christmas 2 hrs away. If your girlfriend is fine with it, that's all good. But once you have kids, it will NOT be sustainable. So just bear in mind that traveling far away for the Holidays is SOLELY for active adults who don't have kids. Traveling with kids is exhausting, especially if there's jet lag involved.

If you spent 23/24 and morning of 25 with her family, then 25 was a most-of-the-drive day with an overnight hotel stop, you can spend 26-28 or so with your family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah I’m on girlfriend’s side. 11 hours is a lot to travel in 1 day just to make both, it’s her dad’s birthday. Just do Eve with your family and Christmas with hers. DH and I have a similar arrangement because my family is a plane ride away - we do Christmas with my family and New Years with his; it works out great since my extended family throws a Christmas party and his family likes to throw a big New Years.

You can’t do Eve with one family and day with another family 11 hours away.

Why not? I'm guessing they're not talking about an 11-hour flight.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she basically saying she will never willingly be away from her family on Dec 25? Only you can decide if that’s a dealbreaker. In my family we can have “Christmas” on whatever day people can get together, so it doesn’t really matter whether it happens on the 25th or closer to New Years. Maybe she’s being selfish and irrational, but also maybe it doesn’t actually matter that much.

If she said she’s fine with going Christmas Eve I don’t see what’s the big deal.

The big deal is that bc of the distance to his family, splitting Christmas isn’t an option.

Why not? I’ve absolutely done Xmas-eve-night or Xmas-morning flights or overnight driving in this exact situation. That works when you’re young and don’t have kids. But after you have kids, things change dramatically. Most people aren’t going to want to be traveling with young kids on Xmas day every year.

Anonymous wrote:If you want to get married, propose. She's smart enough not to act like a wife until you act like a husband. Three years is enough.

And if the two of you can't resolve this with a civil conversation, just break up. A married couple faces a lot of disagreements and challenges, and this is a small one in the grand scheme of things.

+1

No ring, no sacrifices

You're the selfish one.

She's literally said you can have the other holidays and she's even willing to spend Christmas Eve there with yours. So because she doesn't cave and want to spend this particular day with your family she's selfish?!

Her dad is elderly and you're not her husband and you guys don't have any kids.

You sound controlling.

Anonymous wrote:Yeah I’m on girlfriend’s side. 11 hours is a lot to travel in 1 day just to make both, it’s her dad’s birthday. Just do Eve with your family and Christmas with hers. DH and I have a similar arrangement because my family is a plane ride away - we do Christmas with my family and New Years with his; it works out great since my extended family throws a Christmas party and his family likes to throw a big New Years.

You can’t do Eve with one family and day with another family 11 hours away.