Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never know what to make of this so I thought I’d ask here!

My DH travels for work almost exclusively. He’s gone 4-5 days a week. We make the most of the weekends as a family, and about once a month/every six weeks, our kids visit their grandma, my MIL, for a visit. DH usually takes them and kills, really, three birds with one stone: I get a break alone, DH visits his mother, and MIL gets to see the kids.

The issue is, she complains to him constantly about how she doesn’t see the kids enough in between. The thing is, she refuses to visit with them when DH isn’t home. I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. DH had suggested this to her, encouraged it, and we’ve all explained to her that I’m just a call or text away if she’s ever in the mood for a weekday visit, or even a weekend visit. She never takes us up on the offer, yet complains.

No, it isn’t an issue with driving, nor any other mobility issue. She’s a strapping young 60-something woman who plays pickle ball and will happily drive herself home in the dark after the orchestra or theater.

Why won’t she arrange visits with my children without DH there? I hate that it feels personal. What could I be missing?

(1) You rarely accompany your husband when he takes the kids to visit his mother.
(2) You don't actually want her to visit, you want her to babysit.

She doesn't take him up on it because the two of you aren't close (indeed, you've made it fairly clear you aren't interested in spending time with her) and for whatever reason, she doesn't want to babysit. How many kids do you have? How old are they? How far is the drive?

This isn’t about babysitting, I have a sitter I pay if I need one. I have all that covered! This is simply a question of why my MIL will complain about missing our kids but then will do nothing to see them.

And yet, here you state in your OP: I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. You say similar things in other responses. This isn't about babysitting, my big Aunt Fanny.

You've stated that you are happy to hire a babysitter, but you've also made it clear that you only want Grandma to come over if she is going to take the kids off your hands. Not because you need her to - after all, you have the paid babysitter - but because you don't seem to see any other reason for her to come over. You don't want her to come over and just visit with you and the kids. Does she ever come over when DH is home?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never know what to make of this so I thought I’d ask here!

My DH travels for work almost exclusively. He’s gone 4-5 days a week. We make the most of the weekends as a family, and about once a month/every six weeks, our kids visit their grandma, my MIL, for a visit. DH usually takes them and kills, really, three birds with one stone: I get a break alone, DH visits his mother, and MIL gets to see the kids.

The issue is, she complains to him constantly about how she doesn’t see the kids enough in between. The thing is, she refuses to visit with them when DH isn’t home. I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. DH had suggested this to her, encouraged it, and we’ve all explained to her that I’m just a call or text away if she’s ever in the mood for a weekday visit, or even a weekend visit. She never takes us up on the offer, yet complains.

No, it isn’t an issue with driving, nor any other mobility issue. She’s a strapping young 60-something woman who plays pickle ball and will happily drive herself home in the dark after the orchestra or theater.

Why won’t she arrange visits with my children without DH there? I hate that it feels personal. What could I be missing?

(1) You rarely accompany your husband when he takes the kids to visit his mother.
(2) You don't actually want her to visit, you want her to babysit.

She doesn't take him up on it because the two of you aren't close (indeed, you've made it fairly clear you aren't interested in spending time with her) and for whatever reason, she doesn't want to babysit. How many kids do you have? How old are they? How far is the drive?

This isn’t about babysitting, I have a sitter I pay if I need one. I have all that covered! This is simply a question of why my MIL will complain about missing our kids but then will do nothing to see them.

And yet, here you state in your OP: I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. You say similar things in other responses. This isn't about babysitting, my big Aunt Fanny.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never know what to make of this so I thought I’d ask here!

My DH travels for work almost exclusively. He’s gone 4-5 days a week. We make the most of the weekends as a family, and about once a month/every six weeks, our kids visit their grandma, my MIL, for a visit. DH usually takes them and kills, really, three birds with one stone: I get a break alone, DH visits his mother, and MIL gets to see the kids.

The issue is, she complains to him constantly about how she doesn’t see the kids enough in between. The thing is, she refuses to visit with them when DH isn’t home. I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. DH had suggested this to her, encouraged it, and we’ve all explained to her that I’m just a call or text away if she’s ever in the mood for a weekday visit, or even a weekend visit. She never takes us up on the offer, yet complains.

No, it isn’t an issue with driving, nor any other mobility issue. She’s a strapping young 60-something woman who plays pickle ball and will happily drive herself home in the dark after the orchestra or theater.

Why won’t she arrange visits with my children without DH there? I hate that it feels personal. What could I be missing?

(1) You rarely accompany your husband when he takes the kids to visit his mother.
(2) You don't actually want her to visit, you want her to babysit.

She doesn't take him up on it because the two of you aren't close (indeed, you've made it fairly clear you aren't interested in spending time with her) and for whatever reason, she doesn't want to babysit. How many kids do you have? How old are they? How far is the drive?

This isn’t about babysitting, I have a sitter I pay if I need one. I have all that covered! This is simply a question of why my MIL will complain about missing our kids but then will do nothing to see them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never know what to make of this so I thought I’d ask here!

