Anonymous
Post 11/19/2022 05:51     Subject: More of a vent because the die is cast
We have something similar, but it is DHs sibling, not parents. We have given her tens of thousands of dollars over the years.

At one point (our kids were little), I put my foot down. Simply said that our kids were not going to lose out on college, our retirement was not going to be affected or delayed because she made, and continued to make, bad choices. That we couldn't continue to throw good money after bad, and that a plan needed to be made that would define our level of contributions going forward and forever that didn't negatively impact our family.

I think the most important thing is for you and spouse to come to an agreement on what is appropriate/acceptable. And then stick with it. Maybe it's selling the house and downsizing now, maybe it's telling them, we can afford to help you with (an amount) each month, but cannot go beyond that. Or maybe something else. But whatever it is, make sure your kids and family are not going to suffer for their bad choices/poor planning
Anonymous
Post 11/19/2022 00:03     Subject: Re:More of a vent because the die is cast
Anonymous wrote:I'm curious whether any of these people that are suggesting that these old people "reap what they sow" would REALLY let their own parents become destitute and/or not get the care they need in old age.

Yes, the ILs failed to plan. Yes, they should have. That was wrong.

But there is nothing in OP's post to indicate that they are overall bad people, were bad parents or bad grandparents. I couldn't imagine not helping them out if the need arises.

It sucks and I'm sorry OP, but my best advice is to just try to come to terms with it. Better yet, try not to think about it at all. It hasn't happened yet, and may not.


They blew a $2 million dollar inheritance... if I had to support them after that I'd be resentful.
Anonymous
Post 11/19/2022 00:01     Subject: More of a vent because the die is cast
Anonymous wrote:OP, you’re not poor and they’re not young. None of this is gonna kill you. They sound like good people. Suck it up. They’re family.


What exactly did you read that gave you the impression that these are in fact "good people"? 🧐
Anonymous
Post 11/18/2022 22:45     Subject: Re:More of a vent because the die is cast
I get wanting to vent, so I hear you on that end. But it doesn't sound like it's as dire as you first mentioned it was. It also sounds like you have some resentment because they're different than your parents and have handled their finances differently. I would try not to hold onto that. Your MIL is right - you can't take it with you. It sounds like they're lucky that they've been healthy enough to travel and do those things, don't begrudge them that. If you do need to help them out financially, make sure that you don't compromise your own retirement goals. By like they say - don't cry over spilt milk (or spent money, in this case).
Anonymous
Post 11/18/2022 20:34     Subject: More of a vent because the die is cast
A fancy retirement community is a luxury not everyone gets to have.

There is a lot of subsidized housing for elderly people out there.

They get social security.

If your husband is involved in getting their finances in order, I suspect that he will find a way to help them live within their means.

Living in a fancy retirement village is beyond MANY peoples' means. Including theirs, apparently.

If it comes to the point where he has to subsidize their expenses, wait until they ask because it changes the dynamic.

Also, don't assume siblings can't help. Ask what they can contribute if your family will contribute. The siblings' families can likely afford something.
Anonymous
Post 11/18/2022 15:32     Subject: More of a vent because the die is cast
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, you’re not poor and they’re not young. None of this is gonna kill you. They sound like good people. Suck it up. They’re family.


What makes you think they sound like good people? They sound like people who decided to spend as much as they could without making a plan for the future, to avoid burdening their son and his family. What part of that sounds good to you?


No, that’s not what happened. They did plan, they just didn’t plan well. And they’re family.


But they had a lot of resources to plan. A lot.
Anonymous
Post 11/18/2022 15:31     Subject: More of a vent because the die is cast
Anonymous wrote:OP, you’re not poor and they’re not young. None of this is gonna kill you. They sound like good people. Suck it up. They’re family.


I did write that I came here to vent, not look for ways to offload them.
Anonymous
Post 11/18/2022 15:19     Subject: More of a vent because the die is cast
Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP - that sucks. I may be in a similar boat one day. My DH believes that being a “good son” means financially supporting a parent. Whereas I was raised to believe that being a “good parent” means not financially burdening your adult children. Not saying one way is better than the other, but it’s tough when you’re not aligned.

I’m not trying to come off as miserly or lacking compassion… it just sucks when I’ve lived a life of discipline and sacrifice for long term goals and my in laws have no problems taking… they don’t appreciate the sacrifice because they never made similar sacrifices. In fact, DH’s grandfather left him money for college and my in laws spent it when DH was in junior high/high school!!! So they could keep up their UMC lifestyle.)


Are you kidding? How does someone do that?
Anonymous
Post 11/18/2022 15:16     Subject: More of a vent because the die is cast
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, I get your frustration. My parents raised us to be frugal and self reliant, and they embodied those traits perfectly. They would be abhorred by any parent who behaved the way your ILs did. It's hard to swallow that your ILs have been living lavishly while counting on your DH and you when the money runs out. I'm glad that your DH seems to have a handle on things and that it may not be as bad as your first anticipated it.

I agree with everything in this post except that they lived lavishly because they expected their son to bail them out. They may not have expected to live much beyond 80, but also, I think there was some magical thinking going on. I think they convinced themselves that everything would just work out and that it wasn’t time to start cutting back yet — not because they were okay with their son supporting them, but just out of misplaced confidence that because they’d always had plenty of money, they always will.

