Anonymous
Post 11/21/2022 18:10     Subject: I hosted Thanksgiving yesterday and not a single person offered to bring something
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I (32F) hosted Thanksgiving yesterday for my dad's side of the family and not a single person offered to bring something. I am married and have two small kids ages 4 and 1.

Attendees included:
-My dad and his girlfriend (late 60s)
-My brother and his girlfriend (both 28)
-My other brother and his girlfriend (29/20)
-My uncle and his wife (early 60s)

My DH is great and tried his best to keep the kids entertained while I cooked all day. When everyone say down for the meal, people kept needing really specific things (garlic salt, a pitcher for water, hot sauce, cinnamon) so I'd repeatedly have to get up and go to the kitchen just as I was about to finally take my first bite every time to the point that I felt like it was a joke or an episode of "What Would You Do". At one point, I went in the kitchen to laugh so I didn't cry. Did no one notice I'm the only person of the bunch with small kids AND the only person that did any preparations, cooking, or clean up (DH helped with clean up)? Even when I was trying to clean up, my 4yo was hanging on my legs asking me to play Candyland with her. I finally said "DD, go ask your uncles or Papa to play with you" so she did and they said there was an awkward silence followed by one "maybe later".

I guess I'm just shocked. Maybe I should have delegated and said X can you bring Y, but I felt like the mistreated help and it's still bothering me today.


Your dad. Your uncle. Your 2 brothers. See a pattern?

And no one asked about bringing anything (pie, wine, flower arrangement, cheese plate)?

This really goes with the whole "women are stucking doing Thanksgiving" theme that I am seeing on here today. I have to think that your mom, an aunt, and 2 sisters would have all reached out. You have now BTDT. Next year, if you host, assign assign assign.

I'm so dumb, I read that whole other post and replies and didn't even catch the pattern in this one but you are right.


NP here. My guess is that the girlfriends all asked if they should bring something and their boyfriends all reassured them the answer was no, thwt you were happy to do it all.
Anonymous
Post 11/21/2022 17:49     Subject: I hosted Thanksgiving yesterday and not a single person offered to bring something
Anonymous wrote:The Candyland bit is just, yikes. The self absorption.


"Guys, you can play Candyland with Larla or take over on cleanup so I can play. What'll it be?"
Anonymous
Post 11/21/2022 17:33     Subject: I hosted Thanksgiving yesterday and not a single person offered to bring something
Anonymous wrote:Op here- it was definitely my first time hosting. We skipped attending thanksgiving the last two years because of COVID and I was pregnant for one year.

My parents divorced when I was a young adult and I guess until then we always a well oiled holiday machine where my mom did the turkey and each aunt had a designated side dish they made every year. There was never really a conversation about it.

Holy cow did I learn my lesson. Looking into sign up genius.


I guarantee you this is not how it actually happened. You were simply a kid and not directly involved in all the planning so you're assuming there was no planning.
Anonymous
Post 11/21/2022 17:32     Subject: I hosted Thanksgiving yesterday and not a single person offered to bring something
Anonymous wrote:Op here. Wow, ok I am realizing I had no idea that there are holidays that are not potluck style. Growing up, my mom and aunts each had their designated dish. DH and I have been together since high school (so it's not like I've been to many different families' holidays) and in his family, everyone also brings something.

Thanks for the perspective.


OP, this is a live-and-learn experience. Every family has different traditions, and many families have different traditions that vary with each major holiday. Some people like to do all of the cooking themselves — and may even enjoy not deviating from the menu that they’ve planned. Others do a catered meal, so no one has major cooking responsibilities. As others have said, when you take on the role of hosting the meal, people will be looking to you for guidance. While I think most people would ask if you wanted them to bring something, others might assume that like any other dinner invitation, the details of the meal will be taken care of by the host. So, I hope you got some joy out of this experience! I agree with the suggestions that others have made — that if you’re hosting and actually have a potluck in mine, you not only have to tell people in advance, you’ll have to ask if you want specific dishes or specific types of dishes, and coordinate things so that everyone isn’t bringing the same things. As host, it would be expected that you will do / provide the turkey, or whatever your main course is going to be, but that’s also something for you and your guests to decide amongst yourselves.

