Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, it is likely you will spend more because you have another member of your family. At some point, you may have more children.

What is your housing situation? Are you in a good school district?

Will she want to stay home indefinitely or for a year or two?

How much do you earn? What are your savings? Any debt?

I wanted to stay home when we had our first child but we couldn’t afford for me not to work. I still had a ton of student loans. we didn’t own a home. Eventually I did stay home when we could afford for me to stay home. I paid off all my loans. DH could afford to support us and save for retirement and college.

When I was working, many women were home. Now I don’t work and many of those SAHMs are back at work.

OP here. We love in a condo we bought when we got married. We plan to be in here for at least another 3-5 years. We will eventually move to the suburbs and buy a house.

I’m not sure how long she will stay home. We do plan to have second child fairly soon. I expect her to be at home for at least the next 2-3 years.

I make around $200k and she makes a little over $100k. We have a good amount in savings and multiple investments. No debt besides mortgage.

HUh???

The next few years of your marriage is going to be rough.

And 200k is not a lot for your wife to be staying at home in this economy and you have a baby? and want another one?

Yikes! Youre going to be resentful.

Also what happens if you lose your job?

DC people see out of touch with reality. OP makes more than many Americans. He makes 4 times more than the average American family. He can definitely raise a family with a SAHM wife on that salary. Many raise kids on one income making far less.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I truly don't understand why men and women don't discuss this before marriage? Please help me understand why you guys didn't have this discussion?

THere was an amazing conversation in tech twitter last year about men open expressing they have no desire to be a breadwinner.

What? Men can’t bring it up safely while dating. You come off as a 50s Neanderthal. Many women don’t think about SAH, thinking of having it all and the education and career they built, but then when they get home they have that tiny baby who seems defenseless and can’t imagine leaving them.

There is often no fruitful pre marriage counseling. MAYBE… women can filter for even higher paying DH, to insure against all eventualities, but I think most women filter for as high income as they can nowadays.

I did not think I would want to stay home with my kids. I thought SAHMs were lazy or bad at their careers. I don’t think Dh would ever marry a woman whose goal in life was to stay home and I would not have married a guy who would want a stay at home wife. We decided together that it would be best for our family for me to stay home and we did not decide this until we had our second child.

Same here. I would have laughed in your face if you said I would end up as a SAHM while dating/engaged. I wanted to juggle working and a baby…until I held the baby in my arms and everything changed and I couldn’t imagine leaving her. This is one of those things where sure, if the man absolutely cannot imagine being a sole provider, he should bring that up. But also the couple just needs to be compatible enough, and flexible in how they handle disagreements, for a marriage to work. Things change as you progress in a marriage throughout life’s milestones like parenthood.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I truly don't understand why men and women don't discuss this before marriage? Please help me understand why you guys didn't have this discussion?

THere was an amazing conversation in tech twitter last year about men open expressing they have no desire to be a breadwinner.

What? Men can’t bring it up safely while dating. You come off as a 50s Neanderthal. Many women don’t think about SAH, thinking of having it all and the education and career they built, but then when they get home they have that tiny baby who seems defenseless and can’t imagine leaving them.

There is often no fruitful pre marriage counseling. MAYBE… women can filter for even higher paying DH, to insure against all eventualities, but I think most women filter for as high income as they can nowadays.

I did not think I would want to stay home with my kids. I thought SAHMs were lazy or bad at their careers. I don’t think Dh would ever marry a woman whose goal in life was to stay home and I would not have married a guy who would want a stay at home wife. We decided together that it would be best for our family for me to stay home and we did not decide this until we had our second child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much does she earn at her current job?

What are your childcare plans and costs if she goes back to work? Childcare is so expensive that in some cases the extra stress you get from work and having to balance home and work life is just not worth the extra bit of income

OP here. She earns a little over $100k. One of the main reasons for her quitting is it will be hard to find childcare given that she would prefer to go back PT. Her original plan was to go back PT 3 days a week, but we many nannies we looked at all wanted FT. We would need to do it the legal way and I assumed with rates of a nanny in the area and taxes, we would be spending about $40-50k on a PT nanny.

