OP, you should read this article:

"When My Father Died, I Discovered the Unmentionable Stage of Mourning: Relief"
https://www.washingtonpost.com/magazine/2022/12/05/when-my-father-died-i-discovered-unmentionable-stage-mourning-relief/

I could relate. I loved my mother very much and until about seven years ago, I'd have said we had a great relationship. She lived near me, my kids and I saw her multiple times a week, she often came to dinner parties I hosted, came on vacation with us, etc.

Then her health began to decline, and she started losing her lifelong battle with alcohol and depression. She developed dementia. Her physical, mental and cognitive health deterioriated dramatically and (as often happens with dementia) her personality changed drastically. She became abusive and mean, both to her health aides and to family members. It was awful. I still saw her almost every day, but I became her caregiver and it almost killed me. Seeing my beloved mother turn into a miserable, nasty person was horrible, and doing things like changing the diapers of someone who shouts at you the whole time is... not much fun.

So: did I love my mother? Absolutely. Did I love the person she became? Nope.

She died last year. I miss the person she used to be, terribly. I do not miss the person she became, and the person she used to be would have loathed the person she became.

I love my mother.
She drives me crazy.
We can't be together in the same house for more than 2 weeks a year.

But I will miss her TERRIBLY when she's gone.

Duh, OP. You big silly.

I will miss her, but life will be easier.

Anonymous wrote:have a nice mother? Who you will miss when she is gone?
Did you all have dysfunctional families as a child?

My mom was far from perfect, and her old age was very difficult for us all (she was bed ridden for years)...but I was always clear on how hard she had worked to raise us. And that she did the best she could. When she died, I had the insight, "no one else on this planet will ever love me as much as my mother did."

Don't start staying I am not sympathetic to those who were abused, or their right to set boundaries for their own mental health.

I am just asking if there are people on DCUM who miss their mothers every day and feel very blessed to have had her in their lives.

I think that one really weird thing is that those of us with kind, loving, wonderful mothers have a lot less guilt because we know our moms have reasonable expectations about caregiving. So, we might have technical questions about how to do things, but maybe a lot less stress and need to vent overall.

Anonymous wrote:I love and miss my mom. My MIL… when she passes it will be hard not to sing… ding ding the witch is…

Same here

Anonymous wrote:I love my mom so much. We talk on the phone every single day. But there’s nothing about that to say on DCUM.

+1

My mom is/was a really good mom all things considered and I love her very much. Right now she is dying of brain cancer and it's heartbreaking.

I do understand how different people's experiences can be with their families though. I'm grateful for my mom.

I love and miss my mom. My MIL… when she passes it will be hard not to sing… ding ding the witch is…

My mother stayed married to my raging alcoholic, abusive father over 50 years because “he was a great provider” and “where else could she go” as a then young mom of 5 with only a high school education?

I spent my childhood anxious, depressed and struggling because my mom decided to live a lie: that she was a happy housewife raising 5 well-adjusted, incredibly smart and attractive DC in comfort and luxury. She had escaped her middle of nowhere hometown and now could live as she had only daydreamed.

We were expected to be impeccably dressed, exceedingly polite and never seek recognition or attention and to always project benign happiness. Absolutely stifling. No sports or interests or activities because our secret would be out.

Most painful was that every summer, mom treated herself to a solo vacation to visit friends and family in spectacular destinations and she’d leave us behind with our abuser - our alcoholic dad who used this coveted time away from her to go on benders. One night, he didn’t come home. We were terrified. Yet she’d return home with souvenirs and stories and never ask how we were.

Still dealing with my long widowed mom who continues her narcissistic, idealized view. Medication and therapy has helped me.

I miss my mom and dad so much. I could use their love right now. They weren’t perfect, but perfect for me. Gone too soon. 💔💔

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this a thread meant to bash those of us who have posted about less than ideal mothers?

And thanks for calling us bitter. We just need a place to vent. I am actually a quite nice and balanced person... with a mother who is pretty difficult and can say hateful things to her daughter (me).

But yeah, thanks for the judgement.

No, and it borders on crazy that you think this post is meant to bash people who were damaged by their childhood.

Sorry, but you have no more right to post here than does someone who had wonderful parents.

Some people have kids who are angels/straight A students and some have kids who party and are failing out of school. They are all allowed to post on DCUM, and it is not healthy that you think happy people are out to "bash you." Please seek therapy.

As another poster said, you are gaslighting! Wow - what is wrong with YOU? Or are you taking what you've learned in therapy and now are a armchair therapist, working on your pretend degree.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love my husband and we have a good relationship. I don't come here to brag about that because i have empathy for those in bad marriages. I miss my dad and he was kind and generous. I vent about my mother who is abusive. If it upsets you, then avoid those posts. I can love my father and husband and understand not everybody has or had that love in their lives.

I think posters should be able to share warm, positive feelings about family members without those posts being considered bragging. Why just share vents?

And OP could have done that, by posting the first part of her OP and not the second. But she didn’t, hence the responses.

^^Yes, this!