I hope your future Thanksgiving celebrations are more to your taste.

Anonymous
Post 11/21/2022 17:18     Subject: I hosted Thanksgiving yesterday and not a single person offered to bring something
Anonymous wrote:OP - my guess is that your guests were too young and old to realize or remember how much work it takes to host a variety of people. I'm sorry! I would say that next time you should give them all explicit jobs, but then you have to be prepared for the million follow-up questions.


This... I think it depends on whether people literally are ignorant to all the work it takes to host, or purposely trying to shirk any duties. In the case or my ILs it's the latter. They want to show up and be served because they think they have put in "their time," mind you they never hosted for anyone beyond their own household.
So, yes, I could probably stand up for myself more but it's also not always that easy when people don't actually want to help at all. Ask for any food to be brought, etc and it's a million questions and phone calls about a pie. Oh could you keep an eye on the toddler while I throw this in the oven? "Uhhh I think he wants mommy"
Anonymous
Post 11/21/2022 16:41     Subject: I hosted Thanksgiving yesterday and not a single person offered to bring something
OP - my guess is that your guests were too young and old to realize or remember how much work it takes to host a variety of people. I'm sorry! I would say that next time you should give them all explicit jobs, but then you have to be prepared for the million follow-up questions.
Anonymous
Post 11/21/2022 16:39     Subject: I hosted Thanksgiving yesterday and not a single person offered to bring something
1. Delegate. You need to tell people what to bring
2. Why couldn't your husband go get the cinnamon from the kitchen? You need to make him do more.

Stop being such a pushover and then complaining about it. Grow a spine.
Anonymous
Post 11/21/2022 16:33     Subject: I hosted Thanksgiving yesterday and not a single person offered to bring something
OP, you learned. My guess is the older generation (your dad and uncle and their partners) are more than happy to pass the reins. If your brothers grew up seeing your mom and her sisters doing all the cooking, they likely wouldn't expect to contribute.

So, yeah - delegate next time. The good thing about hosting is that you get to decide what you want to ask others to bring! I save my favorites for me to cook, but am more than happy to offload the mashed potatoes or whatever.
Anonymous
Post 11/21/2022 16:32     Subject: Re:I hosted Thanksgiving yesterday and not a single person offered to bring something
OP, that sucks. I wouldn't allow this to deter you from doing so in future, but go into it better prepared with assignments for your brother, your uncle, and dad. Also request that they take turns with Candyland while you and your DH keep on top of the meal, the younger one, etc.

My MIL is very good about reminding everyone, "get your drinks before you sit down." No one dares ask her after that announcement nor should they.

My SIL often hosts Thanksgiving. I usually bring items in the dessert/salad range as per her requests. I then stand next to the sink for most of the prep time, sometimes over an evening and Thanksgiving day, and handle that end of the work. I generally enjoy it as most people are in/near the kitchen and it also keeps down the clutter as the meal is served from the adjoining counter. BIL handles the after meal dishes though I make myself available to dry large items.
Anonymous
Post 11/21/2022 15:47     Subject: I hosted Thanksgiving yesterday and not a single person offered to bring something
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I (32F) hosted Thanksgiving yesterday for my dad's side of the family and not a single person offered to bring something. I am married and have two small kids ages 4 and 1.