The math isn’t mathing. Why would a PT nanny cost $50k?

What would the hourly rate be and the total bi-weekly hours worked?

I had a full-time nanny that we paid, on the books, and she was not $100k per year so I’m curious to know the answer to this.
$50-70k could get you a FT nanny.

OP here. I’m probably over estimating the cost of a PT nanny.

I think a nanny share would be perfect for you guys.

I’m a sahm and would not be if DH put me on a budget/allowance. Please note that if she is home, she will have more time to spend money. She won’t be spending less. She will likely spend more. You know your wife best. Is she the type that would want the nicer stroller, travel stroller, cute baby clothes. Is she social and likely to meet up with other UMC for coffee, brunch and lunch? She will want to drop the baby weight and keep the gym membership.

I definitely know some SAHMs on a budget. I have one friend whose husband lets her have a break but doesn’t want her to spend any money on that break. That would not work for me. I went on stroller walks with friends and we would go out for coffee and/or lunch. When kids were older, we would check out various kid activities. All this costs money. Your wife won’t just sit at home spending less money.

OP here. We do not want a nanny share. We do not the idea of another kids and dealing with other parents who will be employers. My wife is fully against this.

I’m not saying she can’t spend money. I just don’t think she needs everything she has now.

We have

Hello Fresh
Freshly
Daily Harvest
Butcher Box

She gets weekly massages + facials, nails done every two weeks, hair every 6 weeks, and a gym membership that she hasn’t gone to since she gave birth.

I don’t mind the gym membership, nails, hair cut, etc., but I think she can scale the massages and facials back to twice or once a month and get rid of some of these meals services. We spend about $1000/month on food services on top of groceries.

Pp here. I’m a massage person myself. I didn’t really care much for massages before kids. I needed them more when I had a baby because my back and shoulders hurt from carrying the baby around. Your wife sounds high maintenance. For the record, when you have a baby, you don’t miraculously have more time to cook.

I’m a sahm so I fully understand why she would want to stay home. People can live off 200k. I think you should have a clear plan on how long she would stay home. Will it be until the second child is in preschool? Elementary? Forever?

OP here. I do all the cooking.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Great. So make a plan for 6 months and live off the income you would have if she quit or went part time. And then see what the budget is for the lifestyle you want.

OP here. Second baby will be tried for soon.

Anonymous wrote:Great. So make a plan for 6 months and live off the income you would have if she quit or went part time. And then see what the budget is for the lifestyle you want.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I truly don't understand why men and women don't discuss this before marriage? Please help me understand why you guys didn't have this discussion?

THere was an amazing conversation in tech twitter last year about men open expressing they have no desire to be a breadwinner.

What? Men can’t bring it up safely while dating. You come off as a 50s Neanderthal. Many women don’t think about SAH, thinking of having it all and the education and career they built, but then when they get home they have that tiny baby who seems defenseless and can’t imagine leaving them.

There is often no fruitful pre marriage counseling. MAYBE… women can filter for even higher paying DH, to insure against all eventualities, but I think most women filter for as high income as they can nowadays.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much does she earn at her current job?

What are your childcare plans and costs if she goes back to work? Childcare is so expensive that in some cases the extra stress you get from work and having to balance home and work life is just not worth the extra bit of income

OP here. She earns a little over $100k. One of the main reasons for her quitting is it will be hard to find childcare given that she would prefer to go back PT. Her original plan was to go back PT 3 days a week, but we many nannies we looked at all wanted FT. We would need to do it the legal way and I assumed with rates of a nanny in the area and taxes, we would be spending about $40-50k on a PT nanny.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, it is likely you will spend more because you have another member of your family. At some point, you may have more children.

What is your housing situation? Are you in a good school district?