It is sickening that they squandered a $2 million inheritance. At the time of my beloved grandmother’s death, she was holding onto land worth a few hundred thousand dollars. She wouldn’t sell it to live more comfortably because it had always been my grandparents’ dream to leave an inheritance for their 4 children. Grandma died with her modest home paid off, but less than $1,000 in her bank account. It pains me to think about her living on the razor’s edge so that her children could inherit as much as possible.

If I inherit anything from my parents’ estate, that money will be treated with reverence commensurate with the work and sacrifice that went into building some wealth. No fancy vacations unless I can afford them without the inheritance. My top priority is ensuring that I’m not ever a burden on my children. I hope my children will inherit something from me. I’m not going to live like a pauper to maximize their inheritance, but I’m more of a saver than a spender by nature.


PP, I think you're spot on here. I don't think my ILs went into this thinking they would rely on their children. Genetically they should have realized, based on their own parents' lives, that there was a good chance that they might live into their 90s as three of their four parents did. My guess is that they ended up using the $2 mill to finance the trips, houses, etc rather than investing at least most of it and living off the proceeds accordingly. This was around the time my FIL retired and possibly they decided to think of the money as annual income.

Look, we are generally fine and not necessarily looking for an inheritance, but that is not the case for DH's sibling. They have been assuming for some time that there would be money to inherit. And they could use it. Look, they have a fine U/MC life but even $5000-10,000 can make a huge difference, especially as they are both self employed. I think that's why MIL's "money - you can't take it with you" comment really sticks in my craw. Could they not have eliminated one of those trips and cut back a month or so over a few years on the winter rental to leave something to DH's sibling and family?

So, there is a bit of a breather, but may also just be kicking the can down the road a bit. Interested to know if folks think DH should try to have conversation now with his parents about what might be the next housing steps or wait till more pressing.
Anonymous
Post 11/18/2022 14:51     Subject: More of a vent because the die is cast
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Were they generous with your family? Did they ever invite you on these vacations? Did they ever send your kids Christmas or birthday gifts?


X100000

Or even babysit more than a few times???

GTFOH


So interesting. We attended two of the 15-20 trips. One was fairly modest and the second was quite so in comparison to their other trips. We really enjoyed getting to spend some time together as a larger family, but they pivoted to trips on their own approximately 10 years ago. I think they wanted to visit parts of the world they had never seen, which totally makes sense, and in a more luxurious accommodations.

We do not live in the same town so there really wasn't babysitting.

Yes, they provided holiday and BD gifts. If you want to boil it down that way, the cost of the gifts probably doesn't cover one to two months in a retirement community.
Anonymous
Post 11/18/2022 14:44     Subject: More of a vent because the die is cast
Anonymous wrote:OP, I get your frustration. My parents raised us to be frugal and self reliant, and they embodied those traits perfectly. They would be abhorred by any parent who behaved the way your ILs did. It's hard to swallow that your ILs have been living lavishly while counting on your DH and you when the money runs out. I'm glad that your DH seems to have a handle on things and that it may not be as bad as your first anticipated it.

I agree with everything in this post except that they lived lavishly because they expected their son to bail them out. They may not have expected to live much beyond 80, but also, I think there was some magical thinking going on. I think they convinced themselves that everything would just work out and that it wasn’t time to start cutting back yet — not because they were okay with their son supporting them, but just out of misplaced confidence that because they’d always had plenty of money, they always will.

It is sickening that they squandered a $2 million inheritance. At the time of my beloved grandmother’s death, she was holding onto land worth a few hundred thousand dollars. She wouldn’t sell it to live more comfortably because it had always been my grandparents’ dream to leave an inheritance for their 4 children. Grandma died with her modest home paid off, but less than $1,000 in her bank account. It pains me to think about her living on the razor’s edge so that her children could inherit as much as possible.

If I inherit anything from my parents’ estate, that money will be treated with reverence commensurate with the work and sacrifice that went into building some wealth. No fancy vacations unless I can afford them without the inheritance. My top priority is ensuring that I’m not ever a burden on my children. I hope my children will inherit something from me. I’m not going to live like a pauper to maximize their inheritance, but I’m more of a saver than a spender by nature.
Anonymous
Post 11/18/2022 14:31     Subject: More of a vent because the die is cast
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, you’re not poor and they’re not young. None of this is gonna kill you. They sound like good people. Suck it up. They’re family.


Um, no. Spoken like a true Boomer.


Such a weird response.
Anonymous
Post 11/18/2022 14:28     Subject: More of a vent because the die is cast
Anonymous wrote:If their house is paid off, could they consider a reverse mortgage to help cover living expenses? I know there are some downsides, but it may be worth looking into.


+1

Agree.
Anonymous
Post 11/18/2022 14:26     Subject: More of a vent because the die is cast
Anonymous wrote:Were they generous with your family? Did they ever invite you on these vacations? Did they ever send your kids Christmas or birthday gifts?


X100000

Or even babysit more than a few times???

GTFOH
Anonymous
Post 11/18/2022 14:16     Subject: More of a vent because the die is cast
OP, I get your frustration. My parents raised us to be frugal and self reliant, and they embodied those traits perfectly. They would be abhorred by any parent who behaved the way your ILs did. It's hard to swallow that your ILs have been living lavishly while counting on your DH and you when the money runs out. I'm glad that your DH seems to have a handle on things and that it may not be as bad as your first anticipated it.