Attendees included:
-My dad and his girlfriend (late 60s)
-My brother and his girlfriend (both 28)
-My other brother and his girlfriend (29/20)
-My uncle and his wife (early 60s)

My DH is great and tried his best to keep the kids entertained while I cooked all day. When everyone say down for the meal, people kept needing really specific things (garlic salt, a pitcher for water, hot sauce, cinnamon) so I'd repeatedly have to get up and go to the kitchen just as I was about to finally take my first bite every time to the point that I felt like it was a joke or an episode of "What Would You Do". At one point, I went in the kitchen to laugh so I didn't cry. Did no one notice I'm the only person of the bunch with small kids AND the only person that did any preparations, cooking, or clean up (DH helped with clean up)? Even when I was trying to clean up, my 4yo was hanging on my legs asking me to play Candyland with her. I finally said "DD, go ask your uncles or Papa to play with you" so she did and they said there was an awkward silence followed by one "maybe later".

I guess I'm just shocked. Maybe I should have delegated and said X can you bring Y, but I felt like the mistreated help and it's still bothering me today.


Your dad. Your uncle. Your 2 brothers. See a pattern?

And no one asked about bringing anything (pie, wine, flower arrangement, cheese plate)?

This really goes with the whole "women are stucking doing Thanksgiving" theme that I am seeing on here today. I have to think that your mom, an aunt, and 2 sisters would have all reached out. You have now BTDT. Next year, if you host, assign assign assign.

I'm so dumb, I read that whole other post and replies and didn't even catch the pattern in this one but you are right.
Anonymous
Post 11/21/2022 15:45     Subject: I hosted Thanksgiving yesterday and not a single person offered to bring something
Uh, this is one you, OP. You should have said, “I will host if others will bring a side!” Then you do turkey and a side or two you like, and let everyone else bring a side.

No one should be asking you for cinnamon or hot sauce though, that’s just weird and rude.
Anonymous
Post 11/21/2022 15:44     Subject: I hosted Thanksgiving yesterday and not a single person offered to bring something
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Thanksgiving is the most sexist day on the planet. I hate it.


If you act like a mealy-mouthed ninny, it sure can be. If you act like an adult woman, it isn’t and never will be. Choose Your Own Adventure.

Ask for help. When you invite, ask if they can bring X or Y. Come out of the kitchen and say that you’d appreciate it if someone played Candyland with Larla while you cleaned up, or even better, someone play Candyland and Uncle Bob, can you take out the trash. Etc.


This is the whole crux of the issue. They're all adults yet have never been taught to offer help. You have to ask and delegate them like they're children.


I would say that children are the ones who expect other people to be mind-readers and behave how they want, when they want, etc. Magical thinking. Adults communicate.
Anonymous
Post 11/21/2022 15:43     Subject: I hosted Thanksgiving yesterday and not a single person offered to bring something
Anonymous wrote:Op here. Wow, ok I am realizing I had no idea that there are holidays that are not potluck style. Growing up, my mom and aunts each had their designated dish. DH and I have been together since high school (so it's not like I've been to many different families' holidays) and in his family, everyone also brings something.

Thanks for the perspective.


Sure. But you didn't designate dishes for people. Did you expect them to read your minds?

Also, your husband should have helped you, and let others watch the kids.

Anonymous
Post 11/21/2022 15:42     Subject: I hosted Thanksgiving yesterday and not a single person offered to bring something
People could have helped clean up, even if there wasn’t a tradition of bringing something. (?) OP, lesson learned. Next year don’t host them! Or else assign people categories of things to bring. Also you can buy some things pre made to make your life easier.
Anonymous
Post 11/21/2022 15:41     Subject: I hosted Thanksgiving yesterday and not a single person offered to bring something
Anonymous wrote:Op here. Wow, ok I am realizing I had no idea that there are holidays that are not potluck style. Growing up, my mom and aunts each had their designated dish. DH and I have been together since high school (so it's not like I've been to many different families' holidays) and in his family, everyone also brings something.

Thanks for the perspective.


Your mom and aunts? So it’s totally OK for women to host, but men are exempt? And like, that’s the goal you’re holding up as the right way to do a holiday?

Snerk.

ASK for SPECIFIC help.