Will she want to stay home indefinitely or for a year or two?

How much do you earn? What are your savings? Any debt?

I wanted to stay home when we had our first child but we couldn’t afford for me not to work. I still had a ton of student loans. we didn’t own a home. Eventually I did stay home when we could afford for me to stay home. I paid off all my loans. DH could afford to support us and save for retirement and college.

When I was working, many women were home. Now I don’t work and many of those SAHMs are back at work.

OP here. We love in a condo we bought when we got married. We plan to be in here for at least another 3-5 years. We will eventually move to the suburbs and buy a house.

I’m not sure how long she will stay home. We do plan to have second child fairly soon. I expect her to be at home for at least the next 2-3 years.

I make around $200k and she makes a little over $100k. We have a good amount in savings and multiple investments. No debt besides mortgage.

HUh???

The next few years of your marriage is going to be rough.

And 200k is not a lot for your wife to be staying at home in this economy and you have a baby? and want another one?

Yikes! Youre going to be resentful.

Also what happens if you lose your job?

DC people see out of touch with reality. OP makes more than many Americans. He makes 4 times more than the average American family. He can definitely raise a family with a SAHM wife on that salary. Many raise kids on one income making far less.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much does she earn at her current job?

What are your childcare plans and costs if she goes back to work? Childcare is so expensive that in some cases the extra stress you get from work and having to balance home and work life is just not worth the extra bit of income

OP here. She earns a little over $100k. One of the main reasons for her quitting is it will be hard to find childcare given that she would prefer to go back PT. Her original plan was to go back PT 3 days a week, but we many nannies we looked at all wanted FT. We would need to do it the legal way and I assumed with rates of a nanny in the area and taxes, we would be spending about $40-50k on a PT nanny.

The math isn’t mathing. Why would a PT nanny cost $50k?

What would the hourly rate be and the total bi-weekly hours worked?

I had a full-time nanny that we paid, on the books, and she was not $100k per year so I’m curious to know the answer to this.
$50-70k could get you a FT nanny.

OP here. I’m probably over estimating the cost of a PT nanny.

I think a nanny share would be perfect for you guys.

I’m a sahm and would not be if DH put me on a budget/allowance. Please note that if she is home, she will have more time to spend money. She won’t be spending less. She will likely spend more. You know your wife best. Is she the type that would want the nicer stroller, travel stroller, cute baby clothes. Is she social and likely to meet up with other UMC for coffee, brunch and lunch? She will want to drop the baby weight and keep the gym membership.

I definitely know some SAHMs on a budget. I have one friend whose husband lets her have a break but doesn’t want her to spend any money on that break. That would not work for me. I went on stroller walks with friends and we would go out for coffee and/or lunch. When kids were older, we would check out various kid activities. All this costs money. Your wife won’t just sit at home spending less money.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, it is likely you will spend more because you have another member of your family. At some point, you may have more children.

What is your housing situation? Are you in a good school district?

Will she want to stay home indefinitely or for a year or two?

How much do you earn? What are your savings? Any debt?

I wanted to stay home when we had our first child but we couldn’t afford for me not to work. I still had a ton of student loans. we didn’t own a home. Eventually I did stay home when we could afford for me to stay home. I paid off all my loans. DH could afford to support us and save for retirement and college.

When I was working, many women were home. Now I don’t work and many of those SAHMs are back at work.

OP here. We love in a condo we bought when we got married. We plan to be in here for at least another 3-5 years. We will eventually move to the suburbs and buy a house.

I’m not sure how long she will stay home. We do plan to have second child fairly soon. I expect her to be at home for at least the next 2-3 years.

I make around $200k and she makes a little over $100k. We have a good amount in savings and multiple investments. No debt besides mortgage.

HUh???

The next few years of your marriage is going to be rough.

And 200k is not a lot for your wife to be staying at home in this economy and you have a baby? and want another one?

Yikes! Youre going to be resentful.

Also what happens if you lose your job?