My DH travels for work almost exclusively. He’s gone 4-5 days a week. We make the most of the weekends as a family, and about once a month/every six weeks, our kids visit their grandma, my MIL, for a visit. DH usually takes them and kills, really, three birds with one stone: I get a break alone, DH visits his mother, and MIL gets to see the kids.

The issue is, she complains to him constantly about how she doesn’t see the kids enough in between. The thing is, she refuses to visit with them when DH isn’t home. I would LOVE for her to come and take them to dinner one evening while DH is away, for example. DH had suggested this to her, encouraged it, and we’ve all explained to her that I’m just a call or text away if she’s ever in the mood for a weekday visit, or even a weekend visit. She never takes us up on the offer, yet complains.

No, it isn’t an issue with driving, nor any other mobility issue. She’s a strapping young 60-something woman who plays pickle ball and will happily drive herself home in the dark after the orchestra or theater.

Why won’t she arrange visits with my children without DH there? I hate that it feels personal. What could I be missing?

(1) You rarely accompany your husband when he takes the kids to visit his mother.
(2) You don't actually want her to visit, you want her to babysit.

She doesn't take him up on it because the two of you aren't close (indeed, you've made it fairly clear you aren't interested in spending time with her) and for whatever reason, she doesn't want to babysit. How many kids do you have? How old are they? How far is the drive?

This isn’t about babysitting, I have a sitter I pay if I need one. I have all that covered! This is simply a question of why my MIL will complain about missing our kids but then will do nothing to see them.

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you get along with her okay, you aren’t close but it’s not like you can’t stand her. So text her some specific times and invite her to dinner at your house! How old are the kids? I don’t particularly enjoy taking my own kids out to eat, restaurants can be a huge pain.

Say ‘Hi Sally, it’s been a while since the kids have seen you! Would you like to come over for dinner next week? Susie has ballet on Tuesday and Timmy has Basketball on Thursday, but Monday or Wednesday would be great. We can order from the new Italian place that has been getting good reviews!” If you try this 3 times over 3 separate weeks and she never takes you up on it, then give up and go back to open ended invitations.

Or just tell your husband to stop telling you about his mom’s complaints! If he can’t make her reach out to you, and you’re unwilling to reach out to her, he needs to just listen to her complain and not relay it all back and forth.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't actually want to lighten your load, OP. Or it stresses her out to be alone with the kids. What she wants is the visit on her terms and to have your attention and you there to manage the kids so it's easy for her. This is a generational thing, she feels entitled to the Respect For Elders treatment.

And you know, I sort of get it. I am 60 and not a grandmother yet, but I have noticed I have less patience for mundane inconveniences. As estrogen lowers, women become a bit more like men:self-interested.

There’s a pill for that.

I hope it’s one that men can take.

NP. My dad and my FIL are great grandfathers who give a lot of time, energy, attention and care to their grandparents, both when DH and/or I are around, and when we’re not. Same with my uncle, who lives nearby and is in his early 70s. Stop categorizing lazy, detached, self-focused behavior as “male” and own up to the fact that you are increasingly low-energy, self-interested, and unwilling to help. Which is fine, but own it, don’t try to act like it’s some men vs. women thing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't actually want to lighten your load, OP. Or it stresses her out to be alone with the kids. What she wants is the visit on her terms and to have your attention and you there to manage the kids so it's easy for her. This is a generational thing, she feels entitled to the Respect For Elders treatment.

And you know, I sort of get it. I am 60 and not a grandmother yet, but I have noticed I have less patience for mundane inconveniences. As estrogen lowers, women become a bit more like men:self-interested.

There’s a pill for that.

I hope it’s one that men can take.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't actually want to lighten your load, OP. Or it stresses her out to be alone with the kids. What she wants is the visit on her terms and to have your attention and you there to manage the kids so it's easy for her. This is a generational thing, she feels entitled to the Respect For Elders treatment.

And you know, I sort of get it. I am 60 and not a grandmother yet, but I have noticed I have less patience for mundane inconveniences. As estrogen lowers, women become a bit more like men:self-interested.

There’s a pill for that.

I hope it’s one that men can take.

NP. My dad and my FIL are great grandfathers who give a lot of time, energy, attention and care to their grandparents, both when DH and/or I are around, and when we’re not. Same with my uncle, who lives nearby and is in his early 70s. Stop categorizing lazy, detached, self-focused behavior as “male” and own up to the fact that you are increasingly low-energy, self-interested, and unwilling to help. Which is fine, but own it, don’t try to act like it’s some men vs. women thing.

Anonymous wrote:Why is she supposed to take the kids to dinner without you? That seems personal.

Why don’t you invite her to your home to have dinner? Or invite her to watch a sports practice or have a movie night with the kids?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't actually want to lighten your load, OP. Or it stresses her out to be alone with the kids. What she wants is the visit on her terms and to have your attention and you there to manage the kids so it's easy for her. This is a generational thing, she feels entitled to the Respect For Elders treatment.

And you know, I sort of get it. I am 60 and not a grandmother yet, but I have noticed I have less patience for mundane inconveniences. As estrogen lowers, women become a bit more like men:self-interested.

There’s a pill for that.

I hope it’s one that men can take.